- Username: Sirene
- Location: Ottawa, Canada
- Member Since: 12/2/2010
- BMI: 26.6
- Post Op
- Surgery Type: RNY (10/20/11)
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Sirene's JourneyClick Here To View
Describe your behavioral and emotional battle with weight control before learning about bariatric surgery.
I was always a bit heavy, even when I was a kid. I had a round face and kids would tease me and call me names. So even though, looking back and seeing that I was definitely overweight but nowhere near what I *thought* I looked like, I always felt ashamed and embarrassed of being me. As I got older, the weight kept piling on and I tried everything. Every diet and every program and every method. My self esteem was so low that I imagined people laughing at me all the time. I was going to the gym 5 days a week, cardio training as well as working with weights. Everytime I stepped into the gym, I had to talk myself into staying rather than putting my tail between my legs and running for the hills. I felt like everyone was looking at me and judging me....
New BMI stats on June 19, 2012 6:13 am
You have a BMI of 28.7.
This shows that you are moderately overweight.
Your BMI is not high enough to qualify you for bariatric surgery.
Moderately Overweight???? Moderately? Not extremely, or very, or really really overweight....but MODERATELY!!
Whoa. I friggin ROCK!!! LOL!!
I weighed myself this morning. 189lbs
I think I am still in shock maybe??
I thought I was done losing and I know its only a pound or 2....but it's the difference between 190-something and 180-something.....I weigh in the 180's!!!
The best part is that until I was updating my stats here, and updated my little ticker thing....I hadn't even realized how close I am to my goal. 33 lbs to go!!
33?? THIRTY THREE???? That's it???
When I used to go to Weight watchers, every week I would feel so defeated and angry, especially with the little wisps of things that would come in and say..."Oh I need to lose 35 lbs!" and I always thought...man if I ONLY had 35 lbs to lose, I wouldn't even worry about it!!!
It's just such a mindf*#k you know?? I am having a really hard time wrapping my head around it! I am extremely happy and giddy even, but I never once DARED to believe that it could possibly be true....that this could work for someone like me. I have spent a lifetime feeling like I was the fattest person int he room and feeling like no matter what I did, I just couldn't lose the weight. Now???
I don't really know what to think...or say, other than "YEEEEEEEHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAWW!!!"
Mom: I am one of "those" people.
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2 interesting articles on Obesity in Canada on June 18, 2012 5:49 am
Today, I found 2 very interesting articles related to obesity. They specifically talk about Canada but I think the information applies anywhere.
The second article.....I refuse to comment on because I need some time to digest the information in there before going off on a rant. Unbelievable...is all I have to say for the moment.
This first one though, is extraordinarily interesting and all I have to say is...."It's about time someone said something!!"
(If the links don't work, try copying and pasting into search bar)
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Onederland??? on March 15, 2012 10:20 am
I weighed myself on Monday and the scale said 196lbs.
I thought it must be broken, so I waited until this morning before weighing myself again.
I keep looking behind me and wondering when someone is going to jump out, laugh hysterically and tell me I have been Punk'd.
Really?? Could this be possible??
I have been staving off tears ever since Monday by sheer willpower and the power of denial.
Waves of panic threaten to consume me, the swell starts in my chest, making it impossible to breathe and the tears start to well up behind my eyeballs and threaten to spill out, but I know that if that dam breaks.....it's all over!!! So I just keep on believing it must be a mistake....
I just need someone to talk to who understands this panic and fear and cowardice I am feeling. Why? Why am I not just happy?? Why am I having such a hard time accepting it? Why do I feel like I am going to cry every time I think about it??
Is it success?? Have I lived with failure so long that it has become so familiar and friendly that even the mere thought of possibly succeeding is making me insane??
I should be ecstatic and thrilled and happy and glowing and jumping around but I am really just terrified. I wish I could talk to my mom.....
I will try to face it on the weekend. But right now....I am just going with the "scale is broken" theory.
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Stupid scale.... on February 27, 2012 6:08 am
I moved my stupid scale back to the wall where it was before and voila!!! It went down!!! Its amazing to me that a scale can be so temperamental as to show a 10lb difference depending on where it’s placed on the floor!
I am a bit astonished/afraid/in disbelief..etc about what the scale *does* say though….. 207!! WHAT????? TWO-OH-SEVEN……that doesn’t even make any sense….
