beccabecca66

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6+ years post weight loss surgery, life keeps going on. Of course its not all peachy, but I'm really enjoying this stage of my life.  In some ways, I feel like I'm finally getting to experience and enjoy the things I missed as an overweight young adult.  Things that I actually was able to do back then are also exciting now as I participate in a completely different way.

NSV's seem to happen frequently.  I keep thinking-- document it your obesity help blog! So here I go.

On a vacation to a Carribean island over the holiday, we spent most of the time on the beach or in the water.  This means I was wearing swimwear or just a light beach coverup or skirt when we'd grab a bite to eat. 

• When a stranger whose seen you all week in a bathing suit says "I can tell you work out.  Are you a runner?", thats totally a NSV, right?  Especially if you are more of a biker and walker lol.

After a week of eating resturant food, drinking, too much sun and then a bad flu for both of us, we decided we would still run our new years day 5k because that is our tradition.  Since we were both sick, we agreed we wouldn't run for time.  We would run together and finish together with no expectation of a good time. Just a fun couple/date thing to do.  We never get to run together because it hurts me too much. Normally he runs outside, and I do my running on the treadmill.  I only make exceptions for outside running for the two or three 5k's we run each year. 

• When you run a 5K when feeling sick AND still set a new personal record...26:44 for you...    thats a NSV, right? 

There are many more examples... clothes fitting, trying new sports, being good at those sports, far less depression, etc.

At this point where maintaining my weight at about 140-145lbs is a fairly routine thing, the fact that i was 394 pounds has less relavance to my daily life. 

You know how you're always tempted to pull out your 'before' picture?  Yes.  do that!  For a long time.  You worked your butt off.  You should be proud.  Its a very good reminder that can help you get through the rough weeks when you want to give up or think you're a failure. You know how people say in amazement "You're a totally different person now."? You are.

A good friend that met me after I lost the bulk of my weight said the same"You're a totally different person now" when she saw my before photo.  But she continued. She said I'm just me.  I'm the friend that motivates her to be active.  I'm the friend that has a great attitude and outlook on life.  I'm strong.  I'm healthy.  Period.  Not with the qualifier that I lost a lot of weight.  This is who I am now.

Isn't this what I dreamed of?  To just be a regular person fitting in a regular world.  I'm not saying that I'm not proud or excited about continued progress and sucesses. 

My baseline is different.  I'm healthy.  I'm strong.  Now just watch and see what I can do.  =)

--Becca

 

 

I'm 6 years from bariatric surgery this week.

My personal goal weight is 144, only because its exactly 250 pounds from my highest.  144 +/- 3 lbs.  If I get to 150, pounds thats danger zone. I need to stop and recheck myself.  Protein First at Every Meal! 

I weighed in at 140 this morning.  Thats actually a little low.  I had a busy few weeks on vacation.  What?  Losing weight on vacation? 

We just got back from a trip to London and Amsterdam.  In Amsterdam, we biked everywhere. If we weren't biking, we were walking.  I loved it!  In Amsterdam bikes have right of way, even before cars.  My kind of city!

London was a similar amount of activity.   Other than one hard bike ride on the south shore of England, we did not have time to workout.  Fitbit said 145,000 steps for one of the weeks we were there, but that was just casual walking or leisurely biking.  When i look at photos, the ones where I look truly happy are after that hard bike ride.   

I cannot believe that I'm saying I've been to Europe.  Even moreso, I can't believe that I'm mildly whining about not having a hard workout in 2 weeks.  I can't believe that 145,000 steps was 'just walking or biking.'  Is this my life?  I like sweating hard? Who is this stranger?

As the years go on, I find it harder to relate to people just starting on their journey to health.  I wish they would believe they were strong enough to do this.  I wish they didn't have to pretend to be happy to be the jolly funny fat guy of the group.  I want to whisper 'you can do this.'  I want to say they deserve it, but noone really believes that anyway.

I feel great.  I'm still nutty.  I still obsess about my weight.  I still try on outfit after outfit for just the right one that is flattering.  I still don't realize I'm slender until I see photos of myself.  I still hate my excess skin. 

Weight loss surgery didn't fix my obesity.  It gave me the space and chance so that I could repair it myself.  It feels awesome to know I worked really hard at something and it turned out well.  That directly relates to confidence.

Confidence is what has me try different exercise types...Did the 394 lb me believe I'd be doing stand up paddle boarding, kayaking, parasailing, beach biking, dance, intense interval training boot camp?  Next is Kangaroo Boot fitness.  =)

--Becca

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Please contact me through my profile.

In a haze, I think I've deleted some of my blog posts.  =(

I picture laying there naked on the surgery table, and the story my body tells. The scars on my arms, and hateful words to myself on my legs...the pool of excess skin that just drips around me when I lay down... all that stuff I've been through. I used to be embarrassed about it, but now I'm proud. It shows where I've been and how far I've come...I'm not just their average patient. I have much more to see and do.

And a cool scar on my head to show for the next chapter.

 

 

 

(this was part of a post that I must have deleted. --Becca)

I am considering skin removal.  I'd have to take out a medical loan... I don't even know if I'd qualify.  Im in the very early stages of investigating.  I was thinking of Dr. Lomonaco in Houston.  I need to do more research.

The official race is November 9th (mustache dash) with a party 5k on November 15th (nocturnal lands).

I started training for the 5k August 2, 2014 using the couch to 5k program.  I ran my first 5k outdoors on November 2, 2014 in 32:13. 

