subacloud
Fat Head
May 28, 2011
I have a fat head. I don't necessarily mean that my head is big.. it is. I just have this fat way of thinking lately. I weigh less right now that I have in about 25 years. Until now, I have felt skinny because I was SMO. Now, though, I have fat head. I walk around feeling fat. I'm not sure why this has caught up with me: I suspect some self esteem issues. I was looking in a couple of stores for clothes, which has been fun for me. The clothes in my size look too small. I was drawn to the plus sizes. Yikes!
I've been doing a lot of emotional eating. I have been pretty emotional.
I knew when I filed for divorce that my life would radically change, people would leave it. I didn't expect to have to divorce my church, which I am for all intents and purposes. I was told that I needed to "rest from worship". I am a musician and am passionate about worship, so resting sounds ridiculous to me. I told my pastor that this was a punitive act, that it quietly, but publicly shames me. I was told that they know best and I should trust them. I don't. So, a support system that I thought would be in place is not. I have taken my flute home and I am worshiping without a congregation. Call me stubborn if you want. I just thought this was an ill-timed insenstive thing for my pastor to do.
I love God. I'm not too thrilled with his people.
I am in a stall. This is no surprise given my eating. I am grateful not to have gained overall. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I have been through a lot the past few weeks and I just don't feel like pretending it's been okay.
Still, I wish you all the best on your journey.. Blessings.
18 comments
I've been doing a lot of emotional eating. I have been pretty emotional.
I knew when I filed for divorce that my life would radically change, people would leave it. I didn't expect to have to divorce my church, which I am for all intents and purposes. I was told that I needed to "rest from worship". I am a musician and am passionate about worship, so resting sounds ridiculous to me. I told my pastor that this was a punitive act, that it quietly, but publicly shames me. I was told that they know best and I should trust them. I don't. So, a support system that I thought would be in place is not. I have taken my flute home and I am worshiping without a congregation. Call me stubborn if you want. I just thought this was an ill-timed insenstive thing for my pastor to do.
I love God. I'm not too thrilled with his people.
I am in a stall. This is no surprise given my eating. I am grateful not to have gained overall. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, but I have been through a lot the past few weeks and I just don't feel like pretending it's been okay.
Still, I wish you all the best on your journey.. Blessings.
What Are You Working For?
May 03, 2011
My new job is working one on one with children with autism. Kids on the spectrum have particular needs. ABA (Applied Behavioral Analysis) is an effective way to help them. ABA is a "hard" science, unlike psychology. Behavior can be quantified and measured. With kids on the spectrum, behavior can be molded using positive reinforcement.
So, when I sit down with one of my kids to begin a session, I ask, "What are you working for?" Positive reinforcement works for them, but the hard part can be finding something that is reinforcing. With each kid, it's important to find that reinforcer which will keep them at the table doing some really hard work.
I don't have autism, but I need that reinforcer, too. Losing weight is a built in reinforcer. However, my love affair with food has served me all through my lifetime. I've used food as a medication for years. It numbs my emotions and soothes my soul. WIth all the upheaval in my life lately, emotional eating has been a problem this past week. I do pretty well during the day but at night not so much. So, I need to change what I'm working for. I need a more powerful reinforcer.
I haven't figured out what that is yet. I think I may need some quick, easy reinforcers that don't delay gratification too long... that aren't food. I haven't come up with any ideas yet. Mostly, I'm focused on the need. But, I'm going to sleep on it and see if I can't dream up a solution.
Blessings to you. Thanks for being part of my solution.
7 comments
So, when I sit down with one of my kids to begin a session, I ask, "What are you working for?" Positive reinforcement works for them, but the hard part can be finding something that is reinforcing. With each kid, it's important to find that reinforcer which will keep them at the table doing some really hard work.
I don't have autism, but I need that reinforcer, too. Losing weight is a built in reinforcer. However, my love affair with food has served me all through my lifetime. I've used food as a medication for years. It numbs my emotions and soothes my soul. WIth all the upheaval in my life lately, emotional eating has been a problem this past week. I do pretty well during the day but at night not so much. So, I need to change what I'm working for. I need a more powerful reinforcer.
I haven't figured out what that is yet. I think I may need some quick, easy reinforcers that don't delay gratification too long... that aren't food. I haven't come up with any ideas yet. Mostly, I'm focused on the need. But, I'm going to sleep on it and see if I can't dream up a solution.
Blessings to you. Thanks for being part of my solution.
