Sometimes I tell myself that I don’t need ObesityHelp. Not because I don’t love you guys (I do), and not because I haven’t found so much solace here (I have). But because, I forget how much we all have in common, even when we have nothing in common but this surgery. Sometimes, I forget how all encompassing it is to be what we once were. I was fat, all my life. And, now I’m not, and that changes everything.
I feel frustrated. I feel like I want the world now, because I never even attempted to even dream of it before. And, now, I want to go out and make up for lost time -- chase every star I see, because I CAN. Because I know that I really can. And, knowing that, I find myself restless. And, then, I find myself lonely.
I have a man that loves me a lot. But, he feels like no matter what I do, he’s not enough to make me happy, to fulfill me. It anguishes him. He says I’m always running after something, always trying to climb that next higher mountain. He says I’m always looking forward to the next thing, instead of appreciating what I have. It makes me feel like he doesn’t know who I am, or why I am this way. Maybe, he doesn’t. Perhaps, he just can’t. Sometimes I think no one understands. But, then I realize some of you do get it. He only knows who I am now. He never knew me then, and he never saw what I went through to become the woman he loves. He’s heard all the stories. But, unless you know, unless you saw that, the danger, the desperation, the life and death struggle of living and being afraid you couldn’t make the right choices to sustain this new life… unless you experienced that yourself (or atleast secondhand), you can’t know. It’s just a story, just something that happened. But, it’s more transforming than that. I hate the idea of being defined by who I was and what I went through, but I am. I know it.
I’m different. We’re different sort of people. This fluctuating 145-160 pound woman is really not all of me. I feel like I’m carrying 200 pounds more than that in my back pocket that explains the whys and hows of the rest of me. But, how can you convey that to someone else? How do you explain that is isn’t that I don’t appreciate the here and now.It isn’t that I don’t love him for what he is and what he inspires in me. Rather, it’s that I appreciate all of it SO much. It’s that I want to make the MOST of it and, most importantly, I want to make the most of ME. I can’t just be satisfied with okay, because I know what so precious few people know about themselves, I can do almost anything – because I have done almost everything that a person can do to change themselves for the better.
I wish he could understand. I feel like I have talked and explained until I'm blue in the face. Nothing.