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I went into WLS knowing that there were emotional reasons why I put this weight on.  As a sexual abuse survivor, I have dealt with so many abuse issues, I didn't think there could be much left to deal with.  I was severely abused as a child.  I knew that.  I had dealt with all the feelings of betrayal, loss, anger, you name it.  I've had counseling, 12-step groups, etc.  I've been able to overcome everything but my weight. 

WLS is taking care of the weight.  YAY.  However, I was not blind to triggers and knew that losing weight was likely to trigger some memories and emotions.  Ironically, what is being triggered is not abuse, but all the regular life issues that everyone deals with.  What do I mean?

I had this fantastic best friend in Junior High.  We were silly and creative and a great match in friends.  High school came and separated us into different classes.  I assumed our distance was due to having different interests in our very large High School.  My freshman year  was truly horrible.  I had many crises brought on by the abuse, my mother's illness (I had to take care of her and the house), and the pressure of being in high school ( I wasn't allowed to make below a B-).  I missed my friend, but I didn't understand until around Christmas that she had moved on to other friendships.  Not only was she not my best friend, she wasn't my friend at all.

I remember being angry at her.  But, I can't for the life of me remember grieving for the tremendous loss of her friendship.  So, I've been looking at what ended our friendship and why.  Through an adult's perspective, I realized that she really had been awful about it.  I had always held her in such high regard, I couldn't believe that she was truly responsible.  I felt like it had been my fault, since I was a "less than" kind of person.  Her dad had a better job.  Her house was nicer than mine.  She was smarter than I was.  She was more creative.  She was a "more than" person.

As an adult, I realize that this friend lacked the character to remain my friend.  Further, she must have held some kind of resentment or true dislike for me.  Our senior year, my ex-friend and her new best friend wrote an article in the school newspaper about how the band didn't have enough school spirit anymore (Yes, I'm a proud band geek.).  They specifically described me in this article, without mentioning my name.  I knew when I read the article that I was the person they were describing, but I only blamed the new best friend.  Odd, how our mind works.  Both of them wrote the article.

So, I'm coming to terms that this ex-friend didn't just drift out of my life, she walked out purposely and maybe even with a bit of hatred.  I am choosing to forgive her.  But, first I really did need to take a look at her character and hold her accountable for the way she hurt me.  I am not a "less than" person any more than she is a "more than" person.  We are both God's creation.  I'm His favorite just like everybody else.

I saw my surgeon today, and everyone else.  Everything went well.  He and my nut came up with a plan for the problems I have had.

I got to eat for the first time in a month today.  It tasted so good.  I think I overate, despite keeping portions small.  But, it feels good to be full.  Having "real food" instead of protein shakes makes me feel better physically.  The nausea has lessened.

Tough day today.  I think it was the heat... I hope it was the heat.

I picked my son up from a summer program he's a part of, to get him to another appointment.  I felt tired, but I felt okay.  Getting outside where it was very hot, just sapped the strength out of me.  I hope that is what happened.

I rushed home from that appointment in time to get sick at home.  I guess I'm not as healed as I thought.  I want to venture out.  But, my husband and I agree, only in the mornings before the heat of the day.

I have a post-op appointment with my doctor on Thursday.  I hope he has something that will fix this.  I think I'm still dehydrated from being sick last week.  I find myself daydreaming about having an IV.  In any case, I'm losing a pound and a half every day and for that I am grateful.

Just barely, but I'll take it.  My big days seem to be falling on Sundays.

I'm having trouble wrapping my head around these numbers.  Maybe it's because I feel so weak right now.  Maybe because it's been so long since I've been on this side of 300.  It's just hard to grasp.

Nevertheless, I'm happy.  :-D  Happy Father's Day everyone.

Being lactose intolerant started with feeling bloated and awful.  It ended with a day full of throwing up and eventually diarrhea.  My husband came home from work and nursed me back to some semblance of being okay.  If he hadn't, I'd have ended up in the emergency room.

