Kristin J
Adjustable Gastric Banding - here I come!
I am 5'4 and started at 242. My goal is 140.
I am grateful for this site and am so touched by all of the support and love shown between its members! I am 32 years old and have 3 young children (all boys) who have ENDLESS energy. Unfortunately, their big fat mom has ZERO energy and I feel that they are missing out on so much. I feel that I am missing out, too -- I feel like a ghost mom because I am not in pictures, go to very few events, and prefer to stay home most of the time. I am ready to be an active participant in their lives and take control of my own destiny as well. After two years of passively researching WLS, I have set my sights on Lap-Band surgery and am now in the process. I am anxious and excited about my next phase of life - my path towards health!
7/26/04: Attended seminar at St. R's for Dr. V's office. I completed a letter of intent, to show that I am very interested in pursuing WLS. I left excited about my new knowledge and can't wait for the office to call for my first appointment!
7/27/04: Contacted my insurance company and confirmed that they are out of netowrk, so they will cover 80%. Made an appointment with my PCP for 8/10. Completed my pre-reg forms for Dr. V.
8/6/04: I got my first consult appt! It is on 8/11. He asked when I was hoping to have the surgery and I said in October, but told him that I knew that was probably being too optimistic. He said that Ocotber should be no problem!!! I can't lose the smile.
8/11/04: Yesterday was my youngest son's birthday (Owen) - he turned two! Which of ocurse meant cake...and pizza and ... you name it! ugh... I also went to my PCP to see if she would write me a letter of recommendation. She said she would!!! YEAH!! She was so supportive and asked me lots of questions. She wants me to keep her informed of my progress so she can refer other patients to my doctor. I was PSYCHEd to say the least. She calculated my BMI as 39.9, so I asked her how. The nurse claimed I was 5'5.5"!!!! Yeah - if it is possible to gain weight in HEIGHT!!! I have not been over 5'4" since high school. But today I went for my first consult and **shock** I was 5'4".
Debbie, the head nurse, was so friendly and funny. We had more of a chat than anything else. She made me feel so comfortable with the office and the procedure. She also made me feel good because she said I was "little" so I could get weighed in on the smaller scale. (I have NEVER been called "little".) She also told me that my goal weight of 130 is too low -- that I would be too skinny. (Can you imagine?) She thought 140 is a better goal weight for me. I weighed in at 240. I made my appointment for the nutritionist - 8/24 and left a message for the psych consult to call me back. Things are moving!!! This couldn't come fast enough.
MORE TODAY: Feeling down. Spoke with my insurance company because I had to pay $150 for my consult today! They told me now that since this Dr is out of network I will have to pay 40% AND the first $500 for a deductable!!!! That would be about $10k in all. This is a FAR different story then I was told originally. I really don't want to switch offices just because of insurance!!!!! UGH!!!!!
8/16/04: OK...I had time to breathe...much more relxed now. I am writing a letter of appeal to UHC to consider my Dr in network, because there are no other drs in the area that perform this type of WLS. I spoke with the head nurse (Debbie-who is wonderful) and she calmed me -- UHC will cover the hospital portion so I should have about $3200 out of pocket, which is what I had hoped for. (Thanks mom & dad for the loan!!) When Debbie called, she told me that my blood test had come back and that my insulin levels are high -- something I probably would not have known until it was too late if it had not been for this surgery. All signs are pointing to this surgery -- I am looking forward to my psych consult on 8/21 (my DH's bday) and my nutritionist appt on 8/24. Will start bugging my PCP about my referral letter on Wednesday.... will start harassing the ins co once paperwork is submitted and I have a claim number.... hmm--too bad harassment isn't a form of exercise!
8/18/04: I attended a required monthly support group meeting tonight and left with mixed feelings. (Still want the band - I don't ever think twice about that now!) I liked that they went through the whole hospital stay - and that they showed all of these horrible catheders and various body part plugs -- and that after almost each of them the nurse said: "For people who are being banded, this does not apply." Can I get a WOOO-HOO!! I asked if there were separate support groups for LB's vs. RNY's and was told that both groups go through the exact same experience. Based on the main and LB message boards, I really tend not to agree with that. I would LOVE to have a local and separate LB support group to go to. We will see. Have to go get my cholesterol levels checked -- more blood tests. My birthday is 10/8- I am hoping this can be my birthday present to myself. I hope ins will cooperate with my plans!
8/23/04: I met with the psych (Chris) on Sat. The meeting went very well. He is a great person and made me feel so comfortable. He really confirmed for me that I was making the right decision - even though I went in prepared to defend my reasoning! I meet with the nutrtionist tomorrow and go on the ever popular 5 day protein sparing diet. I have to successfully complete it before they will submit for insurance approval. I forgot to call my PCP about my letter - damn- I will have to call her tomorrow. I sent in my picture today - which I hate -- and I can't wait to be able to send an updated one where I don't look so much like a boy. Ugh - I HATE being fat.
8/24/04: I saw the nutritionist today (Diana). She agrees that I am a good lap-band candidate because I am more of a voume eater rather than sweets eater. I do have to work on the snacks though -- I know, I know.. I have to start my 5 day protein diet tomorrow & get tested on Monday -- so this will be a long weekend for me! I have already warned my kids that I will be grumpy. I have my pre-op small group meeting scheduled for 9/9! Moving right along.
8/31/04: I passed my protein sparing test! Max (4 YO) told me "great job mom - now you can drink coffee again!" lol. Now I am waiting for them to give me a tentative surgery date. Bob's grandfather passed away yesterday -- he was very old (96) but it came out of the blue, and we are all stunned and sad. He led such a healthy and fufilled life. Now I know more than ever that I need to do this - to become healthy and finally take control of my life. Looking forward to a date, the office submitting for ins approval, and the 9/9 small group meeting.
