11-10-04 I am five-foot-one and 22 years old. My body mass index is approximately 64. Super morbidly obese. “Morbid,” like death. I have been fighting with the insurance company since January to get bariatric surgery. My doctor tells me I have to do something and fast, but I don’t know how. I’ve dieted, taken diet pills, the works. I have been battling with the insurance company for months. Not even a lawyer has been able to make them change their verdict. It stands firmly as a "No. We will not pay." Effectively, that's a, "No. We will let you die." My life feels like one long, dark tunnel. I am now feeling very alone and very bitter. My body has ceased to function as a female's body should, and I doubt if I'll ever have children thanks to this fat. How do you tell that to your husband?
Starting weight: 343 pounds. I'm looking for hope.
11/11/04 - I've applied for new insurance, which will hopefully take me. Then, I start my battle over again. I want to have my surgery at St. Vincent's in Carmel. It has great reviews. I'm so sick of fighting people for this, though. I don't want to be just another bitter, fat person, but I'm so angry that I (or ANY of us) should have to go through so much. (I feel better now...)
11/18/2004 - Well, the new insurance company I applied for turned me down. They said, "We must decline coverage due to the fact that your Build exceeds our guidelines..."
And yes, they capitalized Build. The jerks.
Sigh. So, now, I have to franagle a way out of my current insurance, so that I can get on my husband's, which is currently not on open enrollment.
Does this drama ever end?
12.01.04 - I've updated twice since my last entry, but they've both been erased, so we'll see if this one stays. My husband's work is still messing with paperwork to see if I can get on his insurance, so nothing new on that front...
Anyway... I'm down tonight, and I need to vent.
Why is it that everyone who isn't obese thinks it's just so easy to lose weight?... I mean, they can lose 20 pounds, why can't I lose 200+? Gee...
I'm so tired of feeling like no one has any idea how I feel.
I live my life in pursuit of the next chair - the next place to rest. It is paralyzing to go into a fast food restaurant w/all booths w/fixed tables. Chairs with arms have become a tool of the enemy.
Battling with insurance has really got me down. It makes me realize how little people really know or understand morbid obesity. I think most everyone thinks this is a self-inflicted ailment, and we all choose to be this way.
I think tonight I'm just depressed. Tomorrow will be better.
12.14.04 - Wow. I can't believe how fast December has gone. Well, I received my insurance card for my husband's insurance. As of January 1, I'll be covered on Anthem. Then, I start my battle over again. Lord, help me.
12.14.04 - Good NEWS!!!! My husband called from work today and his insurance company is covering me immediately, so I'll have continuous coverage. Maybe things are finally looking up??? :-)
12.20.04 - It's beginning to look alot like Christmas! We have snow. No news on the insurance front. I still haven't received my new card, so that's kinda weird, but who knows... I was contacted by the CopyEditor of the Obesity Help Mag. She wants me to do some copyediting for the magazine, so that should be fun. Anyway, I hope everyone has a good holiday season. Tata for now.
01.02.05 - HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Maybe this will be my year? Maybe my new insurance will come through and I can get this surgery and get on with my life? Here's to a new year...
01.20.05 - Tomorrow is my husband's 25th birthday! We're having a party for him Saturday, which I'm really looking forward to. I finally received my insurance card, and I'm thinking I should get a few claims in before I go up to St. Vincents. I recently got hired on at the local university to work as a writer and editor in their School of Informatics, which I'm psyched about. It's a fun job and pays really well. So, things are looking up - finally! I think 2005 really is going to be my year!
P.S. I'm also working on my first assignment as an editor/writer for Obesity Help Magazine!
Wish me luck!
02.23.05 - Tomorrow, I go for a consultation at St. Vincents. I'm excited. I was looking over the medical files from the last year and I've gained 50 pounds since I went to the Bariatric Treatment Center in January of 2004! That's unreal. So, it's time for this to finally go through. I'm tired of fighting for it. I'm so glad to be on the upswing again. I'm looking forward to seeing the facilities that I've heard so much about at St. Vincents. I can't wait!
03.23.05 - Well, the consult went well. I met with Dr. Gupta, and I've done the psych eval. I submitted all my paperwork to insurance last Friday, so we'll see how that goes. It can take up to 8 weeks to hear, but what's 8 weeks after waiting over a year? So... I'm anxious, but excited. Professionally, my career is going really well. I've got some great prospects as far as freelance writing, plus my day job - which is great - writing for the university. So, things are really looking up right now. Maybe, it's my time??? Let's hope! -j
03/29/05 - I'M APPROVED FOR SURGERY!!!!! I can't believe I'm writing this! I just called to check that they received my paperwork and they said they mailed an approval on March 24th. Thank you God!
