Moma V.

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I would have been here sooner, but I forgot my login info and I've been in such a fog, I didn't notice the send my info link.

Maybe I am just seeking some compassion and with that, I am hoping I can get back on track. I have gained 30 lbs in the past year! It's depression and lack of ambition or drive.

Anyways, here I am, life has changed so drastically for me in the past 2 years and I feel as if I am failing myself now.

My youngest son moved out, I knew the day was coming, but it was sooner than planned. I fought to keep my house for several months, but then relented as it was just too big of a house for me alone. I had been robbed and was living in fear of someone coming back in the house with me alone there. So I forfeited my home.

I moved around, 1st at my older sons' home, but that was not a good fit for me, his wife and I are too much alike and besides I did not like living in a 1 horse town, where the sidewalk is rolled up at dark.

So I moved again, with my Mother this time. Tried to repair our broken relationship, but that is never going to happen. I am the oldest of six and realize now, Mom has her favorites and it doesn't include me. A shame at my age to still feel rejection from my Mother of all persons. So I'm staying with Mom, she did everything possible to sabotage me and my eating habits, we fought often over food, her calling me picky, me calling her a carb-o-holic. Well then I dumped a bunch of $ into her home, because the place is falling apart, then she tells me it is being foreclosed on and I must move. So I found a place, mine all mine (small apt) but 8 months later she is still in the house, along with my youngest sister and her son.. now Mom wants me to help bail her out of foreclosure -- while I am filing bankruptcy on bills owed from repairing HER HOME! I give up in the part of my life - I swear I am not her daughter. How very sad.

So I get my own place again, freedom to come and go, eat what I can stomach. However I find cooking for 1 so very depressing, so I don't do that much, why when a bowl of oatmeal will do? So my diet has already been lacking for the past 9 months...

Then a tragedy hit my life, my youngest son was murdered on Sept 8, 2012. I am beside myself, lost hurt and so very sad. Family and friends say, anything you need you say.. but are staying it seems far away from me. That depresses me even more.

I have gained 30 lbs and I want it gone, I still don't eat much at 8 yrs and 3 months post-op, but I make bad choices, since I have zero schedule in my life right now, erratic would be a good way to describe my eating. I have not exercised in over a year.

But I started again on Monday, I don't care if all I do is walk up 9 flights of stairs and walk each floor of my building, it is better than NOT moving at all. Right? I walked 5 miles on Monday, couldn't move on Tuesday (haha) but got up and rode the recumbent bike this morning. I WILL be strong enough again to take my motorcycle on long trips this summer! I will!

 

So yep, I'm here for motivation and some compassion. Anyone else dealing with this depression at anywhere close to this level? My therapist is just not getting it, I am about to fire her and try another.

L&R, V

My entire fortune for a tummy tuck and brachioplasty, however I haven't any fortune to give away.   I'm so very tired of buying pants 1-2 sizes bigger than I wear, to get the flab in.   My back aches to put a bra on, partly because they are so ill-fitting and party because I have had back/hip problems for years.

However since I don't get rashes or infections in these area's, they are not medically neccessary.  If I could get my Neurologist and PCP to document these issues, I might get insurance to cover it.   Alas, though it will be when I am once again in a wheelchair, because I'm carrying excess still.    Losing battle and hope.

I will be 6 years post-op on Nov 22, 2010.   Damn I want to finish my journey!   To feel better and not be so judgemental about how clothes fit me.   I still feel like a fat hawg half the time.  =(  
 

Wow has this year gone by quickly, most likely because I have been enjoying myself immensely.   Going all the time on my motorcycle, I so love it, the freedom I feel when riding is uncomparable to anything else in this world for stress busting.

Well not so lonely anymore - as they say, right under your nose sometimes.  I've been dating Michael for about 6 weeks now, he could tell you exactly, he is one one of those.    

I still have NOT got a handle on this hypoglycemia as the diet I try to stick to for my WLS and low-sugar diet are on far ends of the spectrum.        I am gaining weight and I do not like it.   Also I do not think my hernia repair was done correctly, I still cannot bend over, do crunches or any abdominal exercises without my stomach twisting and giving me hell.

