Eyes Wide Open

May 11, 2012

I don't think I'm alone in having a fear of gaining all my weight back.  In the past, I would lose a chunk of weight, and before I knew it, it was all back.  It would often be at a doctors visit where i would be surprised to learn I had gained 25 or 30 pounds.

So when I get on the scale now and I'm up a couple pounds, its easy to catastrophize.  At seeing the small weight gain, I'd say to myself (in not so nice words)-- 5 pounds this month and I'll be 300 pounds by next month.  Afterall, that was my experience in the past.

I think whats different this time around is that I actually look.  I'm honest with myself and make the small changes needed to take those few pounds back off.  Before, I'd blindly keep eating as I had been and then wonder why I'd gained weight.  A sort of denial, I think.

Allowing myself an indiscretion occasionally has helped.  Knowing that I can have something not on the plan, if i choose, makes it easier to turn it down.  When completely denied something, I'd end up giving in and then figure all was lost and keep eating and eating. 

Pausing and checking in to see if I am really enjoying whatever it is i'm eating helps too.  Last night, I had some ice cream.  I didn't mow it down as if it was the last ice cream I'd ever eat.  After a bite or two, i realized that I didn't really like the texture of it (it felt chewy) and decided not to eat it.  If i'm going to have ice cream, I want the best.  This was not the best.

I'm surprised and impressed that I had no problem rinsing the rest of it down the sink.  I know I can (and will) have ice cream again.  I didn't fall into the trap of thinking 'if i don't eat it all now, I'll never be able to have more.'

All that is good news. 

One thing that still disturbs me is how much the number on the scale affects how i feel about myself.  I can choose an outfit and think i look decent in it... but if i get on the scale and I'm up a pound or two, suddenly when i look in the mirror, I can see the roll of fat around my stomach and flabby arms and thick legs.

I don't like to be so rough with myself in how i feel about my body.  When i describe it in a negative way, I'm more likely to disrespect it by making unhealthy eating/exercise choices.  I need to be honest, but not in a derogatory way.

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Houston, TX
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Jun 05, 2007
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