Stay Calm and Carry On....

Oct 16, 2012

That's a saying from England.  From the war.  I guess it was televised and posted everywhere when Lee was growing up.  Now it's just like a saying from here... like... "Sometimes you feel like a nut... sometimes you don't"

I had my appointment with Dr. Pohl on 10/11/12.  I weighed in exactly at my 50lb goal weight mark.  I was worried about that but it's ok.. we are moving forward.  He answered my questions and in hindsight I probably should have asked more but I've done a lot of research and I'm ready.  Lee came with me.  I think I'm going to have to send him some information on what my life is going to be like after this surgery.  He was sitting right there with me when the doctor told me he wants me to stay on the shake diet with a small meal at night and on the weekends Lee is asking me if I want to go out for breakfast.  I have to constantly remind him that I can't eat like I used to.  I mean... at some point, yes, I'll be able to go out for breakfast but It won't be until the spring probably and right now I should be focusing on losing as much as I can so my liver isn't fatty when he operates.

I met this awesome girl online.  Her name is Noel.  She had the sleeve done two years ago and has lost 212 lbs.  She looks amazing. She told me that I'll be losing weight so fast that my mind won't be able to keep up with my body and will definitely need counseling.  I reassured her that I work at a therapy office and get all the therapy I need.  So... this is it!

After all I've been through.  A young girl molested.  Taken advantage of.  Parents worked all the time... never knew what was happening. I didn't know it was wrong.  By the time I learned it was he was gone.  Moved away.  Still deleveloped all these bad eating habits.  Self esteem tanked.  High School sucked.  Then after high school... ugghhhhhh!  I can't think of a time I ever really liked myself except when I started talking to people online. David... real but not real.  Steve... a great friend and confidant.  Kees... will always hold a special place in my heart and I will never forget him.  And then came Lee.  I don't know what it was about Lee but he was always more real than anyone else.  It wasn't because we talked on the phone, cuz I talked to Steve and David...AND Kees!  But Lee... was different.  I don't know why but he was.  

Now it's 13 years later.  I'm married, a homeowner... we have 2 kitties.  He loves me like I've never been loved by anyone in the world.  He taught me what love is. I weighed 300lbs when I met him.  At my heaviest I was probably 550.  He never ever once said anything to me about my weight.  It's like he doesn't see it.  

He's happy that I'm having this surgery.  Mainly I think he's looking forward to doing more things together because  we've been pretty much confined to the inside of my house.  I have issues with being seen the way I am as well as mobility issues and I know when I lose weight I'll have more self confidence and more energery and more mobility.  I'm an energetic person by nature.  In my head I want to do all these things and jump and dance and move but my body stops me.  I honestly believe that will all change once I lose weight.  He just has to learn how to undo the automatic eating pattern. We learned it.... we can unlearn it.

I'm closing for now.  Except I'll end with this.  Today I weighed 477.  55lbs lost from the first day I walked into Dr. Phols office in Oct of 2010.  

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