But then I look at what I am wearing today… Can you believe I am wearing a size L skirt from Urban Planet and a size L top from Zellers today???? When I bought the top, I picked up the XL and figured it would fit me eventually….my Honey grabbed it and put it back and picked up the Large instead…I thought he was crazy!! But in all honesty, I could have probably even got a MEDIUM!!!
I can’t even wrap my head around it! I look in the mirror and still see the same fat person, no question about it. I have zero ability to pick out clothes or dress myself! I think it’s called “body dysmorphia”? I hear it gets better?
The problem is that women’s sizes are so random. I tried on a pair of size 16 dress pants at Mark’s the other day and couldn’t even get them past my hips….and yet a pair of 14s from Giant Tiger (of all places! whose sizes tend to run small anyways) fit me fine! I think this contributes to the idea that “I am still fat”. There is nothing worse than trying something on in a bigger size that what you currently own, to find out that it’s too small.
The whole thing is a bit surreal and actually a bit frightening. I keep thinking I might wake up…..my only hope is that if I *do* wake up, then hopefully the part about my mom dying of cancer will also have been part of it….
Which then leads me to question whether I would trade having surgery to have my mother back….and of course the first answer that comes to my mind is yes!!!….but then I think about what she would say, and my health, and I am sure you know the rest of the feelings that go with that line of thinking….and then of course the guilt associated with that line of thinking….
So I just choose not to go there.
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Still stalling on January 29, 2012 6:50 am
Still sitting in a stall…but at least I am not gaining, right??
I haven’t lost anything since Christmas. Although very, very frustrating, I have to believe that the scale will move again some day!! Otherwise, that size 10 “goal” dress sitting in my closet will get pretty dusty!
One thing I have to wonder about: is this stall all in my head??
221 is the magic number. I have never weighed less than 221 except way back in high school. The lowest I have ever been in my adult life is 221lbs.
Now here I sit…at 221lbs.
That was my first goal; to get below that weight. That’s when I figured I would truly believe that this was working….if I could only get under 221, then maybe this is for real…
So now, at 221 for over a month, it seems a bit more than coincidence, doesn’t it??
So what do I do….ok well I have to re-frame my thinking….I have to put the scale away…..I have to just keep trucking and trust the process to work….I have to believe that I am not special and will not be the only person on the planet that this surgery refuses to work past 3 months for…..I have to measure, journal and track all my protein, water and carbs religiously to make sure I really am doing what I am supposed to be doing….drink 2L of water every day….gym 5 days a week
Anything else I missed?
Re-frame my thinking: I know what this means….but not entirely sure how to do it. I know I have to turn negative thoughts into positive ones, but until someone calls me on a negative thought, sometimes I don’t even realize I am doing it. And to be honest, its not like I say all the things in my head OUT LOUD!! Gods, I would never shut up!!
Put the scale away….well that’s easy. Ever since I realized that it gives a different reading depending on where it is on the floor…even the slightest angle difference….I find it’s not really much use anyways. I weight myself about once a week and unless its drastically different, I still just use 221 as my weight. One day it said 207 and I was pretty excited…..for about 12 seconds until I stepped on it again. Then, I kicked it.
Trust the process: Hmmm….working on that one.
Believe I am not special: I have lived for 39 years so far telling myself that I am the only person on earth who just cannot lose weight. I think it will take a bit longer than 3 months to undo that damage….but I am working on it.
Measure, Journal and track: I always measure and weigh my foods out. Journaling and tracking is another story. I tired doing it on paper and it was just too hard to find all the details for each food so I gave up. I tired tracking online, but I don’t always get a chance to sit down at my home computer. I can’t do it at work, even though I sit in front of a computer all day…because our internet access is restricted and the firewall wont allow it. And I am too poor to own a phone with an app on it to do it like that….so I am still trying to figure this one out too. I think I will just have to suck it up and do it by hand on paper!!
Water: also another dilemma that I am still trying to figure out. Between eating, travelling on the bus for 1.5 hours each way every day (with no bathroom!!) and just plain old being too busy to think of it….its very hard to get the water in. Not to mention that I can only drink a small amount at a time….
Gym: that’s pretty good…although this week I was feeling pretty crappy so only ended up going 2x so far.
All these excuses!!!! When I re-read this list, it just sounds like a bunch of crap to me. If someone else told me this stuff I would probably just say…well if it’s important to you, then you will find a way.
So…I will find a way.
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