Had a moment last night where I was prowling the entire house for snacks and around 11 I was like looking at myself going "What in the heck are you doing?"
I am so far off my plan and mark that I'm having a hard time facing myself cause I know I am not where I want to be and I'm sure I've gained weight seeing as my pants are now tight.
So this morning I'm on a protein drink and a gallon of water and gonna try to flush out my system today a bit. I have to get back to not eating fast food at all and not snacking and not baking unless I'm giving the stuff away cause I am not safe with it in the house.
I have to clarify totally in my mind what I want and where I want to be in my weight loss and not settle for going backwards or letting myself down and fall into old patterns just because its so easy to do around my family and how we all eat.
If I continue this way I will be throwing away all the goals and accomplishments I have made for myself and taking away all my personal successes and I do not what to go back to where I was.
Weight is always going to be a issue for me and it will be a lifetime struggle everyday to fight my addiction to food but I knew this going into to WLS I just seemed to have blocked it out the further and further I got out from surgery.
I know what I want and I know I can get it. Life threw me some hard curve balls this past 6 months and I let them hit me hard but now that see what harm they have done I can see the way to a plan to fix them.
Losing Austin was a hard blow to me as well as the fusion on my spine this past March. These were hits that I didn't know how to deal with and I fell into old coping patterns and turned to food. This was a huge mistake and has cost me my goals. What's done is done but now is the time for me to scrape myself back up off the floor and get back into a fighting stance and not let this defeat me.
So I'm a bit sore from the punches and bleeding a bit from the hits I've taken but I'm still standing and I'm still going and nothing is going to defeat me. no family crisis no stupid body pain or slow recovery is going to take away where I want to be.