So, I'm exactly 11 months out today. Wow. It seems so long ago, yet just like it was yesterday. I'm down 149, including the preop loss of 20 pounds.  I want to hit 150 before my family heads to Disney this Summer, but unless some crazy weird stall is on the way, I don't think one little pound will be a problem. I loss 8 pounds in my 11th month. That's very impressive this far out, especially because I don't eat super super strict. I'm not a protein/carb nut. I want to say that I "stick to my plan 80% of the time" but that's not right because my plan is to include all foods in my diet.

I had popcorn last night and then a little bit of ice cream, for instance. That's a once a month thing, if that. I was still down a pound this morning (I was suprirsed, frankly, because of the sodium, but hey... I'll take it).

I guess I feel like I've spent 30+ years of my life being obese from food and I have to make some sort of peace with it. It's always going to be in my life. I can't just not eat. It's not a real option. So, I have to learn to incorporate all the foods into my diet in moderation and learn to eat all over again.

I also believe that I deserve real food. And good food at that. I'm not going to live my life on shakes and bars and refined and manufactured food products. I deserve fish and wonderful fresh vegetables. My body deserves it. If that means I don't lose all 200 pounds in a year or even 20 years, that's okay. I've got 50 pounds to go and I know it could take me another 12-24 months to lose it. I'm okay with that.

I seem to have come to some sort of peace with the way my body loses weight. It comes off in "whooshes" as I call them. I will stall out for 9-15 days and then will lose 3-6 pounds really quickly. I just go with it now. I do still weigh every day (sometimes twice a per day - yes, I STILL get on the scale, even at 226 JUST to see that my weight STILL starts with a 2 - it's sick, I know, but I still get a rush from it, so dammit, I'm just going to enjoy it).

I don't spend as much time on the online forums as I did. I'm sad about that, but I found a local group and there's several us in the same places with our journies and they seem to be a better support system for now. I'm also out doing stuff. I'm amazed at how much more energy I have and how much better I feel, in general. It's truly life altering.

My family is preparing for a big trip to Disney in Florida soon. It's going to be an interesting trip for many reasons, not the least of which is that I've not been this "thin" since probably high school.

I'm back to walking and working out a little more. My times are better with walking... not like they were, but this is not a race, it's an adventure :)

Not sure where this will go today, but here ya go... I had a crying breakdown this morning (thank goodness for the most amazing hubby ever) so I guess I just need to get this out. What's wrong, he asked... just a lot. It's a lot of emotions today. From the weight loss, to the neck surgery, to the vacation, to the needing help, to just... everything.

It struck me today that I've spent the last 11 months or so trying to recover from obesity. Yes, my body is - I paid $14.5k for that on 6/21/2011 gosh darn it, but my mind is the hardest part. I can't just give someone some money have them fix that all up. I could sit here and tell you whose fault it is, but it doesn't actually matter anymore. It's my brain. It belongs to me and I have to take control of it and what it allows to happen. I also have to forgive myself on bad days. Yeah, so I ate a couple of cookies. The world is NOT going to come to a screeching halt.

So, I have that going on and now this c-spine fushion surgery. That's a whole other recovery road. This morning I did something really stupid (my therapist would say I shouldn't call myself that, but dude... it was really stupid) and decided to try to go without my pain meds. I made it about 5 hours past when I should have taken some. Yeah. Stupid. I'm just sick of being on them. It's been a month. I have about 2 more months, at least. It's crazy. The recovery is horrible from this thing. I don't wish it on anyone.

The pain meds have the lovely side effect of constipation. I've blogged about my issues before so I won't bore you again, but I had a setback in that direction last night that was... unpleasent. So, I guess going off my meds was a... well, it was stupid, but I got it in my head that I could work through the pain (stop laughing) LOL. So, I'm making more changes in my diet for the short term to help with that. ANYWAY...

I went shopping yesterday with my sister and I'm in 14/16 tops at Lane Bryant. A year ago, I was starting to outgrow the 30/32 at Catherine's. For those that don't know those stores, Lane Bryant starts at 14/16 and goes up to 26/28. Catherine's goes up to 30/32. Both are "plus size" stores that cater to plus sized women and they usually have some cute stuff. But it struck me yesterday that that could be my very last time shopping for clothes (I do like their bras so I might go for those) at a "plus size" store for myself. I realize that these stores run big so I'm really 18/20 or 20/22 at some box stores and some brands, but I still find it amazing. I can finally shop just about anywhere. I found this CUTE sundress at Ross and went looking for a shrug and found the perfect shade of blue for it at Lane Bryant. Look it! So yeah, that could have been my last trip there for clothes.