03/30/05 - Well, I still haven't received the actual approval letter, but I called insurance again yesterday (just for my peace of mind) to ensure that they did indeed approve me and to find out if there were any stipulations involved with the approval - they said there are none. The only downer is that my husband's company is switching insurance plans and the split is going from 90/10 to 80/20, and the out of pocket goes from 1500 to 2500. A bummer, but still. I'm Happy anyway! Also, I called a lawyer and am drawing up a living will and estates will. (You can never be too careful.) I'm only 22, but I want to make sure my husband is ok if something would happen to me. Well, I'll write again soon. :)
04/07/05 - I have a date!!! May 2, 2005! The hospital called today to finish scheduling my pre-op testing and nutrition class. Less than four weeks until surgery!!! I can't believe how fast everything is moving. -j
04/16/05 - I went for pre-op testing on Thursday. The upper GI was hell and trying to pee in a cup is always a chore, but otherwise it went rather quickly. They called yesterday and said my blood sugar was high, my protein level was low and my thyroid was high. Great. An Atkins diet for me. I was so hoping to kind-of eat whatever I wanted for the next 2 weeks. Oh well. So, it's protein protein protein for me. My nutrition class is coming up. I'm looking forward to finding out what I'll be eating and when after the surgery.
Well, I've only got 2 weeks and 2 days left!!!! Wish me luck!
04/22/05 - I had my nutrition class yesterday. It was informative, and I'm really glad they were so thorough. I feel alot better about the surgery, and I'm getting really excited!
05.02.05 (written later) - This was the day of surgery. Surgery went fine. I was out of the hospital in 2 days. Surgery on Monday. Home on Wednesday. I was so surprised that I wasn't in nearly as much pain as you'd think. Drinking out of a sippy cup is weird and eating w/a baby spoon, but I'm on the losing side!
05/22/05 - So far I've lost 35 pounds in about 2 1/2 weeks. Not bad at all. Things have been so incredibly hard. I spoke with my nutritionist and they moved me up on my diet, which has helped, alot, but the protein is still all but impossible to get in. I'm trying. I'm soooo scared of losing my hair, but it's so hard!!! I guess the things worth having don't come easy. But, geez!!!
Well, I haven't posted in a while. Things have been going great. I'm down approx. 43 pounds. Can't complain. I've been doing well with food. I had my first experience last night with eating too much. I literally ate one bit of broccoli too much and up it came. I'm kinda glad it happened because up until now it's sort of felt like nothing really happened inside - if that makes sense? Well, I walked 10 laps at the Y last night and I was so proud (I've been doing 7 - a mile). My stomach has been feeling weird these past couple days, but that's probably to be expected. My birthday was last Thursday. My hubby got me an Ipod and I got money for new clothes. Yeah! I'm eating my first protein bar (from bariatriceating.com) today. It's a little sweet, but not too bad. I hope they're happy with me at my six weeks check up next week. I've been really struggling w/my protein. -j
06/13/05 - I'm really really down today. I'm feeling incredibly overwhelmed here at work. This stupid witch of a woman has made me feel like I don't know what I'm doing and I'm letting that get to me. But, on topic, I've lost over 40 pounds. I'm working on getting my protein in and I hope I'm on the right track. I'm so bored of the same food all the time. But, I guess that's just life.
I had a scare recently. I went to my regular doctor's office, but I saw a different doctor. She told me that I had a SUPER high red blood cell count and that was why I'd been having such an incredibly heavy period. She acted REALLY concerned and sent me to the hospital. Well, it turned out to be nothing, but it scared me half to death. I don't think I'll go to her again.
06.14.05 - Having to use self-control sucks. The weird things is now I can't eat food and I love to cook it. I used to hate cooking. Now, I cook constantly, watch cooking shows and read cookbooks. It's like I just wanted to keep food in my life. I don't really mind not eating what I cook. The bad thing is... everytime I want something, I get it for my husband. He and I are going to trade weights if I'm not careful. I've also become addicted to Crispix. I love those things. I made my husband hide them and only let me have them once a day. Like I said, self-control sucks. -j
06/26/05 - Well, I'm down 53 pounds! Under 300 baby! I'm 290 - I never thought that would make me happy, but it does!!! It's been a while since I've seen myself under 300 and I'm sooooo happy! This has been a crazy week. My two best friends have flipped. One got married and one is pregnant. Crazy week. Gotta go - j
07.05.05 - Today is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday. I was reflecting on how lucky I am to have such a supportive network of family and friends. This weekend was great. It's been a long time since I've been able to do so much. Saturday, we enjoyed our city's Picnic with the Pops event. Sunday, we went shopping - I actually walked around in the mall!!! Yesterday, we had a 4th Bash at our house. I'm so tired today, but so impressed I was able to do this much.