9/1/04: Happy September! MY DR SENT FOR INSURANCE APPROVAL TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! More to come....
9/2/04: First of all - I have to put a note in here to say that Sweetie Beanie - Dana- isthe absolute BEST. We were in the chatroom last night until 2:00am and she just gave me so much to think about and really made me feel so confident in my decision. "My weight won't change the things I can't control" and I have no expectation of that happening. It was just so reassuring to seak to someone - one on one -- who has been through this, and who has faced problems with this, and yet who still shines like the brightest star. THANK YOU DANA! Our talk did more for me than all of my research has.
I just spoke with the dr's office - I have a date!!! 10/1/04!!! Now to call the ins co and bug the crap out of them to make sure it all gets approved in a "timely manner". Dana had said she started eating low carb prior to syrgery which sounds like a smart plan. I am planning on grocery shopping today -- I think I am going to start that as well. I have been emailing two other patients of Dr v's - Julie and Carmen. Both will be at the 9/9 meeting. I am excited to meet them both!! :)
9/7/04: Kind of sad today -- spoke with the dreaded insurance company. My dr's office sent them the packet 1 week ago today -- they say their policy is that they have 10 days to enter in any pre-determination request, and then an addition 20-35 days to review it. UP TO 45 F'N DAYS!!?!?!?!?!!?! You have GOT to be kidding me!!!! So although my drs office gave me a date - it doesn't look like it will stick...more time to prepare I guess
9/14/04: Good news bad news.... I am offically approved -- on the first try!!! I was SO EXCITED. I called my dr's office to let them know, so I could have my pre-op tests scheduled (10/1 surgery date). He told me that the pre-op testing dates were now closed for this session, and that hopefully they could get me into the 10/15 surgery date, with the pre-op testing dates that go with that date. I was really down about it. I know I am being a brat -- I only have to wait 2 extra weeks. There are people who are never approved - or who have to go through hoops trying to appeal - or who have to pay 100% for this surgery! And I am upset that I have to wait 2 extra weeks? OK--glad I talked myself through that one. I will shut up now. I am excited to start shopping for pre-op and post-op requirements - food, hospital stay stuff, post-op diet stuff, etc. And I need to take my measurements!!!! OK-I have officially one month from tomorrow to fully get my house, my family, and myself prepared for this. And I need to stop smiling or I will get lock jaw.
9/15/04: I got the call from my dr's office - they received the insurance approval and have scheduled me for 10/8!!! I am very excited. Since I made the final decision to go through with this process, I have always said that this is the best birthday present I can give myself. And guess when my birthday is ? Yup - October 8th. So I will be celebrating my new life on my birthday (in the hospital...) with a toast of broth or SF jello. And you know what? I couldn't be happier about it. Time to start preparing the house, the cubbards, shopping, etc....
9/19/04: Tomorrow morning I go in for my chest xray, blood tests and ECG. Hospital tests will finally make this all seem real! -- like I can actually reach the goal in all of this. (Atleast the intial goal which is actually HAVING the surgery! lol) I know that the *fatness* is like part of a disfunctional family -- I am wondering how much my losing weight will affect the relationships I have with family members. I hope when I am on this journey, everyone will see how happy I am, and how ready I am to commit to this new way of living.
9/22/04: 11 more days to go!!!! I did not post after my hospital visit -- evrything went well. The people who work at St. R's are SO nice. I have a good feeling about the staff so far. The tests were harmless -- the only thing that *hurt* was having to lie half naked with the girls hanging out on a cold table while the nurse performed the EKG. Thank goodness it wasn;t a male nurse. Now I am having visions of the naked unveiling of my big fat body on the OR table. Must be extra careful to groom *everything*. lol. That's it for now.
9/30/04: Just came back from meeting Dr. V. I also had my pre-surg meeting with Debbie, who told me about what to expect the day of surgery. I told her about my upper resp infection & she said to rest as much as possible, drink a lot of broth, take my meds & the anesthesiologist will make a determination the day before surgery. *fingers crossed* The meeting with Dr V went well - I joked that since he is operating on me on my birthday that maybe he could give me a tummy tuck, too? He laughed and said "how about for your anniversary?" He told me I should be able to lose 100 lbs in a year if I stick with the program. I left feeling on top of the world -- knowing that this is the right decision for me. The endoscopy os 10/7 and surgery is set for 10/8!!! I start the pre-op diet on Saturday. Must plan out menus so I don't stray...
10/5: Well this is day 4 of my big 5 day pre-op diet -- and I have yet to be able to stick to it!!! OMG I hope my liver isn;t absolutely HUGE during surgery... Its just been very tough for me--I am faced with the stress of surgery, well nto the surgery itself, but the afterpart. Already mourning the fact that food won't be a big part of my life anymore, and have looked for comfort. And where do I go for comfort? Ahhh---food!! So how is someone who is an emoitonal eater and a volume eater, supposed to eat like a pigeon in the five days before a stressful event??? LOL. Thursday is my endoscopy & the fleets drink-so it will be a full liquids day. I am going to try to do all liquids tomorrow too. Must stay focused!!
I am changing the kids clothes over for the seasons, and found totes and totes full of clothes that I can't wait to fit in to and then grow out of!! I put 2 totes full in my closet and I am hoping to open it again on Christmas to see what fits. It isn;t my tiny stuff--or my goal stuff--but my "it-should-fit-in 20-pounds" stuff. Let's hope!!!
The dreaded BEFORE Pictures:
10/11/04: Well.......I'm banded!!!!!! I am hoping I can remember everything - I will try!
1st off-I had my endoscopy on 10/7 and it went fine. My friend told me that the stuff they spray in your mouth to numb it smells like bananas and tastes like sh*t--and that is the PERFECT description!!! I even told the nurse and she laughed. It was quick and painless-I just kept my eyes closed.
