Time Goes By and I'm still the same.

Aug 28, 2014

I can't believe it has been since 2006 that I've been toying with this surgery idea.  I am really screwed up where weight loss is concerned.  I was in 12 step food programs since I was 24.  First, I was in OA and it was a magical experience.  I became a thin person for the first time working a low carb food plan.  But as tends to happen to us when we lose weight....we get that popular "short" haircut ...and gain the weight back.  And, I gained it back with a vengeance.   At over 400 pounds, I went back to OA after being out for 2 years and once again lost 200 pounds, but this time I was heavier and remained at 240 pounds.  

At that time, in San Francisco, Food Addicts in REcovery Anonymous was coming into fashion.  All of my friends were going over to FA so I saw their joy and happiness and went over there too.  In FA, I lost the rest of the weight and was smaller than I had ever been...size 8!  I had the abdominoplasty to remove all the loose skin on my stomach.  I was happy but I was also very insecure.  The program is very all encompassing and most people's lives are restored to wholeness.  But, for me it wasn't happening like that.  I felt like everything was moving fast and I needed to keep up.   I had spent my 20s being fat and then thin and then fat again.  Now, here I was in my 30s and doing the same thing.   

But, I was skinny and things are manageable when you are skinny.  The world is kinder when you're skinny.  People tend to give you a wider berth when you are skinny.   I dated alot but I felt like an imposter.  All I wanted was to meet someone great and get married and have a family.  I tried to pretend like that wasn't my goal but deep down inside that was my heart's desire.  I wanted to live a good life and rectify the harms of my childhood.  

Nothing seemed to work out in that department and I became increasingly frustrated and ashamed.   My younger brothers had success in relationships but not me.  I felt like a reject.   I began to take liberties with food again.  Eating in restaurants as much as possible was my first attempt to medicate with food.  Eating large quantities of abstinent food in restaurants was my way of coping and not being with myself.   It gave me relief of my disappointments ....until I had to go home and face myself with a full uncomfortable belly.   I started to go up a bit in weight...a few pounds...I justified it by saying that I looked too skinny before...

But things started spiraling.  My disappointment with myself and my inability to form lasting relationships with a guy...the sensitivity I have always struggled with where I internalize everything around me...this sets up the shame spiral....and we know where that leads....right to relief city!   Relief city for me is filled with sugar and flour!   

Well, that was in 2004.   Now we are 10 years later.  I attempted to end my life on Christmas Day in 2004.   Obviously I did not succeed.   I weigh over 450 pounds now.  I've wrestled with going to OA or FA or getting surgery for 10 years.   I have tried to go back to meetings of OA and FA but the magic is gone for me.  I no longer feel that drive to work the program.  I don't believe anymore.   It's lonely.

I have Kaiser and have met with the surgeon and he told me I need to have this surgery due to the fact that I've lost 200 pounds twice.  He thinks the surgery is the only option for me now.   I started engaging with surgery in 2006...its now 2014.   I've attempted to lose the 50 pounds required to get the surgery.  I have failed at every attempt.  

Today, I feel like the surgery is my best bet.  I'm not afraid anymore of it like I was in 2006.  I have tried to go back to program and it doesn't happen.  So, time has gone by and people's lives have grown and they've moved on...but I'm still here looking at skinny pictures of the way my life used to be when I was not super obese.   I am living in the past because the present is too painful.  

I had an idea to start Medifast for a 4 week period and lose the weight needed to engage in the surgery.   I need encouragement from folks to let me know it's a good idea and I'm not fooling myself.   

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