Lately, I've been thinking alot about how my skin is going to be after I lose more weight. It's silly to worry so early on, but I'm beginning to see the sagging and it's unbelievably depressing.
07.07.05 - There were terror attacks in London today and I felt like I just needed to comment about it here. My thoughts and prayers are with the victims and their families.
Today, I found out yet another friend is pregnant. Oh. How unfair that I have to wait like 2 years, but I guess it will be worth it. I want a baby so badly, I can hardly stand it. I ache for a child, and sometimes it's all I can think of. I'm also so tired of being discluded from the mommy club. Sometimes, I think about how they say you're more likely to get pregnant after surgery and, even though, I'm on the pill, I secretly wish that I would be the one in a hundred or whatever that gets prego on the pill. My husband would not be so happy at first... But, oh how I'd love to have a baby right now... Crazy, huh?
07.11.05 - Well, I had the equivalent to an emotional meltdown this weekend. These emotions are really getting to me. I'm obsessing over the loose skin I'm starting to see and it's really upsetting me. I'm so depressed by the whole thing. How will I ever afford to get the plastic surgery to fix it? Sigh. I know things will work out and, like everyone keeps telling me, I've got youth on my side. Thank Goodness.
I think we're going to my first WLS event this weekend, so I'm looking forward to that. It's north of Indy - quite a drive, but it should be fun times.
I start school in August and I want so badly just to get a degree. I work in a semi-professional position and I've come a long way, considering I don't have a degree, but I desperately want one. Why was I so stupid when I was young? When I think of all the opportunities I lost because I just didn't care, it makes me so sad.
Good news - My husband started a new job today and is really excited about it. It's the start of something really great for him, I think. I hope and pray he has an absolutely FAB first day!
Cheers - j
07.12.05 - Well, my hubby's first day went well yesterday. Oh, how I hope this is our break. Things are going well. I've lost 60 pounds and I'm feeling good. Tonight I have a local group meeting. I wonder if my hubby will want to go with? Well, nothing new to say, just felt like posting. ~J
07.18.05 - It's Monday. Bleh. I wish it was Friday already. Well, things have going well. I'm really starting to see what they mean about the 3 month blues. I'm coming up on 3 months and I'm starting to really grieve. Not too bad, but I do miss alot of things and sometimes I want to snack so bad. But, I'll never give in! Not this time. This time is different. I'm going to make it work! But, gosh it's hard. I just have to concentrate on all the things I can do now:
I can fit into my clothes (without feeling like I'm going to burst...)
I can walk all over the place and not get tired!
I can finally shop and buy things that are cute no matter their size (I'll eventually fit in them!)
My husband had me sit on his lap last night. (I haven't done that in so long)
Oh there's so many more! I'm so grateful for this surgery...
07.20.05 - Well, I joined Curves yesterday. They weighed me and I've lost 8 more pounds, so that's 68 total. I tell myself that their scale isn't the doctor's, so I shouldn't get overly excited. But, it's still cool! I'm dropping my membership to the Y. I just don't have time to go swimming every day and that's basically what I do there. I think I'll just bite the bullet and pay the full day price whenever I go. I really need to get into an exercise routine, so I'm hoping I just LOVE Curves.
I'm in a serious food rut. I eat the same old things day in, day out and I'm getting soooo sick of it. Sigh. I just really dislike the texture of most meat and it often makes me sick. That leaves very few things. I am going to make Chili and see how that goes, though. I'm dying to try something else. I've discovered Power Butter, which I love and really helps me get my calories in. But, it does worry me that it's so HIGH in cals. Geez. If it's not one thing, it's the other! Well, must get back to the grindstone. Cheers - j
07.25.05 - Oh, how time flies. I'm 3 months out today! So much has changed. Saturday, my family and I went to Chilis and they sat us at a fixed booth. Panic began to set in as I started to sit down, but suddenly I realized my stomach wasn't touching the table. MY STOMACH WASN'T TOUCHING THE TABLE!!!! I could actually fit my hand between my belly and the table. I could breath. It was amazing. Then, we went to a movie and I thought, Oh great. I have to try to fit in those tiny seats. But, I FIT!!! No problem at all!!!! It's truly amazing what 68 pounds can change. I'm going to Curves tonight and I hope to see atleast a 2 more pound loss. Wish me luck!
08.03.05 - Well, the scale is stuck. It was bound to happen. I can't be too upset. I've been working out like a fiend. My protein is good, though it's still a struggle to get in my water. I've been going to Curves M-F and walking, in addition. Today, I've not done so well on my food, as nothing sounds good. Hopefully, I'll be able to get something down for supper.
