Today a year ago, I lost my band.  It still hits me and I still cry.  People around me don't understand.  I don't think anyone could unless they've lost their tool.  It kills me.  I think sometimes that I have two stories to tell.  My band gave me my life back, and it almost took it away.  I think I have some trauma related to the removal.  I have transfer addiction issues - I now smoke cigarettes.  The fucking addictive personalities.  The good thing, I weigh 225.  A year ago today, I weighed 238.  Don't get me wrong, I don't do it alone.  I take Phentermine and Topamax.  I don't see myself losing though.  I maintain.  I won't be successful without the VSG.  My insurance HAS to change or I won't ever have it. 

Well - I'm on today for therapy.  I'm on today to express to anyone that reads this to say I'm still here - still working my weight loss and still in pain.

Well...it has been one month since my band removal and next Tuesday it will be one year since I will have had my band surgery.  What a trip!

I went for a follow up appointment with the Nurse Practitioner with Kaiser to check in and see how all was going after surgery.  Physically, I'm fine.  Emotionally, I'm not.  I am still very sad.  I am still very scared.  I am hungry.  I am pissed.  I miss my band.  I have not gained any weight however in a month without my band.  This is something I feel good about...but without a tool, I am not sure I can do it.  No, I'm NOT being negative.  I am being REALISTIC.  I have about 40 lbs. left to lose.  With this demon I call hunger, I don't know how I'll ever lose it and keep it off. 

She went over my surgery with me and the things leading up to.  She reviewed the pictures of my stomach during surgery.  I hadn't seen them.  Very shocking.  She also said she was surprised that my doc wasn't making me wait a year for a revision there was so much damage.  BUT she also said the erosion was in a good position for a sleeve to be successful.  The bad news....my sleeve will NOT be covered through my current plan.  Ok fine.  I will find a way to pay for it or have it financed in December.  End of story.

In the meantime, I told her "I need some reprieve.  I haven't felt hunger in a year and I don't want to.  I have 40ish lbs. to lose and I'm going to lose them.  I am in a weight management program through you all and I expect to have some help.  This is what you do.  My lap band loved me and worked for me for 11 months then decided it didn't like me anymore.  Now what do you have for me today, because I want something, and I want it now.  I am NOT gaining a pound.  I am going to continue to lose.  Understood?"  I was serious about this.  And I am!

She presented me some options.  She started with Optifast....uh....HELL NO.  960 calories of liquid a day.  I'm not pre-op here.  I know how to eat I JUST DON'T WANT TO FEEL THE FEELING LIKE I AM STARVING for the rest of my life.  So I told her that I have learned how to eat with my lap band.  I loved my eating regimen along with my exercising.  I was VERY successful.  I turned to her and said.  Tell me about Meridia.  (Appetite suppressant)  She said "you have done your homework!"  I said YES!  My month has been HELL.  I want to continue my journey and ENJOY it. 

So we talked about it.  I take a "class" with the prescribing doctor next Friday morning.  Learn about the med and get a prescription for a low dose.  Blood pressure is monitored monthly and dosage is adjusted as needed.  I asked her how long people are on this medication.  She said some people are on it for years.  They get to goal and then go to a maintenance dosage. 

I am encouraged. 

My bandiversary = August 25th.  Mixed emotions.  I was so successful with that band.  I still wake up and want the thing back.  I'm on a new journey now, I realize that.  I just want to enjoy the journey, and a month later I haven't gone one day without a tear.  This has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through.  Hunger and food are my demons and I am an addict.  Damn, I just realized it when they took my tool away.  Facing these facts have been the hardest of my life. 

Thanks friends.  Until next time......

Well, as some of you know, I have struggled with port pain since I had my band put in August of 2008.  See below.  I originally had surgery planned for July 7th. I started to run a high fever (102.6) before surgery and got postponed until July 13th.  Well, I went in for surgery this Monday.  He saw my port site and decided that when I went under, he was going to do an Endoscopy (Upper GI) and check my band.  It had eroded in 4 spots and I had to have my band removed.  Luckily, the erosions hadn't protruded into the stomach, but it was very close.  I was lucky and it had been caught in time.  I have infection however; including Staph.  I came home yesterday after 4 days in the hospital with drains due to massive infection. 

Now, I am on a ton of antibiotics and can possibly have a sleeve done in 6-8 months.  My stomach has to heal and the infection needs to clear up.  Now it is a true test of using my tools...I have lost 130 plus lbs. in 11 months, and I have to keep going.  35 lbs. to go....

The cause is unknown.  I don't think it matters to me.  I will never regret one moment.  I don't tell anyone my story to discourage you.  I don't regret ONE MINUTE with my band or my port :-).  I lost a substantial amount of weight, and it was a GREAT tool that taught me the right eating habits and the way to take back my life.  I would do it again in a heartbeat.  I have seen so many WLS battles on here lately, and I won't EVER be one to bad mouth the band.  My band gave me my life back, even though I owned one for only 11 months.  My test is here an now.  Thanks FRIENDS!

Until next time.....