ObesityHelp

July 26, 2007

Ahhh where to start...

The past 2 weeks has been interesting to say the least.  For those who know me or have read my blogs, knows that things between hubby and I have been strained for awhile.  We just don't see eye to eye on certain things, namely, what I find important he does not, and when I need support from him, I feel let down (amongst other things) However...4 weeks ago, hubby (I will refer to him as GW) went to the cottage with our son (as they do every year for 2 weeks in July) and I stay here.  I don't go to the cottage for a number of reasons, mostly because I am not a hiker, boater, canoe'er, fisher, etc. (yep all because of my weight!)  Also because my in-laws are there (it is their cottage) and quite frankly I find it BORING after 2 days!   Besides, we like the break from each other!  lol  Sooo...anyways, 2 weeks later he comes home, and I was quite suprised to be excited to see him!  (Our son is staying up there for the whole summer and so it is just GW and I) I met him at the train station and we went out for dinner.  Now let me back track for a second.  While he was gone, I had started walking every night (or on my treadmill) and I pretty much didn't eat anything.  So I had lost a bit of weight since he was gone.  Not a whole lot - however enough for people at work to comment to me that they could see it in my face, and I had been able to wear 2 shirts that were skin tight previously.  Ok, so back to us going out for dinner.  When he saw me, he didn't say anything in regards to me looking any smaller, and honestly it pissed me off!  I didn't say anything at first, and we went to a restaurant that we haven't been to in a long time.  When we sat down he pulled out the table for me so I could scoot in behind (as he does in every restaurant for me!) and when I sat down, the table was WAY too far away from me!  So I pulled it back towards me and he had to move his chair up.  At that point, I said to him "Umm hello, did you even notice I have lost weight" and he replied "yes, when I hugged you, that's good my love!"  Ok, now maybe I am not normal (as some people would be happy if their hubby acknowledged that) but me...I get all mad and say "Well thanks for not saying anything?"  See, it's stuff like this, that really burns my ass.  He knows how important this is, and how much of a struggle it is for me, and he doesn't even say a word until I mention it first.  ARRRRGGGHH!!  Anyways, I got over it, and we had a nice meal.  I didn't order my customary burger/fries (my fave!) I got a wrap and salad, and picked out all the crutons and bacon bits (also my fave!) When we got home from dinner, I geared up to go for my walk (much to GW's suprise!) and he asked if he could come with me (much to MY suprise!) So off we go...and about half way through it, I look over at him and he is sniffling and tears are running down his cheeks.  So I ask him what is the matter (yikes this still tears me up! ) and he says he is just so proud of me and he is so happy that we are walking together because it has been a dream of his for a long time.  Trying not to reel back in shock, I tell him that he hasn't asked me for years to go for walks with him (he goes out with our son daily for walks/hikes) and he said it was because I had refused him so many times before, he quit asking.  That shut me up quickly.  He is completely right, even up until 2 months ago, had he  asked me, I would have said no.  Anyways...for that week, we walked every night for about 20 min, hand in hand, talking, laughing etc.  It became our 'thing' to look forward to at night after dinner.  It has been a real breakthrough for our relationship.  We made dinner TOGETHER every night, and after our walks we'd sit on the porch and talk for an hour or more.  UNREAL!  GW and I have lived almost like roommates for the past 5 years, barely acknowledging each other.  We have NEVER had any real communication, and we lost respect for each other a long time ago.  Who knew that this journey of mine would bring our relationship closer?  Anyways, this week and next he is back working nights (he is 2 weeks days 2 weeks nights) and I was really disappointed and sad that we wouldn't be able to walk together for 2 weeks.  He did say that if I could wait until he got home at night (11:30 p.m.) he would go with me, but it's too late. (I get up at 6:00 a.m. every day)  It's almost weird for me to say, but I miss him.  I have gained respect for him again, and he is being phenomenal in regards to my eating/cooking choices etc.  He even calls himelf my 'coach' and when I don't feel motivated to eat well or walk - he is the one who gives me that extra push.  FINALLY I AM GETTING THE SUPPORT I WANTED FOR SOOO LONG!!  Our sex life has returned as well  (7X last week????!!!  I was lucky to get it 7 times a year!) and we can't keep our hands off each other (can I get a whoop whoop?!)  I WANT to help him out, and be his partner, and just be with him!  God, it has been YEARS since I felt this towards him.  I am counting down the days before he is on days again, and I am praying that it is still the same....
So, I have still been walking every night, my g/f from work comes over here and we go out.  We are up to about 30 min a day or so...I haven't been feeling too hot lately (this cyst is SO big - more on that later) so I have been dreading going out at night with her.  She has really been pushing me, which is good I guess (other than I feel SO crappy!!) but at least I am still going out.  I have wanted to cancel 2X now - and she says "nope, I will be there in 10 min"  As much as it pisses me off, I go, and feel good doing it even if I suffer all night after!  I was slopping around in my sandals on my walks, and GW was concerned that my feet were hurting afterwards and I had a few blisters, so he went to the archives of our basement and dug out my old runnerss I hadn't worn in about 8 years.  Needless to say, I think I will be getting new runners this weekend lol!     GW has also been reading my "blue bari binder" and he is getting informed!  The funniest thing...I told him he needed to read the "blue bari binder" before he meets Dr. Cutie and he says "why do they call it the blueberry binder?  LMFAO!!    So needless to say, a couple of days later he was reading the failed marriage stats in the 'blueberry binder', and he looks up at me and says out of the blue "This whole surgery thing - it will either bring us closer together or completely ruin this marriage.  I think this will bring us closer together - don't you?"  Ahhh - where was this sweet man for the last 10 years?  lol  He has also said a few times, "I was so shocked when you pulled the table back towards you at the restaurant, you haven't had to do that in years"  I wanted to yell "BOOYA" and high-five him!  lol