On a lighter note, people are starting to really notice the change in me and it's great. Better yet, I'M starting to notice the change in me!
08.22.05 - Well, I'm out 16 weeks today. I've lost 84 pounds and I'm really happy. I am able to fit in all my old jeans and alot of my dress clothes. There stops the good news. My hubby lost his new job and is heartbroken. I'm terrified about money, so this has been a rough past week. I hope it gets better, and he finds something today. Maybe?!? That's all for now. tata - j
09.15.05 - Monday will be 20 weeks out. While I've lost 93 pounds, I'm essentially still wearing the same clothes. That's a little disappointing, but I sure feel alot better. My husband is still looking for a job, so money is definately tight. Since I started school, I haven't been to Curves at all. I can't let my school work slack, so I'm worried I may have to drop Curves this semester. Maybe I can get up in the mornings and run/walk? I guess we'll see.
09.21.05 - Sigh. Why can't it be Friday?? I was able to fit into alot more of my old jeans over the weekend, and that was exciting. With school and work, I'm really getting worn down. It's exhausting! I'm considering doing the dietetics program, which would essentially mean I'd be starting all over, considering few of my credits would then matter. But, I think I could be really happy as a RD. I don't know. Weight wise, things are fine. Though I haven't weighed since learning I'd lost 93 pounds, I think I may have lost some more. I hope! Even with all the lose skin I'm seeing, I'm so glad I did this. It's so great not to have to squeeeeeze into my clothes. :) Cheers! -j
09.26.05 - I was so bad this weekend. My friend came over Friday night. She brought cookies for dessert. I had two bites. Bad. Saturday, we celebrated my brother's birthday. I had 1/2 a piece of pizza, several bites of BREADSTICK (what!?! I know I know) and 1 bite of chocolate cake. WHAT AM I DOING??? I've lost basically 100 pounds, do I want to gain it all back??? I'm so far from goal to already be doing STUPID STUPID STUPID things like this. I don't get in my water. I don't take my vitamins regularly. Before surgery, I VOWED I would do these things. Is this just another diet? Am I going to fail AGAIN. I know it's up to me. Sigh. I hate this. I'm so scared. I don't trust myself.
10.11.05 - Well, that last entry was a downer, but I got over the hump. Sometimes this is all so hard. Like this weekend, I was craving fast food (any kind) sooo bad. Oh well. Today is my anniversary (2 years). Hubby and I are going out to the restaurant at the resort we married at. It should be fun. Unfortunately, it'll be dark, so we won't be able to take a picture really. I'd love to get a pic. I mean, I'm smaller now than I was when we got married! How lovely that is.
I went to the bariatric clothing exchange this past weekend and found LOTS of stuff. I found this really great purple silk skirt and lots of stuff for work. I sure wish I was actually going down in clothing sizes. I think I'm starting to - let's hope. In my head, I want to be a size 16 by Christmas. I know I shouldn't set goals like that, but I can't help it. Well, back to work. ~j
P.S. I love seeing my bmi go down each time I post. :)
10.14.05 - My friend is considering wls. She asks hard questions - What's the death rate? Will I be able to go to Florida three weeks later? What will it feel like? I remember thinking things like this. It's hard to explain that the really hard part is afterward. In fact, sometimes, I think the hard part is now. I think too one of the things you have to (or atleast I had to) come to terms with was how much I really weighed. You have to be honest with yourself. There's no shame in being obese. You should be proud to be doing something. Anyway, this whole thing has made me think about the changes in my life:
1. I can tie my shoes!!!
2. I can put on panty hoes!
3. I can wear alot of my old clothes!
4. Sex... enough said.
5. I can sit "Indian style"
6. I can fit in a restaurant booth!
7. I can fit through a turnstile.
8. I'm losing my second (and third!) chin.
9. I can walk for list distances with no problem.
10. I shop like crazy!
11. My shoes are all too big!
12. My bras/underwear are wayyy too big.
13. My skin has improved.
14. I can smell pizza a mile away. (Sadly)
Best of all (as bizarre as it is!)....
15. I have periods again... I can have a baby someday!!!!
10.17.05 - Monday again. Bleh. We went on a 2 mile hike on Saturday. It was a rather rugged path, so my shins took a beating. That night, we babysat my friend's two boys until after midnight. Then, the next day we went to the Covered Bridge festival. So, needless to say, I'm so sore (shins). But, the reason I'm writing this is to note how much I was able to do this weekend. It's just amazing.
Sure, I'm not mentioning the fact that I threw up foam twice this weekend (episode 1 - fried chicken - I'll never eat it again; episode 2 - 1 bite of breadstick w/cheese - I'll never even think of eating it again). But, who cares?
