in the last 24 hours I have recieved 4 compliments. None of which I feel I can accept..  whe i was bigger, i would go fishing for compliments, I LOVED them! now, my confidence sores yet I feel like I dont deserve even the slightest words of congradulation....
1st was from my personal trainer, he said that he has seen more improvement in the 3 weeks that I havce been there than he has seen in some clients make in the entire 8 weeks sessions. 
2nd my taekwondo instructer said he thought that my kicks were some of the most powerful he has ever seen...impressive due to the fact I havent even tried to earn my white belt (the first one by the way) 
3rd was from an old friend, he was impressed with my weightloss, his wife had WLS in January and he was still impressed with my improvements... 
the final was from a manager going over the bake (I am a baker and we havew to go over my product) he said my bake was only second to one and he hoped that I was going to stay around for a while, the other baker quit 3 weeks ago and they ahvent seen a bake this good since (my boss and 3 other supervisors have baked there since hehe) 

yet I cant seem to internalize them. I say thank you and mentally point out my flaws, the things these people seem to have missed... when will I be able to hear what they say, feel just as peoud that I have acomplishments beyond the scale? which HAS NOT budged in a few months! I lose and gain the same 10lbs :( that is a whole different blog... I hate platues! 

 i AM bipolar. I AM NOT ADHD... well the Dr is not so sure.... he said I am borderline ADHD & decided to put me on an ADHD drug, called vyvanse- it has 2 side effects that I have gotten. Nausea and irritability. after bouty 4 bites I can not eat any more because I want to throw up! I have TONS of energy, which is the point of the drug, but I am ready to bite everyones head off! 

then theres the 'crash' after about 8 hours I feel like all i want to fdo is sleep! the Dr may put me on dose 2x a day, but I am not sure... I go to work, bust my butt doing more than i would normally do and then have energy to go to the gym again. I do ahve to deal with the feelings of depression... we may also try an anti-depressant... we shall see...

 i am in the losing phase where I am no longer a "before" but not yet an "after", I am just me. It is hard to know who I am anymore though. I opted to not do surgery, and it seems as though every sign from God is that I made the right choice... FOR ME... but its so hard to see all the losers and know I am not as fast as any of them. IT perpetuated the feelings I have had all my life, im good, just not as good as.. (fill in the blank)... I am working on not comparing myself to anyone but it is HARD to do! 

as far as my weight loss goes, when I set my goal for next week (mini vacation), i had far bigger expectations. I hoped I would have lost a lot more, but with a 2 month stall and 2 month depression that took priority, I am still 20lbs away from where I would have liked to be. It is HARD not to be disapointed. It is also hard to look at my small triumphs and say hey atleast you did this!

So here are some of my "non scale acheivements" I can now look at my plate with food still on it and say "nope, Im not hungry anymore" I can now sit and decided that I am thirsty, not hungry. I can now allow myself a good cry instead of burring my grief in food.

I still have days where I feel like a bottoms less pit, I still have days where I feel full but want more food for some unknown reason. I still get frustrated when I dont go to the gym, but cant bring myslef to go. I still feel unworthy of my "treats" (non food) 

it is all progress. I WILL have my "after" moment. But for now, I am going to enjoy the between!

 I had an appointment with a new Dr. he has been my families DR for years but I had a different one and after mine had missed a few things i felt were crutial to my health (a 5cM endometrioma...PCOS... ect) SO this new DR wants to HELP me lose the weight. Although I dont agree with him totally (he says our bodies are designed to hold onto the weight....) he suguests the Sugar busters diet, or south beach... both would have to be a life style change! he addressed hunger (which most of the time is not an issue, for me it is 99.9% in my head!) and diagnosed me through symptoms alone as Bi-polar( I have had a previouis diagnosis of this and he agreed with it and found my symptoms conducive to the disorder) 
NOW here is my $1000000000 question.... i was prescribed 3 drugs, metformin, birthcontrol and lomictal. Lomictal is a class C pregnancy drug.... lomictal also states under its drug interactions that it may render hormonal (Oral) contraceptives useless....  

Pregnancy Category C

Animal reproduction studies have shown an adverse effect on the fetus and there are no adequate and well-controlled studies in humans, but potential benefits may warrant use of the drug in pregnant women despite potential risks.

WHY DOC???? 

So, some of the side effects, are loss of appetite..check... and diarehea....check... He suguests utilizing the time to eat less and so the induction of the new eating lifestyle may come easier. When i brought up the idea of a ELC diet he was hesitant b/c of how much exercizing I do. I was/ am frustrated about my platue (for over a month) but even more frustrated with this depression. I am hoping to see signs of improvement and get back to the gym in a week or so, he said the depression may lessen in 2 weeks but the full effect may take 2-4 months. IF this is the right drug for me. 
He also wants me to talk to a therapist (ive been procrastinating) to help with WHY i ahve eating issues and help with the bipolar. After talking to my 7year olds counceler yesturday, i feel I also need to get her and her sister into see one, they have residual issues from my seperation 2 years ago. I also dont want my obvious obsession with weight to rub off on her verry impressional mind!

So wish me luck! 

 So here we go again! this is my weeks exercise to date... mon 50.5 min 5k, weightliftiting for an hour. Tue 50.5 min 5k, hour weight lifting and an hour of Zumba... wed break just stretching, thur 45min 5k, hour weightlifting, 20 min stretching and hour Zumba, Fri just 50 min 5k, sat am 30 min weights and hour Zumba..... 
drum roll please.. NO WEIGHTLOSS!!!!!!! I didnt george! i harldy ate! I drank water and when I thought I was saved by the measuring tape, I almost cried when I had to ADD to my measurments! I am ready to cry now! I have to take  nap! (i sleep durring the day and work at night) I know muscle weighs more than fat but come on i added 2 inchs to my weist!!! I hate my body! I feel great so Im gonna keep working out but I feel like crap not losing a thing!