11/4/05
Let me start off by saying what my current weight and height are. I am 5' 3" and a cool 311. I am also 32, married with a 14 month old daughter. I've scoured many profiles trying to find someone that started off where I am now to see how my journey could possibly turn out so I'm posting my info up front.

Just like a lot of you out there, I have seen and heard many things about weight loss surgery for years and years and thought that I would never consider doing anything that drastic to myself. I mean, it's major surgery. Plus, the only thing you really hear about in the press are all the bad things, the complications, the deaths, the weight gain after the weight loss, the plastic surgery... you know what I'm talking about. They never mention anything about all of the good that it does for the thousands of people that have actually had the surgery and have been successful at their weight loss. I, too, thought that losing weight was all about willpower. You either have it or you don't. I was hoping that something was going to happen in my life and that little willpower switch in my brain was going to finally turn on. Well, 32 years later, I'm still waiting.

As long as I can remember, I have been overweight. I've always felt like I was the biggest kid in my class. When filling out the paperwork for the referral to the surgery clinic I called my mom to see when she thought that I first began to gain more weight than the average kid. She said when I was about 12. In my head, it was even sooner than that. I can remember being in PE class in the 4th grade and not being able to hold myself up on the chin-up bar and feeling humiliated because I was the only one that could not do it. Then in middle school, I had to wear a uniform but had to have mine specially made for me because the store didn't carry a size big enough to fit. How embarrassing is that?! Highschool wasn't too bad. I went to an all girls school and pretty much felt accepted. I wasn't popular but I wasn't a loner either. Didn't get much attention from any boys (not that there were any there). Now that I think about it, I guess I just didn't pursue male attention like some of my skinny friends. I wasn't confident enough. I definitely was still the heaviest out of all of my friends. I never lost weight in high school or felt motivated enough to try.

When I started college, I still felt heavier then everyone else but again, still not uncomfortable enough to do anything about it. I wanted to be healthy and to eat better so I decided to go to Weight Watchers. I lost about 15 pounds. Even after losing 15 lbs I was still well over the 200 pound mark. I did great while in the 12 week program but after that, I just fell off the wagon. Cut to 15 years later and 4 more attempts at Weight Watchers and the most that I've been able to get off is 20 lbs. I did try the dreaded Phen-Fen. Lost 30 lbs. Then gained 40 lbs when I stopped because I was scared I was going to drop dead from a heart attack from the meds.

So that's my story in a nutshell... Just waiting for all my insurance stuff and surgery date to be determined.

02/17/06
I've done all my prework, had pints of blood tested, had an EKG, ECG, took all my nutrition classes (both pre-op and post-op), lost 15 lbs and finally got my date.

It's February 27th.

Now everything is real. The countdown is on. Less than 2 weeks. I'm having a hard time with the "last meal" syndrome but I'm trying really hard to not succumb. I know that after surgery I may be able to eat some of my favorite things, but if not I'll just have to deal with it then. I guess I'm just trying to go into surgery with a positive attitude. I WILL WAKE UP ON THE LOSING SIDE and that I AM STRONGER THAN I THINK.

My husband and family are worried about the actual surgery. I am more worried about what happens after surgery... practicing the new eating habits, exercising, the changes in my body. I keep thinking about how losing weight will make life so much more enjoyable. I guess I'll post my after "To-Do List" here.

1. Have a lap for my baby girl to sit on
2. Not worry about breaking weak looking chairs
3. Wearing a shirt that doesn't have to be long enough to cover my a$$
4. Walking up a flight of stairs without needing oxygen
5. Being able to walk on the treadmill and talk at the same time
6. Sit comfortably in a booth at a restaurant
7. Wear a bathing suit in public
8. Be the first one up on a dance floor
9. Getting rid of my CPAP machine
10. Shopping at Victoria's Secret
11. Take a bath and have the water cover my tummy
12. Buy smaller shoes.
13. Live a longer, healthier life for myself, my husband, and my daughter.