The family is all still going to Disney in June. I really would like to lose another 6 pounds by then, to put me at 225. I remember telling my husband that I just wanted to be a size 20 for Disney. LOL. I guess I did that! And 225 is completely doable. I've also decided I'm not going to sweat food at Disney. It's one week. I'm going to eat whatever I want and enjoy it and just let it go for a week. It doesn't matter if I don't lose anything or even gain a few pounds. It's freaking vacation. So, I'm going to not worry about it. I actually feel really good about that. I know I'll still have to be careful with it, I can't go crazy because I'll hurt myself, but if my daughter and I want to split a turkey sandwich with fries, well, that's what we're going to do and I'm not going to sweat the darn fries.

Speaking of Disney... with the fusion surgery, it's changed those plans up a bit. I have said for many years that I'm afraid of roller coasters. I don't know how true that is, honestly. I've just been too overweight to ride them for so many years that it was a lie I told others (and myself). I was looking forward to seeing if that's true, but I was told that I cannot ride roller coasters or anything that would jerk my neck or cause any jarring for 8-12 months. Wow. That kinda sucks. BUT it's okay. Really, there's not too awful many rides like that there from what I can gather. My loving hubby wants to put it off, but that wouldn't be fair. Six Flags is just an hour away so we're going to celebrate my "all clear" with my surgeon after the 1 year fusion follow up by going there and ride the darn coasters! 

I'm playing with the idea of a scooter. I still get tired easy and I'm still on drugs, I top out around 3 miles now before I'm toast. I *know* I should get one, but this vacation was, for me, supposed to be different. I wasn't supposed to be tired and needing to stop walking. I wasn't supposed to need a scooter (hell, I've NEVER needed one of those before). I think I'm going to have to suck it up and get one. And also check into a medical clearance from my doctor so I won't have to stand in the lines too awful long. Ugh. I hate that. I didn't want to be "different". I wanted to be "normal" this time for this one vacation. It's okay. I know it is, but I just feel... cheated? Hmmmm... I dunno. It doesn't matter. At the end of the day all that matters is that we all have an amazing time.

Speaking of bad days. Today is a bad food day. I have days where I can seemingly eat endless amounts of food (this does almost ALWAYS coorelate to my monthly cycle). Then I have days where I can eat normally (well, my new normal - which is thankfully most of the time) and then I have days like today. Where every bite is a chore and it just feels awful going down It takes hours to eat sometimes. These are the days that I have that twing or regret of "why did I do this to myself". Those are the days that I start looking at my photos too. And why I made this one today. I wore that outfit on the right out with my girlfriends last night. I'm wearing it out to dinner with my hubby tonight again, darn it. Because I can. And becomes I found my boobs! (LOL, 144 pounds loss makes them pop out (even if they are saggy and a little deflated) and I got a good bra) ;)

I don't have time to rehash the whole story, but follow this link, which will send you to the full story on my business blog too. That will catch you up on the scary week I've had. It has nothing to do with weightloss, but it was very scary none-the-less.

The worst is that I was pumped so full of fluid htat I came back to a five pound gain a few days ago. I refused to record it because I knew it wasn't real so (I just ignored it in my stats)... this morning, I was down 3 pounds from where I started this whole thing. I have been VERY lax on my diet. Eating is difficult, my throat is SO sore, so I'm eating pudding and basically anything that will go down nicely, plus, yes, a few comfort foods. It's okay. I'm aware I'm doing it and I have it under control. I think THAT is the difference now.

Anyway, I was worried I wouldn't lose anymore, but of cousre it's not true. I'll be okay. I'll be out of working out for a few months, so I suspect I'll lose a little slower than I have been even now, but that has to be okay. I'll survive.

I'm tired so I just wanted to update, read the link above to get the full scoops. Keep my family and I in your thoughts.It's been a crazy ride.

As of today, I'm 137 pounds total down. Dayum, I kinda rock.

So, this past week, I got on an airplane. I fit into one seat with the armrest down comfortably. I could use the tray table (although I will admit I paid for the upgrade so I'd have more leg room, so that might be why, but... maybe not...).. I didn't need a seatbelt extender... and there was plenty of slack in it too! I was able to feel normal for the first time in a very very long time on a business trip. I sat in seats that were lashed together in the conference room and didn't feel like I was physically invading someone else's space. It was pretty freaking cool, I must admit... but...

I also didn't gain any weight. I think that's the first time I've EVER not gained weight at one of those things. In fact, I lost a couple of pounds.