Nothing tastes as good as this feels.
This surgery is such a blessing.
10.28.05 - It's Friday!!! We have a busy weekend planned. Tomorrow, we're going shopping and going to a "Headless Horseman" event at Conner Prairie. Sunday, hubby and I are going shopping at an outlet mall and antique-ing. I'm so lucky to be able to do so much now!!!!!!!
I went to the doctor on Tuesday and got my b12 shot. I'm down 108 pounds to 235. It's amazing to say I weigh 235. It almost sounds normal, well sorta.
It's odd that I keep hearing from everyone how much smaller I look, and, yet, I don't see it. When I look in the mirror, I see the same face, the same body only with saggier thighs. I hate my skin and my stretch marks. I hate the way my arms sag so badly. I know this is all part of it. And, I should be so thrilled that my body has returned to normal (functioning). In a year or so, we can start trying to have children. That's why I did this. I'll be a normal size and weight for a healthy pregnancy (a pregnancy at all), but what about all the skin? Will I ever look normal? I know that shouldn't matter, but it does. It never truly occurred to me that I might someday look ok ever in my life. I've always been the fat girl - all my life. That's who I am. I don't think I have self esteem issues, honestly. I just don't know who I am without the fat.
I move up to 5 ounces next week, and I'm really dreading that. I'm comfortable on my 4 ounces. I know I lose weight on my 4 ounces. It scares me to advance. I'm so far away still. I'm just now half way there. I mean, I have over 100 more pounds to lose. Isn't the reason the weight slows down because you're eating more? I know they tell you that this is the hardest part, but I never realized how terrible this would feel. I'm so afraid all the time. I just don't want to screw up. I don't want to fail this time.
I remember thinking the hardest part would be the surgery, then the pain, then the inevitable sickness that followed. That all pales in comparison to how hard it is to live this way. I'm grateful and I wouldn't change this for the world, don't get me wrong, but sometimes it's so hard.
A baby will make this all worth while, I know. This new life I'm living makes it worth while already.
11.01.05 - We had a super duper Halloween! We took my friend and her boys' trick or treating in our neighborhood, which has lots of kids and houses to trick or treat at. The boys got SO much candy and had a super time. We walked all over the neighborhood and I didn't get tired or even sweat. It was a beautiful night - not cold like we thought it would be. I bought a small thing of Carb Slim peanut butter candies. They were really good and helped me to not feel left out at all. I couldn't have done this a year ago. In fact, last year, we went w/my cousin and her kids. I was only able to walk a block. Then, I had to sit in the car and my hubby helped my cousin with the kids. It was a small neighborhood, but we drove because I couldn't walk. It's amazing what a year can change. :)
11.18.05 - Well, my husband got a job. It's pretty decent and the pay isn't terrible. Hopefully, it will work out. We REALLY need it to. Financially, we're having a rough time. At my work, I've got good news and bad news. I'm getting "promoted" to staff, but I'm taking a paycut. With the benefits, it isn't technically much of a paycut, but anything less in my check hurts. Especially now before Christmas. I need to chill and know that things work out for a reason.
I went to the doctor last week. I've lost a total of 120 pounds. I'm down to 223 from 343. Oh HAPPY DAY! Well, gotta go. Tootles.
12.07.05 - Oh. Head hunger. How cruel you are. My office neighbor got a cheeseburger from McDonalds. Yes, I could smell exactly what it was and from where. Curse this bariatric nose. So, I've been starving now ever since. I already had my boiled eggs, but my head is still telling me I'm hungry. Gr. Just out of curiousity, I checked my stats on fitday.com and I'm getting in WAY fewer cals than I thought. I'm getting around 650, when I really need to get in around 1000. I'm not sure how to do that. Most the time, I'm just not hungry to eat more. I guess I need to add a protein bar. I'm thinking of trying the power crunch bars again, just for a change.
Sigh. Christmas is coming, and considering how TERRIBLE I was for the entire Thanksgiving weekend, I'm dreading it. I WILL NOT let myself down again like that. It's so amazingly easy, even after 7 months, to slip back into old habits. It fits like a glove. And, honestly, there are moments I almost want to say, to hell with it and just have what I want. That scares me desperately. That's the old me, and I want her to go away forever. I guess it's good to be reminded of what you were - who you were. But, it just amazes me how quickly it can all come back to you, like nothing ever changed.
Ok, so that's my philosophical thoughts for the day.
Life is okie dokie. Hubby's job seems to be doing well. He deserves it, so I'll continue to pray. My job is fine. I got my promotion, so good news there.
