- Username: Sirene
- Location: Ottawa, Canada
- Member Since: 12/2/2010
- BMI: 26.6
- Post Op
- Surgery Type: RNY (10/20/11)
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Sirene's JourneyClick Here To View
Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.
I was always a bit heavy, even when I was a kid. I had a round face and kids would tease me and call me names. So even though, looking back and seeing that I was definitely overweight but nowhere near what I *thought* I looked like, I always felt ashamed and embarrassed of being me. As I got older, the weight kept piling on and I tried everything. Every diet and every program and every method. My self esteem was so low that I imagined people laughing at me all the time. I was going to the gym 5 days a week, cardio training as well as working with weights. Everytime I stepped into the gym, I had to talk myself into staying rather than putting my tail between my legs and running for the hills. I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me....
Routine on November 22, 2012 5:16 am
It has definitely been difficult but I think I may finally be starting to get into a routine. I can tell because when someone asks me to do something out of my routine, I get annoyed ;p
My honey's truck is at the garage so I had to drive him to work today. That's ok but he asked me to pick him up at lunch to go to the bank. WHAT??? The bank is almost literally across the street!!! Now my whole plan for the day has to be re-adjusted to fit that in. I will be glad when his truck is fixed!
So I bought myself a treadmill as my "retirement" gift to myself. Probably more like a Christmas gift to myself but its all semantics. I will say that I much prefer running outdoors, but the weather up here in the Canadian Arctic (no I don't really live in the arctic but with temperatures below zero now, some mornings it sure feels like it!) I find it hard to breathe in the cold air at first but it just feels so much more natural than running on a treadmill. Also, its really kind of boring. I play music but I am staring at the white wall for an hour. Its not very motivating. BUT....I have worked it into my new routine so I have no excuses when the weather is bad. I can still run outside if I want to, but the treadmill is there as backup so I have no excuses!!!
So I gave myself an hour in the morning for my run. Then I figure I can get a couple of chores in before the teenagers come home for lunch at 11:15. After the horde of Tasmanian devils has swept through, I can make my own lunch. Sometimes my honey comes home for lunch as well and we visit for a bit til he goes back to work. Then I have about an hour before its time to go pick up Kira from school. I know I don't really "have" to meet her at school, but I like to. The dog sits at the door looking at the closet where her leash is, whining as if to say, "I am pretty sure it's walk time, lady! Kira is waiting, let's go!"
From 2:30 on, I have time to get supper on, get another chore done and have some free time to myself. That's the plan at least. The afternoons haven't quite worked out yet but my mornings are doing ok. Baby steps, right?? Besides, it must be working on some level because I am down another couple of pounds. I now officially weigh less than I did in high school. Yay me!
All in all, I find I am becoming much happier as I settle into a routine. I find this socially interesting, how we are such creatures of habit and find comfort in sameness, routine and knowing what to expect. It seems we are all toddlers at heart! When our lives become discombobulated and full of chaos, we become stressed, frantic and miserable. I know that some people thrive on chaos and disorder, feeling that it is key to creativity and thinking outside the box, but I know that for me, I can't think at all when my life is in upheaval, let alone in or out of any sort of box! I think it would be very interesting to look at the link between OCD and obesity or people who are organized and lead lives of routine and structure vs people who are disorganized and lead chaotic lives, whether willingly or no. I wonder if there would be a correlation?
Oooh! It's 8:30! Time for my run!! ;)
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One Year already?? on October 22, 2012 10:44 am
Its been year already!!
There was a point in my life where I thought maybe I wouldn't even make it to 40 years old....and now here I am, running 11kms before breakfast!!
So much has changed for me this past year! With all the ups and downs, there is nothing about my surgery I regret, except not having done it sooner!!
I would like to take a moment and just count all my blessings that surgery has given me in my new life and toast all my NSVs....
Things I can do now that I couldn't 1 year ago:
I ran 11kms this morning in 1hr and 15 minutes.
Tie and/or buckle my shoes
I used to think my arms were too short to do this properly. Turns out my belly was just in the way.
I never liked shopping. I hated trying stuff on. It was so depressing!! I am still not very good at this one but I am definitely getting better. I went into Sportchek the other day and bought myself running pants....size medium....without even trying them on! Yes ok, I panicked all the way home thinking they were going to be too small....but they weren't and in that one brave moment in the store, I defied the voice in my head and just went for it!
Eat alone in public
I would have NEVER dreamed of eating alone in a public place before for fear that everyone was watching the 'fat chick' to see what she was eating. Now, it doesn't much bother me because in all honesty, I don't even think anyone notices!
I play outside with the kids. My kids are older, so its not the same as when they were little and going to the park with them. This is playing volleyball in the yard or basketball at the park. I played hockey for the first time! I even played volleyball at work!
I know this seems like an odd thing, but for anyone who has their laundry machines in the basement of their house or apartment, you know exactly what I am talking about here. Running up and down the stairs several times a day with a basket of clothes on your hip used to put my out of commission for days! Now, I can even do laundry on the days when I do my long runs! I have teenage boys and a diva daughter too so we're not talking about 1 or 2 loads here. I am talking like 10 or more!!
