my worst fear in having this operation is that I would become miserable, unhappy, mean, hurtful and an overall bear. I have become all of the above. I cannot blame it on nutrition or the lack thereof. I cannot blame it on circumstances. I cannot blame it on anything other than myself. My position in Christ should prevent me from being what I have become...and it is not. I am out of balance and I am frustrated. I don't like what I am becoming. I don't like the feeling that I dying. I don't like the weakness. I guess that I feel if I act a certian way...others will think I am strong. I am weak. Very weak. I feel as gloomy as the weather.

I have never been abusive...but last night I was sleeping and my little shih tzu jumped on the bed and landed on my very sore right leg. Out of anger I spanked her...and hard. I did not mean to abuse her. I was just awakened out of my sleep by a dog jumping on my sore leg. It really hurt. My wife saw me and laid me out with very unkind words....rightfully so. They really wounded me worse than the dog. Then, I got to thinking of what she said...and I began to hurt myself further. I am one of the most loving people ever. But why am I becoming Dr.Jeckell and Mr. Hyde?

Some say it is a spiritual problem and that I have unconfessed sin in my life. Some say it is a medical issue...from a lack of nutrition. Some say it is a mental aspect of the WLS. I don't know...and I am only concerned of the fact that I am having trouble controlling it. I am very angry.

One of the Doctors in the ER Wed PM asked if I was taking Hormone pills because of my mood swings. I told him no...why? It totally slipped my mind that it is a common side effect of WLS. I don't like it. I am not blaming it on sin, Sugery or Nutrition. I am blaming myself for not overcoming my impulses.

ARGHHH!!!