Also my hands cramp up a lot.   I see my Dr on Weds., I'm past due for blood work and now almost 6 years out from surgery.  I heard that this is when defiencies start to show up from having the WLS.     

I mostly feel well though, just some quirky things going on with my body ~sigh~  but then again I am 51 yrs old also.  POOP! I am OLD!  LOL

I have been going, going, going!    April I rode my motorcycle down to Georgia, gone 4 days 15 minutes 1621 miles and I hung out with friends for 2 nights!   
May - all my life consists of is riding my motorcycle and going to PT for my shoulder, looks like I might need surgery on my rotater cuff come the end of the year.
June - felt lousy so I visited my Dr.  Had the 3 hour sugar test and failed at it miserably, nearly dead Dr. said my sugar is so low - hypoglycemic.  I now must visit a dietician, my WLS diet and the hypoglycemic diet are at total opposites the spectrum and I'm gaining weight like mad.   Feel exhausted most the time.. but I still keep going
July - rode to Newburgh, NY with my riding club for our Summer Nationals, what a blast!    another 1500+ miles on the bike, so far this season I've ridden over 6500 miles!  WOOHOO!
Just gaining weight, waiting on dietician to set up appt.  I can't do both these exact opposite diets :( 

I'm almost miserable again, just lonely, lots of friends but no boyfriend.. suddenly I feel broken, like an unwanted broken.  It's not true but my standards in men have went up and none seem to want anything more than sex.  

well this is a crappy update, but it is an update.   I did add a few photo's from my New  York trip!

I have a surgery date, for hernia repair.  I have been dealing with these aliens in my abdomen and tummy now for over 3 years, time to get them taken care of.  I was trying to hold out and find that surgeon that would give me a TT also, but that's just not going to happen, unless it's medically neccessary,   Cash pay is also not an option, for at least another year.   Then maybe I'll put myself further in debt by about 10,000 for a TT and the girls.

This should be an outpatient surgery, depends on how things go, but nothing ever is easy for me, so I probably will be there more than just a few hours.    Dr.  Amanda Mehaney in Oregon, Ohio will be doing the surgery.

Surgery date - March 1, 2010  hernia repair

PAT's Feb 17, 2010, wonder if I'll check out ok.

I finally broke down and bought NEW JEANS, not recycled jeans from the thrift store.   How exhausting!  I don't mind trying on a few pairs to find a good fit, but after 15 I'm ready to give up.. and I did the 1st day out looking for new jeans. 

I ended up buying size 6 in womens,  but I don't fill the hips out or the legs, I'd have gone to a 4 but those are tight in the tummy, which in turn causes my lower back to ache.   I also bought a 7/8 in juniors and actually found a mid-rise fit and they fit better than the womens sizes through the hips and legs.     Isn't if funny how various brands/styles of jeans all fit differently?    No longer is US sizing, 1 size fits all.

If I ever am able to get a TT I can only imagine what size I'd be wearing.   That is only a dream, just like getting the "twins" reconstructed.   ~sigh~

I call on Monday to set up an appt to see the surgeon about my hernia (s) repair.   

I can only hope it is a better year, this one went out with a ~flop~  

short recap of the year, backwards to whenever I get tired of typing.   

I did not have a date for New Years Eve, but I had a really great time at the AFFA party.   I am still single and trying to figure out why.  I just don't understand  ~  

I have been talking with a man, real nice guy, we met, we've talked, have much in common, he's something else. He chaperoned  a party NYE and even tho I hinted, he didn't invite me.  So I went out alone.

I got robbed Christmas Eve morning, about 6:30 am., they threw a brick through my window and I didn't hear it and they made out with whatever they wanted.  Even trepassed against me in my own bedroom.  They did not touch me, but they got TOO close to me!  My purse was hanging on my bedpost, I asleep in my bed.  I feel violated.  I didn't hear them, because when I crash at night, I sleep hard the 1st couple 3 hours,  I still take med's to stay asleep at night.  My diagnosis years ago was hypersomniac with Sleep Apnea, yeah my mind don't stay shut off at night, so I take meds.    The thief took my laptop, two digital camera's, the ONLY present I had under the tree for my son :( ,  some VHS tapes, ~weird with DVD's right here~ went upstair came in my room, took my cell phone, my purse and my penny jar.      I then notice my Christmas ham was gone too! I kind of figured that, that's why I looked in there.  rotten bastards

5 days before Christmas Eve, some ass broke out my car window, probably the same idiot.  Didn't get anything, just another thing for me to fix.