I came home from the endoscopy and had to drink the Fleets Phosphosoda which was NASTY to say the VERY least. I almost thre up on the last swig. I drank it like a shot and then chugged the water as a chaser. Then did the 2nd shot and chugged again. Within 20 minutes I was in the bathroom, and must have gone 20 times that night! To the point that I got a rash - it was awful!!! Very painful, but it cleaned me out! I lost 5 pounds on that day alone!!
Friday 10/8 (my birthday!) I had to be at the hospital at 9 for an 11 surgery. I got to change right away into my lovely johnny coat and was asked the same 1000 questions. They took a blood sample, weighedme, and gave me a shot of Heppren (or Lovenox)--those are both blood thinners. I had to have two shots a day of these in the stomach. It did not hurt at all, although after surgery the medicine did sting a little bit, like a bee sting. The shot itself wasn;t even a prick. I was wheeled to a holding room where I had to say goodbye to my husband -- and where I started to cry. The reality of surgery hit me, and the chance of something bad happening, and all of those emotions--and it just hurt to say goodbye. I had written him an email. Not a "just in case I die I love you" email, but an email that said a lot of things that we forget to say, things we take for granted. I told him I sent it ans wheeled away. I stayed there for about 15 minutes and met with the anesthesiologist and a few nurses. Everyone wished me Happy Birthday along the way. They wheeled me into the OR and I had to scoot onto the OR table. It was so narrow - but my butt didn;t fall over the sides!! I was very excited. They had put boots on me--things that hug your calfs--and they plugged them in. They contracted to decrease the risk of blood clots in the legs. It actually felt nice at first--I told them I was going to close my eyes and imagine that a cute boy named Sven was massagin my legs. They all laughed. Then the anes. guy told me he was putting the juice into my IV and they put the oxygen mask on me. I kep my eyes closed the whole time, scared I guess? I woke up in the recovery room at 2:15, but it seems liked only minutes later. I felt fine, just sleepy. After a couple of hours they brought me to my room by stretcher.
I had to get down off the stretcher and walk a few feet to my room, so I asked if I could take a walk since I was already up. I did two laps around the nurse's station and went to my room. I am SO GLAD that I walked as much as I did. It really is SO important. I was just tired on Friday night--so tired that I even told my husband to go home so I could sleep. I had a very restless sleep--sleep for 1/2 hour and then wake up for 1/2 hour. I had to keep track of my "output" by peeing into a "hat" that sits in the toilet. I peed so much though that they had to decrease my IV fluids. This ended up being a good thing because I didn;t gain any weight in the hospital! I was able to shower on Saturday--thye nurse covered all of my incisions with this sticky plastic guard and the shower felt GREAT!! I couldn't wait to go home though!
My barium swallow was scheduled for 9:30, but ended up being at 11:45am. The drink was nasty-much like the fleets. If I had thought about it too much I probably would have gotten sick. I kept thinking "don't get sick don't throw up". I watched the screen and saw it go through my stomach -- and no leaks were found!! The technician showed me where the band was and the port--it was very cool to see. I asked him to look around and make sure he didn;t see any stray scissors or anything. It was pretty funny. I still couldn;t drink though until some expert looked at my chart.
By 3:00pm, the nurse told me that I should just start phase one of the diet or there would be no chance of me getting out. Phase 1 is 1 oz of water per hour for 3 hours. No problem. Then phase 2 which is 3 oz of broth, SF jello or decarb diet gingerale per hour for 2 hours. They gave me nasty yellow jello though!! I wanted to cry! I took a few small bites but wasn;t hungry. The nurse told me if I wasn;t hungry I shouldn't eat. By 6:30 I had a fever--101, and she was trying to contact the doctor to see if I could leave. By 7:30 I was able to go--fever was down to 100.
It was SO GOOD to be home!!! I HATED my roommate! She snored, kept her tv on all night--and actually FOOLED AROUND with her boyfriend while I was just a curtain away! It was DISGUSTING! I couldn't wait to leave!
My husband picked up my prescpription -- Tylenol with Codeine. I was in a lot of discomfort Saturday night and couldn;t get comfortable. I took the meds and layed down and just started crying. I told my husband that it hurt so bad, and why did I do this, and how long will it take to get better? The drugs eventually kicked in and I was able to very comfortably sleep on my side.
I didn't get to sign on to the computer until Sunday evening and I was BLOWN AWAY by all of the support I was given. I cried! The emails and posts were just unbelieveable! My husband said he wanted to surprise me by printing them off and bringing them to the hospital - but there were too many!! Oh -- I felt the love!! I love this board!! Well that's my story -- I will write more about how I am doing as things change!!!
***BTW--I am already KNOWING that this was the best thing I could have done for myself!!!***
10/20/04: I thought I would be one to write every day--but life seems so crazy right now, I haven't even been able to read the posts let alone write anything on my profile! Well I weighed in at 226 today--after a 4 day stall at 227. Its frustrating to be eating next to nothing and not to see any weight come off. I have not been very good with my water though and yesterday I forgot to have my protein drink!! So its no wonder I was in a stall. I go today to get these *&^&%^$$%@#@# stitches taken out--I think I have an allergic reaction to them being in so long--each incision is hot and is in the middle of a hard red welt. I was supposed to go in tomorrow but called to complain of the itchiness & was offered an appointment today instead. I have quiche this morning with no problem. I have actually eaten something "off list" every day since I think day 5 and I only had one problem. That time I pb'd -- out of habit I grabbed a few fries from my sons happy meal and barely chewed them. Wow--did my band ever tell me I had done something wrong! And the people in the Walmart parking lot found out that I had done something wrong too LOL. Well off to the doctor & then to my support group meeting!