Happy Holidays all. ~tootles, j
12.12.05 - Well, I went to the doctor on Friday because I was sick and of course they weighed me. I've only lost 6 pounds since Nov. 7. I almost cried. SIX pounds? Are you kidding? So, I'm going to change the way I'm eating and try to add in some exercise, since I don't have school for a month. I know this is just a plateau and this happens to everyone, but I can't help but wonder if I'm doing something wrong. I overate on thanksgiving, and I've been eating peanut butter and bread. Maybe I've sabotaged myself. So, no sweets at all and I'm going to lay off peanut butter and bread products and see if I can't get my weightloss going again.
I'm going to make myself crazy thinking about this, I think. I hear of people going a whole month without losing anything. If that happens to me, I think I will lose my mind.
12.28.05 - Let's see if I can put up my own pics.
This is from my husband's 25th bday party in January 2005.
This is the day after Thanksgiving 2004, when we put up our tree. Chris, Jasmine, our cat "bubby".
After: Pictures from this month (12/2005) in the dress I bought for St. Vincent's Christmas party.
12.30.05 - Ugh. I feel terrible. I've finally been able to eat scrambled eggs and I even mixed in some real milk with them. Soooo... I thought, "Hey! I'm no longer lactose-sensitive." So, today, I bring a (whey) protein blondie for breakfast. It's terribly sweet tasting as all protein seems to be, but I eat half of it anyway. And, now I feel terrible. I'm so queasy. Oh, the stupidity. Why oh why? Kill me now.
Ok, enough self pity. Tonight, hubby and I are heading down to stay with my grandparents. My grandpa is still recuperating, and he's feeling bored all cooped (spelling?) up in the house. Chris and I are supposed to pick up a bucket of chicken (great...) on our way through. So, I'll have to figure out something I can eat. A salad, I suppose... or maybe a grilled chicken sandwich and I can just not eat very much of the bun? I don't know.
Well, I haven't weighed lately, but I will probably go to the doctor to get my b12 shot, just as soon as I get my insurance card, so then I'll know. Will update then.
01.05.2006 - Happy New Year. I still haven't weighed lately, so I can't update on that, but I do have exciting news to impart. I'm currently wearing a pair of brown cords - size 16! Yeehaw. Ok, so they're probably BIG 16s, but hey - SO WHAT? So, nothing else new, I just wanted to update with a couple pics.
This is me and hubby at a New Year's Eve party - right after the ball dropped. :)
This is me and my bestest friend in the whole world, Jess, on New Year's day. You can't tell it in this pic, but she's VERY pregnant with her 2nd child - my second niece!!! :)
01.06.06 - Today I've been at my job one full year. Happy anniversary to me! I'm writing because my friend just called me to tell me she's been APPROVED for surgery! How exciting! I'm so happy for her. What a journey this is! She's going to go through the same hospital and surgeon I did. I can't wait for her to start her journey. How exciting!!!
01.13.06 - Happy Friday the 13th! Wahahahahaha. :) Ok, so on Tuesday, I had my first strength training class, and I stepped on the scale there. It read 199. I'm not kidding you, I could have fainted ... or cried. When was the last time - junior high? Ok, so it's not my doctor's scale, so I don't completely trust it. I had someone else get on there and she said it could potentially be a couple pounds off, so maybe I haven't hit onederland yet? I'm not going to get my hopes up, but Oh, what a glorious moment that was. Today, I'm wearing a polo shirt I got here at work and it's only a LARGE! That's right. Not an XL! A Large! :) What a journey this is. I'm so grateful.
01.20.2006 - Ok, I'm aggrevated. I'm not a hothead, and honestly, I don't get worked up all that easy. But, I've discovered that the ignorance of people close to me is something that angers, and yes, maybe hurts me more than it did before surgery. My friend really angered me, and I was honestly struck by how little compassion people have for the obese. I'm not one of those people who expects pity, and perhaps because this comment wasn't about me (but was about a friend that is having the surgery soon), is why it angered me so, but alas, I feel like I need to share what I wrote to another friend about this episode. I know there are other people out there that feel and would feel as hurt (and more than a little surprised) as I did.
Start: I was talking to XYZ about my friend who's having the surgery, and XYZ commented that for people who only have 100 or so pounds to lose, it's the easy way out. Why is it the easy way out for them and not for me with 230+ pounds to lose? You see, what's she was really saying, is it's the easy way out. Period. For everyone. This is what she said: "It seems like she would try diet and exercise first."
Diet and exercise? DIET AND EXERCISE?????? Are you kidding me? Gee. So, that's all it takes? Why didn't I think of that? Somebody really needs to tell the fat and lazy community how unbelievably easy it is to CURE their fattness.