I've been fighting with insurance again, I think I'm just not going to work outside my home any more, causes me too much grief in my SS .. my disability won't go away.    I'm pleading insanity.. life is making me insane.   ROFL   
Ok back to my insurance, I had ended my employment back in June, because I could not breathe - my disabilty - COPD, was kicking my butt  Too hot to work, no AC, too dusty, too  much mold, made it a hard work enviroment for myself. 
Well on top of not being able to breathe, I could not afford most my medicines, so here I was rock and hard place again.  I ended up having to re-apply for insurance, get denied,(sept 09) request a state hearing (jan 10) have the caseworker call and ask why I requested the hearing.  Then she blows it out by saying, well actually I made the mistake, you should have never lost your insurance.  Ok 7 months without most my meds and no Dr visits.  Except once, I went to the ER because my sciata went out so bad, I couldn't walk... I have that issue also, don't help I'm 50 and arthritis is kicking my butt now.   I probably need another one of those calcium injections, for bone density.. but it hurts.

I don't get out much, with not working and it getting chillier, homebody mode.. dangerous mode, alone, lonely and it's cold outside.  TELLING SELF DO NOT EAT! 

My battery on my motorcycle fried out the night before the NW Ohio Toy Run, it's a big ride, but I like it and it makes me feel ~oh so dang proud of my "brothers n sista's"!   I didn't get to ride... so I pouted and then went over a few hours later and helped feed the masses that came back to the Speedway after the Toy Run.    I heard there was over 2000 bikes this year! woop.. oh how purty :)

I am a 5 yr old POST-OP!   I've gained a few lbs, but it comes and goes, I need to exercise more again,  .. see hernia below.

I caught up with an old friend, hadn't seen her in years, she knew my voice.. but not my body! aha still some I can fool... lol  

I rode as much as I could over the summer, even went away for about 6 days on it .. sweet ..   I have had a wonderful season of riding, I like my friends, old and new alike, I like this part of my life.. which is most of my life.. "if I have to explain it to you, you just wouldn't understand."

I so love to ride my motorcycle.. I'd rather put gas in my tank and just ride, than waste what little $ I have on something that won't do my soul good after the fact.  Riding is great therapy!!    I ride with Women In The Wind, Toledo, Ohio Chapter.  Awesome group of ladies.  I ride with Redbear & Pokey most often.

I still need a hernia operation, think I'm going to have that re-checked here very soon.  It's hard to work my abs, makes my back hurt, crunching the hernia.   I bloat really super fast when I eat and then I feel full within a few bites and I really do not eat nearly enough still at this far out from my surgery,  I mean like good proteins.  My tummy just can't handle it. 

ok that's skipping through the last couple few months.. I'm tired, it's late.  Happy New Years!

nite and God bless

4 years and almost 2 years out a little late on the "yearly" bloodwork, but still got the resutls.

This is the 1st time the nurse from my Dr's office called with the results, which is never a good thing.

Cholesterol -164  -can't beat that!  and 84 on the other #
Protein - 6.2  - normal is 6.4
calcium - I forgot the # she told me but that is low also.

I had an IV Injection of Reclast last Thursday, it's a once a year calcium boost.  This is actually a treatment that is given to Cancer patients, it was a wake up for sure sitting in the Oncology section of the hospital.  I almost felt greedy for asking for this treatment, however I knew my calcium levels had to be low (proof was in the lab results) - plus I'm turning 50 soon and with my age, weight loss and injuries, I'm a perfect subject for Osteoporosis.  Thank God it's only once a year it makes every bone and joint in your body ACHE, big time!  The calcium supplement I've been taking is not enough along with calcium in dairy products I do eat -- DO YOUR CALCIUM!

Everything else came back NORMAL!   