11/10/04: Well, it has been so long since I have written here -- I think mostly because I have not had the same loss that others have experienced, and I didn't want to report that there was nothing to report! I am finding more and more people are in the same boat--little or no restriction. I go in for my first fill on 11/17 and I am hoping it will give me some restriction and I can get this loss started! I am trying to be patient--in the mean time I posted thsi yesterday so everyone going through the same thing as I am knows they are not alone:
It is so wonderful to hear all of the amazing success stories on here every day – they are so inspirational and I am so excited each time I read about people’s incredible SV’s and NSV’s! I know though that there are many people (myself included) who haven’t had that same success—maybe because they aren’t filled to proper restriction, maybe they aren’t following “band rules”, or maybe their doctor hasn’t informed them well enough on how to “do” this. Whatever the reason—for those of you who aren’t losing 20 pounds every month or who aren’t seeing a difference on the scale or in your clothes – we are not failures!! Please don’t feel like your voice doesn’t count here.
Before my surgery Dana (the ever-wonderful Sweetie Beanie) challenged me – she made me look inside my heart and ask myself if I could handle it if I was one of the ones who didn’t get a quick start to weight loss. She really made me take a hard look at myself and I had to face the fact that maybe I would be one who wouldn’t have restriction right away and would really have to work HARD at this to make it work. I am SO grateful for that talk – because if she hadn’t mentally prepared me for this possibility—I would be hidden in my closet right now with a box of **fill in your favorite junk food here**, sabotaging all of my efforts.
For those of us who are struggling with losing, with food addictions, with trying to get started on an exercise program, with adapting to this new way of life – I just want you to know that you are not alone!!! I have received so many emails from amazing people on this board who are going through this RIGHT NOW – we shouldn’t be afraid to post when things aren’t going as well as we had hoped. We WILL have the same success that everyone else is having—we are not losing the race – we are just off to a slow start. I am not worried and I hope you aren’t either!!! If anyone is going through this please feel free to email me—I would be happy to lend a shoulder!!
Good luck to everyone in your journey!!
Kristin J
11/17/04: I had my first fill today - yeaaaaahhh!!! I am keeping my fingers crossed that this will help me some. The fill itself was nothing! The only thing that hurt in the least bit was the shot of numbing meds; after that I really felt nothing. I didn't like the PA that gave me the fill though--she was kind of taking her time so I told her that I was just going to close my eyes because I don't like needles and she said "Well I guess you had the wrong surgery then." WTF!?!?!?!?!? Then she spent almost the rest of the appt scolding me for eating some eggplant parmesan last night. I had to fill our a sheet of everything I ate yesterday. Well--I can tolerate anything and can still eat big quantities--I didn't want to lie and say I was eating bird food, so I told the truth. Lesson learned: I will NEVER do that again!!!!! I tried to tell her that it was the only time in my 6 weeks since surgery that I had eaten that and that normally my meals aren't fried or cheesy -- and she just didn't want to hear anything I had to say. So I am all fired up now to lose weight and to lie and tell her I ate eggplant parm every day -- LOL. I'll tell her I invented the "eggplant parm diet"--the new revolution. I just wanted to knock her over!! Skinny little thing tellng me what I should and shouldn't be eating -- I KNOW. Ugh. OK--rant officially over. OK--so wish me luck that this will kick in--and I will promise that I won't even utter the words eggplant parm for the next 8 weeks! :) Bye for now.
11/20/04: I am afraid to jinx myself...but I think I might actually have some restriction!! I had my first fill Weds and weighed in at 230 at the dr's office -- it is Saturday and I weighed in at 223. We went to Ikea and hadn't eaten lucnh, so we all got hot dogs on the way out. I barely got half way through and knew it was time to stop. We got home late and ordered Chinese -- I ate a FRACTION of what I did before my fill -- and kept mostly to the beef and chicken, and didn't try any rice. I am SO full now and am looking forward to finishing off my liquids for the day. Wow--can you imagine if I actually have some restriction through the next 8 weeks?!!?!??! Ahhhh.....to go back to that skinny little b*tch on January 21st for my second fill and have actually lost some weight.... Now THAT would be a nice way to start off the New Year!
12/31/04: Wow its been awhile since I wrote! Not much to report though. I am stuck at 217, which is -25 total. I am happy with that, but I don't always make the right choices, so I have been gaining and losing the same 2-3 pounds over the last 2-3 weeks. Although I am glad to be back at my low, if I had been "better" I could have lost about 7 pounds in that time! Its frustrating when you only have yourself to blame. Still, I am confident in the process and in the procedure. I know that I am back to nearly no restriction. We went to Subway for lunch yesterday and I ordered a 6 inch meatball sub, planning on using a fork and only eating the meat out of it. I tore off the bread ends and started in the middle, and by the end of it I was able to get all of the sandwhich down without a hint of struggle! Thats with no sipping or anything! I am glad to be starting the new year with this wonderful tool though. I am going to plan out my goals for 2005 tonight and hang them somewhere so I can look at them from time to time. I know in my heart 2005 will be a great year for me, as it will be for so many people on this board. I am looking forward to hearing all of the success stories! My aunt had surgery 12/20 and has already lost 26 pounds! I am so happy for her, but it is a reminder to me that with diligence I could have better success, too. My next fill is 1/21 and I am really looking forward to it. I am going to try to change my snacking patterns--I can still eat a whole bag of microwave popcorn! As of today I have 77 pounds to lose to reach my goal. I CAN do this! I actually feel empowered and excited for the challenge, because I know I have the best tool possible for the job - and its IN me! A tool that I literally hold close to my heart. I am a true believer in fate. I know in my heart there was a reason why everything fell in place this year and that I am starting off 2005 with this wonderful tool in place. I am so thankful for the magic that had to happen to make it all possible! OK, before I sign off...maybe a hard copy of my mini weight loss goals for 2005:
#1: 217 -- a -25 pound loss DONE: 12/04 (I forget the date!)
#2: 209 -- highest non pregnant weight & the lowest I have gotten to losing on my own. DONE: 2/9/05
#3: 203 -- BMI = "Obese" DONE 3/19/05 (202!)