That's all I can think of right now... Wish me luck.

04/10/06...

K. I'm officially a loser. As you can probably tell, I made it through surgery just fine. It was quite uneventful. My hospital usually releases their RNY patients the day after surgery but I got to stay an extra day because I threw up twice while the discharge nurse was talking to me. And I didn't do it on purpose. She was just telling me about all the meds I was going to have to take and I couldn't take it. I was glad to stay the extra day although my roommate was kinda weird.

I've tolerated everything that I've tried to drink/eat so far. I was afraid that I wasn't going to be able to eat chicken anymore. I don't know what I would have done if that was the case. Fortunately for me, I can eat fish, chicken, turkey... haven't tried beef yet but I'm looking forward to it.

Now to bigger, more pressing issues... I've posted this on the Messageboard too... I've hit a plateau at 6 weeks. I can't believe it. I think I'm eating, drinking and exercising right but I've gained and lost the same 2 pounds the past two weeks. I'm afraid that I won't lose anymore. Is that possible? Could I have had this life changing surgery and not be able to lose the weight still? I try not to compare myself to anyone else's lost weight but I'm just concerned that I haven't lost anything since 4 weeks out... What am I doing wrong?!!!! Do I need to increase my protein or my water or my exercise or all of the above? Hopefully someone will come to my aid...

09/27/06
Wow... It's been a minute since I last posted. I really am on this site every day but I'm too busy trying to get inspiration from other people to post anything about my own losses.

Today is my 7th month anniversery of my surgery date. I'm doing well. At least, I consider it doing well. Since I've made the decision to have this surgery which was actually one year ago, I've lost almost 100 pounds. I couldn't have done it without the surgery. I'm still not below the 200 lb mark (have 17 more pounds to go) but I'm working really hard at it. As I've said in some of my posts, it's hard for me to find the balance between caloric intake and exercise. Sometimes I find that if I stop exercising for 3 or 4 days, I'll lose weight. Weird. I'm still trying to figure out how my body works I guess. Now, I'm fitting into size 18s down from 26/28s and 30/32s. Those elusive 16s are just a breath away...I can taste it. It's hard to believe that I'm the same size I was in High School. I didn't feel this big in High School. My husband thinks my sleep apnea has gone away. He hasn't heard me snore or stop breathing for a while now... That's a good thing. Having a hard time getting my shopping addiction under control. I just don't want to look sloppy in too big clothes now. And with the change of seasons, I am finding that I have no Fall/Winter clothes that fit. Oh well... time to go the mall again. Darn.

I've been asked to speak at UC Davis's Pre-Op Meeting next week. I haven't decided if I want to do that yet. Not quite sure if I'm ready since I feel like I'm so far behind my doctor's goals for me and I've missed a couple of our most recent Support Group meetings. We'll see.

But, I'm trying to stay positive. Working towards my personal goal of 170. I don't know if I ever want to be a Skinny Minnie. I say that now but let's see how I feel when I get closer to that weight...

I've posted some pics in a slideshow for anybody that happens to be interested in seeing my progress... Thanks for looking!

10/05/06
So I did it. I agreed to talk to the Pre-Ops at the Surgery Clinic. I was a bunch of nerves all day. I was thinking what would I say that would matter to someone thinking about this major life change. What could someone have said to me when I was in their position? I walked into the room and thankfully saw that two other post-ops were there. I had never met them but they seemed nice. One was 2 years out, the other was 4 years out. They looked great.

So the Pre-Ops were five women, some with surgery dates, some no surgery date yet. The Post-Ops were set up in the front of the room. Three chairs side by side. I started off by introducing myself and then the other ladies followed. Then they started asking questions. And I could answer them!! It seems that I know more than I thought I knew about this surgery and the after effects. It was great. I gave out a few cards, met some nice women, and realized that I am becoming more comfortable with talking about myself and my situation if it can help.

