I realize I need to talk to someone, my nurse navigator, about where I stand in this maddening process. I'm almost finished with the clearances, and I really want a date, like most of us. I'm on temporary disability, and have to move out of my townhouse by June 1, and it's a really stressful time for me. I just found out that I missed my last appointment with Dr. Neff.  How did I mix up that date? I have so many doctor appointments it's difficult to stay on top of them, especially being in pain. So, now I see him April 4,
Tomorrow I go to the class at the Stratford hospital for the presurgery course. They are taking me on a tour of the facilities, and I guess giving me instructions about everything. I also see my gastroenterologist in the morning, and I pray he approves the surgery with no more endoscopies. On March 14, I see the nutritionist at 9:00am, then my endocrinologist I believe at 3:00. The pulmonologist ordered a new CPAP machine for me, so I expect to be getting that very soon.
I hope this whole process is worth the trouble. I have not been sleeping well, and the pain is the reason. I am so tired of it all. One day last week I wished for death because of all of the back and foot pain. Not for long, though. I really just want relief.
Seems like whenever I call anyone, I have to leave a message, except Comcast, or a bill collector! I just found out that I have to go to eviction court tomorrow morning or be really put out of my home. The TRA person we have been dealing with never told us that. So yet again, I must reschedule a clearance with the gastro doctor. This will be the third time!

My landlord's leasing agent is making it extremely difficult for us in this problem with the rent. She knows and has had the paperwork for the emergency housing, but still called to tell us that we could be put out in 2 weeks. Meanwhile, I have limited income since I'm on disability, and don't know when I will get more yet. Today I have to go to the neurologist to fill out more papers for the disability insurance company. This is a maddening situation. All of it is because of my physical pain, my job's lack of support, and my daughter's inability to work because of her own mental disability.

But...I trust in the Lord. He has not brought us this far to drop us. The joy of the Lord is my only strength, and in Him will I trust. I am waiting. Somehow it will all work out. I continue to believe in the power of His might, and in the love He has for me, knowing my struggles over my entire life. I have no one to depend on but God, since my family will not or can not help me. I am amazed at how many times God has rescued me, when an opportunity for a little help from my family would have done the job. We surely can't pick our parents, but I pray for them that one day they will humble themselves and understand all the things that they did.

Since being on disability, I am finding so many issues I have been ignoring coming to the surface. One of them is healing from the extreme selfishness of my parents, and talking to my only brother who is living with my mom. He is under a lot of stress, and shares with me some of the crap she puts him through. It is really unreal. But I thank God I can be here for him, in spite of it all.

Then, my daughter wants to move to her own place when our lease is over, May 31. She has bipolar disorder, but has improved so wonderfully in her therapy and meds, and I think she's ready. Problem is when I will have the surgery, because I'll need her help for a while. Also, I will have to move to my own place, and I never lived alone. She is 29 and has always been with me. And there is her son, the love of my life, 8 years old, who wants to move and be with her, alone. We all get along, and I only see good things happening from the move. But she isn't working, and the govt is the only way she can do this. I am concerned about her getting a job, and dealing with life differently, but because of my situation, it seems time for her to become more independent.

I have worked most of my life and now am temporarily disabled enough to realize its pros and cons. Currently I am a college professor, and am burnt out from teaching. I really need this time off for every reason, and I am so grateful. I realize I can't keep giving on empty...somewhere along the line I lost balance in my life, and I am so trying to gain some now. I am divorced, single, and solitary because of the neuropathy. But I have a few close friends, and we share our ups and downs. I miss the sweetness of living a fully active life, though. I want to go places and enjoy them. Financial distress has plagued me since I can remember, being a single parent and then grandparent. But if things go well, my daughter will succeed, and eventually find a decent job, and live her own life.  I also believe she will make better choices in husbands from now on, after this one. He really abandoned her and his son, and it's really sad.

So I need to set up radiology appointments now. Go to the sleep study again. And the psychiatrist is next week. I do pray every day that this process will not take too long. I am tired of being out of control with this diabetes and weight and swelling. I really do desire a new life filled with beauty and movement for a change. So many things have changed in my life, and I have really learned to let go and let God. In spite of everything, He is still close, listening to and answering my prayers.

Today my blood glucose upon waking was 135!  Who hooooo! I am seeing a difference finally, and it is better for my pain. In the past my readings were 350 and up, and it seemed nothing would change them. So the insulin pump definitely has its advantages. But just like most things, there are side effects. FAT in abundance! I didn't need any more of that!

