ObesityHelp

my worst fear in having this operation is that I would become miserable, unhappy, mean, hurtful and an overall bear. I have become all of the above. I cannot blame it on nutrition or the lack thereof. I cannot blame it on circumstances. I cannot blame it on anything other than myself. My position in Christ should prevent me from being what I have become...and it is not. I am out of balance and I am frustrated. I don't like what I am becoming. I don't like the feeling that I dying. I don't like the weakness. I guess that I feel if I act a certian way...others will think I am strong. I am weak. Very weak. I feel as gloomy as the weather.

 

I have never been abusive...but last night I was sleeping and my little shih tzu jumped on the bed and landed on my very sore right leg. Out of anger I spanked her...and hard. I did not mean to abuse her. I was just awakened out of my sleep by a dog jumping on my sore leg. It really hurt. My wife saw me and laid me out with very unkind words....rightfully so. They really wounded me worse than the dog. Then, I got to thinking of what she said...and I began to hurt myself further. I am one of the most loving people ever. But why am I becoming Dr.Jeckell and Mr. Hyde?

 

Some say it is a spiritual problem and that I have unconfessed sin in my life. Some say it is a medical issue...from a lack of nutrition. Some say it is a mental aspect of the WLS. I don't know...and I am only concerned of the fact that I am having trouble controlling it. I am very angry.

 

One of the Doctors in the ER Wed PM asked if I was taking Hormone pills because of my mood swings. I told him no...why? It totally slipped my mind that it is a common side effect of WLS. I don't like it. I am not blaming it on sin, Sugery or Nutrition. I am blaming myself for not overcoming my impulses.

 

ARGHHH!!!

Please Draw it for me

How do I be assertive and plead my own case without coming across as defeated or out of line?

I need the surgery. I am stuck. I am frustrated with myself...but yet pleased with myself.

I am proud of the fact that I can lose 40 plus lbs in a year...and keep it off. I am happy that I have been successful in changing my eating habits and have changed my lifestyle. Even if I cannot lose the remaining lbs that are "required" I can say that I am successful. However, the thought that I have not met a goal is troubling. No, success is not measured by a weight. But when those doctors give you a weight, you kinda aim for it. I don't like failure. I don't like leaving things undone. Setting unrealistic goals, I have learned why I set them and I have been able to exchange those goals with necessary and appropriate ones. I have come a long way! (sorry to those trying to not think about smoking)

I am not discouraged, I am kinda disappointed, but then again...I am thrilled. Ya know, everyone's body is different. For me, other diets have failed. I have been unsuccessful in keeping weight off. I remember filling out the little packet of info when I first started. They asked me if I have tried dieting. I told them I had tried and that i was unable to keep the weight off, and sometimes unable to lose much weight. In this WHOLE process...if I only lost 5 lbs, it was worth it. However, looking back at other "diets" I can honestly say....I was successful. Each of those diets led me to drop bad habits little by little. Thank God I have never smoked, drank alcohol, chewed tobacco, and I don't have to struggle with those addictions as I also try to lose the weight in preparation of the surgery. If anything, my current struggle to lose the weight is nothing more than proof that I NEED this operation to continue living a healthy life. A busted down car doesn't last long on 3 out of 8 cyl know what I mean vern?

I was addicted to caffeine and especially Dr. Pepper and Mt. Dew. Boy I tell ya...NOBODY had the bedside manner that Dr. Pepper had. He even made it to birthday parties (hahaha)

Anywho, getting serious again, I have been able to identify my triggers. My emotions, thoughts, memories, stress indicators, etc. I have been able to cope with being molested as a boy and not turn to food for comfort. That in itself is worth it all.

Dr. Singh, Schedule me for surgery. I am not asking you, I am strongly recommending myself to you for approval.

here is my last month's diary. It will show my consistency in eating right and exercising. You will see that I have done everything that I could possibly do in the past year to get ready for this. I am determined to make this work. I am as prepared as can be. 3 weeks would be fine with me.

Since Jamie gave me an idea, I think I will do my best to give a weekly "session" on things that I think about regarding this change of lifestyle.

Today, I want to start off by talking about comparing ourselves.