Oh yeah... And I was so hungry after work before the class that I had to stop at The Vitamin Shoppe for some protein because I forgot it at work. I found this new kind of Slim Jim type thing called OS-Trim. I just looked at the calories (80), sugars (1), and protein (14) and said that was for me... It turns out that its actually ostrich and beef. Who'd a thunk it? Looks like a fat Slim Jim, tastes like a Slim Jim, makes you thirsty like a Slim Jim but for 14 grms of protein, you can't beat it!

10/19/06

I did it!!! One hundred (and two) pounds lost since the day I decided to have this life changing surgery. I'm so happy I don't know what to do with myself. Maybe some shopping therapy at Goodwill...

11/08/06

Just updated the slide show that I have in this profile with my 8 month update but I can't figure out how to add new pics in a slide show format to this new profile.

Everything is going okay eating wise. I'm finding that I'm not enjoying what I'm eating as much. Like for dinner the other night I was craving spaghetti so I made some whole wheat spaghetti with sauce with a whole bunch of ground turkey. I ate maybe half a cup then decided that it wasn't doing anything for me. Not sure what's going on with that.  I'm definitely not eating enough of the right things. I feel it.

I'm down to 204. Just five more pounds till I hit the Century Club. I can't wait. I was hoping to be under 200 by Thanksgiving. We'll see.  The only problem that I'm having is that I am so tired all the time. I've increased my iron and B12 intake but so far that hasn't done anything for my energy level. Maybe I need to wait a few more weeks for it to kick in. Can't wait for Thanksgiving. At least I know that I can have a little bit of all the foods I like. Kinda regretting the fact that I don't dump on anything unless I eat too fast which I have a tendency to do.  

Wow... I just looked at the beginning date of my entries on this site and it was one year ago that I decided to start this. I can't believe it. So much has changed. I had the surgery. I've lost a lot of weight (and still have a lot more to go according to my doctor). I've gotten rid of my CPAP machine. I can walk up a flight of stairs and chase after my crazy two year old down the street without getting out of breath and/or breaking a sweat. I'm gonna need all the energy I can get trying to keep up with that little kid.

It's hard to believe that I started this journey over 300 pounds. It didn't seem like I was that big when I was that big. But I was. I was just fooling myself and all of my friends and family loved me too much to ever say anything about my appearance. Now, looking back, I can't believe I ever let myself get to that point. It took me having a kid and realizing that I wanted to be there for her to help me make the decision to get healthy. All of the other WOW moments are just fringe benefits.  Even though my health wasn't as bad as others, I was on a road to destruction if I let myself go any further. Thank goodness I was given the opportunity to put the brakes on before I went even more downhill.

12/29/06

Now it's time for the year in review...

 At the beginning of the year I was still fighting the battle to lose the 10% (31 pounds) that Dr. Ali asked me too. We all know what a struggle that can be especially during the holidays. I never lost the 31 pounds but I did lose 20 and that was just fine with the doctor. He said as long as I didn't gain any weight and that he could see that I was making a genuine effort he wouldn't postpone (or cancel) the surgery. In January, they called me to schedule my surgery. They could have done it in early February but I was too scared so I opted for the last possible day in February that I could have it done, February 27th.  I made it through surgery without any complications (so far, knock on wood). The weight has been slow coming off according to my doctor's calculations but there are reasons for that. All my own fault...Still, ten months later, I'm down over one hundred pounds with another 50 or so to go. Right now, as I sit here, I'm at 201ish.

As you can see throughout this journey so far, there are still struggles. Some are the same, some are different. Unfortunately, I'm not the kind of person that can just leave well enough alone and I had to test myself with the sugar and fat thing. Sometimes I wish I hadn't and had just believed that I couldn't eat sugar or fried stuff. Sometimes I wish that I had a harder time tolerating food. I think maybe the weight would be coming off faster. But it's not. And it's my fault. I know what I should and shouldn't be eating and when but I still do it. Maybe not as much as before (not nearly as much as before) but I still do it. What's wrong with me? I still haven't figured it out.  As I've heard before, the surgery doesn't fix the head problems. Now I can relate and agree with that statement.