I also have been under Dr's care because I have had my back injured twice (2x's) in the last 2 months.  First one of the guys at work lost his handgrip on a brake rotor and that slammed me in the back. OUCH!  results, sprained back.

Then this wench at the bar decided she didn't like me, came up from behind and slammed me in the back,  Results, WHIPLASH another big OUCH!   I am just confused at if she has issues with me, why sneak up on me from behind? when she outweighs me and out MEAN's me by a mile.   I just asked if she was done when she walked away screaming obscenities at me after her attack.   I did not lift a hand in anger, nor in words, or shed a tear, that had to piss her off the most.

Anywho's regardless I've been seeing a lot of Dr's in the past 2 months, 1 good thing remains constant, my BP 100/60, yes I run a LOW BP, even when I was heavy 126/80-- just in my genes, however I have to be watched so I don't bottom out. 

My goal is to UP my protein - I still rely on protein shakes at least once a day, sounds like I'm going to need to up it to 2 because I still cannot eat a lot of dense protein. 

I made the ride to E Canton, what a wonderful weekend!  I've been putting around on my motorcycle as much as I can, I love it!  I find peace when riding.  On the way home I took the lllooonnnggg way home, Ohio does have some beautiful back roads, thats for sure.  I stopped at my cousins on the way home also, I haven't seen him since before surgery, he didn't have a clue who I was, till I spoke, he was speechless.   We talked a good long while, then he handed me the keys to his Harley Davidson... wooyeah!   I had to take it back to him though LOL

Update on weight, still the same 158-160 lbs, which is ok, except I'm having issues with Oreo's ... got to stop bring those in the house.   Bad food is cheaper and when on a tight budget, we tend to make ends meet ... and eat wrong, somethings gotta give!   Lack of good exercise lately is my fault too.   While my weight is stable, I'm mushy, except for my thighs ...motorcycle thighs  LOL is what I call them.

My budget is so tight, I'm trying to figure out how to keep on utilities and buy my much needed vitamins.  Doesn't help any that Medicaid has me on spenddown ~sigh~  I'm in dire need of a flu shot, which I haven't had since 2006, I don't have a Spleen so something's are much more important in my health.   I hate my job, it's hard on my body, but I have no other choices right now.

it's the summertime.  I hope all are enjoying yours as well.  

I am coming up on my 4th surgiversary, ~wow~ such change.
first my weight.  158-160  I lost 10 lbs in July.  I'd still like to lose 10 more.   I am mostly content with my weight and well skin issues.  which I don't have a super lot of at all for an old gal, maybe I'm delusional though ROFL   I think the 10 lbs I'd like to lose is probably the skin, 10 lbs is an estimate and that'd be an all over body tuck kind of thing haha starting with my boobs, neck, tummy, arms .. 

now why would I update late on a friday nite? well I'm home sober, I was out but came home sober, stopped by 3 different taverns,  I  decided I really needed dinner and cooked a steak when  I got home.  I ate 3 oz's a half a med tomato and then for desert, a strawberry yogurt.     

I was out riding earlier, I so do love my motorcycle, just now after 1 season, most my friends suggest an upgrade.. well I agree, but flat broke  is not a good time to go buy new a new motorcycle.   

Not only that, but dang if any of ya's reading, pray me a financial blessing or a better job.   I can live on the $ I make, but not at this job, which has me on my feet 99% of the time.. it makes my back feel old, which is.. I had this surgery to walk again and that I am, but I'm also working just too much on my feet, I needs office work.  Plus I'm tired of wearing red top/black pants every day at work, that's the dress code.. I'd rather dress to impress and use my smile/smarts.

I AM STILL SINGLE!  I meet actually a lot of guys, kind of sort of,  but still I walk/ride alone.     i'm cursered.  I don't want to be!!

I do meet/talk/date my share of guys, but nothing develops, I keep like waiting to see the picture.  some make me think .....ah nevermind.   I kind of date when I want to, but still do many things alone, too many in my opinion. ~sigh~ 

I'm riding to E. Canton, Ohio next weekend, hang with friends for a weekend, share hi's, hugs, smiles and memories.   Even though I'm broke, I need this respite. 

nite