The last 30 pounds....

Sep 28, 2012

They say the last 30 lbs is the the hardest to lose, right? Or is it the last 10? 5?

I don't know.....but what I do know is this.....I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!

I know I know...its a stall, its normal....back to basics....it'll come off, trust the process....I do know all this. But it is still frustrating!!

I haven't lost any weight in a while....no significant amount anyway. I am losing 2-3 pounds in a month now. Since my last check up at 9 months, I have lost about 10 lbs. I will be going for my 1 yr follow-up soon....so that gives you some idea.

I mean, that's not to say I am unhappy with my progress or that I am not proud of every single pound and drop of sweat that I have shed, because you can bet your bottom dollar I certainly am!! I am proud of myself!!

Wow. How many times have we said THAT "pre" surgery??? I bet not very many...

But I am proud of myself. It's just that....well 2 things actually.
1 is a disclaimer that I have PMS. It seems everything is harder to take, emotionally, during this time. I am easy to cry and easy to get frustrated with things that are usually a part of everyday life. Money is tight...yes well its tight for everyone these days, not just me. But during PMS time, I literally cannot sleep worrying about money and bills and what not....but you know I just checked my bank account and really??? It looks ok...

and 2....comparison. I TRY not to compare myself to other people because I know everyone's journey is their own and no 2 are alike....but sometimes that's the frustration button that just puts me over the edge.
For example: I ran 7kms on my lunch today. That's great isn't it??
Yep. It is.
So why have I been the same weight for over a month now??? 7kms a day, eating about 1000 calories and still not losing?? HOW IS THAT FAIR???

Life is not fair. I know.

But you know...I worked out a lot and was fairly active before surgery. Obviously not like I am now....but sometimes I think I should have just sat on my ass prior to surgery because it seems like maybe I did myself a disservice. I see people who had surgery at or around the same time as me, who were substantially larger than me to start, and are now down to a size 6 or even a 4!!! WTF??? Size 30 to a size 4!!! AMAZING!!!
And don't think I am not happy for them because I am...I am very proud of their success. It's when I hear that they didn't exercise at all to lose that weight....that it was ONLY from surgery......OMG I just want to cry!

I am a slow loser. I knew that before. But sometimes, I just freak out a little bit and have a miniature panic attack thinking that perhaps I wont lose anymore. Perhaps I will start my regain here at this weight!  Then my heart races and I feel like I might vomit so I try not to go there....

I just have to learn to take a deep breath, focus on the positive, trust the process, enjoy my accomplishments to date....and center my chi or feng my shui or something....*deep breath*


OK. So positive affirmation number 1.
I am healthy

2
I am actively living my life

3
I have a supportive and loving family

4
I can wear skinny jeans (size 10 skinny jeans to be exact)

5
I have collarbones
...ok those last two were a bit selfish...but I'm not taking them out!

6
(Most days) I feel 'normal'

7
I have great friends in real life that I met on here from this website....

8
My journey is not over.

9
I am beautiful

10
I am worth it.

Now...to work on believing all of those....*deep breath*
Rinse. Repeat


9 comments

I can't believe I am saying this, but....

Sep 23, 2012

I missed my runs last week!!

Can you believe I am even saying that?? A year ago, I would have never dreamed that I would be saying that I am looking forward to my run this afternoon, or that I missed not running last week!  It's amazing what a difference one year makes!

I didn't run last week for a couple of reasons. One being that I was ill. I had a head cold that left me with a fever, sore throat and a terrible cough that just made it impossible to do much other than sit at my desk....and even then, I went home early a couple of times.

I usually run at work now. I had been getting up at 4am over the summer and would run then because it had gotten too hot to run at midday. That got very old very fast. So now, I run on the trails through the woods behind my work. Unfortunately last week, they weren't letting people out onto the trails because there was a bear. Seriously??? I thought, a bear isn't going to bother anyone in the middle of the DAY for Pete's sakes!! This is ridiculous!! But then lo and behold, out comes a great big giant brown fuzzy bear, just lumbering along the path. Not only did he (she?) make its presence known, he actually went roaming through the neighbourhood across the street. And not only did he go roaming, but he WAITED AT THE LIGHT for the cars to stop before he crossed the road!!! Do you believe that????
My co-workers were teasing me and offering up bells and such so I could go run anyways claiming that the bells would frighten the bear away.

Ummmm....I don't think that a bear who is smart enough to wait at a crosswalk is going to be scared away by bells. Just sayin'.

And then, it rained for the other 2 days. Now I know some people love to run in the rain...and I don't mind a slight drizzle, but torrential downpour running is not my thing. First of all, I hate getting my shoes wet. They make squishy noises. And second, its cold and uncomfortable and slippery with wet leaves all over the trails. If I were to slip and injure myself, then I would not only NOT be able to run for some time, but I could theoretically get attacked by a bear!! Lying all helpless and stuff....

So ya, I took a week off. But today!!!!! I am back at it. I am not sure how far I will go, since I feel like I am out of practice now...but I am going to just try for 5km, and work back up to 8km by Friday. I think that's a reasonable goal, right??

Then next week, I will work on trying to increase my speed....and then add in distance between then and October so that I will feel comfortable running my 10km race by the end of October. Sounds like a good plan, right?? My goal is to try to get in under an hour....ok maybe not for THIS race but that's my ultimate goal. It's doable, right??

(Notice that I need outside confirmation and validation for things when I am unsure of myself. I must try to work on that)

First things first though...coffee.
(I mean come on....priorities!!)
8 comments

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Sep 19, 2012

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Not your typical Sunday...

Sep 19, 2012

I have been ill for the past week or so and have basically been lying around in pajamas, in various stages of a low grade fever, sniffling and coughing and generally just not really feeling my best.

