Nothing new with me surgery wise, but oh what a week I have had at work!  I have been so stressed out and angry and hurt and today I actually thought . . . I am not taken seriously because of my weight.  I thought, "no you are just being paranoid", but the more I think about it, we are discriminated against because of our weight.  Fat is the only illness that it is still okay to make fun of, the most misunderstood illness out there!  Yesterday I thought about how excited I am getting and how anxious I am to get the surgery and then it really hit me, what if I'm not approved and I end up not getting the surgery?  I would be devistated!  I have been turned down before and it was very upsetting, but I wasn't as focused and sure of myself and my decision as I am now.  I guess I will just have to quite worrying and stay positive, this is going to happen!!  (even if I end up paying the whole thing out of pocket)!  It's good to vent!!

I started my 4 days worth of journaling my food intake for the dietician, I have been so trained in journaling and calorie counting that I think I actually ate less yesterday because I was writing down - too bad this doesn't work for me long term!   I can't wait until July 18th, hopefully that is when the ball will really get rolling!  I feel kind of like my life is on hold until I get this surgery over, so I hope it isn't a long drawn out process.  I was so tired last night after not sleeping much the night before and I went to bed real early, only to wake up at 4:30am!  Hopefully I can make it through the day without dozing off!

I went to the informational class yesterday, I learned alot and left feeling really good about the surgery!  I have my consulation on July 18th and I also meet with the dietician on that day.  Now I just pray that everything will go okay with my insurance and that there are no delays - I want it done, yesterday!  I also told my supervisor who was extremely supportive and said that I should take whatever time necessary and not to worry while I'm out - I'm very lucky in this aspect.  I didn't sleep much last night, I was excited and tired and just tossed and turned all night, so I hope to sleep well tonight. 

One more day until I go to my class - I am excited and nervous, I realize it's only a class, but it is a step in the right direction!  Also it will be nice to have an answer to some of my many, many questions.  I've been reading more and more on this site and am so thankful to have this great source of information!  I have been so worried about insurance that I haven't even thought about medical clearance until yesterday when I was reading someone else's blog.  I haven't had any real health issues, I have had depression but am no longer taking medication, I ache on a daily basis (knees, joints), I have had acid reflux, I have arthritis in my feet, but I have not gone to a doctor with any of these problems - hopefully this will not prevent me from getting the surgery.  It's so hard for me to understand why an insurance company would want you to have an illness before getting the surgery, when in my opinion prevention would be the best most cost effective option.

I am concerned about insurance more and more each day!  My insurance does not have as strict of guidelines as my last insurance that turned me down, however they only pay for 50% if you are approved.  I have figured the cost to be around $20,000, so $10,000 of that will come out of my pocket.  I don't mind about the money (I would rather them pay the whole thing), but if the Dr. and hospital will work with me that would be great.  But then I think, what if they don't? where will I come up with the money?  I really feel that this is something I have to do!!  I just keeping thinking about how next year things can be different for me, I will be able to do more and feel better!  I want to be able to go places and not worry about what others think, be active and not worry that I'm not going to be able to breath.  I feel like my weight holds me back in so many things, in my career and social life - everywhere really!  I guess like I keep telling myself, I need to calm down and let the process happen ( easier said than done!)