I've spent yesterday just trying to rehydrate.  Today, I'm drinking Isopure and trying to put protein back into my body.  I feel better, but I also feel like I'm back at square one, or maybe two, today.  I'm just making myself do what I need to do.  I don't feel like having anything but ice water.

Yep, that was a hard lesson.  I'm moving on, though.  This will not stop me.

I had to know and now I am miserable. 

On a brighter note, I am losing a pound and a half per day.  It is so consistent, it amazes me.  I am hoping that by my post surgery check-up I will be under 300 pounds.  I'm happy with my weight loss.  :-)

I am not happy with my diet right now.  I am weary of shakes and boring food.  I'm tired of drinking meals.  Oatmeal and cream of wheat were exciting two days ago.  Soup is a nice diversion.  But, mostly, I'm tired of it all.  I must be patient and wait until I'm released to move to soft foods.  I look forward to eating protein, actual cheese, actual eggs, not just something found in a mix.

Overarching all this is the amazing fact that I'm losing weight everyday.  That is a great motivator.  I don't know what will happen tomorrow after my day of having milk, but my goodness, who can complain?

I didn't even notice when I weighed this morning.  It wasn't until later when I was thinking about writing a note to a family member about our next visit and how I might look when she sees me that I realized, I've lost 100 pounds.

My journey started last year at a weight of 408 pounds.  My BMI was too high to have surgery, so I had to lose weight before I could schedule my surgery.  I was able to do that in the Spring, but didn't have surgery until last week.  With the liquid diet, the weight came off quickly.  That has continued after the surgery. 

So, here I am.  One week out from surgery and I've lost 100 pounds.  I'm happy about that.  I'm also happy that the next 100 will come off faster. 

My surgery on Monday went well.  I'm still in the hospital, but I feel so good all things considered.  I'm off the IV, so I put on shorts and a T-shirt and feel more like a human being and less like a patient. 

My surgeon said that I'm a thin person on the inside, which means that my liver shrunk up like it was supposed to.  The prognosis is great and I've had some jello, broth and a tiny bit of lemonade.  I'm feeling really positive!

I've made it through my two weeks of liquid diet.  Tomorrow, early in the morning, I have RNY surgery.  I'm tired and want to go to sleep, but I know I'm not going to feel very good this week and feel like I ought to be doing something while I feel like it.  We live a few hours from the hospital, so my husband and I got a hotel room nearby.  It's nice to have a little pampering before the big day.

I am about to re-route my digestive tract.  It's hard to grasp the totality of this decision.  But, I look forward to a new life with a smaller body.

until my big surgery....

I am so happy and hopeful about actually looking like the person I feel that I am.  This surgery will enable me to physically become who I want to be.  It's a huge deal.

On the other hand, I'm completely rewiring my digestive system.  That is not so thrilling.  But, the current plumbing isn't helping me lose weight.  I've always felt at odds with my body, as if it were my adversary, counteracting every positive change I've ever tried to make with my diet and exercise regimes.  I'm one of the strongest willed people I know; yet, I've never been able to win my battle with my weight.

I began this journey of WLS last year about this time.  I agonized for weeks about whether or not I should embrace this drastic solution.  I did not want to, but my Preferred Care Provider and a Specialist that I see both recommended it.  I had to at least consider the possibility.  I prayed, cried, fumed, and fussed for about two weeks.  At the end of that depressing time, I realized that this really is what I need to do.

I went to the seminar and got an appointment to see the doctor.  Once there, I was told my BMI was too high for a safe surgery and I would have to lose the weight.  It took me quite awhile to get to the BMI I needed to be at, but I am glad that I've had this year to lose so much weight on my own.  It's reminded me how hard weight loss is for me and that I need this help.  It also reassured me that I have given this a good effort before the surgery.  I've gone about as far I as I can without the surgery.  Now, I look forward to the surgery doing what I have never been able to do in my whole life, reaching my goal weight and maintaining a healthy weight.

For this, I am truly grateful.