~*~August 16, 2005~*~
Well, I guess I didn't keep up with things like I wanted to. Tomorrow is my one year appointment with Dr. Fred. The 31st is my "official" one year anniversary. WOW. So many things have changed. I feel SO much better on a lot of levels.
I am so much more confident in myself. I spent most of my life trying to make other people happy. Not stepping on too many toes..blah blah blah...but now, I know, I don't need to do that. I don't need to make anyone happy but myself. And my self is doing just fine.
Last year at this time, I was not too happy. Not feeling to happy with myself, my life, my reality. But now, it's all different. Things have changed in my appearance, my emotions, my relationships. It has become very obvious that quite a few people too comfort in my obesity. They sat around comfortable with themselves because they were never the "fat one". It was always me. Sorry. That's over now. I can go into a store now and look around and know that I am not the fattest, unhealthiest one there. That is an accomplishment in itself.
Last year at this time I was 398lbs. Last year at this time I was wearing a 32/34W. My shoes were 12W. I was completely unhappy and unhealthy with myself. I couldn't run for more than a few steps and I couldn't bring in my groceries without about passing out. It sucks living in an apartment with stairs.
This year, is different. I don't know what I will weigh on my doctor's scale (not that it's reliable at all but..) when I weighed myself on a home scale Saturday I weighed 252. I had made it my goal to be down to 250 by the official anniversary day but now....who knows?! So this year I am going to weigh under 250lbs. I am wearing a 14/16/18. 14/16 on top and a 16/18 on bottom. And we're talking Misses sizes. Not Women's anymore. Sorry Lane Bryant and The Avenue....I can only shop there for Bras now and who knows for how long. My shoe size has gone down to an 11. And even some of those are big. My bra size has gone from a 50DD to a 40/42D. Thank GOD those babies haven't gone down too much. Even though I will be getting new ones when I can afford it.
I'm different. I feel different. I'm happier and I WANT to do things. I WANT to get out and SOCIALIZE and meet people. I'm not ignored. I'm a person. A real person when I go out. I get noticed. I love it.
As for my personal relationships...they have changed SIGNIFICANTLY. I can't believe how different my marriage is...my friendships...everything. Even my relationship with my daughter is different. She doesn't notice that mommy is skinnier. I'm just mommy. But *I* know the difference. *I* am the mommy that does stuff now. Not the mommy that sits on her ass the majority of the day. I'll walk and run and swim and DO stuff.
So for those of you wondering if this is the right choice. For me, it was. For you, think about it. Think about what the weight is doing to you. Your life. Think about all the things you are missing out on. All the things that you can never get back. If you have kids, it's their entire life. All the little things. All the trips to the park, the going on rides at an amusement park, the rides down the water slide.
It's amazing how things have changed. No, it hasn't been the easiest thing in the world. I battle my desire to eat every single day. But I know deep down that I can't eat like I used to and I don't NEED to. That is what I knew before but couldn't enforce. I needed to eat to live not live to eat. And this tool that I have been given allows me to enforce the proper eating I knew I needed to be doing but didn't have the will power to acheive. It gets easier every day. Eventually....it'll just be me.