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Food filled my soul's hunger for my whole life.  I loved the feeling of a distended stomach, full beyond capacity.  It masked the void of love I felt in my life.  A very abused child, I ate to numb the physical and emotional pain.  Obsessive thoughts, many about food, kept my mind off the hell I was living through. 

I have overcome a lot in my life.  I have done my best to stop the cycle of abuse in my family.  I have turned in some of my abusers to the police.  I have tried to take some of the strength I gained through recovery to help other abused children through foster parenting.  Still, my soul hungers.

Unable to overcome obesity, I had WLS.  Daily, RNY forces me to behave as I must to lose weight.  It is working.  The soul hunger remains.  However, there is not enough room in my pouch to mask the pain of this love void that still lingers.  The unintended consequence of my WLS has caused me to reevaluate what is truly important to me, what is truly needed in my life.  The answers have shocked me.  It's as if my eyes have suddenly been opened and I can't believe what I am seeing. 

Instead of hating this void in my life, ignoring it, masking it, I have come to understand that it is a true need. After a horrific childhood of not having that need met, I came to believe that it was a personal flaw, that I was somehow defective or too wounded, that somehow it wasn't a need at all.  The void, the need had to be brought into submission either through prayer or discipline, or self-sacrifice.  Now I know it needs to be filled.  It is an important component of who I am.

Feeding and tending this need has not been easy.  I am still discovering all that must fit into this void.  Those closest to me are unaccustomed to this seemingly new need.  One very important person to me has withdrawn support, kindness, and even love, which makes my soul ache even more.  I am uncertain what this will eventually mean to that relationship, which scares me. 

Nevertheless, I am convinced that my decision for WLS has been the right one.  I feel like that missing piece of the puzzle has become attainable.  It is not simply losing weight and getting healthy, it is getting me.  I am becoming me.

There's a math equation I can get excited about!  I weighed today and the scale said 249.  I love hitting a goal!

The last time I was at this weight, I was on my way up the scale, not down. It was about 25 years ago and I was in my 20's.  I wasn't weighing in at that time, so I'm guessing it was around 1985-1986.  It feels so good to be at this size.  I was sitting on the couch last night, legs crossed and thinking, "Wow, this feels great."

Blessings to everyone who is joining me on this journey.  I'm glad we're doing this together!

What a ride this has been so far!  From my surgery weight, I have lost about 65 pounds.  All totaled, I've lost over 150.  I feel great, not perfect, but awesome.

Life is full of possibilities, a few trials, some difficult decisions, and learning, learning, learning.  It seems like everyday is a challenge to find a way to beat stress without overeating.  Given some of the stresses of this last week, I understand how it was I got to over 400 pounds.  I was eating emotions and words.  Now, I know I have to be assertive instead of passive during difficult situations.  I have to deal with anger instead of dulling it with food.  I have to face problems instead of smothering them with gravy.  I can't anesthetize my pain with food.  I can't even drink.  So, one by one I face my troubles head on. It's hard.  But, I say, it's still a good trade.  I would never go back.

My prayer life is improving.  I didn't think it needed to, but I guess it did. 

I love walking into a new situation with a (still extra large) body that will fit into chairs.  I love the confidence I feel.  I love feeling like me again.  The SMO version of me had become fearful of new situations, chairs, embarrassment.  She had become stilted and a little agoraphobic.  She was tired and losing hope. 

I love the quote, "Become the change you wish to see."  That is what my life is right now.  I am change.

I was so excited last week that I finally, FINALLY broke that stall that I forgot why I wanted to so badly.  I've lost over 150 pounds now!  I am very excited!  I had lost quite a bit prior to my surgery, but it had gotten really hard and I struggled for every pound.  It's not easier for me now, it is just more successful.

At my lower weight, exercise is doable.  It's still a chore somedays.  Other days, it's something I enjoy.  But, I can do it.  Prior to surgery, my joints ached too much.  Exercise was painful and non-productive.  Now, it's more of a mental challenge, getting myself to follow protocol and just get it done.  Colder weather has forced me indoors.  I miss walking the trail outside at night, but I have a treadmill and I'm enjoying exercising with the TV on.  I'm working on my strength exercises which make me sore the next day, but there is a reason they are called strength exercises.  I feel stronger.  I like that a lot. 

I am days away from my five month anniversary.  It's amazing to me that it's only been that long since WLS.  I'm losing about 9 pounds plus change per month. 

Emotionally, well there are some challenges there.  Since I can't eat away my troubles, I tend to be less tolerant of people who are inconsiderate or who take advantage of me.  Close relationships are being challenged and the rules are changing.  The key is respect.  I give it and I need it.  I have begun to treat one loved one exactly as he treats me.  I can tell right now that he feels confused and angry about it, but after years of begging and pleading with him to be kinder, I've decided to mirror his actions instead.  I don't know how long it will take for him to get it, or if he will, and what that may mean, but I refuse to be treated poorly by people who proclaim to love me most. 

Best wishes to everyone who is on this journey with me.  Blessings to you as you bust stalls, reach goals and learn a new way to live life.