#4: 199 -- WOW I can't wait to be in one-derland! DONE 3/27/05
#5: 172 -- Wedding day weight & when my BMI will only be "Overweight!" DONE 8/05!
#6: 150 -- 10 pounds to goal
#7: 140 -- My doctor-set goal & BMI = "Normal"!
#8: 135 -- Depending on how I feel at 140....
OK and for the non-scale victories/goals:
Exercise regularly
Stop mindless snacking on "bad" things!
Daily water
1/2/05: I had to write that I finally broke my 2 ½ (almost 3!) week plateau and got to 216 today! Yeah! That’s -26 and only 4 more to go before I reach -30, – 8 more to go to get to my next weight loss mini goal. I am very excited!
1/21/05: Back from my second fill. I have to say that the same skinny blonde PA did this fill - but she was *COMPLETELY* different--so kind and encouraging. I was shocked & pleasantly surprised. It was a really good visit. I have gone up since my stomach bug incident (up to 218) -- and am down a total of 21 per their scale. She told me that because I am still losing between 1-2 pounds per week that I am exactly where I should be for loss, so no additional fills will be considered for me! I started exercising this week though, which she feels will really help kick start my loss, so I feel motivated...for now at least! I am at 2.0cc and am keeping my fingers crossed that it brings me some restriction. I spoke to the woman who got filled before me and she has lost 52 pounds since her surgery which was just 3 weeks before mine! I told the PA how that discouraged me, but she said that that woman works out like crazy -- 1 1/2 hours per day at LEAST and NEVER has a carb at all. I guess part of this process is deciding what our limits are. I am doing this for life--and want to create healthy habits that I can realistically maintain forever -- no more yo yo diets for me, please!
What's it like to get a fill?
Every office is different --but this is how mine goes. My office does fills under ultrasound, so there is no radiation. I lay on the table and she squirts jelly on my port site and uses the ultrasound to locate my port, and verifies that it is still in good position. Then she wipes it clean & gives me a shot of numbing medication. She says the words "sting sting sting burn burn burn" and literally - thats how it feels! The needle is like a 3 second bee sting, and then the medicine burns very briefly, and then I feel nothing. Then she puts in a needle and pulls out the old fill and makes sure it is the same as what went in last, and then puts in fresh new saline; puts on a band aid and the fill is done. She gives me a small dixie cup of water and has me wait in the waiting room, sipping the water to make sure it can go down, and when its done, I can go!
2/2/05: OK--so in one month I have lost a whopping 1 pound! BUT--its the BEST one pound; I have gone from 213 to 218 and back down -- back up and back down, but never down to 212 which is my official 30 pound loss. Now I have officially lost what I tell everyone I've lost - LOL. Its been a tough ride with this band so far -- and its weird to me sometimes how it works. How can I eat a half a piece of chicken and be almost golfball-in-the-chest-full, and yet then decide to have a cookie or a a cracker -- and it goes right down past the golfball and I'm fine-? Then--try another bite of chicken and no way its going down! I just don't get it. Oh well-I am focusing on making better choices, which, along with my restriction must be what has helped me over this plateau hump. I had been exercising, too, but because the scale wasn't moving I got a bit discouraged with it and stopped since Friday (4 days ago). I guess now I will get right back up and start again!!
3/6/05: I had a big pity party for myself last night -- I am back to low restriction and my doc's office won't consider fills before 8 weeks have past, so it will be a struggle for me to keep at the same weight for the next few weeks let alone try to lose. So last night's pity party was a "woe-is-me" "my loss is so slow" "I wish I could lose like an RNY'er" one... My husband was very supportive and reminded me how far I've come - -35 (almost lol) is so great and blah blah blah. Well today I updated my picturetrail and got to see my face from 242 and my face from 209 and wow - what a difference! I think we lose sight of our changes because day to day they are so subtle- but over weeks or months, the changes are huge! It was very inspiring and I have officially ended my pity party. I have been shopping a lot lately - yes, I know I will be in a smaller size someday.. but it feels so damn good to shop at Old Navy and know that there are sizes there that fit me and that I actually "belong" there. I shopped next to a pretty little thing - probably a size 6--and it felt AWESOME! So although I am not overindulging myself in shopping sprees-it does feel good to look!!! I have always said that "slow and steady" will be my course for this process, and it is ending up slow and irratically unsteady. Ho-hum and a big S*I*G*H* and a kick in the pants to get me exercising more. I have my sights set on seeing 199.... its like stars in my eyes I want it so bad!!! Must work to get to it though. Bye for now---
3/10/05: Thank you to my whining..ugh I hate to do that...I got my 3rd fill early. I am at 2.75cc in my 4cc band & am hoping beyond hope that this one helps me!!! My next fill is scheduled for 6 weeks. She told me to up my exercise to 3-4x per week and to stop eating popcorn. MAN I LOVE popcorn though! Who would have thought that popcorn would be one of my biggest vices? 3 days liquids and 3 days mushies before real food -- **fingers crossed** that restriction sets in by day 7.
3/19/05: I no longer could qualify for this surgery!!! My BMI is 34.9 and i have lost 40 pounds. I am thrilled!!! People are really starting to notice - no one has asked me how I am doing it, but I plan on being open about it. Its funny though--because I could say "Well I am eating less and making healthier choices" and I wouldn't be lying at all--but I will be open if asked. I want to tell everyone who has struggled with weight loss that there IS an answer out there! Loving my band right now and loving restriction!