Sunday afternoon, I was lying on the couch wrapped in a blanket and surrounded by tissues, Vick's and neo-citran with Season 1 of Grimm. (LOVE that show!) Needless to say I hadn't really done much housework and although the place wasn't really *that* bad, I didn't consider it fit for company, if you know what I mean.

So there is a knock on the door and my Honey answers and I hear a woman looking for me. I can't hear exactly what she is saying but he tells me to come talk to her and I am thinking...seriously?? I haven't brushed my hair (or teeth!!) today and you are letting strangers in to talk to me???

I go to the door and am standing there on the step and she starts by saying her name and that she came from out of town to meet me, has been looking for me for 20 years and she thinks I am her sister.

OK maybe you had better come inside after all....

We meet and chat for a bit and she tells her story....which I won't really get into because I still don't really know all the details and it's kind of weird anyway, but it suffices to say that my mother and her father had a little thing before my mom married my Dad. I kinda always knew he wasn't my "real" Dad, but you know, I figured it was kept a secret for 40 years for a reason, right? Not to mention, he married my mom when he was 18 years old and she had a 2 year old daughter. Really...the man deserves some credit for taking on that responsibility at 18. He did the best he could.


So now, I am faced with all kinds of new realities...I maybe have a sister? Who, by the way is quite thin and lovely and as I sat looking at her, couldn't possibly see any sort of resemblance whatsoever.  I said that to my Honey and he said, Oh no, you two have the exact same mouth. Exactly the same.

Interesting. Interesting that I couldn't see it. I think it's because I still don't recognize myself like this perhaps? Hmmm.... 

So regardless of what the next steps are and what I am going to do about it all, because I really don't know yet....the ONE thing I am SOOOO happy about is that she didn't find me until now. And do you know why???

I would have been so embarrassed for her to see me when I was 300 lbs.

As embarrassed as I was at the state of my kitchen, or even my appearance with red-eyes, unbrushed hair and in my pajamas...I could live with that. But at 300lbs....I would have just died inside.

Does that make me vain?
Maybe, I'm not sure.....but it does make me thankful.
Every day that I can put 300lbs in my past life, is a good day.


4 comments

Back to school lesson in dumping

Sep 05, 2012

I have been lucky (or not, depending on your perspective) until now that I haven't really had much of an issue with sugar. I try not to eat it, but have never had a problem when I do. Twice, I had a reaction; but it was small enough that I guess I didn't learn my lesson well enough.....until yesterday!!!

O.M.G!!!
Remember those days in college when you were vomiting into the toilet and swearing to whatever deity would listen that you would NEVER drink again????
Well it was much like yesterday's episode.....I wanted to die!!!

My honey and I were checking out a local coffee roasting house and they had biscotti at the counter. HOME MADE almond biscotti. I couldn't resist!!! It was such a tiny piece!!

So we are sitting in the comfy chairs, discussing life and plans and whatnot (it was the kids first day back to school so life was all peachy and wonderful) and I started to get the shakes...and started sweating. Uh oh...

I thought at first maybe it was the coffee because I usually only drink decaf and this wasn't. It was a sugar-free vanilla soy latte. I thought, sugar alcohols maybe? Soy milk is maybe sweetened? all kinds of explanations passed through my mind, but basically the prevailing thought above all those was definitely, "Uh oh"

The last time I had an episode of dumping was back in February with my birthday cake. And usually, I would never dare eat sugar in public, JUST IN CASE....

Definitely good advice

I stopped eating the biscotti and stopped drinking the coffee and just sat.....probably 25-30 minutes went by until I felt any better. The lightheaded woozy feeling was gone and I stopped sweating. Ahhh....just a little scare. I'm OK!

I ate sensibly the rest of the day and then at night, sat down to watch some Criminal Minds with my Honey, and he had a chocolate bar and offered me ONE PIECE!

One piece can't hurt, right?? Its one piece! C'mon! It has almonds in it! They are good for you! All calciumy and proteiny and such...crunchy crunchy goodness!

I ate it.

Big mistake.

Very soon after, I started shaking. Then the sweating....and my blood pressure dropped and my heart was beating in my ears so loudly I couldn't hear the TV. I felt like I couldn't breathe and was so hot I felt like I was boiling up from the inside. The sweat was literally pouring off me; I could feel it dripping down my neck, between my shoulder blades and down the backs of my knees. I thought at first, it was my son, who is apparently part werewolf with a body temperature of about 108 at all times....since he was sitting next to me on he couch. I actually had all 3 boys in the living room with me, which in and of itself is usually cause for the room to warm up about 10 degrees or even potentially  spontaneously combust......but when the lightheadedness and crazy heart beat started, I knew it was the damned SUGAR!!

I stumbled to the bathroom, stood under the cold shower for a few minutes, changed into summer pyjamas and grabbed a piece of cheese and a sugar-free Gatorade from the fridge. I downed the Gatorade and when I thought that was going to stay in my stomach, I ate the cheese. By then, I was starting to come back to life and had to go get a small blanket to wrap myself in....I was shivering and goose bumpy.

I ended up going to bed, feeling like I'd been hit by a truck. I slept through til the alarm went off this morning at 6am. Wow!

Needless to say, I am pretty damned sure I learned my lesson this time. 
and even if I didn't, my poor Honey will never allow me to eat sugar again after witnessing that.

So here I am, thanking the universe for the lesson and (forceful) reminder of the rules I must follow the rest of my life. I believe I got an "F" on that lesson, but am striving now for an "A"
5 comments

About Me
Ottawa,
Location
26.6
BMI
RNY
Surgery
10/20/2011
Surgery Date
Dec 02, 2010
Member Since

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