The event was "Be The Change" - it was a business event about changing your business marketing, etc etc... We were challenged to take these buttons that said 'I'm Be The Change Bound' and take a photo. At the very last minute, I had a stroke of inspiration and printed out my before photo and took this:


Life is good.

Except that a few days ago I started having some pretty nasty pain. It starts at my neck, goes down my shoulders into my arm where it starts to be kind of numb. My doctor thinks it is a pinched nerve. I went for an MRI tonight. Ugh. So, no working out for me for a while I think... at least until I know what this is and start to heal it. I'm on drugs (which aren't really helping - ugh!). I'm worried they will eventually put me on steroids, which can cause weight gain, but the most important thing for me right now is to be healthy. I hurt. I hurt BAD right now. :(

So, I finally bit the bullet and bought some new freaking shoes. The one thing I wasn't expecting is to have to replace every single pair of shoes I own. Let me take a minute to mourn my beautiful pair of Munro work shoes. They were super comfy with soft beautiful black leather and 9 months ago fit my foot like a glove. Now they are falling off of my feet. I wore those for 2 years to almost every business function and conference, so comfy and so perfect. They were $250. They were size 9w or maybe 9.5w. Now, I'm wearing 8.5m or 8w or even 7.5w depending on the shoe. I'll miss them but I'm letting them go... passing them on to someone else. I've lost almost 2 shoe sizes! I still wear wides in a lot of brands, but my foot shrank, it's just regular wide, not extra wide or something like that.

It's weird. I never thought my feet were fat! *laughing* So, over the past few weeks, I've picked up new workout shoes, a few pair of business/casual shoes and a pair of brown loafer type shoes. I bought most of them at Shoe Carnival, so good quality, but not super high quality. I don't THINK my shoe size will change any further, but I don't want to stock up on super nice shoes until I know for sure.

I knew I'd go through clothes and I've been super lucky in that my friends that have seen my body shrinking that are also on their own weightloss journey have shared with me as they outgrow (under grow?) their clothing. This has been HUGE as I've only had to buy two pair of nice business pants. I own my own business and work at home so I can usually get away without casual stuff. But I started in a size 34. I'm now a size 24/22 (depends on the cut, of course). That's a LOT of rotation into and out of my closet! It's been a daunting task keeping up with it. I'll put something on and realize that it's HUGE on me. I even have all new pajamas! 

The clothing thing is both really cool and really daunting. I didn't have many 34s and quickly moved in 32s. Then I was stuck at 26/28 for FOREVER. 24s I'm mostly in now, but am starting to move into 22s. It's a constant process of trying stuff on and putting into the closet in the "fits, but give it another few pounds before it rocks" pile and "dear god, it's huge now, give it to someone else" pile. Right now my closet is pretty full. I have lots of 24s and am starting to filter 22s into it. I have boxes of 22s and 20s and 18s and 16s. Thankfully, I only have a couple of boxes of those to deal with right now, but I have 2 more bags coming to me this weekend. And FIVE bags of stuff to give to someone else in the trunk of my car.

I'm not complaining, really, but I didn't even really consider clothing. I figured I'd buy a few essentials and then just deal. I'm SO glad I didn't have to do that because I love clothes and I wear a lot of them and variety. But dealing with the in and out flow is so overwhelming at times! I'm lucky that people have been supplying me with stuff so I don't have to think about it too much. 

I'm not sure what to do about clothes. I've had to shop at Catherines and Catherines only for years. I shopped at Lane Bryant and that was exciting, but now I'm realizing that I can likely find stuff at Dress Barn and even Target. The idea of shopping is daunting to me. I'm glad I haven't had to deal with it too much yet. Every time I do have to deal with it, I end up in tears because the size on the tag doesn't match the picture in my head. I'm SLOWLY catching up, but it seems like as soon as I get "okay" with it, I drop another size. LOL! I seem to be falling through the sizes a little faster now. I'm having to change things out every 20 pounds or so. I do look forward to seeing where I will end up. I think a size 16 is easily attainable for me, but I also though 20 would be the lowest and I now know I'll go below that.

It's just... overwhelming... at times.

I'm still struggling with underwear. I have SO much overhang that it hangs out the legs. I simply haven't been able to find a pair that is truly comfortable with small enough leg holes (I have chicken legs). Sigh. It's annoying. I can't wait to lose the rest of this and get that lopped off. I'm tired of dealing with it. I've considered buying all compression shorts with a cotton crotch and just using that. It's become THAT big of a burden.

Onward and upward. It's all good stuff, but just things I didn't think would be a big deal.