ObesityHelp

Today, I went to see my plastic surgeon for my 5 month follow up and also my bariatric surgeon for my 2 year check up. Everyone made a big fuss out of me. Three cheers for my success. la la la. I got pictures taken at both. The plastics were amazing before and afters. Oh, how I do hate taking "nakey pics," as I call em. My best friend is a model, but even if i was perfect and beautimous like she is, I could never do it. Standing in front of a lovely, kind nurse in that little vstring thing they call underwear, I felt so exposed. I turned bright red from head to toe. lol. Still, I'm quite proud of and selective with who gets to see this body of mine and its roadmap of scars, my proof of pain and hardwork. lol... So, anywho, they were happy with me. Said I've done fabulous and to keep up the good work. That sort of praise always makes me feel like a fraud, because in my head I can only think of all the failures and how much futher I could be. But, I know that's silly... They said congrats on moving to Cali. No reason to get a surgeon out there to do check ups. We'd do things over the phone and when I'm back in Hoosierland to pop in. So, all is good on that front. Yeah! :) :)

Feeling kinda sick tonight. Not sure why. Sore throat and tummy. I might be dehydrated again. Gah. It happens so darned easy to me. Haven't purged since Monday, though. My Ryan that isn't really mine has been taking up all my time, I think so he can keep tabs on me. lol. (Not that I mind, of course. giggle.) I did binge tonight tho. I'm fighting the purge, which is why I'm writing this (need an outlet). My stomach is actually sticking out. It hurts so bad... Eh. I pretty much hate food and sometimes I hate me too. Not really, but I hate my issues. I lost 200 pounds to be normal and yet I think losing that weight simply exposed those issues more. 

Hm. I can't sleep, so shall I play therapist for myself?... Ya, guess it'll have to be me. So, why the binge tonight? I guess I'm feeling a little alone again. No reason really. Well... no more than normal. I feel a little lost. My moma went w/me to my doc appts. and I've just been thinking about stuff we talked about. She was talking about how restless and stubborn I am. How I think I can just do anything and whatever and I'll always land on my feet --all by myself. She's been heavily encouraging me to reach out to someone. Specificaly Ryan, who she believes has changed me in a way no one else has. She says it's worth the risk. She claims it's possible to have your dreams and have something real by your side too. I've come to see that maybe "real" might possibly exist for me, but having it by my side remains to be seen. I ponder if something real will perhaps always be just a limited time offer, if perhaps it is offered to me only as a subject or the fuel for my writing, never really a hand to hold or a "heart to cradle," as someone precious once put it. Part of me believes I'm the girl by which the bar is set, the girl you move on from, the girl you want to keep as a friend always, so she can help you when it comes time to be with the girl that you really want even tho that girl will supposedly never hold a candle to me and you'll still need to call me every damn day atleast once if not more because she can never be real with you, she can never be me and it's me that you miss... Sure, I'll smile and respond and do my thing, but I'll never forgive you for being so weak as to run from something real... So whatever... Er... But... I digress... Ya... as far as I'm concerned if it ever was something real, then it can never be something else. Not this time around. I'm done being the girl you love and then look back and say: ya, she was the catalyst. I needed her so I could learn to love someone else. No thanks... "They went home." Oh Ms. Maya, those words have so much meaning now... Is it a pattern? If it is, I'll pass. Thanks. ... But, I suppose I'd rather be this than that, than to ever go back to what I know just because it's safe, the way some people seem to do. I'm proud that I am what I am, even if it means these lonely nights. I have to do what I have to do. I'm not running or pushing anything away by going to California. I am a writer and I must pursue that. So, with regards to this "something real," well... my heart will let it go and put faith that connections transcend two stupid stubborn hearts. I believe things will work out, so they must, right?

Ech. That turned out to be a senseless rant about love or something, but I feel better now and I'm not going to have to purge, so mission accomplished, ya?... Sigh... I think I'm looking for home... or something like it.

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"Great love and great achievement include great risk..."

I miss him.

I've been binging. Again. Bad. And, when I say binging, I mean consuming hundreds of calories in the span of minutes. Chocolate, cookies, pretzels, chips. You name it. It's like a frenzy and then it's over. Sometime I throw up because in my head that's just smart. Sometimes I stop myself from that humiliation. But, either way, I'm destroying all my hard work. I've done this before. Really I've been binging and purging my whole life. But, this time it's serious. I've came so far and have so much more to lose than I ever did. I feel out of control. I'm so scared. I've never felt so alone in all my life. It's both cause and effect. I'm going to San Diego, which I'm excited about, but I'm scared too and ever since I started thinking about it, I've been eating emotionally until I'm now at this point where I feel like I need to do it to get control. 