What I do know is that I need to get back on the program. I was thinking about joining Weight Watchers because I've seen some people do it after surgery and some stalls with success but right now, financially, it's not feasible. I still have all the paraphanelia from when I was on it twenty times before so maybe I'll just try to find it and dust it off to start up again on my own. Points. BLAHHHH!!! Then I was thinking about jump starting the weight loss by fasting and just doing protein shakes for a couple of days. Don't know if I can do that again. We'll see. I do know that I need to be more consistent with my exercise. I stopped because I just got too busy. Well, maybe that's a little fib. I stopped because I can think of 50 million reasons not to exercise (not that any of them are valid though). I wish that exercise gave me the same high that other people get. Instead I just get sweaty. I'd rather get sweaty doing other things.

Needless to say, I will again attempt to make the resolution of getting healthier. Thanks to this surgery I am healthier than I was last year. Let this New Year help me to be even healthier than the last.

01/02/07

198.6!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Need I say more?

03/28/07

Haven't posted much... Not much to report except the scale is moving so slow that it's practically at a standstill. I still weigh myself every day. That really has to stop. I just can't bring myself to put the scale away. It depresses me when I step on the scale and it doesn't move. AT ALL. For months at a time. I don't know why I think it will move when I'm doing all the wrong things to myself. I still don't think I have the will to do what is necessary to make this tool successful for me. I seriously need to work on that. Why am I so weak? Don't know. Why can't I just figure out what I'm doing is not healthy for me? Don't know. Maybe I need to see a professional about my issues...

On another note... I'm doing something totally out of the norm for me next week. I was selected to be a possible candidate for a Plus size Calendar. Yes, I'm still a plus size. Just barely (16's and some 14's)... In fact, I think that if I'm not picked to be in the final Calendar for 2008 it may be because I'm not 'plush' enough. At least the makeover and photo shoot should be fun.  I'll be travelling to So Cal for this adventure (or mis-adventure).

Ideally I would still like to lose another 40 pounds or so. I'm not sure how it's going to all play out. I have some supporters out there but is their encouragement and positive thoughts going to be enough to turn me around? Tune in next time to find out...

04/19/07

I made it back safe and sound from my 24 hours in LA. Talk about a whirlwind experience. First, my plane was 2 hours late arriving and I only live 6 hours away by driving... When I was picked up from the airport I was asked if I've ever done any modeling before. Come on! Me? I said "nope, never"... Then I was promptly warned that I may not make it into the calendar cuz I've never done any modeling before and I would probably look and feel awkward and it would probably show in the pics. I completely understood where she was coming from since she does this for a living. I'm cool with that. I just wanted to try something out of my comfort zone that I never would have done before WLS.

So after staying up till 2 in the morning after picking out my wardrobe I had to be up at dark o'clock in the morning the next day for hair and makeup (they had their work cut out for them...!) After getting the works, it was time for wardrobe and the first shoot. Good times! I felt like a supermodel for that hour. Then wardrobe change, location change, attitude change... we went to a different location for another shoot.  More good times! Then it was over just like that. Time to go to the airport. Luckily I was able to work in a delicious dinner and some titillating conversation before I had to be dropped off at the curb for my flight home. Wah! I wish I could have stayed longer. I could have found a whole bunch of trouble to get into.

Still pluggin away on the protein, water, exercise thing. It's slow going but at least the scale is still moving in the right direction. Very    s  l  o  w  l  y.  I need to step it up and really concentrate on doing the right things for me. It's so easy to do the wrong things.  

Ciao for now...

309 Before

240 About 3.5 Months after Surgery Date

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