3/27/05: Happy Easter and please get the candy AWAY from me!!!! lol Well today is a HUGE day for me - I hit 199!!!!! I haven't weighed this for 9 years - since the year before I got pregnant with my oldest son. I remember being that weight and seeing pictures and thinking how fat I was. Its funny because now I am glad that I am "that" fat!!! Its funny how this journey puts things into better perspective for you!!! I finally told my husband how much I weigh -- he is MAYBE 175 soaking wet. That was a big step for me - he has never pushed to know, but gently asked if he was allowed to know. Well I have my eyes set on the next 7 pounds which will bring me to the half way mark that my doctor set for me. A friend & I are looking into a good gym to join together which would be SO good for me right now!!! I am just loving life and loving this band right now!! Oh--and loving restriction!!!!
4/6/05: Finally down 45 pounds. We went shopping this weekend for a dress for me for a wedding we have to go to - I was shocked to try on 20's but too big -then 18's but too big - then 16's!!! I bought pants that were 16 and 18 and a 16 dress! I was BEAMING all day - it was an amazing feeling!! It all is finally real - the reasons why I did this are having affect now. I don't make the right choices all of the time and I don't exercise, so it is my own fault that I haven't lost faster. I am 5 pounds away from my doctor's half way point, and 2 days away from my 6 month band anniversary. Based on that, I probably won't make it to goal by my one year, but I am OK with that now, because now I see that it can be done. So for anyone out there wondering -- YES it CAN be done!!!!
4/17/05: The last 2 weeks have been tough -- because the fill loss is slowing down and I REALLY tested myself & ate very badly. I got the control back though and am down to 195, so -47 which I am very happy about! I realized that once I get to my goal, whatever that is, I need to be sure that I never let myself do this again -- I have to give myself a 5 pound "range" up or down -- and if it goes to above 6, then I have to hop on it & get serious and strict with my eating & exercising until its back to under 5 -- no more excuses, no more rationalizing, no more letting myself be forgiven for bad choices. I still don't know how I could have let myself gain 100 pounds. You would think that somewhere down the road I would have looked at my weight and said enough is enough. No--I had to get to a point where surgery was my option. I hope that with this band I will learn to treat my body better -- no more taking my health for granted. 3 pounds to -50 and 4 pounds to my half way mark. I hope to be to half way by my 7 month mark.
5/3/05: I am officially down 50 pounds and in a size 16! I went to a wedding this weekend and had SO much fun. I didn't hide at my table - I danced all night! I think I might be too tight and am considering a slight unfill. My next appointment is 5/19, so I might just keep it & have her reload new saline at a little lower level. I'm not hungry and eat small portions, but I have been pb'ing a lot lately and wondering if I am actually eating too little.
5/12/05: I am 188 which is 10 pounds away from weighing the same as my husband -- I know this might sound like a lame thing to be excited about - because its kind of disgusting that I have weighed so much more than him for so long--but the fact that I am FINALLY closing in on him & going to actually weigh LESS than him FINALLY is just --well--AWESOME! It makes me feel like a girl again -- like something pretty--the way all women should feel at any age or any size. I have felt like the big football lineman (because I weighed as much as they do) for so long -- it feels good to be settling into a smaller size. To say that I am enjoying myself and my life right now is a huge understatement.
5/20/05: I had my fourth fill yesterday - just a tweaking up to 2.9 from 2.75. I went from (on their scale) 213 to 191 from my last fill (dressed and in the afternoon)> Our scales match actually and I was 187 this morning (189 yesterday) so I am back to -55. I hope this fill gets me to the perfect sweet spot. I found out that I am getting a reimbursement my my doctor too which is even more to be excited about! Time to go shopping!! My husband weighed 181 this morning -- so I am 6 pounds away from him. I think I'll feed him big macs all week while I eat like a mouse lol. So thats my next big goal -- and then 172 which was my wedding day weight. I HAVE to stop shopping!! I have been buying clothes like crazy and really need to stop.
7/18/05: Its been so long since I have been here! My computer was infected with a virus so I had no access & then we were out of our house for a few weeks during some renovations and then vacation, but I'm back!!!!! I am still plugging away slowly at the loss- still haven;t started exercising officially but I am at a point where I actually WANT to start, which is weird for me!!! I am 2 pounds away from being "Overweight" which just amazes me. This is a great tool - I am so grateful to have found it!!!! I have missed the board so much and can't wait to get back on it!!!
8/20/05: Its amazing how much slower the loss is now -- but I really can see changes in my body and know I will get to my goal. I bought size 12 jeans today -- I started in a size 24, so its like I am half the size I was! I am on cloud 9 -- and now it really does not matter how much I lose by my one year mark - I am healthier, happier and more confident than I have ever been! This surgery does more than just take weight off - it helps you become the confident self assured person that you should be no matter what the number on the scale says! I am -72 right now, and one pound away from being in the 160's. Life is good! :)
8/28/05: Well it seemed to take forever but I finally reached 169! I am a definate size 12 which feels amazing. I am starting to "officially" have issues arise in my marriage, a point which I knew would come with my new found confidence and security. I don't know if we will be able to work things out - "things" have been the same for so long that I don't know if it can change now. This surgery has been a journey which has been great so far - but now I am delving into the lifelong altering part which is scary. I hope it works out for the best.
9/21/05: I joined a gym - FINALLY- and am really happy that I finally did it. I joined with 2 girlfriends, so I hope that will help keep me motivated until I reach a point where I really love to go "just because." One friend and I signed up for 10 weeks of boot camp with a tough personal trainer. I am hoping he whips our butts into shape. We had our first workout with him yesterday and my legs STILL feel like lead. The scale has been pretty much stuck in the same 3 pound range for atleast a month which is frustrating, but I feel at this point that it is due to my choices and not my restriction level. I hope the gym will help re-motivate me to stay on track. I have big changes coming though--big life changes that are causing me stress and turning me to food. I think I am headed for a divorce...wow, its hard to type those words. Nothing weight-loss related, except of course for the self-confidence I now have not to put up with crap. I am a stay at home mom of 3 though -- my whole world is about to change. New (and MUCH smaller) house, new job, new town?, new life. I don't even know where to start. Signing off for now though...
