Sirene

Send Message

Block

Add Friend

So I went shopping for a few groceries last night; mostly stuff for the boys lunches and such. So we went to the cheapo store....
They were having a giant liquidation of a bunch of clothing, including rain jackets. I just happen to need a rain jacket because the one I have, is one that I bought BEFORE my surgery, in hopes that someday it would fit me. Well I think I bought it last summer, probably around this time....it fit my by Christmas and is now so much too big that it looks like I am wearing someone else's clothes. My Honey told me not to wear it anymore as I looked like a Ragamuffin.
I'm not sure what a ragamuffin is, but I don't think I want to look like one...

So I had a look at what was on the rack. They had green and pink. Oooh pink!!! I love pink!!
They had size 4, 8 and 10 left. Darn!! It was a cute jacket...and for $ 3??? Sheesh!! Only skinny people get the good deals!!

So I walked away and my honey said..."You don't like them?"
"They don't have my size"
"What sizes do they have?" So I told him.

He said, "try on a size 10"
I laughed right out loud in the store and looked at him as if he were on crack.
Then I realized he was serious so I gave him the best  "don't be so ridiculous!!" look I could muster...but he just pulled it off the hanger and handed it to me.

So I shook my head and prepared to try it on and show him how silly he was being because I was nowhere NEAR a size 10....when suddenly, my arm just slipped right in....then the other.

I literally took it off right there and checked the size tag again before trying to button it up.

I slipped it on again and started buttoning it. OK well it might fit in the sleeves but there was NO WAY it was going to button up over my boobs!!

and it did.

OK, well maybe, but there was NO WAY it was going to button up over my stomach!!!

and it did.

Ya, but over my hips?? PUUULLEEEZE!!!

and, of course, it did.

My Honey just looked at me, nodded and walked away to go look at other stuff, leaving me standing in the aisle gaping like a large mouthed bass out of water.

A SIZE 10?????
So I bought the $ 3 size 10 pink rain jacket.

I can't wait til it rains again!!

When I got home, I put everything away and then, with a niggling sense in the back of my mind that there still MUST be some mistake....I gingerly took my beautiful teal-coloured satin size 10 Jones New York goal dress out of its bag. This is my GOAL dress.....this is where I thought I wanted to be.....this was a pipe dream that I never really thought would actually come true. I figured that dress would sitting my closet for the next hundred years or maybe if someone was very creative with the zipper, I might be buried in it!

I closed the door to try it on in peace, just in case it didn't fit....or even worse, just in case it did!
My Honey walked in just as I was about to slip it over my head. He watched and then just silently came over and pinched the material under my arm to zip up the zipper. I didn't even have to hold my breath!! It just zipped right up!!

My size 10 dress fits!!
My GOAL dress fits!!!!

But...what do I do now??
I certainly don't think I am done.
Can I make a new goal, or does that make me greedy? Should I just be thankful where I am and maintain, or do I go for the gold ??

i was nearly in tears with all this running through my head, looking (read: staring in disbelief) at myself in the mirror and running my hands over the smooth fabric of the dress. My honey just kissed me on the forehead and said, "You look gorgeous. I guess you'll need a size 8 now" and walked out of the bedroom.

I guess that answered my question :)

I don't think other people "get" it.

When I post stuff about my run on my FB wall in the mornings, I get a lot of people saying things like...oh I'd love to run too but.....insert various excuses here. Don't you think I KNOW all of those excuses? Don't you think I have heard, used and probably perfected most of them? Heck I probably even invented some of them!! Chances are, I probably know more excuses than you could possibly even think of!! Trust me wholeheartedly honey...if *I* can do it....so can you!!!!

Every morning, while lying in bed after the alarm goes off at 4am....I probably run through a dozen or so before I can even force myself out of bed.

I run through a dozen more while getting dressed and then even between the kitchen and back door, I have to fight through a few more.....and even sometimes while I am running, I have to fight those voices. I could easily give in and listen to them...and I must admit that I probably used to more often than not. It has become easier to ignore the voices and carry on....but I certainly wouldn't say its 'easy'.

I have heard, "oh its easy for you now because you are used to it."

Uhhh...no!! Its not easy for me!! Every day is a struggle. Some days I win, some days I lose. I win more often than I used to, that is true. But it certainly doesn't mean its easy.

Years of obesity have rendered my natural state to be one of inactivity and fear of putting myself "out there" in any sort of physical sense. Do people really think that after just a few months, suddenly I am a completely different person??

Well...then they'd be right ;)

I run an average of 5 days a week, and minimum 5kms each time. This morning I did 5kms but 2 days ago I did 7kms. I'm gearing up for a 10km race in October.  

