So for anyone who has attempted yoga as a fat person, you know how difficult some of the poses can be. Maybe not the pose itself, but the whole breathing in and out while IN the pose can sometimes be an issue....not to mention the level of psychological discomfort

Yesterday in Yoga class....we were finishing up in "Happy Baby" pose....and I didn't even think for one second about how anyone might possibly be looking at me and laughing...

in case you don't know what that is....

A year or so ago, I would have been so self conscious, I wouldn't have been able to attend a yoga class....or if I did, I wouldn't have got the full benefit from it as I would have been too concerned with how I looked; silly, off balance, unable, too fat...etc....LET ALONE get myself into such a compromising position; IN PUBLIC!!! I was lying in bed last night thinking about this and how different I feel about it now.

Yes I still have my moments of fatness when I look in the mirror....more often than not actually, but I am attempting to do more than I ever thought I could possibly do. Yes, I am still scared to do it, but I can talk myself INTO it 95 % of the time now rather than talking myself OUT of things 95 % of the time!

I signed up for a 10km race, am still trying to convince myself to sign up for the half marathon, and even braved Lululemon on New Year's Eve! (sz 8 btw!!)

I just feel so....BRAVE...sometimes!!

Is this how normal people feel everyday???

So my honey and I were out the other day and he took me for breakfast. I ate a whole poached egg and a slice of ham and even a few bites of potatoes. On the one hand, I was impressed with the fact that I ate a whole egg but on the other hand, I was a bit worried because I could eat a whole egg.

My honey said to me "It's good to see you eating like a normal person"

That's when it hit me.

I *DO* eat like a normal person now.

Scary.

For the past year, I haven't worried very much about portion size because the RNY surgery pretty much took care of that. I also haven't worried too much about calories because I have always tried hard to eat well, but more so because my portions were so small, I didnt really worry about calories much.  I mean really, 3oz of protein and 1/2c of veggies for supper isn't really much cause for concern.

So now, I really have to watch what I am eating a little more closely. I think I will go back to basics and start weighing and measuring all my foods again. This really is, after all, my diet for life.

I also need to re-focus on snacking. This whole being off work thing and trying to establish a routine over the past few months has been a lot harder than I thought it was going to be. And especially when you throw a major holiday in there like Christmas.....well lets just say that 3 meals and 2 snacks a day has become more of a constant grazing over 12 hours. Again, mostly healthy things and always things I should be eating; babybell cheese and a mandarin orange, a handful of almonds and a pear, carrot sticks with hummus....etc. But I bet if you add those up over the day, it probably adds up to more calories than I'd like to see.

I think I am ok on the exercise front. Running,  plus Goodlife classes3 times a week,  plus my new weight bench that my Honey got me for Christmas, I think I am all set. I did a really great workout this morning actually with the XBOX Kinect! I never thought those video games could actually be a real workout but man!!!....Bob Harper made me sweat alright!! LOL!!

I hadn't really intended to make New Year's Resolutions, but I guess mine will be: Back to Basics! Tracking my food being my  (new) number one priority.

Also, stay away from the TV during the day!!  When I take a break from housework or while I am having my post-workout protein smoothie and sit down in front of the TV for a few moments......ya right. A few moments turns into an hour or so!! You get totally sucked into the garbage that's on during the day! Its like a train wreck!! You just cant stop!!

So here's a late HURRAH! to 2013! It will be my first year of living normally!!

Uhh me?? Normal?? I never thought I would say THAT!! :)

The trainer at the gym turned out to be true to form and gave me the low-down on a really great program that would "meet all my fitness goals" within one year. He spelled it all out in great detail and it sounded very achievable!!

Then the price tag.

3 sessions a week for 52 weeks at $ 62 a session is just a little over $ 10 grand.

Ouch!!

I smiled because it was pretty much the exact same spiel I got pre-surgery from another trainer at the same chain (different location).

I told him there was no way I could afford that and he did his best to try to make it sound like I wasn't going to be paying 10 grand but in the end, it still ends up costing 10 grand. Easy payment plan or not...who has $ 1000 for a down payment the week before Christmas?? Or ANY time for that matter??? And really?? How is $ 200 bi-weekly 'affordable'?? That's more than a lot of car payments!!

Aside from the old saying that "you can't put a price on your health".....I think I was more hurt because after all the time I spent with this guy and he really seemed like he was listening to what I had to say, to what my goals were, etc. I just feel like I wasted so many hours of my life going through the whole process with him. It was very disappointing. Almost like dating!! As my good friend Maggie would say....what a waste of mascara!

Not only that, but he said that I could cut out the body pump and yoga classes and definitely cut out the running because cardio isn't what I need now....WTF??.....and just focus on weight training with a trainer.

But I LIKE the classes!! I LOVE running!! Why would anyone suggest that I cut these out ??

I was very discouraged and felt so disappointed and frustrated when I got home yesterday...what did I do???

Yep. Ate a chocolate.

Oh and it wasn't any old chocolate either. It was an Extra Dark Lindor chocolate.

And then ate another.

Guess how I felt about THAT??

Yep. Guilty and even more horrible.

Ahhh....good times. I remember when this type of behaviour was an everyday thing and probably several times a day. And also when I couldn't recognize it for what it was and stop it or even acknowledge it. Vicious circle that would spiral into a binge....yep. Good times.

I put the chocolates away and grabbed a piece of cheese. Then I started making supper and had a nice piece of chicken.

I still felt horrible so I grabbed the hot water bottle and went to snuggle with it on the couch and ended up going to bed early. First day of TOM too so maybe that had something to do with my emotions getting the better of me??