Talk to strangers
Not something I would advocate for anyone under 12, however talking to random people in the grocery line or at Girl Guides chatting with the other moms...I used to be so afraid and wanted to get in and out as fast as possible in the hopes that nobody would notice me.
In all of that, I think the best part of having had surgery is that I feel FANTASTIC!!! Of course I have bad days; everyone does. But in general, I feel awesome on the inside and I believe it shows on the outside. Many people have commented that I have pink cheeks now!! LOL! and I don't even wear makeup!!
If anyone out there is thinking about it....all I can say is that it really is hard work. But if you are prepared to put the effort into it, you get MORE than your share out of it. As I said before, the only regret I have is that I didn't do it sooner.
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Survived Thanksgiving! on October 11, 2012 7:03 am
So we had our Canadian Thanksgiving this past weekend.
I stressed over my menu for weeks. Not only because at the moment, we are a bit financially strapped seeing as how my Honey lost his job on Aug 3 - his company went bankrupt and sent them all an email at 9pm Friday night, basically saying "don't bother coming in tomorrow; you're fired" . Gee thanks. He started his new job yesterday though.....*deep sigh of relief*
But also because my Dad was bring his new "friend". He doesn't call her his girlfriend but I guess that's what she really is. He eluded to the fact that she had stayed the night on at least one occasion, but I tried not to think about it and pretended to ignore the slip. What he does on his own time is really none of my concern. He is an adult. I do not need (or want!) to know.
And then also because of what I can, will, won't and cannot eat. I wanted to add a few extra vegetable dishes and try to make as many healthy options as possible. Not only for me, but for everyone, including the new woman - her name is Josee- who is actually a fitness "nut" (as my dad says)....teaches cardio-kickboxing, bootcamp classes and martial arts! Woot!! Sweet!! I have something to discuss with her!!
I was really looking forward to meeting her, even though I was a bit nervous. I wanted to impress her but really didn't want to appear all 'fancy-pants' type either. I didn't go to Martha Stewart lengths or anything, but I did buy a new runner and centerpiece for the table. I even went as far as to buy a large pumpkin with the intent on roasting it a bit to use as a serving container for the pumpkin soup starter I planned on making!!
Ya....that got axed when I realized the time constraint and labour intensive effort involved :P Mostly the labour intensive effort...
My son ended up not being able to make it home. His jeep conked out on the 401 somewhere between Mississauga and Ottawa, so he ended up staying at his friend's place in Barrie. At least he wasn't alone and he still got some turkey and pumpkin pie :)
So we had turkey, roasted brussel sprouts, glazed carrots, sweet potato casserole with pecans, mashed potatoes, stuffing, gravy, home made SF cranberry sauce, pumpkin pie (made from real pumpkins that I baked) and an apple pie that was about 4 inches thick! I also made a chocolate cake with pumpkin puree in it. Apparently it didn't taste much like pumpkin but it sure was moist!!
I was so efficient in my timing that I was able to have a nap before they got there. And by the time they did arrive, the cooking and prep dishes had already been done and put away! I ROCK!
I had everything I wanted on my small plate and was completely full after about 2.5 oz of turkey!! It was great! I got to sit and chat with Josee and my dad...they had dessert and I pretended like I was going to eat a sliver of pumpkin pie but in reality. I just looked at it thinking, "Every other year I would have stuffed half of that pie away myself, no matter how full I was!" This year, I just let it sit there.
Of course, it didn't just sit there quietly, mind you. It was crying and calling like a baby who had lost his pacifier. It was hard to concentrate on what people were saying at times with all the pumpkiny whining....surprisingly, whipped cream has a voice too...all smooth and creamy and perfectly seductive! There was a point where I thought I might grab my sword (read 'very sharp knife') and shout "YOU HAVE NO POWER OVER ME!!!!" as if that darn pumpkin pie was actually the Goblin King. Ahhh....David Bowie....*drool*
But I digress....
Needless to say, it was a good day. Even though my son didn't make it, I am proud to say that I survived, pride (and health) intact.
and even....lost 2 lbs.
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The last 30 pounds.... on September 28, 2012 11:00 am
They say the last 30 lbs is the the hardest to lose, right? Or is it the last 10? 5?
I don't know.....but what I do know is this.....I AM SO FRUSTRATED!!!
I know I know...its a stall, its normal....back to basics....it'll come off, trust the process....I do know all this. But it is still frustrating!!
I haven't lost any weight in a while....no significant amount anyway. I am losing 2-3 pounds in a month now. Since my last check up at 9 months, I have lost about 10 lbs. I will be going for my 1 yr follow-up soon....so that gives you some idea.
I mean, that's not to say I am unhappy with my progress or that I am not proud of every single pound and drop of sweat that I have shed, because you can bet your bottom dollar I certainly am!! I am proud of myself!!
Wow. How many times have we said THAT "pre" surgery??? I bet not very many...
But I am proud of myself. It's just that....well 2 things actually.