I had to ask myself, what if I don't get the surgery, and must live like this the rest of my life? Although the idea is depressing, I think if I had to adjust, I would. Live as best I can. Probably get a motorized wheelchair, which was the next item on my prescription agenda. Live small. Things happen for a reason, right? So I got the serious diabetes, and the ensuing weight gain, always had hormonal issues, and aging went to my feel and back. At least I do have feet! Eat as I have learned with the diabetes, moderately, and swim for exercise when I can.  Smile more, and live on disability. I can do other things, like write, teach online, and develop hidden talents I never had time to. Like sewing! There is always hope, as long as we have breath.

I have learned that no matter how hard someone or something hits me with the lemons of life, I can still make some dynamite lemonade. I am so thankful for all the blessings I have been given. Some people wonder what their purpose in life is. But not me...not anymore. It is to praise God with my entire life. If I put Him first, He works everything out for my good. Even this morbid obesity. I have met some really caring and loving doctors and nurses and receptionists who take their professions seriously, and want so much to help everyone reach their best and healthiest self. Also, I have learned that many people are suffering from this crazed notion that food is comfort. Even slim people suffer from food anxiety. We really are all more similar than different, and we should encourage each other as much as we are able. So this is where I am today, blessed to be alive, and grateful for this journey.  BUT I STILL WANT THE SURGERY!!!!  LOL

This is a day I plan to be happy in all things.  Still on the weight loss treadmill, I have switched all of my doctors, and have better care than in the past. My goal is 145 lbs. and will work to get there. Life can be so much better than it has been, but I must make better choices.

I have a heart thickening on the left side, which has been an ongoing situation. I thought it was over, but the previsit with a cardiologist showed it's back.  So another stress test is what I'm waiting for, from him. I found out I have COPD from the previsit with a pulmonologist, and he's treating it with Advair and Flonase, as well as ordering me another sleep study and a new facial mask. He says I'm a "mouth breather", which I find kind of funny. Now I use an insulin pump and the dosage is U-500, the most concentrated form.  it has cause me to gain even more weight, to which my primary keeps telling me, "Insulin is a growth hormone."  So, I grow sideways, not upwards. Great, right?  Then, I am in chronic pain from either neuropathy or the herniated disc/sciatica fubar, and take oxycodone and ibuprofen at high doses. I really don't want to know more. Enough already.

Out on temporary disability, I feel weird not working after so many years. But I need the time off to revive and rest. I pray for a new beginning, possible early retirement, or something different after the surgery. And I must quit smoking, which is becoming a real problem. I hate it, but have been addicted so long, I can't seem to start. Getting patches today. No more procrastinating, or I know I won't have the surgery. Not this time.

I am up alone as my daughter and grandson are still sleeping.  Quiet time is blessed.  Of course, this is when I think about how much I want to get started on my journey.  I keep reminding myself that things take time, but I am sort of impatient about losing weight.

I miss relationships with men.  I haven't had a boyfriend since the early 1990s, for several reasons.  But the main one is the weight.  Sex became uncomfortable for me when my abdomen reached ridiculous proportions.  I think it's the pressure of the hiatal hernia, which i really hope Dr. Wasser will repair when he goes in for the kill. If I could be alive without a stomach, I would be ecstatic at this point.  I just hope that romance is going to be a part of the future for me.

So, it looks like I won't be able to have the surgery until December.  I pray to live until then. It has to be done between semesters, and I will be praying for a speedy recovery with no complications.  I wonder how it will really be for me.  I read so many forums and learn so much from successful people who have done it.  I can imagine drinking liquids for 6 weeks.  I have done it before.  I lost some weight, but of course, once I started eating solid food again, it came back with a vengeance.

Well, that's it for now.  Gotta do my taxes.

Well, I got my packet from Dr. Wasser's office.  I read it from front to back, and was very pleased with their program.  Then i read the page where my insurance requires a 6 month doctor supervised weight loss program before approving the surgery.  Haven't I tried enough? I mean over 50 years, 46 of them I was overweight, starting my first diet at 6 years old.  Why would they put me through this torture yet again? 

I am still excited about at least attempting to get the surgery.  Maybe because of my comorbities the doctor can write something to speed up the approval process.  I sure hope so.  I have been feeling bad for so long, I just want something to be done soon.  I took off work today because of extreme constipation.  I couldn't sleep at all, amd hot and sweaty and was thirsty.  It's disgusting.  I have been having so much trouble with my stomach swelling and not digesting food quickly enough.  Been to a gastroenterologist since last May, to see if everything is working properly.  I have a hiatal hernia which has caused the beginning of Barrett's esophagus, and he says I'm good.  He just wants to follow the condition, so I see him in a year. 

I need someone to talk to about all of this, and even though I see a therapist, she is thin, and doesn't really get it.  I have been reading so much about the surgery, and it is so interesting how the doctors can redirect your intestines to work properly.  At least I hope it makes a difference in mine.