10/3/05: OK so its just days away from my one year mark AND my 34th birthday, and I am officially down about having plateaued for 2 months. I am going to call tomorrow for a fill appointment. I am definately eating more now that before and need some help from my band. So my low so far was 167 and I am at 170. I HATE going back up into a weight horizon that I have dropped out of. It should be downwards only, doesn;t my scale know that!?!?! AND I made such a big mistake - I bought one of those f*ing scales that tells you your weight, body fat % and the # calories you need to ocnsume per day to maintain your big old fat self. It is S Odepressing to get on the scale -- could I REALLY be eating 2400 calories a day and that is why I am stuck at this weight??? So yes, it has become frustrating and a bit of a downer. I had such high hopes to be -100 by my one year mark, and know that there have been things I could have/should have/would have done to help accomplish that. By-gones, right? I am exercising now and going to get a fill to help me finish the job. I haven't posted a new pic in so long - I don't have one I really like, but I'll add one in from my -70 pound loss just for comparison.
10/10/05: Well I had a great birthday & bandiversary. I got LOTS of clothes all in size large and size 12!!! I put on a fashion show for my aunt, sister & mom, and had so much fun. I don't love all of the things, so now I am excited to go exchange them for more clothes! They all did fit though!!! :) I scheduled my 4th fill today - it is for Oct 19th, so I have a little over a week. My hunger is back between meals and I can just take in a lot more. A 2+ month plateau is more than enough time for me!!! I would love to be in the 150's by Thanksgiving, but definately by Christmas, then in the 140's by March 2006 and 130's by June 2006. OMG - 130's by next summer? Is that even possible -- me going from 240+ to 130+ in 16+ months?? WOW. It makes me smile inside just thinking it is possible.
10/15/05: OK so I had to get weighed again on the evil fat scale at the gym. I had gotten one for home & it measured 10% higher than my original weigh in. I found out that my home scale is right - there was a glitch in the original measurement. SO.... instead of having a fat % of 28% it is 38%!!! My trainer thinks that I started at 40% or more and that I have gone done 2-3% over the month. He says he can see my clavical bones now & my chin/neck is more definaed. He showed me places all over my body where I am "transforming", but of course in my head he was just saying that so I wouldn't be so down about that f*ing number!!! So now I will focus on this new number as my baseline and know that I have a HUGE task to accomplish in getting that number down. He wants me to be at 23%. I can't believe that I am almost 40% FAT! UGH!!! The scale still hasn't moved and he blames that on not eating enough - I HAVE to eat breakfast and eat 3 protein rich snacks. I have hit the Halloween candy so I'm lucky to have not gained!!! I am getting a fill on 10/19 which means I will be eating LESS though -- I am in a tough spot!!!
10/23/05: I FINALLY BROKE MY PLATEAU!!!! I am all bubbly inside and have a big smile across my face - I was 167 this morning, so I am back to -75 pounds. Yeah!!!! I am SO sore from my workout with my personal trainer Friday and just got a call from my girlfriend that she is too sore to go to the gym on this beautiful Sunday morning - but you know what? I'M GOING!!!! I want to lose this last 25-35 pounds SO BAD that I am ready to kick it up a notch to get there. I hope when/if I start to lose motivation I will look back and read this entry, and maybe I will remember the feeling that I have right now -- like I am on top of the world and that I can do anything I set my mind to!! There was a post yesterday about what everyone's mini goals are for Christmas. I set my unrealistic goal as being in the 150's (159) by Thanksgiving -- I'm not saying that I know I will do it - but I am sure going to try!!! I am going to a taping of Martha Stewart's new show at the end of November - it would be cool to be down 10 pounds by then. **fingers crossed and spirits held high** Let's see what we can do!!!!
11/6/05: OK-so I guess I shouldn't have held my breath on that whole "broke my plateau" thing. Thanks to Halloween, my new LEAST favorite of all holidays, I am back up to 170. This means that since August I have swayed between 172 and 167. I am so sad right now -- I am feeling really low. I know that weight loss slows and I know that everyone has a weight where their body feels comfortable -- I just don't want THIS weight to be where I stay!! I am doing the exercise, I am just not as committed to healthy eating a sI once was. Food doesn't even interest me, really. So instead of eating healthier things, I grab handfuls of junk here & there. I am never hungry and I know I have restriction. I am just in a slump that I need to break through. There are SO many success stories on the board, and I am so inspired by every one of them. I can't wait to post that I am at goal -- but that just seems forever and a day away. I broke my nose this week from my overactive little 3 year old monster! I had to skip 3 days of the gym AND my personal trainer because of the pain. I know that helped get me down. I went back today & did the treadmill for 45 minutes but it felt lame. I want this weight off now -- I am getting frustrated and impatient. I wonder if anyone else is going through this? I thought for sure I would be at goal by now. Dissapointed in myself. The saddest thing is that I've gotten pretty good at giving other people the pep talks about this -- about what to do to break a plateau, how to remotivate, etc. -- so why can't I follow my own advice? I need a good ass-whoopin'!!! Someone please set me straight and tell me that once I lose the weight I will be beautiful & happy and that these moments of frustration and months without loss will all be worth it!!!! UGH! Until then -- can I have some cheese to go with all of this whine? Atleast it has protein....I promise to be in a better mood for my next entry.
