It's been a while since I've posted anything here. The reason? I gave up. I couldn't get a grip on my weight loss that the surgeon requires of me and I couldn't seem to pass the psychologist's evaluation. After trying for four years I threw in the towel and just gave up. It was a pretty dark time for me.

Then, suddenly, the weight started to drop. Not much, but it dropped. It was enough to build on so I went back to the used book store and repurchased the books I'd sold weeks before. Books on eating, exercise, and, of course, weight loss surgery. I started reading them again. I also returned to support group where I realized my biggest fear is failing. I'm terrified that I won't be able to lose my excess weight and that whatever I do manage to lose will just be put back on. This is the reality of my past. I want so much to change that reality so I'm working on improving my attitude and setting goals. I'm learning how to take care of myself and teaching myself how to believe that tomorrow, that even today, will be different. The most important lesson I've brought with me to the present day is that by giving up, I failed. I had already realized my biggest fear!

Last week I learned that the psychologist had finally approved me for surgery. My surgeon will review my chart then the letter will go to medicare for approval. I'm told that the turn around time is approximately 3 weeks once the letter is actually sent. How will I ever stand the suspense??

To date I've lost right at 50 lbs and am below 300 lbs for the first time in three years. My surgeon wanted me below 300 lbs before he would even consider scheduling my surgery. Now I've met that requirement and am working to keep going. On March 1st, I'm scheduled to begin working out at my hospital's medical fitness program. Next to my fear of failing, my refusal to become more active is my biggest obstacle to overcome. I've set my sights on overcoming it!

In July I'm scheduled to attend a convention in San Diego and meet a friend I haven't seen since 1976. I want to be able to walk distances, visit with my friend and see the town, not remain confined to the hotel. This is giving me focus for the short term. Those in my support group who've had the surgery give me other things to focus on. Things like maybe being able to throw away my diabetes and hypertension medicines, being able to buy cute outfits off the rack and maybe even throw away my cane. And perhaps the best thing to focus on is being able to go out in public and hold my head up, not stare at the ground in shame. It seems I'm always learning some new thing to focus on.

So here I go again, putting one foot in front of the other and keeping my eyes on the prizes awaiting me. Wish me luck!

I spoke with the patient advocate for Foothills Weight Loss yesterday to schedule a day and time when I could go have my stomach tested for bacteria. During the conversation she casually asked me how my weight loss was going. I told her, with much pride, that I was down to 313 lbs that very morning. There was a small pregnant pause before she told me I was doing well. AFter we hung up I went to check my binder containing my check list and information on the WLS journey. There in bold print was my last weight taken in February: 313 lbs! I was so disappointed at first but then I got to thinking to myself. I said, "Self, you had a pretty big change in your diabetes medication and had to start taking pills instead of Byetta shots. Those pills drove you to eat voraciously which caused your weight to climb. You are your own best advocate! Appeal the insurance company's denial! So that's where I'm at at the moment. At last contact they had yet to rule on my appeal. But in the meanwhile my primary has dispensed samples to me to use until a decision is made. Things at a crawl just now but I've a feeling those things are going to open up into a sprint before long.

To meet the pre-surgical weight loss requirements I've been on the South Beach Diet since June 1st and managed to lose 16.5 lbs in the time since. Well, that was until tonight when I weighed in and discovered that I'd gained a single pound in the past week. In the past that would have sent me into histrionics that only ended with the consumption of two or three BAGS of chocolate. Not so now! While I am disappointed in myself for my transgressions that led to this pound gain I'm much more interestd in learning what I can to prevent it from happening again.

First, do not allow anyone to feed you! I was doing really well until the church potluck this past Sunday. Based on previous potlucks I assumed that someone would furnish ham and a selection of veggies thus making it safe for me to partake. Not this time! There wasn't a single low carb dish on the table. Well, except for the ever present green beans. So did I politely decline? Nope. I took a small (and I emphasize small) serving of several different things and washed it all down with water, then patted myself on the back for doing so well. Mistake number one.

Second, do not sit passively by when someone suggests going out to eat at a (fill in the blank) restaurant! One of my aunts called and said she wanted to treat me to a belated birthday meal at her favorite Chinese eaterie. A buffet even! Now, I knew that, with the possible exception of terriyaki chicken (aka "rat on a stick"), there would be no "safe" foods there but did I speak up? Nope. I went along and ate what I thought would be dishes that weren't too bad for me. The meat wasn't breaded and there were lots of veggies so they should be safe, right? I conveniently forgot about all the sodium and MSG they load it down with, and who knows what is in the sauces. This mistake caused me to bloat up like the proverbial balloon and to feel physically as if I'd been hit by a speeding bus.

But, despite these things I did manage to do something right. I got right back on the wagon on subsequent meals and did NOT partake of any chocolate or other no-no foods. I was also painfully honest with myself and accepted responsibility for the feeding of my face and for not being more proactive in my own care. As I've heard Richard Simmons say many times, I hold the fork and possess the true power. Not the food. I think I'm finally understanding that.