life is so short

Feb 14, 2011

Last night I had my son, mother, Jenine and a couple of friends that helped me move over for dinner as a thank-you for all their hard work.  While here, my son called his dad as he usually does, because it is cheaper to call on my house phone, than it is for him on his cell.  So, his dad's roommate says that his dad hasn't been out of his room for 2 days and that when the roommate tried to wake him he was cold..the ambulance and police were on the way...and that Kyle should call back in 10 mins.  I knew the minute Kyle got off the phone and told me what was going on, that his dad was dead...they don't send the police with the ambulance unless there is a death in the home.  Sure enough about a half an hour later we got confirmation...My first husband had passed.  I have no idea how long he was dead, or why...they will be doing an autopsy to confirm.  I honestly hope it was not a suicide or drug overdose, which it could well be because Wayne was mentally unstable and did suffer drug addictions, although he had been clean for sometime as far as I was aware.  It seems so tragic, to be so young, and be gone...but his life was full of turmoil from child sexual abuse that he had suffered at the hands of his father...He just could never get passed it, and he didn't feel supported or believed by his family.  I take comfort in knowing that he can now rest in peace. 
It is my children that most concern me know...mostly my youngest son, who does show some of the signs of also having mental instabilities, tho, he has never been diagnosed.  He also uses alcohol and pot to cope with his life...and this scares the shit out of me.  We have not spoken in close to a year, because the last time we talked I told him he needed to take responsibility for his life, and get his shit together...He didn't like what I had to say, and told me I was dead to him...I'm really hoping he will reach out to me now...but chances are with his stubborn streak, he will not, but will find a way to blame me for this as well...or at the very least, wish it was me that was dead instead of his dad....God I hope he doesn't say that to his brother!!!!  I am doing my best to support Kyle right now, because for the moment Kyle lives in the same town and province as I do.  I am driving him to the Calgary airport tonight so he can catch a flight, and go help make arrangements.  He is in shock I am sure...Not really crying or freaking out...not even as much as me and this concerns me too...but I do realize that we all grieve in our own way.  I'm sure Kyle is just in shock and numb for the moment.  I wish I could go to the funeral to support my boys, but unfortunately, I cannot afford to fly there or take the time off of work..I did check the flight costs, but with just moving...my account is not in great shape, and I do need all that I have...Good lord, if I would have seen this coming, I could have put up with an extra month of living with Bill in the old house, but I didn't...and spent my savings to get here.
Wayne was a good guy dispite his trials...He was a great Dad...I am blessed to have had him father my children...Although he was never the man for me...He did an awesome job with them...and held it together pretty good until they were old enough to understand about mental illness.  He had a very warped sense of humour, something that my oldest inheirited, lol!  And thinking back...I have a few good memories of our time together...number one and two being my boys!!!  Not quite sure what the future holds for them now...but I will pray, pray hard that they find peace with this too!!!

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Red Deer,
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04/17/2008
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Feb 21, 2008
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