Blech. Today is bad, but tomorrow will be better. I'm going to get slim fast tonight and go back to liquid and protein only for a little while. If I can get the "bad foods" out of my system, maybe I can get control. Maybe...

I've come to see, no matter how far out you are, once an addict, you're always an addict. You're never fully recovered. Just in remission.

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I miss him.

Went home this weekend. As in, home where I grew up... It's funny how those people and that place can remind me of who I really am, even if everybody else is still trying to figure out who the heck I am. They ask me what I'm up to. They've always thought me wild. Running around chasing my dreams instead of staying married, settling down, having kids like I was supposed to. I know they whisper about that girl who lost all that weight and just let it go to her head. Crazy. That's what they say. lol. I'm beginning to wonder if maybe crazy isn't such a bad thing after all...

Alison Krauss's song "Crazy as Me" is really hitting all the right notes for me right now...

Crazy as Me (Alison Krauss and Union Station)

I'm used to being alone
Except for six month flings with diamond rings
And phone bills that outweigh the phone
This is the life that I chose
I got no complaints if he is, if he ain't,
and if he is I guess he'll send me a rose

Chorus:
Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey
And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key
Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me

I still love what I know
I love to ride alone and sing a song and listen to the radio
You can ride along and if you change your mind, well
That's just fine, but there's somethin' that you got to know

Chorus:
Just don't ask me for the truth if you choose to lie honey
And don't try to open my door with your skeleton key
Some folks seem to think I only got one problem
I can't find nobody as crazy as me

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I miss him

Hello All. I hope you're having a beautiful day. I have received countless emails from you all asking about why my marriage ended. How did surgery destroy my marriage? I'm pasting below the response I wrote to someone. I think it sums it up, but please feel free to ask anything you need. I know those fears. I remember thinking that surgery was the kind of thing that would affect OTHER people's marriages, never mine. It's even something my husband and I had discussed and laughed off... Ironic, yes? Regardless, I am happier than I've ever been. Something I've come to know, you can try to manipulate destiny and safeguard yourself from the tragedies of life, but you only change the path you take, you will never actually change the destination. Whatever is supposed to happen, simply and unequivocally will. ;)

My email:

I was heavy for the totality of my life. I ate away my pain, uncertainties, everything. The thing about eating away emotions is you can't relegate that to just the negative ones. You eat away the good too. Well, I was so dull most all my life that when someone paid attention to me and a friendship was built, I assumed that's how love worked. I just let it flow. Years later when I had my rny and I could no longer deal with my life by numbing hurt with food, I suddenly realized alot. When you take away the food, you have to deal with the real. I adored my husband. The person he was, but I was never at any time in love with him. He was safe. I loved him, but I felt nothing for him. It took me over a year to actually leave. I felt so indebted to him for all that we'd gone through, mostly with him caring for me and helping me so much. It was the most devastating experience to have to leave someone that I did care about. That I still care about. My feelings for him never changed. They were just never what they should have been. And, without food, I knew I couldn't carry on that way. Without the weight of pounds and insecurities and numbness, I felt like I had a chance to be something for me. Live for me, for once. I will live all of my life thankful for him and his love and I hope someday he will try to understand, though he doesn't right now. And, so few people do. So few people know that food is really a drug, and that food addiction is truly a disease. I am only in remission, and if I don't stay on top of my eating, my emotions, my life, I could be right back there in an instant. I would have been if I'd stayed with him, bless his heart. I couldn't spend my living dreaming and wondering "Is there life out there?". I realized I didn't just have to dream. I could make it my reality. And, so I did. And, so I am. :)

I will happily answer any question you have. Take care and good luck always. With all things in life, you can know, but you can never really prepare. No one's ever really ready. Bariatrixies are a courageous lot. Be proud of that.

Peace,
Jazz

PS: And, those of you out there dating after a situation like mine: How do you deal with the ups and downs of the normal dating world? This is my first foray ever really (I was 18 when I met my husband and he was my first bf). I'm discovering it's TOUGH... I feel like I'm walking around with blinders on, not knowing what to say or do. My boyfriend Ryan and I just broke up... And, I'm missing him... Bad... And I can't (or SHOULDN'T) use food to make that hurt stop... So, what does a girl do?... 

Ya, did I mention I miss him? :(