Still stalling

Jan 28, 2012

Still sitting in a stall…but at least I am not gaining, right??

I haven’t lost anything since Christmas. Although very, very frustrating, I have to believe that the scale will move again some day!! Otherwise, that size 10 “goal” dress sitting in my closet will get pretty dusty!

One thing I have to wonder about: is this stall all in my head??

221 is the magic number. I have never weighed less than 221 except way back in high school. The lowest I have ever been in my adult life is 221lbs.

Now here I sit…at 221lbs.

That was my first goal; to get below that weight. That’s when I figured I would truly believe that this was working….if I could only get under 221, then maybe this is for real…

So now, at 221 for over a month, it seems a bit more than coincidence, doesn’t it??

So what do I do….ok well I have to re-frame my thinking….I have to put the scale away…..I have to just keep trucking and trust the process to work….I have to believe that I am not special and will not be the only person on the planet that this surgery refuses to work past 3 months for…..I have to measure, journal and track all my protein, water and carbs religiously to make sure I really am doing what I am supposed to be doing….drink 2L of water every day….gym 5 days a week

Anything else I missed?

Re-frame my thinking: I know what this means….but not entirely sure how to do it. I know I have to turn negative thoughts into positive ones, but until someone calls me on a negative thought, sometimes I don’t even realize I am doing it. And to be honest, its not like I say all the things in my head OUT LOUD!! Gods, I would never shut up!!

Put the scale away….well that’s easy. Ever since I realized that it gives a different reading depending on where it is on the floor…even the slightest angle difference….I find it’s not really much use anyways. I weight myself about once a week and unless its drastically different, I still just use 221 as my weight. One day it said 207 and I was pretty excited…..for about 12 seconds until I stepped on it again. Then, I kicked it.

Trust the process: Hmmm….working on that one.

Believe I am not special: I have lived for 39 years so far telling myself that I am the only person on earth who just cannot lose weight. I think it will take a bit longer than 3 months to undo that damage….but I am working on it.

Measure, Journal and track: I always measure and weigh my foods out. Journaling and tracking is another story. I tired doing it on paper and it was just too hard to find all the details for each food so I gave up. I tired tracking online, but I don’t always get a chance to sit down at my home computer. I can’t do it at work, even though I sit in front of a computer all day…because our internet access is restricted and the firewall wont allow it. And I am too poor to own a phone with an app on it to do it like that….so I am still trying to figure this one out too. I think I will just have to suck it up and do it by hand on paper!!

Water: also another dilemma that I am still trying to figure out. Between eating, travelling on the bus for 1.5 hours each way every day (with no bathroom!!) and just plain old being too busy to think of it….its very hard to get the water in. Not to mention that I can only drink a small amount at a time….

Gym: that’s pretty good…although this week I was feeling pretty crappy so only ended up going 2x so far.

All these excuses!!!! When I re-read this list, it just sounds like a bunch of crap to me. If someone else told me this stuff I would probably just say…well if it’s important to you, then you will find a way.

So…I will find a way.

14 comments

Lowest Weight as an adult

Jan 22, 2012

Today, I am at the lowest weight I have ever been in my adult life. I weighed 221lbs once before, after a 12 week Optifast diet through the WMC in Ottawa back in 2005.I think I weighed that for about 1 day before I started gaining again! 

In highschool, I remember weighing 178lbs and being so disgusted with that weight and thought....well...I thought all the terrible things about myself that we have all thought about ourselves. That was back when I was 15 years old too, so 25 years of thinking that way to get here today.....has been very hard to undo.

Today, I am happy to say that I weigh 221lbs.
Down 70lbs from my highest weight of 291lbs in July of 2009 when I started this journey.
Down 62lbs from starting Optifast.
Down 39 lbs from surgery 13 weeks ago. (Slow and steady, right??)
6 comments

post op check-up

Jan 15, 2012

My 3 month post-op appt went well for the most part

For weight loss....I am doing ok. I only lost 11lbs last month which is on the low end of "normal" but thats fine with me since I can really see the difference in my clothing.

My bloodwork was great other than a potassium issue which means I need to drink a G2 a day now. She asked me if I ever saw stars or if it went black when I would exercise or stand up too fast and I was like....well ya but thats normal, isnt it?? ...she said...uhhh no its not. lol

Diet: I got to see the new dietitian, Leeanne, who looks like she is about 14 years old. She told me to try to add some more whole grains/carbs to avoid full blown hypoglycemia. I also didnt know that waking up at 4:30 or 5am positively STARVING wasn't normal either.....so I have tried melba toast, wheat stix and had added all bran buds to my greek yogurt....and all seem to be ok so far. Still can't eat bread so have to try to find alternatives. She wasnt too worried other than the extreme hunger issue (I liked it better when I didnt feel hungry at all) because she figures I am getting enough carbs through fruit and veggies.

Very low blood pressure. Its really low....like 90/60. But she never said anything about it so I am not concerned.

So ya...pretty good check up and only go back in 3 months!!! I hope to be under 200lbs by then!


 
7 comments

3 month update

Jan 10, 2012

So it’s been (nearly) 3 months.

A crazy 3 months…

Update:

  • I had my surgery on Oct 20th and went home the 21st. Then, I spent the night of the 23rd in the hospital with my mother and she died the next morning.
  • My house was under serious renovations at the time and in my mother’s name. There was no mortgage protection insurance on the house, and my father didn’t want it so we had to sell. After putting over $ 6000 into it just to make it presentable enough to show, we ended up making a profit of $ 127. No, not $ 127K….just $ 127.00
  • We spent the few weeks after my surgery packing and cleaning out the house I had lived in for 7 years and moved on November 16.
  • I got back to work on November 21 to find my job had not only moved locations out to the middle of nowhere in another province where I pay more taxes, but also that it had been made obsolete. All my duties were redistributed and I had nothing to do all day at my desk except review all the old emails my mother had sent me. Jokes, pictures, anecdotes about co-workers….little nothing emails just to say “hello”

Needless to say, I had a breakdown. Right in my office.
My boss sent me home.

