ObesityHelp

Just as I knew I would, I ate like a freaking dog for the holiday.  I'm so disgusted with myself!  I ate until I was sick...and I still didn't get to taste everything.  I'm such an addict.

So after a 3 1/2 hour drive home last night (a drive that's usually 2 hours, but thanx to traffic etc...) I was too tired to pack a lunch.  I took one of BF's frozen chimichangas for lunch today.  Wouldn't you know my BFA tried to eat the whole thing, but halfway through my conscious (and stuffed pouch) said 800 calories and 41g of fat are just too much for one sitting,  Fat Azz!!!

OK, that's behind me now, and just as soon as I polish off this last sliver of German chocolate cake sent up by my aunt from down South, I'm going back to my seafood regimine.  Back to the gym, back to the water, back to the fitday.  None of this BS!  I have exactly 2 mos. and one day to lose 25 lbs.  I had better grind.

I still haven't scheduled my 6 month f/u visit.  I'm going to do it this week for sure.  I have a headache from all the guilt.  Gotta run.

OK, yestereday was my 6 month anniversary (ur not supposed to use anniversary if it's not at least 1 year, but I can't think of the right word and this is not an English lesson).  

I had hoped to be down at least 100 lbs. from my weight the day of surgery, but I'm not and I don't even care.  I know I didn't work as hard as I could have, but SO WHAT!  I'm healthy, I haven't lost any hair, I'm wearing a size 14 so I'm officially "thick" and not "fat"...so they say.  Now,  if only I could get Toccara's curves and Janet's abs.  Beyonce's booty and a 15 year old's perky breasts my weight loss journey would be complete. 

This is not to say that I'm not going to continue working at it.  I've settled into an enjoyable eating pattern.  Yes, I still measure my food, I'm still shopping on the outside aisles of the grocery store, I'm still getting in my 64-80 oz of water per day...I'm even drinking plain ol' water w/o the Crystal Light On-the-Go packs.  I can smash some days, eating everything I can shove into my piehole...other days not so much. 

I can say I'm happy to be healthy and even though I didn't make my goal, I still made my ultimate goal of size 14 and that is enough for me.

I went home this weekend and apparently I haven't been there in a while b/c my mom went berzerk over my weight loss.  She claimed not to know who I am and was very impressed.  She paraded me around town and I was told I look great, of course.

When I got to my brother's house, he promptly reminded me that I need a breast lift, I'm still knock-kneed, and my butt is still flat.  Hmmmm, I don't even know what to say about all of that.  I informed him that I am kissing 30 on the lips and these 30 y/o breasts will not stand up like I'm 15.  I've been knock-kneed all my life...why would that change now?  Furthermore, due to our parentage it's only natural that I have a flat behind...JUST LIKE HIS!  What is this?  Dare I call a spade a shovel?

So much of it is going around.  My young cousin told me I had Death in my face...please see my avatar, I'm ALIVE, I feel like I'm 16 again..and I'm looking it too.  My niece...my darling 19 y/o, pregnant out-of-wedlock by a fellow loser who won't taste pie at the pie factory if you paid him, hopeless-loser niece....she wouldn't even acknowlege my weight loss, she's more concerned about whether my hair is real or not (FYI, I'm wearing a weave designed by my Angelette and it's very Divalicious and obviously fake but who cares b/c it's cute).  Anyway, my run-our-family's-name-through-the-mud-mad-because-she's-a-pregnant-fatazz niece called my cousin to inform her my BF and I are getting married (more info on that to come).  She went on to say things about him which are completely inappropriate, unacceptable, and deplorable.  Is it the weight loss?  Is it that I have been exceptionally blessed this year and they're upset about that?  Do I need to stay away from their camp?  

I'm going to be honest with y'all.  I'm really hurt by the things she said.  I'm hurt that she would disrespect me and him that way.  That's why I said those things about her, but my policy is I do not change postings because that is how I was feeling at that moment.  This is how I feel right now.  I'm almost moved to violence...and that's not classy.  

I understand it's difficult to adjust to my  new look...and I also understand that their commentw were not about me.  This is about them and the way they feel about themselves.  I don't have a grand conclusion to all of this, I'm just hurting y'all, and I wanted to record this for my records and for the pre-ops and new-ops so you see what's in store.  It's not all glitter and gold.  The social ramifications of rapid, drastic weight-loss touches EVERY relationship.  It has made BF and me closer (I'm getting married in the summer!).  It's made me lose friends who I thought were my road dogs...and it's intimidated the current family Swans and made them feel like the Ugly Ducklings.  People tell you what they always thought about you after you lose the weight.  Strangers speak more freely about fat people when you're around.  Maybe I'm ultra-sensitive, but I feel like a fat girl in disguise.  I feel like....I don't know how I'm feeling right now or how I'm going to sort though these feelings.  I just don't know...but I'm hurting.

It went to my head, y'all.  Everybody has been telling me how good I look, men are winking at me, and I'm shopping Victoria's Secret Catalogue (funny story about that later, not funny=ha ha, just another "well I'll be d__ moment).  Anyway, I haven't worked out in 2 weeks.

I'm SO ASHAMED!  I have a million excuses too, A MILLION.  Yeah, I've had a little bug, it's awfully cold, I don't want to mess up my hair, I have cramps...yeah, any ol' thing will do.  Just any old excuse to be lackluster.  It stops TODAY!  Tomorrow is too late.  Tomorrow, I'll go to the gym, cramps, cute hair, package coming, and all.  I don't care how cold it is, I don't care how much better I would feel curled up on the couch talking loud and country, planning the last minute details of Thanksgiving dinner (like I can eat)....I'm going to the gym.  Remind me to give you this pot roast recipe, it's magic. 

I'm glad I could get that off my chest.  So, anywho, back to Victoria's Secret.  I worked at the Victoria's Secret Catalogue World Headquarters all the way through college.  I'm talking all four years and had a 40% discount on top of sales....I could have bought anything for pennies on the dollar if I caught the right sale.  The sad part is that I never really got to take advantage of that job perk b/c I was too fat for the clothes.  Back then they didn't make 44 DD bras, back then they didn't carry size 22/24.  Back then there was no way I could consider a babydoll with a built-in bra.  I could buy shoes, jewelry, satin sheets, perfume....anything....but not the clothes.  I would spend my breaks looking through catalogs talking about what I liked or didn't like...as if it mattered.
That's what I call an "I'll be d___" moment.  I've missed out on so much being fat.  I'm just glad I took care of that while I'm still young and before I got sick. 

No shopping today, I've really got to reign that in.  I want to buy a house and I'm not buying anything if I can't control myself whenever I see a "% OFF" sign. 

I've come down with some sort of bug so I didn't go to the gym at all this week.  I would come home and clean like they found Ebola in my crib.  Maybe I didn't get my heart rate up, but I wasn't sitting on my BFA talking about the way I think things should be.

No updates really, I haven't been on the scale, but I'm sure I'm in the Century Club by now.  I use the scale at the gym for a more accurate reading of my weight.  My home scale is cool, but it's just so cheap and finnicky.  The Buckeye game is on, so I can't talk long.  Just thought I would check in.