It's funny that it's the people who've never had to worry about their weight believe it surely must be easy (I mean they don't have a problem with it, right?). That's like telling a clinically depressed person - have you ever just tried being happy? I'm so sick of that mentality. XYZ watches what she eats. I watch what I eat. XYZ exercises to stay fit. I exercise to stay fit. The only difference is I started out with the genetic predisposition to be fat. Plain and simple. No one can tell me that I chose at 3 years old to be twice the size of any child in my preschool class. How do you explain how my brother and I grew up eating the same foods (while I was the more active one), but he ended up perfectly fit and I ended up obese?
Ok, so I know I'm ranting, but it surprised me how much more this mentality and ignorance angers me NOW, compared to before. It's probably because I've spent the last 9 months of my life struggling, busting my butt, making sure everything I eat is healthy, all the while watching skinny people eating all the things I can NEVER have, while they, at the same time, think they are the stronger ones, the less lazy ones because they don't have a weight problem. Well, in reality, they're not stronger or less lazy. They're just lucky. They're lucky like you and I are lucky to not have cancer or be poor. Except that obesity is the only illness or condition in which those who don't face it gloat like they've conquered something that in reality they've never had to battle. (END)
01/23/06 - Well, it's official. I'm in onederland. Hubby and I went to the mall this weekend, and we stopped by Dick's to look at their exercise equipment (I've been wanting a gazelle). They had one of those fancy digital scales there, so I weighed on it. At first, it said 201. When I weighed again (without my shoes), it was 199. Now, if I always weighed with shoes on, I wouldn't count it, but I always take my shoes off, so I'd say that's OFFICIAL!!! It's the second time I've stepped on the scale and it said less than 200, so I guess I'll believe it this time. I'm in onederland. :)
Pic from Hubby's 26th Bday:
02.15.06 - So much has happened since I last updated. I became dehyrated a couple weekends ago after a nasty viral infection and while in the hospital learned that my liver enzymes were high. This turned out to be my gallbladder. So, Dr. Gupta removed my gallbladder last Friday, and today I'm recuperating fairly well.
Ok, so that's a brief version, but be glad you've been spared all the drama.
Yesterday was v-day, and my hubby was extra sweet (even after having taken care of me constantly for the past couple weeks). He bought me a beautiful diamond right-hand ring and we went to a cozy little cafe, where we played scrabble and cards for a couple hours after work. It was so wonderful. I'm so blessed to have him.
02.28.06 - Last day of february! Hard to believe! Well, I went to the doctor the week before last and I weighed in at 187 pounds. I could have cried. Really. It was a really weird moment for me. I don't remember ever in my whole life weighing so little. I know I must have in junior high or maybe even early hs or something, but it was truly unbelievable. That makes a total loss of 156 pounds since surgery. Only 77 pounds to goal. To most people that's still so far off, but atleast it's in site.
Now to work on my mind. I'm been going crazy lately. Grazing and then berating myself. I need to gain some self-control. I don't want to gain my weight back, afterall. When I think about all my skin it makes me want to eat. Now, there's a complex issue for you. Sigh. I know they say the hardest part of bariatric surgery are the mind games, but this is killing me. You would think after losing 156 pounds, I could look in the mirror at my body and say - way to go. I look at my body and think - OMG, I look like one of those wrinkly dogs! I look as bad as I ever did, just smaller. Ok, done with the pity party.
07.05.06 - So much to say since the last time I updated. I've lost a total of about 182 pounds. I weigh 160ish. I can do everything I always hoped to be able to do. I'm within 50 pounds of my goal, and I finally believe I'll reach it. That's where the good news stops.
This surgery has destroyed my marriage. I mean, just destroyed it. All those feelings that I used food to stiffle are alive and well. It's amazing how you dull all your senses with food and fat. I don't now if hubby and I will get through this. I really don't. I wouldn't change that I had this surgery for anything in the world. He wouldn't either. But, we may not survive this surgery together. My heart is broken, and I feel so alone. I never thought I'd be writing this. And, yet, here I am. You cannot lose an entire person (over 180 pounds) and still be the same person. Don't let anyone lie to you.
You've heard "A baby changes everything"? Well, so does this surgery.
Someone ran across my profile and seemed inspired by it. I want to update with my email to her, so all can know the drama this is this crazy, wonderful life. Best to all. Love to all. May you find all the happiness you search for.
My email to her:
The weightloss has been amazing. I've lost 200 pounds and I'm within 20-40 of goal (depending on skin, of which i have much). My marriage is destroyed completely. As I sit here I write to you from my apartment which I share with my best friend, having just moved out of my house (which I shared w/my husband) this weekend. My marriage is, as I said, destroyed. And, I'm broken. It was devastating, as you can imagine, to discover that I had used food my whole life to squelch all the things I felt inside. When I could no longer do that, I discovered that I had never had the feelings for my husband that I should have. It's amazing what pounds and food can cover up. It's amazing what you can make silent if you just keep on eating.