11/?/05: Gen C posted today about her plastic surgery experience and where she is as far as her original weight loss goal, etc. She said: "I can very easily live the rest of my life right here. I don't feel different anymore. The main reason I had this surgery was so I could be normal & I feel pretty damn normal now. " OMG - this sums up my EXACT goal of having this surgery - I couldn't have put it more perfectly & had it fit me better. It is such a great statement & something that I will think about as I try to complete my weight loss portion of this journey. I feel like I am *almost* at this point - but not quite there yet. Gen C - thank you for giving me this boost of inspiration! As for me, I am back to 167. I had an honest look at what I am doing & where I should make changes. I realized that I have been completely slacking on my water!!! With all of this exercising I was supposed to be adding water & instead I have been taking it away. I think a lot of it is the change in seasons -- in summer I drink like a horse - but now, I am just not as thirsty. I can notice my body needing water though now -- my hands are so dry & I know my face will show it next. Big goal - to get back into water mode. I am doing well with eating except for my new love - kettle corn--grrr...... as if a bag of regular microwave popcorn wasn't bad enough!!! I had a size NSV this week - I found a winter coat that I loved. It was some famous name that I forget now - it was way more expensive that I wanted it to be, but I tried on two sizes and the second one fit better -- a SIZE 10!!! OMG I nearly cried in the store. When I think back to last winter, still wearing size 20 something in everything, to be in a size 10 anything just made my day!!! The practical side of me took over and I bought a less expensive coat that I still love. Then I came home & tried on a winter coat my skinny sister handed down to me - a MEDIUM - and IT FIT!!! There's actually room in it too. So when you think that you don't look different, or the scale hasn't moved, look at pictures & try on things that you haven't tried on in a long time. Those are the things that don't lie! I am officially convinced that my scale is a big fat liar!!! :) OK-so its Thanksgiving week & I had hoped to be down to 165 by turkey day....that's 2 pounds...wish me luck.
11/26/05: I did it! I made it to 165 by Thanksgiving!! I was 166 today, which is understandable due to the family's insistence on stuffing my face...hmmm...wonder why I got so fat? LOL I actually came home a day early, for a variety of reasons, but I am so glad I wasn't faced with eating another big meal. It's amazing to me how even one little pound on the scale can make such a huge difference in your mental scope of this process. I have not been less than 167 since AUGUST. To see a lower number FINALLY has just put that permagrin smile on my face. So I now find myself repeating **must stick to plan**must stick to plan** I don't want to screw up this opportunity that my body is finally giving to me!! I find it funny though- this has been the longest stretch of me not going to the gym - I went Tuesday and won't go until tomorrow, Sunday, and I finally see a difference on the scale!! So I STOP exercising and see a change? UGH - not very motivating for the gym! So now I have to set my sights on my Christmas -- I want to see the150's!!! For the first time in awhile I actually feel like I can do it.
12/2/05: Just checking in - back to 165 and very happy with that! I went to see a taping of the Martha Stweart show which will be aired 12/5 -- I am so nervous to see myself on TV. I thought I looked pretty good, but someone took our picture & when I looked at it I nearly started crying - my arms looked huge, my face looked huge - I had the realization hit me that I am still fat. Will I still feel like this once I reach my goal? Its sad to think I won't be happy with my body or my weight-- ever? Just another part of the journey....
12/10/05: OK-so I watched the MS episode and they never even showed me!! I am actually relieved. OK--so I weighed myself today.... 163! I bought 2 pairs of size 10 jeans today! I was in the dressing room and overheard two other people talking - one was complaining that she was "such a cow" and her friend said "You're a size 12 - you are THIN - you're not a cow!" So I hung around waiting for the "cow" to come out so I could compare myself to her. I am in mostly size 12 now but am slowly getting into 10's. She was about my height & I was shocked to think I might be her size! I was beaming all day. I have lost 79 pounds and am trying SO hard to get to the 150's by Christmas -- 2 weeks to go.
12/17/05: I am down 80 pounds!!!!! I am 162 and SO happy. I have that "I think I can I think I can" mantra running through my head -- I have to get to the 150's!!! I want to make an appointment with a plastic surgeon, but I want to be closer to goal when I see him, and the scale has just moved so slowly over the last few months. I slacked off for the gym over the last week -- I keep making excuses because of all the stress with the holidays & my huge list of things to do. My friend bluntly reminded me that exercise is one of my things to do, too, and not one that should be debatable. It doesn't take that long and is more important than many of the other millions of things on the evergrowing list. This will be a tough week with Christmas & all of the family get-togethers. AND--my sister in law roped me into a cookie swap. I have to make 10 dozen cookies for Thursday!!! To make it worse -- I will be leaving her house with ten dozen cookies to bring home - UGH!!!!!! Hopefully they will all be full of nuts & coconut so I can throw them away without a second thought. **fingers crossed** Until later....
1/7/06: I realized that this is the first year where I can look back and say that I actually had true weight loss success since last January. Very cool!! I am struggling though, wondering who I am right now. I go to the gym 5-6 times a week. I take spinning and kickboxing classes - and I live to tell of them. I am in size 10 and 12 pants, and mostly large tops. I don't have a double chin. I put everything in the dryer. I can play a one hour soccer game with my son's team. I weigh less than my husband and the same as one of my best friends, who I think looks normal. Who IS this person? Inside I feel like the 242 pound insecure fat girl, who got winded walking up the stairs, who used her treadmill as a towel rack, who had to line dry everything so it wouldn't shrink. And when I look in the mirror or at pictures, or when I see the number on the scale or in my clothes, I KNOW I am smaller and look different, but when I am in the shower and all I can do is look down - I feel like I look the same. I still feel like the fat insecure girl that started this journey. Will I ever be happy with my body - ever? Its like the closer I get to my goal, the harder I am on myself for what I "should" look like. When I started my goal was to be a soze 12 -- well now that I see what a size 12 looks and feels like - I want to be a size 6. So if and when I get to that point - will I want to go down further? When is it enough that I am healthier and have reclaimed my life? Why is it becoming a vain process? Its not enough to feel good - I want to look good too. And I am shocked to know that I am capable of living the life I live now - so active. I never could have imagined myself doing these things. A spinning class..????? Its shocking, really. And yet -- this is who I am now, maybe I was this person all along, just hidden by layers of fat? I hope as I
