It's been a WTF week!

Jan 28, 2010

I feel so depressed right now that even the big "S" thought has crossed my mind.  Suicide...no, I will not go back to attempting anything like that...but I can sure understand why people do.  I am on one hell of a rollercoaster ride with my finances right now and life feels like a fucking bitch. 
I got a letter today telling me that a certain creditor has a secured loan with me and that I will either have to pay the loan or give up the items...to which I do not even know what items they are talking about...so I phone, after crying to my boyfriend on Skype, only to find out that they switched it to a non-secured loan, so I need not worry about that.  In the mean time I put a call into the trustee to find out about it....I get a call back from them wanting to discuss the money I owe them.  I am now $500 in the arrears to them..and it is only going to get worse because they are going to want more money next month...and I simply don't have it to give.  The bank kept the money from the beginning of Dec and the way I figure it, they still owe me money, but they say they don't...so I really need the trustee to look into it.  The bank wouldn't even write me a letter stating why they don't owe me the money after I requested it...so they said that I would have to have the trustee request it...fuck...if it isn't one thing its another.  I'm dead broke and you can't get blood from stone.  My Mother is mad at me.  Bill comes home tomorrow.  I can't wait to lay in his arms...I really just feel like I need to be held...You know, how sometimes you just feel like saying "fuck it."  that is where I am today, right this minute.  I even burned supper tonight.  Tomorrow is a new day...I hope I feel better tomorrow.

Jan 29
It is a new day...and I have awakened feeling much better than yesterday.   I don't know what the future holds for me and I am not going to worry about it...Just taking it one day at a time.  It's kinda funny how I really did believe that having this surgery would solve all my problems...It didn't....but it does make getting through them easier...it is much easier to be thin and broke, rather than fat and broke.   Now I know some are going to be thinking that it makes no sense...but really it does.  When I talk now, people listen to me...I am not ignored, or looked down upon like I used to be.  People will actually listen to what I am saying now..perhaps it is all in my head, or perhaps it is because I refuse to be walked on now...either way...it is because of this surgery that I am able to deal with things differently than before.  Not to say that life has magically gotten to a point where I have no struggles...cuz, I am struggling...even with eating some days.  We are food addicts, and when shit goes sideways...I go for the cookies.  I still might only get in a half a bowl of chili...but I sure can pack in those cookies when I am stressed.  I had 5 yesterday.   I know I am not doing myself any favors by eating them...but I guess this is something I still need to work on...I may always have to work on.
Bill is on his way home.  I chatted with him this morning while he was at the Heathrow airport waiting to board the plane.  He is in the air now...and will be landing in Calgary at 3:50pm...so, another shitty day where I have to go into the office to do filing...I never, ever want an office job...but my client is sick, and I have to pay the rent somehow...this is all they could come up with for work for me...so that is what I will do.  It is only for 3 hours, but it feels like 10.  I don't know how you office people do it...sitting at a desk all day, ugh!!!  I am thankful that I don't have to do that kind of stuff on a regular basis.
Well, off to have another coffee, a smoke and then get myself ready for the day.

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