I started with a grief counselor and went back to the gym; 2 things that have really helped. Don’t get me wrong, I still think of her every single day! Some days it’s more than I can handle and I cry. Some days, it’s all good because I know she was spared a lot of pain and suffering. But I still miss her. I imagine I always will.

I am now 3 months out, or at least it will be 12 weeks on Thursday. So far, from my highest weight of 291lbs, I have lost 66lbs. From the start of Optifast on Oct 6th, I have lost 58lbs. Not spectacular by any means, but its pretty decent. I am certainly not complaining!

I haven’t had too many problems except that I can’t eat bread or eggs. I was able to eat eggs in the beginning, but I just can’t do it now. It started with boiled eggs that I was taking in my lunch for a snack. At first I could eat it no problem. Then, I couldn’t tolerate the yolk – it would just make me gag and feel like it was just sitting in my pipe about halfway to my stomach. I would eat just the white, but soon I couldn’t do that either. It reminds me of a Margaret Atwood story called The Edible Woman

Bread: I haven’t been able to eat it right from the beginning. Not even well toasted. I was able to eat crackers for a while but again, soon progressed to my body saying NO!!!!....and rather violently too. On Sunday, I ended up being very sick after eating 4 Triscuits.

Yep. Just 4

I also still have a problem with eating too fast sometimes and trying to fit in drinking water around my meals. Snacking after supper was ALWAYS an issue before surgery, and it’s no different now. If I sit down to watch TV, I usually think about grabbing something to eat. So I have figured out, if I go to the gym after supper, then by the time I get back, I need a protein shake anyways so I time it to coincide with my plunking-myself-on-the-couch time! Voila!! 2 birds with one stone! On the nights when I don’t go to the gym….well I haven’t quite figured that one out yet. I tried nuts, but they don’t go down very well. And I mean there is only so much cheese and yogurt that one person can eat in a day! And I refuse to eat carbs just for the sake of eating something….

I was so happy for the first 10 weeks or so that I didn’t feel any hunger! But over the last 2 weeks, that has come back. First thing in the morning, I wake up bloody starving!! I have found that Greek yogurt is a good morning food. Lots of protein, no chewing involved so I can eat it a bit faster without dire consequence and pain….then I grab my coffee in my NEW STARBUCKS travel mug that my honey got me for Christmas!....and away I go. I usually take a few slices of lean deli meat and some old cheese for lunch, maybe a Clementine or mini banana. I have either a yogurt, hummus or peanut butter & carrots or cheese and grapes for a snack. Dinner is usually some lean meat and veggies. Can’t do pasta or rice and I don’t want to waste the space in my tummy on potatoes….so ya….my diet is pretty boring. I really have to check out Eggface’s website a bit more closely to get some new ideas. For right now though, I just want to focus on getting everything in that I need to, and I figure the experimenting can come later.

I head to the gym probably 4-5 days a week. I do a lot of cardio and some strength training. I signed up for three free sessions with a trainer and my first appointment is tomorrow. I am excited but nervous as well. I hope he listens to my needs and doesn’t just design a generic workout that is not tailored to exactly what I am going through. It’s not like I really need a “weight loss” program because really, the surgery by itself is sort of taking care of that part. I need toning and strength in order to build up the muscle underneath the fat that’s still left!! Keeping my fingers crossed that he is a listener and not just there to fulfill his volunteer hours.

I LOVE the gym!! I loved it before, but I mean I REALLY LOVE the gym!! I can RUN!!!!! I do interval running on the treadmill!! For the most part, I can hold my own. Last night, I was really tired and pushed a bit too hard and I think I may have popped my hip out, but other than that, I just feel so fantastic!! I am so happy to be wearing REAL workout clothes too, rather than a baggy t-shirt and sweats…..that dri-fit stuff is awesome!! I have committed to a 5km race in May, playing tennis this summer, horseback riding, running in the Relay for Life and playing golf!! There is a big volleyball tournament here in the summer so I was thinking about organizing a team of WLSers to play…..I think that would be fun!!

I am wearing a size large workout/yoga pant right now, and size 16 jeans ….but even as I say that, the size 16 pulls right over my butt without having to undo it. On the other hand, I have size 22 jeans that I can still wear and a size 18 that are way too tight!! (I posted a new picture by the way)

A wonderful friend gave me a size 16 Jones New York dress as a gift. She gave me the gift receipt in case it fit. I know that sounds weird but I wanted it to be my “goal”dress and size 16 fitting already, well I decided to go get a smaller one.

I got a size 10!!!

Can you believe that?????

Of course it doesn’t fit, but I tried on the same one in a 14 and although it was too tight, I could zip it up. At first I was panicked thinking I had got a dress that I will never be able to wear….but the more I think about it, the more I think maybe I can do this!! Wouldn’t it be incredible if, for once in my life, things actually worked out??? I am just starting to see a glimmer of hope that someday, even *I* might be normal!!! Maybe even some day THIS year!!

And with that thought, here’s hoping that 2012 is WAAAAAYY better than 2011 was.
20 comments

About Me
Ottawa,
Location
26.6
BMI
RNY
Surgery
10/20/2011
Surgery Date
Dec 02, 2010
Member Since

Friends 203

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