1 is a disclaimer that I have PMS. It seems everything is harder to take, emotionally, during this time. I am easy to cry and easy to get frustrated with things that are usually a part of everyday life. Money is tight...yes well its tight for everyone these days, not just me. But during PMS time, I literally cannot sleep worrying about money and bills and what not....but you know I just checked my bank account and really??? It looks ok...
and 2....comparison. I TRY not to compare myself to other people because I know everyone's journey is their own and no 2 are alike....but sometimes that's the frustration button that just puts me over the edge.
For example: I ran 7kms on my lunch today. That's great isn't it??
Yep. It is.
So why have I been the same weight for over a month now??? 7kms a day, eating about 1000 calories and still not losing?? HOW IS THAT FAIR???
Life is not fair. I know.
But you know...I worked out a lot and was fairly active before surgery. Obviously not like I am now....but sometimes I think I should have just sat on my ass prior to surgery because it seems like maybe I did myself a disservice. I see people who had surgery at or around the same time as me, who were substantially larger than me to start, and are now down to a size 6 or even a 4!!! WTF??? Size 30 to a size 4!!! AMAZING!!!
And don't think I am not happy for them because I am...I am very proud of their success. It's when I hear that they didn't exercise at all to lose that weight....that it was ONLY from surgery......OMG I just want to cry!
I am a slow loser. I knew that before. But sometimes, I just freak out a little bit and have a miniature panic attack thinking that perhaps I wont lose anymore. Perhaps I will start my regain here at this weight! Then my heart races and I feel like I might vomit so I try not to go there....
I just have to learn to take a deep breath, focus on the positive, trust the process, enjoy my accomplishments to date....and center my chi or feng my shui or something....*deep breath*
OK. So positive affirmation number 1.
I am healthy
I am actively living my life
I have a supportive and loving family
I can wear skinny jeans (size 10 skinny jeans to be exact)
I have collarbones
...ok those last two were a bit selfish...but I'm not taking them out!
(Most days) I feel 'normal'
I have great friends in real life that I met on here from this website....
My journey is not over.
I am beautiful
I am worth it.
Now...to work on believing all of those....*deep breath*
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new size, new goal?? on July 27, 2012 6:25 am
So I went shopping for a few groceries last night; mostly stuff for the boys lunches and such. So we went to the cheapo store....
They were having a giant liquidation of a bunch of clothing, including rain jackets. I just happen to need a rain jacket because the one I have, is one that I bought BEFORE my surgery, in hopes that someday it would fit me. Well I think I bought it last summer, probably around this time....it fit my by Christmas and is now so much too big that it looks like I am wearing someone else's clothes. My Honey told me not to wear it anymore as I looked like a Ragamuffin.
I'm not sure what a ragamuffin is, but I don't think I want to look like one...
So I had a look at what was on the rack. They had green and pink. Oooh pink!!! I love pink!!
They had size 4, 8 and 10 left. Darn!! It was a cute jacket...and for $ 3??? Sheesh!! Only skinny people get the good deals!!
So I walked away and my honey said..."You don't like them?"
"They don't have my size"
"What sizes do they have?" So I told him.
He said, "try on a size 10"
I laughed right out loud in the store and looked at him as if he were on crack.
Then I realized he was serious so I gave him the best "don't be so ridiculous!!" look I could muster...but he just pulled it off the hanger and handed it to me.
So I shook my head and prepared to try it on and show him how silly he was being because I was nowhere NEAR a size 10....when suddenly, my arm just slipped right in....then the other.
I literally took it off right there and checked the size tag again before trying to button it up.
I slipped it on again and started buttoning it. OK well it might fit in the sleeves but there was NO WAY it was going to button up over my boobs!!
and it did.
OK, well maybe, but there was NO WAY it was going to button up over my stomach!!!
and it did.
Ya, but over my hips?? PUUULLEEEZE!!!
and, of course, it did.
My Honey just looked at me, nodded and walked away to go look at other stuff, leaving me standing in the aisle gaping like a large mouthed bass out of water.
A SIZE 10?????
So I bought the $ 3 size 10 pink rain jacket.
I can't wait til it rains again!!
When I got home, I put everything away and then, with a niggling sense in the back of my mind that there still MUST be some mistake....I gingerly took my beautiful teal-coloured satin size 10 Jones New York goal dress out of its bag. This is my GOAL dress.....this is where I thought I wanted to be.....this was a pipe dream that I never really thought would actually come true. I figured that dress would sitting my closet for the next hundred years or maybe if someone was very creative with the zipper, I might be buried in it!
I closed the door to try it on in peace, just in case it didn't fit....or even worse, just in case it did!
My Honey walked in just as I was about to slip it over my head. He watched and then just silently came over and pinched the material under my arm to zip up the zipper. I didn't even have to hold my breath!! It just zipped right up!!
My size 10 dress fits!!
My GOAL dress fits!!!!
But...what do I do now??
I certainly don't think I am done.
Can I make a new goal, or does that make me greedy? Should I just be thankful where I am and maintain, or do I go for the gold ??
i was nearly in tears with all this running through my head, looking (read: staring in disbelief) at myself in the mirror and running my hands over the smooth fabric of the dress. My honey just kissed me on the forehead and said, "You look gorgeous. I guess you'll need a size 8 now" and walked out of the bedroom.
I guess that answered my question :)
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