Just an update from my big angry rant below. I'm feeling better. I'm still not in my happy place (lol) but I feel less like ripping things off the walls and stomping my feet and demanding my cookies.

:)

Thanks for all your kind words and notes. I think it's just something I have to go through at this point. It helps that I got my weight loss going again (more on that later this week, I'm a bookkeeper and January is always really nasty).

Yeah - this is just a big nasty rant and pity party - I might even delete it later, I'm SO not in a good place this week. If you're pre-op or early out and in la-la-la land, you'll want to skip it. LOL

So, I'm pretty pissed off these days. For so many reasons. I'm pissed off that I've come this far yet I still have so far to go. I'm pissed off that I got as big as I was. I'm pissed off that I'm as big as I am, even after losing 113 pounds. I'm pissed off that I have to work so dang hard to get further. That my clothes don't fit half the time, that I have so many clothes rotating in and out of my house. That I had to have freaking surgery to finally lose weight. That I couldn't do it on my own. That I can't sit down and eat like I used to. That when I eat too fast my stomach gets a little gurgle like. That I can't drink when I eat.

That every time I start feeling proud of myself, I hear someone say "oh, I was a whale" and I look and their starting weight was BELOW where I am NOW. I realize all of it is irrational and I'm sure this just part of the process for me (at least my counselor says so). I'm just not in a good place the past few days. I'm tired of this whole damned thing. I want someone to flip a switch and for me to weigh 140 pounds without any hanging skin to deal with and no wrinkles and a perfect hair cut with thick hair. Oh, while I'm wishing for the irrational, send me a few million dollars too.

I feel like it's not fair that the skinny bitches of the world can seemingly eat whatever they want and stay rail thin. It's not fair that I had to resort to sugery to fix something. It's not fair that I have seemingly no self control over food and that I'm busting my rear so hard. It's not fair that I have to track every thing I eat. It's not fair that I work so damn hard and then don't meet my calorie or protein goals. It's not fair that it feels like I've gone from one crazy extreme to another.

I miss food some days. I miss being able to go buy 4, 5 or even 6 breakfast tacos and stuff down the feelings of whatever is wrong that day. I miss eating a basket of chips and salsa all myself to celebrate whatever small victory I got into my head that I "deserve" to celebrate. I miss eating a really big container of leftover stir fry veggies and feeling self righteous that I ate a lot of good heathly veggies. I realize it's not possible and I realize that is why I chose THIS surgery but it doesn't mean that I don't miss it and it doesn't mean that I'm not pissed at myself that I even feel that way.

I'm sick of feeling so thin and good one day and then fat and dumpy the next. I'm sick of not knowing if I really do look good in a piece of clothing or not. I'm sick of trying to figure out how clothes are really supposed to fit.

I'm angry that I cannot undo this. I'm glad that I can't because I know I would, but I'm still angry about it.

Did I mention I'm not in a good place and that I'm fairly pissed off?

It will pass... right?

So I had a visit with the surgeon today. I'll get to that later, but... first...

So, my pulse before surgery was around 80-95 best I remember. I visited with my allergist prior to the surgeon and BOTH times my pulse was 68! And my blood pressure was right around 120/80. My BP is always normal at home, but at the doctor's offices it's always high. Anyway, I was stoked to see both of those numbers!

I've also been kind of "blah" about my last few weeks of weight loss. They haven't been stellar. I haven't been exactly a model paitient but I've been mostly following the guidelines. I'm totally tightening it back up the past couple of days and getting my rear in gear again.

So, anyway... my blood work results were in. My B12 was high (1950) so he said to stop taking that every single day (although it won't hurt me). My HDL was low (37), but nothing horrible. B6 was high (71). That's it. My liver enzyemes are GREAT! That means that I've undone some of the fatty liver damange (if not all, I guess a true way of telling is really required by ultrasound, but wow!).

I have got to get my butt in gear and back on the train though. He thinks I'm not eating enough calories. Sigh. I dunno. I usually net 650 after exercise. I'm going to leave it for another week and stay on the striaght and narrow and THEN up it if I don't see results. BUT the bottom line is that I've lost 16 pounds since my visit with him 6 weeks ago. I mean, that's still well within the expected ranges at 6.5 months out. I need to chill out.

Of course, my own negative self-talk says that 7 of those pounds happen in one week (which was CRAZY, by the way). I have to remember to think in averages here. Hopefully I'll see another large block like that so I can stop making myself crazy.

He said he fully expects me to his his goal of 250. My own goal is 175 and he seemed to think I could do it, but I have to put in the effort and show up and it will more than likely go beyond the 1 year mark (which I fully expected going in to this).

So, butt back in gear, nose to the grindstone. I got this.

Dear Mr. Scale,

Pleave move again.

Please?

I mean, seriously, here... it's been like 10 days. I'm starting to feel offended.

If I wasn't pregnant, since I was 18, I'd been on the pill. Mostly, the 3 month Seasonique pill. LOVE that thing. Only one very light period every 3 months. When I made the final decision to have surgery, it was basically the same time we decided, absolutely 100% (instead of the 99.5% we were at) that we were done with kids. So, the husband went and got a vasectomy. The LAST thing I needed was to get pregnant and it would be good for me to get off of the pill and let my hormones even out.

Great right?

Yeah, except now I have a period every month. And it's pretty heavy. Sigh. I have to say I feel like my moods are much more mellow without the pill. Whether that's to do with my diet, the pill or losing weight I don't know. I don't really want to go back on it so I'll talk to my gyno in March when I have a regular appointment with her.

BUT the good new is that I'm NOT crazy. I've spent the past week trying to get back on the wagon again since my few days off at Christmas and I've been moderately successful, but it's been tough. The cravings are making me crazy. Because it started a few days earlier than I expected, I guess I didn't even think about PMS. Thank god I'm not insane. LOL

I've always had major PMS food cravings. I rarely have any other symptoms, but fighting the sugar/salt cravings is always a tough time. It also explains the 2 pound bounce back I've been maintaining pretty steady over the past several days. I'm not counting it because I knew it wasn't real, but sheesh already!

I'm still with the program and feeling less insane.

... and always oversharing :)