So why am I not rejoicing, its like the more I do the more I see piled up ahead...I need to rethink my coping mechanisms, so thats the journey I am on now...rebuilding me from the ground up and not only is it not an easy job, its like a backward slide some days....

Ramon posted this and I thought I would put it here for my own go back to referral.

An Old Cherokee Teaches His Grandson About Life.
"A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy. "It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego....   The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.

This same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather which wolf would win.

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."

Heres to trying to feed only the good wolf, let that other f-er starve!

the creatures are stirring, and roaming about! 

Checking the scale and clothing tags with care, hoping a smaller size soon would be there!

All fun aside, lots of things have been happening round here, oddly enough, my health is both improved and not lol.  My back/tailbone is about the same, as long as im really careful most days im ok, or only slightly in pain, if i screw up I pay for days.  I can walk miles though, and thats a major improvement!  Im calling it a Win here, though its likely I will have to change jobs or even careers.

I got the hysterectomy that i have been needing for about 15 years on dec 12, I felt better the next day, ive felt better EVERY day since then a little each day.  I feel like getting up and doing things again, and I have started losing weight again, breaking a stall that started early in september, and hopefully i will lose alot more.  Been stuck between 245-250 for 3 months, I'd pretty much given up to be honest and decided ok thats just my size.  Then late november I started to gain, and I was finally able to see my gyno in early december, and told him flat out, im gonna lose my insurance, ive been bleeding for months, im so lucky that I am not today, can we do my well woman and schedule my Hysterectomy the drugs arent working he was like ok lets do it.  So like less than a week later i was on the table and had an almost complete hysterectomy.  They left the cervix for bladder support since it tested negative for any reason it needed to come out, but basically a complete hysterectomy.  

Today I am feeling good and thinking of going back on my no carb dieting, which is totally bizarre the day before xmas I know... but I dont care, im feeling like I can move on now.

I have also started dating a man, Steve, he took me to my pre op thing with the gyno... i mean thats pretty big I think.  I love him, he loves me, were both having problems because of distance hes in Lubbock and me Houston, but were trying to get that worked out.
 
I am still recovering but im alot calmer and happier... He keeps worrying about things that upset me before surgery and im laughing and saying i dunno i dont care anymore... I do feel very changed, and for the better.

Well went to a fabulous conference, saw many of my friends I met in Dallas at the RYD conference.  Hope to get some pictures up soon.  Had some minor issues with my back but took some time out to relax and was able to finish all day saturday!  

Dieting is going slower, but I am loosing sizes even though the pounds seem to be stuck like glue.  My overall weight loss now is 191.  I am guessing I weigh around what I did when I was in the 8th grade.

Had more trouble finding stuff at the clothing exchange now that I am a 14/16 seems theres just not as much to go around! AWWW poor me! LOL.  Guess I will have to go and buy stuff! What a shame! Can you feel the tears from there?

I love all of my wonderful OH family, some of the best people I have ever met.  Kind and gracious, loving and full of fun and excitement, and compliments.  Sometimes im still blocking them with my mind, but once in awhile they get through, I am starting to believe.

Ive gotten into misses tops that were 16, but now, finally i am into my first pair of non-plus sized pants.  Misses pants.... still a 16 but smaller than the 16w pants I have...

I was stunned, I started to cry... I was just to shocked.  I never expected to get this far, much less keep going...

Things are both good and bad.  Im still losing though much slower since I am having so much trouble moving around.  Today I finally achieved one of those goals "if only, if only" I am under 250 pounds for the first time in close to 20 years.  My back problems have prevented me from exercising much.  I also found out something that may be even more amazing, which I have not posted about.  Today I weigh less than my younger brother for the first time ever in our collective lives.  I dont even know what to think....I am stunned.  Happy but I really never believed I would get there. 
Today I weighed 248 pounds.
I am fixing to start the prceedure to apply for permanent disability.  This is something I have been dreading and avoiding thiinking about, but today its 1 year since the  first day I missed work.  Maybe I should have done it sooner, but I just didn't want to give up hope, I still don't.   I am very depressed about this, I thought losing the weight was going to fix everything but it hasn't.  I dont know what to do.