It is EASY to do. Especially since we have been doing it to ourselves most of our life. It started off as kids when we compared and competed for our parents/grandparents/teachers attention through coloring or drawing pictures. Then it escalated by who we pick on our team at the playground. Then it escalated to popularity during middle and high school as we compared ourselves to either the geeks (for morale) or against the Jocks and cheerleaders (for humiliation). As we got older, it continued. Maybe we had to act a certain way so we would make friends or to date so and so. Whether we want to admit it or not, we all DO compare...and we all harm ourselves regardless of size.

Even at our support meetings we sometimes compare our situation to another's and ask ourselves "why am I not having that success. I must be doing something wrong..."

There are dangers in this. Terrible mental, social, emotional and SPIRITUAL damage to this very topic.


I recently gave a message at "my" church. Actually it was a series of messages on the topic of comparing.  If you are not a Christian, bear with me and still give me the benefit of the doubt that these things are practical and useful for us all.

One of the first things that come from comparing ourselves to others is PRIDE.
Pride is a dangerous thing. According to the Bible, a proud look is one of the 7 sins God hates. They actually are called ABOMINATIONS. Abominations means to "double hate" if you would.

when we compare ourselves to others, it is very likely that our first reaction is pride. Maybe it is that you are "better looking" by today's standards. Or maybe you were able to overcome your difficulties and lost weight faster than others. The honest truth is, whether it effects us Positively or negatively, pride is still dangerous. Pride causes us to forget what we ARE or WERE and puts us in a place of "superiority complex"...the very thing that the "skinnies" did to us before our change.

The second thing that I see that is comes from comparing is the dangerous development of insecurities. This is the opposite side of the swinging pendulum. Like me, you may not get "proud" and "condescending" or arrogant, but instead, you allow feelings of insecurities to take root in us. "What if I can't make it?" "can I be as successful as the next person?" "I wish I could look like so and so..." These thoughts hurt us. We end up hurting ourselves more than others with their sharp comments. Many times, we joke about or degrade ourselves first so they can't beat us to the punch (no...not the tasty forbidden beverage) This causes us to turn somewhere for comfort, and sadly, our comfort is loaded with calories. It makes sense though, I mean, eating builds endorphines. Sex addiction, fitness addiction, and food addictions come from people over compensating their feelings....insecurities rather, at something they are good at. Oh, I forgot one more thing that produces endorphines, laughter. The person that is constantly making jokes and having to be the "class clown"....mark it down, they are hiding a different kind of insecurity.

The third thing that comes from comparing....well...I shouldn't say the third thing...because for all I know...it could be 8th....or 9th....maybe it is first I don't know....

GIMME A BREAK FOLKS...I just got done talking about me...the class clown thing......


seriously though, the next thing that comes from comparing is jealousy. Interestingly enough, I believe Jealousy is the direct result of pride and insecurities (low self esteem).  Jealousy is wanting what...lets say....what....bridgit has worked for, and wanting it for ourself and not realizing that I may never attain what she has worked for. Body shapes, genetics, etc hinder what I may or may not look like or what I may lose or not lose.  Methods and attitude yes! Outcome? NO.

The last thing I will talk about is loss of relationships. I could go on and on and on...I mean I am a baptist preacher......

when we compare ourselves to others, we become unsatisfied with what we have or even WHO we have. It causes a person to "gaze at the grass on the other side of the fence". someone once said "The grass is always greener over the septic tank."  How many marriages end up in divorce because one or both of the couple look at what they DON'T have and not at what they do.

Today, how many times did we find ourselves comparing?



Not all comparing is bad. Don't get me wrong. Sometimes we have to compare.

Personally, I caught myself comparing at wal-mart. For instance, ground turkey has less fat and calories than ground beef




Seriously though, Tomorrow, let's make it a point to count how many times we catch ourselves comparing us to them......(this should be fun to do seeing tomorrow is Sunday and with church and all hehehe)

then report back here and lets compare......





Just kidding!!





But keep a mental note of how often we compare ourselves with ourselves.

I like how the Bible says it....


2 Corinthians 10:12
¶ For we dare not make ourselves of the number, or compare ourselves with some that commend themselves: but they measuring themselves by themselves, and comparing themselves among themselves, are not wise.