This morning, I caught a glimpse of myself in the storefront window as I was running past. I knew it was me, but yet I didn't see it as me. Does that make sense at all? 

First thing I looked for of course, was fat. I checked out my thighs because I wanted to see how badly the flab was flapping along as I ran. Ummm....it wasn't! I have strong looking thighs and all I noticed were the muscles moving under the skin with each stride!!  Then I looked of course to my belly, figuring it was flopping up and down with each step. Again, it wasn't!! It was fairly flat and staying put!! It wasn't hanging over my shorts or stretching my shirt out to unequal and unattractive proportions! I even noticed my posture....straight and upright, shoulders back, loose arms. Excellent!!

So who was that woman reflected in the window then???? I still find it very hard to believe that was me!!!

I have always felt a bit like a fraud. I mean, not even just when I'm running, but basically even just going out in public. I just think, if people only knew that what I look like on the outside isn't whats going on inside!! On the outside, even when I was fat, I always thought I looked fairly confident and put together. Inside however, I always felt like a nervous wreck, waiting for someone to find out that really...I'm fat!!

Now though, I don't think anybody didn't already know that. But it felt like I was trying to hide the fat person inside....now looking at pictures of myself a year ago.....I really wasn't doing as good a job as I thought I was!! I think I was basically just trying so hard to be invisible so that nobody would notice me at all, let alone notice how fat I really was. IMPOSTER!!!....that's what I always imagined people would do if they noticed me in a crowd. Stand up, shout and point at me. Such a terrifying way to live.....

Even today though, I still feel a bit like an imposter!!

I imagine that things like..."look at that fat chick pretending to be a runner!!!"....are going through people's heads when they see me.  Or ....."who does that fat girl think she is, wearing regular sized clothing...and out in public too??? She should be ashamed of herself. If I were her, I would be so embarrassed to be seen in public like that!!"

I know, I know....don't let what other people think bring you down or make you afraid to do things....etc etc. I know. I am getting much better...and it is a bit easier to quiet those thoughts lately when they try to creep in....but its still something I struggle with. Even out window shopping the other day with a friend; I was looking at shoes and wanted a picture of me with a particularly awesome PINK pair. When I looked at the picture....only a few seconds after, I had to really stare at myself because it was such a startling and FOREIGN image of me, I just couldn't reconcile it with the version that's in my head.

Seeing myself this morning though....was a real awakening. That woman in the window was ME ! All tanned, muscle and fit-looking, out exercising at 5am!!! ME!!!

I am a RUNNER!

I went out with some friends on Friday night and I must say....was incredibly nervous. I haven't been "out" much over the last 10 years or so. My size just got the better of my self esteem and I couldn't do it.

So I was feeling pretty self-conscious to say the least. Especially since I was wearing a VERY SHORT dress!!! I mean...I think my running shorts might even be longer!

Luckily, my legs look pretty good and most of my loose skin is around my mid section and the arm area.

There were people there who hadn't seen me in years and they were so taken back by how I looked that it made me feel pretty good! Actually, they didn't even recognize me until much later in the evening. Such a good feeling....

so with this boost of confidence and a FANTASTIC wing (wo)man....I ended up just flirting a little and talking to  couple of guys at a bachelor party. They were very nice and one in particular was very funny, smart and OMG HOT!!!! We chatted for a bit and when his buddies came to get him to head to the next bar, as he was leaving he kissed me on the cheek and told me I was beautiful!

Now....I am not even going to say that alcohol was involved on his part or anything else to try to convince myself that it was an insignificant moment....because I deserve this moment!!

I was literally floating on air. It's not like he was trying to score; he was talking about his kid and his buddy's wedding, so it was just very light and fun conversation across the back of a booth. Not (very) sexual at all...but just flirty enough for me to be able to say....not bad for an old lady!!! He was quite a bit younger than me and let me just say...the body of a God!!! Such a perfect specimen!!!

and the best part? not once did I feel fat!! A bit self conscious maybe not being used to wearing dresses at all, and certainly not one quite so short!!! But I had several compliments from people who never even knew I used to be fat, so I must have looked OK!!

I just want to thank this young man for totally boosting my self esteem through the roof!!! It feels so good to be normal, you just can't even understand unless you have been there. It sounds like such a unimportant and irrelevant thing to say, "Hey I went to a bar and chatted up some hot young guy who was totally into me". I mean, I love my Honey and he loves me....and obviously to have someone love you for who you are is as much as we can ever hope for in life....but every once in a while, its nice to know that some stranger thinks you're hot ;)