Anyway, I am here searching for myself, because I've been heavy all my life. Literally, all my life. And, I never knew who I was, and I'm finally discovering that. I don't know you're story, but I will say that when you lose more than a whole person, you cannot possibly remain the same person. And, for some, that "loss" can be devastating, but I don't regret it. It is still the best decision I ever made.
A recent pic:
March 13, 2007: I am divorced now. Lost over 200 pounds and a husband. I'm a writer again, what my heart told me I always should be doing. Leaving Chris opened the floodgate for me, and though it breaks me to think it, the demise of our relationship saved my poetic life. Ok, that was sorta dramatic, but true... Anywho, I still live with my best friend, who has been my rock throughout it all. AND, I have a pretty cool boyfriend named Ryan. With me, it's anyone's guess how that will work out... I had plastic surgery Jan. 15 on my arms and torso. I look better than I ever have. My issues: still food and self esteem. Funny how that works. I wish you all, all the luck in the world. This is a hard road we travel. May you be prepared and thankful. I know I wasn't, but I know I am.
April 14, 2007 - Update: So, I'm dealing with old food beasts again. Good old binge and purge I used to talk on the boards alot about... Like a year ago really. I've been kicking around the idea of moving to California, where my old boss now lives (i'm close to her and she could probably help me w/getting a job and stuffs). I wanna write and trying my hand in the Midwest is pretty much like casting out a line in a dry pond. There are so many things about that that just stress me out to the point where I feel the need to binge and then the inevitable cycle follows. There's the idea of whether my best friend would go like i hope. (She has this boyfriend now, which might actually be an issue.) Then my parents, who won't be surprised, but will be very sad. My brother has a million issues with drug abuse and I feel anguished to leave my parents to deal with it on their own. There's the issue of my grandparents, who are not getting younger, ya know? And, then, there's Ryan... sigh... What to say about that?... I've never felt the way I do for him. Not for my husband and not for my ex, with whom I shared alot. He is basically the shiznit. lol. But, I fear maybe he is like my ex. No, he is nothing like him. But, I think it may be a similar situation. He's enthralled by me, sees the mystery, the catalyst, the writer, but I'm not sure he wants to see the woman. Even as I write that, I question if I've given him the chance to even glimpse the woman. hm. Still, the problem with my ex was that I was the "prototype" (his word). If he had listed what he wanted in a girl, it would be everything I am. But, bottom line is, he left everything he wanted to go home and back to his ex. Back to what he knows. What's safe. Sigh. That's so weak. I want it not to be the case this time. Ryan is real in a way I've never ever known. But if he wants to be something more than what I've known, if he wants to get to know the woman I really am, he's gonna have to prove he's different. Maybe that's not fair to ask, but it is what it is. I guess we'll see. All I know is I'm not going to be left again and California is calling. I don't know what to do. But, the thing about me is ever since this surgery, I'm different. I'm not like everyone else and I'm willing to be if you've had this surgery you can say the same. Really, it all comes back to food. I can feel however I feel, but I know I HAVE to stop eating it away... Yikes!
May 17, 2007 - So, I want to get all this updated. Had surgery in Jan. 07 on my torso and arms. Look way better, didn't lose a damned pound from it nor did I lose a clothing size, but hey. I like me naked and that's better than nothing. So, Ryan and I broke up. I'm boyfriendless and sorta sad bout that. We're still seeing each other, which is strange and complicated and kinda cool. I'm a much better girl to date exclusively than to have as a girlfriend. Don't ask me what the difference is, but somehow there is one. Regardless, it's pretty much a moot point, cause I'm up and moving to Cali end of July. Poets don't make money in the Midwest... Well, poets don't make money anywhere, but hey, maybe more than just a couple people will read my stuffs out there. Who knows. Should be cool. I'm looking for a sublet until Oct. or November until my best friend and her bf move out there. (Anyone got a spare place on their floor???) Pretty much looking at being completely poor. And alone. That sucks, but ya know, sometimes you just gotta take a chance. And, if us OH'ers are anythings, it's risk takers. If we weren't, we wouldn't be where we are. And, I'm happy here. Two years out, three surgeries later, divorced, recently heartbroken and uprooting my whole life, I'm still happier than I've ever been. I take chances and I'm so proud of how far I've come. I wouldn't change my world even if I could. ;) Peace to you all...
Like I said, I'm updating and switching to this new format. So, you can catch my blog for updates from here on out.