ObesityHelp

Being the “Big Girl” has been my place in life for as long as I can remember.  As the eldest granddaughter on my mother’s side and somewhere in the middle on the other, I have always been the biggest of all my cousins.  My parents, who in my opinion are average in stature, always provided meals consisting of hearty, tasty choices.  My mother is a phenomenal cook!  I have always enjoyed meal times with family and social occassions where food is present.  Food is not only pleasing to the taste, but often to the eye.  I grew up loving all kinds of food, including very healthy foods like salads, vegetables, and low fat options. 

Being overweight has not, until this point, hindered me from enjoying friends, social events, and everyday activities.  I was a very active child.  My mother and Nana felt strongly about children playing outside and not sitting in front of a television for hours on end.  Roller skating, riding bicycles, and playing endless games of kick ball are all fond memories of activity I remember participating in as a child.  Developing friendships with peers was never a problem.  I can remember always having friends, really true, loyal friends who would “stick up” for me when I was teased about my weight.  Those friends will forever be embedded in my memories and I will never forget their kindness and compassion.    

Being overweight never overshadowed my happiness.  Until the past 2-3 years I was able to live a normal life.  I went away to college, joined a sorority, made life-long friends, engaged in relationships with guys, and obtained employment as a high school fashion marketing teacher.  I hear horror stories of people who are discriminated against because of their weight, and while I am sympathetic to them; I cannot relate.  I have never felt judged by my weight in circumstances like employment or education.  Throughout life I have been told I dress appropriately and trendy for my size.  At this point I am aware of what is not attractive for someone my size to wear.  I LOVE CLOTHES and have always been able to shop and purchase trendy, cute, and flattering clothes for my size! 

My life as an overweight, and now morbidly obese, female has not always been pleasant.  I have very vivid memories of teasing and taunting by childhood classmates, stares from people in restaurants, looks of sympathy when I did not fit into a seat at an amusement park, guilt for eating things I knew I should not, a deep sadness for not being able to wear clothes from certain stores my friends could shop in, not be able to go to the beach with friends in high school, and now at 29 the confidence and self-esteem to go out and meet new people. 

At 29, I have decided to take a journey towards a healthier life.  I have struggled with my weight my entire life and I do not want to live like I have been any longer.  Few diets have helped me in the past.  I remember between 7^th and 8^th grade losing roughly 25 lbs. with SlimFast, I was so excited when I stepped on the scale in the beginning of the school year and it said 161.  What 8^th grade girl is happy when the scale says 161?!? This one was, because at the end of 7^th grade when I was weighed, I was 186!!!!  I don’t recall another number on the scale until I was in the 10^th grade and was weighed, by a fellow classmate, for a new marching band uniform.  I weighed in at 214!!!  It was, and I think is, the most shame, embarrassment, and low I have ever felt.  I could not believe I weighed 214 lbs.  For 3-4 months I was strict with myself about losing weight…I watched what I ate, did a few exercises each night in my room, and lost a few lbs. (I don’t know how much, because we did not have a scale at home).  If I had to guess, I probably lost 30 lbs.  My clothes were loose, I felt good about myself and I thought I would stick to it, but I didn’t.  From the 15/16 I was wearing my sophomore/junior year in high school, I went up a size every other year through college and up to this point where I am a 24/26 depending on the store. You would think as much as I love clothes that I would have done something about my weight in college, when all my petite friends were shopping for trendy club clothes, and I was stuck looking through the racks at Lane Bryant.  I can remember at the end of a night of drinking crying in the bathroom at a bar/club or party about how I wished I was smaller and more attractive.  To this day, I am unsure whether my friends knew that or not, but I can remember more times than not crying myself to sleep in college because of my size.  How come I did not do something?  I don’t have an answer.  I really was happy during the day, with friends, at sorority functions, in class, around campus and even when it was time to go out at night.  It’s like I said before, being obese did not overshadow my happiness, but I was upset and ashamed of being SO big. 

After college, my Aunt Maureen encouraged me (two times mind you) to go to Weight Watchers with her, because she had lost roughly 70 lbs. sticking to the plan and going to the meetings.  I tried Weight Watchers 5 times over the course of 6 years.  Two times with my aunt, not totaling a whole lot, maybe 20 lbs….2 times with my now sister-in-law (I lost a good amount one time, about 50 lbs.) and one time with my slim friend Ingird, who I think was just going to keep me company and I did not lose anything…NOTHING!  For whatever reason I could not stick to it.  Also during this time I joined 3-4 gyms only to quit going 2-3 weeks into it.  Right now I have a membership to Fitness 19 and I am ashamed to say I have not been since February.  I keep the membership because I know after the surgery I WILL be motivated to go.  I want to do what I can to prevent myself from having to have further surgeries to fix the sagging skin. 

So here I am...a month pre-op and I am super excited AND extremely nervous about this journey.  My decision to have gastric bypass surgery has been met with some skepticism by a few of my loved ones.  It bothers me that they are not truly supportive, but my mother is, along with a few others, and I know I can get by with that.  In three weeks I will begin the full liquid diet.  I think I might be more nervous about that part.  For a WHOLE week I will be living on nothing but liquids!  Today I started taste testing the protein drinks we’re required to drink during that week and following surgery.  I know I will find something…but so far they have been horrible!