I really enjoy the challenge running has given me.  Its been more of a mental thing than anything else.  Running is hurting my back.  I think after these two races I'm going to stop running except for an occasional 5k race.

I don't think I'm alone in having a fear of gaining all my weight back.  In the past, I would lose a chunk of weight, and before I knew it, it was all back.  It would often be at a doctors visit where i would be surprised to learn I had gained 25 or 30 pounds.

So when I get on the scale now and I'm up a couple pounds, its easy to catastrophize.  At seeing the small weight gain, I'd say to myself (in not so nice words)-- 5 pounds this month and I'll be 300 pounds by next month.  Afterall, that was my experience in the past.

I think whats different this time around is that I actually look.  I'm honest with myself and make the small changes needed to take those few pounds back off.  Before, I'd blindly keep eating as I had been and then wonder why I'd gained weight.  A sort of denial, I think.

Allowing myself an indiscretion occasionally has helped.  Knowing that I can have something not on the plan, if i choose, makes it easier to turn it down.  When completely denied something, I'd end up giving in and then figure all was lost and keep eating and eating. 

Pausing and checking in to see if I am really enjoying whatever it is i'm eating helps too.  Last night, I had some ice cream.  I didn't mow it down as if it was the last ice cream I'd ever eat.  After a bite or two, i realized that I didn't really like the texture of it (it felt chewy) and decided not to eat it.  If i'm going to have ice cream, I want the best.  This was not the best.

I'm surprised and impressed that I had no problem rinsing the rest of it down the sink.  I know I can (and will) have ice cream again.  I didn't fall into the trap of thinking 'if i don't eat it all now, I'll never be able to have more.'

All that is good news. 

One thing that still disturbs me is how much the number on the scale affects how i feel about myself.  I can choose an outfit and think i look decent in it... but if i get on the scale and I'm up a pound or two, suddenly when i look in the mirror, I can see the roll of fat around my stomach and flabby arms and thick legs.

I don't like to be so rough with myself in how i feel about my body.  When i describe it in a negative way, I'm more likely to disrespect it by making unhealthy eating/exercise choices.  I need to be honest, but not in a derogatory way.

I'm struggling to get my mood more level.  Not too high, not too low.

When my mood is all over the place, its hard to manage my eating/exercise patterns.  Which then makes maintaining my mood even more difficult.

I haven't been as diligent about exercising.  Its reflected in my pretty much stagnant weight loss.

Procrastination is the devil!  I just have to do it.  There is no excuse for me not to do at least some exercise everyday.

Today I did do something...and you know what?  I pushed myself just a wee bit harder than I normally do.   And it feels darn good.

Had to write this down so that on days i don't feel like doing it--- then i can remember how good it feels to push out of my comfort zone and do exactly what i don't feel like doing.

I talked to the surgeons nurse practitioner yesterday on the phone.  The call was about the results of my blood work from my one year check up. 

I don't know how it came up, but I was asking about what my 'goal' weight should be.  I don't think we ever established that.  She said that technically, at 5 foot 2 inches, my weight should be 110.   But at 110, i would look like a skeleton.  I asked what would be a reasonable goal and she said that if i can make it to 150, that would be great.

30 pounds.  It sounds like nothing and the weight of the whole world all at once.   I know its going to be a lot harder to take off.  Its going to mean some pretty dedicated work. 

1.  I'm 12 months post op, so weight comes off slower as it is.
2.  I'm going to start taking psych meds again, which often have a side effect of weight gain.
3.  I'm going to be busting my ass in group therapy and one on one therapist visits.

The feedback i'm getting from some friends is that they think i've been in a hypomanic state, verging on full blown manic, for most of this year.  So if the previous weight loss was during hypomania/mania... i wonder what its going to be like when I'm in a depressive state, or even level state.

Its good that I'm on disability (for bipolar) because I'm really going to need this time to get stuff in order again.  I've been freaking out about what I'm going to do in the future... but I MUST put that aside and make it through each day as they come.  I have to get a couple days/weeks/months under my belt of existing and being okay... then start thinking where to go next. 

I guess what I am saying is that I need to live in the moment. 

--Becca

I'm going to start an iop therapy program on Monday.  IOP = Intensive Out Patient

Its 3 mornings a week-- from roughly 9 am till noon.

Group therapy, i'm guessing.  1/2 the time talking about whats on our mind.  1/2 the time learning coping skills.  We'll see how it actually works out on Monday.  I might be remembering it wrong.

I don't really know how or if it will help.  I don't know what the end goal is for me.  I don't remember what "normal" for me was, so its hard to know what to work towards.

I'll most likely go back on psych meds.  My mind is so shot... I don't remember what I was taking last.  I have to try to find a list of the meds.  I looked on the Walgreens site where I got most meds filled.  Looks like cymbalta 60 mg, wellbutrin 300 mg, abilify 30 mg, lamictal 100 mg, ambien 10 mg, and klonopin 2 mg.   There was a prescription for tegretol too, but I don't think I ever started taking that.

Geesh, no wonder why I stopped taking meds.  Thats like a freaking pharmacy.

I don't think i'll need the ambien anymore.   My sleep is pretty good, usually 8 hours interupted... sometimes i lay in bed during the day because I don't have the energy to do anything else or because my back is hurting, but I'm not really sleeping.

Oh well.  Its nothing that I have to worry about tonight. 

btw, I don't remember being so cold all the time...i am always wearing two pair of socks and a long sleeve shirt and sweater or hoodie, and I'm still cold... now add in some wisconsin winter and being outside waiting for the bus... yikes!