 ANYWAYS.....I hadn't weighed myself in since I started bouycotting food, and walking, for a few reasons.  First, because most scales don't go over 320 I have no way to do it, but also because I knew what I was doing was working, and I didn't want to be discouraged by small numbers if I didn't feel I was losing fast enough.  (I have one of those minds that if I don't lose 20 lbs in a week, I get MAD, however unrealistic that may sound!) So last Wed I had to go in to get the blood test/chest x-ray/EKG done for the surgeon, so I thought I should weigh in.  All day I was nervous, I was scared it would show only 3-5 Lbs lost (even though I knew it would be more...I had been losing inches and wearing some clothes that were no longer killer tight!) I closed my eyes and got the nurse to look...and I am happy to report  17 LBS in 5 weeks!!!  My goal for Dr. Cutie was 25 lbs.  Once this cyst is removed, (that will be about 10 lbs) I am pretty much there!!!  I go in again tomorrow to get copies of the test results, and I will do another weigh in.  FINGERS CROSSED!  In regards to this cyst -   get this - I had to go in for 2 ultra sounds and the measurements of this one is 25X25!!!  OMG!  The last one was 20X22 and the specialist said that was the largest ovarian cyst she had ever seen in 32 years.  Well guess what?  lol   My tummy is SO distended, I look about 8 months pregnant!  It is the size of an inflated volleyball!  Too bad I couldn't get rich making some sort of "Guiness World Book Record" or something!  I was told it would be aspirated by the end of July - but haven't heard back from that surgeon as of yet.  I meet with Dr. Cutie on Aug 24 - and I am SOO afraid I won't have lost the 25-30 lbs he wanted.  I am still not eating, and I am still excercising, so I am not sure why I am so freaked out, but I guess that is because of a lifetime of failed weight loss attempts?  So - I am happy to say...life is going well - and I haven't even had the surgery!  GW is a doll, I feel great (minus the cyst) and I am counting down the days!!!   More later my dear friends!!