Dr. Pohl's office called me today and told me I have dates scheduled!!

My pre-surgical testing date is Nov 27th and my surgery date is Dec 11th.

Wow!  It's finally here.  I can't hardly believe it.  It's been such a long road.  After I got off the phone I know it was all in my head but I was so hungry!!!  I had two hot chocolates and a healthy choice lunch meal.  After a couple of hours I caved and had some cucumbers and tomatoes with italian dressing.  Then I had another hot chocolate.  When I say hot chocolate I mean the high protein low carb chocolates I got from Dr. Pohl's office.  They are really really good.  Especially this time of year.  It's pretty cold in the house and a nice tasty hot chocolate really does the trick.  Tasty.  Yum.

So I have a month...and I'm going to really try and stay on track as much as I can. I think I can lose another 20lbs.  I've lost a total of 60 since I saw him the first time in 2010.  It's literally been 2 years.  I'm going to call Dr. Diane's office tomorrow and let her know when my date is. 

Just wanted to jot this down.  I also did another review for Dr. Pohl.  I love him.  He's the best. I thank God for showing my way to him. I swear the universe is in line.  It's my time.... my time to shine.  This time next year 200lbs will be gone. I'll be under 300lbs.  Or more.  The more you weigh... the faster you lose. I want to get down to like 200 or 180.  I'll be happy with that.

That's a saying from England.  From the war.  I guess it was televised and posted everywhere when Lee was growing up.  Now it's just like a saying from here... like... "Sometimes you feel like a nut... sometimes you don't"

I had my appointment with Dr. Pohl on 10/11/12.  I weighed in exactly at my 50lb goal weight mark.  I was worried about that but it's ok.. we are moving forward.  He answered my questions and in hindsight I probably should have asked more but I've done a lot of research and I'm ready.  Lee came with me.  I think I'm going to have to send him some information on what my life is going to be like after this surgery.  He was sitting right there with me when the doctor told me he wants me to stay on the shake diet with a small meal at night and on the weekends Lee is asking me if I want to go out for breakfast.  I have to constantly remind him that I can't eat like I used to.  I mean... at some point, yes, I'll be able to go out for breakfast but It won't be until the spring probably and right now I should be focusing on losing as much as I can so my liver isn't fatty when he operates.

I met this awesome girl online.  Her name is Noel.  She had the sleeve done two years ago and has lost 212 lbs.  She looks amazing. She told me that I'll be losing weight so fast that my mind won't be able to keep up with my body and will definitely need counseling.  I reassured her that I work at a therapy office and get all the therapy I need.  So... this is it!

After all I've been through.  A young girl molested.  Taken advantage of.  Parents worked all the time... never knew what was happening. I didn't know it was wrong.  By the time I learned it was he was gone.  Moved away.  Still deleveloped all these bad eating habits.  Self esteem tanked.  High School sucked.  Then after high school... ugghhhhhh!  I can't think of a time I ever really liked myself except when I started talking to people online. David... real but not real.  Steve... a great friend and confidant.  Kees... will always hold a special place in my heart and I will never forget him.  And then came Lee.  I don't know what it was about Lee but he was always more real than anyone else.  It wasn't because we talked on the phone, cuz I talked to Steve and David...AND Kees!  But Lee... was different.  I don't know why but he was.  

Now it's 13 years later.  I'm married, a homeowner... we have 2 kitties.  He loves me like I've never been loved by anyone in the world.  He taught me what love is. I weighed 300lbs when I met him.  At my heaviest I was probably 550.  He never ever once said anything to me about my weight.  It's like he doesn't see it.  

He's happy that I'm having this surgery.  Mainly I think he's looking forward to doing more things together because  we've been pretty much confined to the inside of my house.  I have issues with being seen the way I am as well as mobility issues and I know when I lose weight I'll have more self confidence and more energery and more mobility.  I'm an energetic person by nature.  In my head I want to do all these things and jump and dance and move but my body stops me.  I honestly believe that will all change once I lose weight.  He just has to learn how to undo the automatic eating pattern. We learned it.... we can unlearn it.

I'm closing for now.  Except I'll end with this.  Today I weighed 477.  55lbs lost from the first day I walked into Dr. Phols office in Oct of 2010.  

I forgot to mention an update on Courtney.
I mentioned that boy she'd been dating... Turns out he really actually has been abusing her.  He tried killing her a few weeks ago. Long story short... there are Felony DV charges against him and a NCO.  She is doing okay now but it was a bad first couple of weeks.  She started therapy with Missy in my office. She's closing off the circle of his friends. She's actually dating this really nice guy who she's been friends with for a while now.  He'll be a nice distraction for her.  Ian is/was an addiction... she needs to stay away from him and everyone and everything that has anything to do with him.

I guess that's it for now. 

Well... I went to get some more shakes from Dr. Pohl's office a couple of weeks ago.  I weighed in at 490 even.  I guess that must have been close enough because after locating my chart they sent all my test results to the insurance company.  They called and told me that it might take a while but that once I got an approval that I'd be surprised on how fast things moved on from here. 

Well... I got my approval!  I have an appt on 10/11 with Dr. Pohl.  I guess he'll go over everything with me again and answer any questions I have.  And he will give me my surgery date.  Wow... I actually doing this.  

I'm not afraid of the surgery.  I'm more afraid of my life after surgery.  How am I going to take care of Lee.  How is that going to work?  I'm going to be living on liquids for a month... and I'm expected to cook for him and serve him like I've done the entire time we've been married?  How am I going to do that?

What about my legs?  Will they stay big while the rest of me gets small?  I'm not afraid of any complications. It's weird but true. I'm healthy!  I don't have any medical issues except the sleep apnea which will go away once I lose weight.  

I'm over analyzing.  I'm anxious.  I know I'm going to be okay... I just need to get this over with.  Everything else will fall into place.

So much of my life now revolves around food!!!  Even my sister is talking about doing a Thanksgiving dinner as my last meal before surgery.  Lee and I eat out so much and all of that is going to change.  He has a huge appetite. We'll go out to eat have have a huge meal at 3pm and by 7 he's hungry again.  I don't get it.  I'm still stuffed and he wants to eat again. 

Things are just going to have to change.  I'm okay with that... if it was just me.  I wonder if it's going to be okay with him though.  He drinks so he HAS to eat.  Ugghhh.... I just have to stop stressing about it and let nature works it's way out.... as it always does.... and always will.