I woke up this morning and promised myself that I would just put yesterday in the past and start fresh with today. It certainly helps that I woke up to a whole world freshly covered in a (really thick!!) blanket of snow. Everything looks fresh and clean and pure today.

As Anne Shirley said....today is a new day, with no mistakes in it yet.

Now, to plan my menu while browsing the flyers and have some lovely quinoa with pecans and raisins for breakfast.  Then maybe a little 5k on the treadmill?? Sounds like a good way to start a new day

I love running.

Now though, I think it's time to ramp up my workout routine and try out a fitness class.

I found a freebie class so I figured hey, what have I got to lose??

I checked out my local Goodlife gym and went in for one of those Les Mills Body Pump classes. I was pretty terrified before going in because I haven't been to the gym in a while and if you have read my previous blogs, you will see that I haven't exactly had the best experiences! And if you watch it online...yikes!!!

The reception dude was very nice and helped me set up my "station". I kept thinking, "why do I need a station"? The online  demo online didn't say anything about a 'station'!! First panic moment because I feel like I am not prepared now and dont know what I am getting myself into!!

It was really just getting your step/bench and weights all prepared and ready to go. So here I am, ready to go, trying to melt into the background and be invisible like every other time I have ever been in a gym....feeling terribly self conscious and feeling like everyone is looking at the fat chick in the room. Second panic moment because I feel like the center of Fat Universe and everyone has a telescope....

The instructor has a microphone thingy on and is standing on a little platform in front and doesn't she call me out just as the class is starting. "Let's welcome Jennifer!!" and everyone turns to looks at me. I smiled and waved and wanted to die....everyone seemed very pleasant though and just interested in starting the class.

I did feel self conscious, but not nearly as bad as a year and a half ago. I could still feel the weight of every scrap of saggy skin and the unsightly melted candle look around my middle section felt like it was SO OBVIOUS to everyone in the room....it felt like I was wearing a flourescent coloured pool noodle like a hula hoop that screamed, "Look at me! I am huge!!"

But as I glanced in the mirror to see how red my face had gotten, lo and behold, I looked pretty much like everyone else!

What!?!?

I wasn't much (if any) fatter than anyone else in the room!! As a matter of fact, I will even venture as far to say that there were people in the room bigger than me. (Do you know how hard it was to type that??) Of course, I was going to be the only one with really low weights and who probably couldn't do most of the exercises though, right? Because I was new and these people were regulars?

Nope.

I managed the whole class!! With WEIGHTS!! Ya they were low weights but I didn't have to drop them halfway through, and some people did. Not to criticize them at all though....it was freakin hard and it would be very easy to misjudge how much weight you think you could manage. 800 reps throughout the entire class??? That is verging on insane levels!! And BOY am I feeling it today!!!

The instructor was great; very encouraging and kept an eye on me like she said she would. She called me out a few times, saying I had good form or asking how I was doing etc and was glad I was still smiling halfway through...lol. It was a really fun class and I am definitely going back on Friday.

Hopefully, by then, I will be able move my arms again ;p

It has definitely been difficult but I think I may finally be starting to get into a routine. I can tell because when someone asks me to do something out of my routine, I get annoyed ;p

My honey's truck is at the garage so I had to drive him to work today. That's ok but he asked me to pick him up at lunch to go to the bank. WHAT??? The bank is almost literally across the street!!! Now my whole plan for the day has to be re-adjusted to fit that in. I will be glad when his truck is fixed!

So I bought myself a treadmill as my "retirement" gift to myself. Probably more like a Christmas gift to myself but its all semantics. I will say that I much prefer running outdoors, but the weather up here in the Canadian Arctic (no I don't really live in the arctic but with temperatures below zero now, some mornings it sure feels like it!) I find it hard to breathe in the cold air at first but it just feels so much more natural than running on a treadmill. Also, its really kind of boring. I play music but I am staring at the white wall for an hour. Its not very motivating. BUT....I have worked it into my new routine so I have no excuses when the weather is bad. I can still run outside if I want to, but the treadmill is there as backup so I have no excuses!!!

So I gave myself an hour in the morning for my run. Then I figure I can get a couple of chores in before the teenagers come home for lunch at 11:15. After the horde of Tasmanian devils has swept through, I can make my own lunch. Sometimes my honey comes home for lunch as well and we visit for a bit til he goes back to work. Then I have about an hour before its time to go pick up Kira from school. I know I don't really "have" to meet her at school, but I like to. The dog sits at the door looking at the closet where her leash is, whining as if to say, "I am pretty sure it's walk time, lady! Kira is waiting, let's go!"

From 2:30 on, I have time to get supper on, get another chore done and have some free time to myself. That's the plan at least. The afternoons haven't quite worked out yet but my mornings are doing ok. Baby steps, right??  Besides, it must be working on some level because I am down another couple of pounds. I now officially weigh less than I did in high school. Yay me!

All in all, I find I am becoming much happier as I settle into a routine. I find this socially interesting, how we are such creatures of habit and find comfort in sameness, routine and knowing what to expect. It seems we are all toddlers at heart!  When our lives become discombobulated and full of chaos, we become stressed, frantic and miserable. I know that some people thrive on chaos and disorder, feeling that it is key to creativity and thinking outside the box, but I know that for me, I can't think at all when my life is in upheaval, let alone in or out of any sort of box! I think it would be very interesting to look at the link between OCD and obesity or people who are organized and lead lives of routine and structure vs people who are disorganized and lead chaotic lives, whether willingly or no. I wonder if there would be a correlation?

Oooh! It's 8:30! Time for my run!! ;)