BillieC

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Warning:  I DID put the spaces into this post but when I post it, all the words run together.  I'm sorry.  I can't seem to fix it!!!!!
I've been trying to add new posts for days but stupid Windows Vista (most  annoying software ever  made) keeps locking up and I lose everything.  So, if it doesn't work this time, I'm giving up.

I came through surgery fine.  I had a reasonably easy time of it.  So far (fingers crossed) no nausea or other problems.  I haven't really been hungry and for over a week there I didn't eat anything.  I drank tons of water, though.  Can't seem to quench my thirst and nothing seems to help with the thirst unless it's extremely cold.  I've had a ton of water and I'm managing to choke down some Crystal Light lemonade.  That Splenda taste is not something I enjoy all that much.

My daughter is so funny!  She'll be four September 1 and she can be happily chowing down on a sandwich or french fries and I get out my measly little serving of sugar-free something and she's gotta have some too.  I have no problem with it because I hope she'll learn that better choices are just as tasty.

I went for my follow-up to have the nasty ol' drains removed yesterday and according to the doctor's scales, I've lost 26 pounds since beginning the pre op diet a week before surgery.  I'm not letting it get me too excited because I know it's mostly water weight.

I'm supposed to start my vitamins today so I guess I'm traveling to GNC.  It sucks to be broke!  If I had the money, I'd buy myself a few kinds of protein powders and be making shakes.  For some reason, as nasty as I know protein powder can be, I feel like I'd really like to have a shake.

I was always a "stress" eater and these days, there's so much stress going on, I don't know what to do to get through it.  I need to be taking my Zoloft but it is soooooooo damn nasty to take those crushed up pills (even mixed in stuff).  I just hate feeling like this though.  It's all my crazy, depression-prone, obsessive-complusive mind but that doesn't make me not feel it.

My husband, having had double arterial bypass at age 34 back in November, has post-traumatic stress disorder.  He won't get treatment from anyone except our family doctor.  I love our family doctor but he doesn't seem to believe in psychological illness so he's not doing much.  Meanwhile, the man I love and have leaned on for 15 years feels "numb" and indifferent to everyone except our daughter.  I'm thrilled he's not numb to her but I sure would love for him to feel for me again.  My counselor says give it a year.  I'm trying!

My grandmother, after my grandfather's death 5 1/2 years ago, basically went bankrupt.  My aunt and uncle (my mother's sister and youngest brother) are both living with her and even though my aunt has a job, they don't really contribute.  I'm glad my grandmother doesn't have to live alone but I don't think it's fair that she's trying to pay all their expenses:  rent, utilities (including some old bills from her old house), groceries, medical bills, medications, car expenses and gas, etc, etc, etc.  I can't help.  Like I said, I'm darn broke myself.  My mom is tired of helping and I understand.  She is the oldest of her siblings and she had me at 16 and was married to man she didn't love for 20 years.  Now that she's happy, she's having to put every extra dime she has into keeping up her mother.  She doesn't mind that part...it's keeping up her deadbeat siblings that is driving her nuts.

My brother, 10 years younger than me, thinks the world owes him something.  He went to college, got a degree in Phys ed and decided he didn't want to teach.  He's been drifting for a couple of years but he recently managed to win back his girlfriend--a wonderful girl he's been in love with for several years.  She has MS and she's ready to get married and try to have a family before the disease progresses (hopefully it won't!).  Suddenly, this summer...well, late in June...baby bro decided to start trying to get a teaching job so he can afford to get married and hold on to his beloved.  Why would he think a job is going to fall into his lap?  Is it a generational thing?

I really, really, really don't want to go back to work.  I've always been ambivilent about going back every year but this time, I dread it with a passion.  I don't know if it's because my darling daughter is growing up so fast and I'm missing it or if it's because I want to be in my house because I'm more comfortable here or if it's just all the "what-ifs" about the coming school year.

I know I'm rambling here.  Sorry.  I'm gonna try to get myself and my little princess ready and go buy my vitamins.  Hope they aren't too expensive!

I've lived through the week--Including the horrors of caffeine withdrawal!  I am currently trying desperately to chug an entire huge bottle of Miralax and it's killin' me!  It's not the taste...it's the amount and the fact that I'm having to force it down.  I'm not thirsty anymore!  Hello!

I'm scared.  I'm so scared I want to cry.  I've been praying and surfing the 'Net for stories about after effects of RNY.  I've written down the pros and cons and I just can't get past the fact that the main con I have is that I won't be able to eat whatever I want to anymore.  Well, let's face it.  Eating whatever I want is what got me in this condition to begin with.  I have no will power and I need the restriction of this surgery to keep me from stuffing my face with Krispy Kremes and washing it down with Coke.

I have an almost 4 year old daughter who needs a mother who can play and, since we adopted her and she's got a very slender "heredity", I'd like to be a good influence.  I'm a high school teacher and I want my students to stop being able to call me a "fat *itch" (although I'm sure I'll still be called a *itch).  I have a frozen embryo from a previous cycle of IVF (before my beautiful daughter came along)  and unless I lose weight and lower my blood pressure naturally, the doctor will never put it back.  I'm 35 now so I have two choices:  I can do this surgery, lose the weight and give Lil' Frosty a chance or I can stay fat and let them "dispose" of my only living biological child.  And I have another chance at IVF after that if Lil' Frosty doesn't make it.

Life should not revolve around food and mine does.  So, I'm hoping and praying that I'll get through this surgery safely and have a better life because of it.

If you're reading this, say a prayer for me.

I'm going to have my surgery on Monday, July 14, 2008.  It's Wednesday, July 9 and I'm on a clear liquid diet.  I admit it.  I've cheated twice.  I ate one teddy graham cracker and I ate one carton of Yoplait light yogurt.  Even though the Yoplait Light IS on the diet list, the second ingredient is high fructose corn syrup so I know I'm not supposed to have it.  *SIGH*  I'm weak, tired, headachy, and feeling punished.  Oh well.  It will all be worth it in a couple of months.  I can't wait to walk down the stairs at work without my knees creaking and I can't wait to lose enough weight so that I can play outside with my little girl without my thighs rubbing together and my fat rolls chaffing.

I keep looking at the before and after pictures on this site and imagining what my after pictures will look like.  I haven't seen myself at a "non-obese" weight since I graduated from high school.  Until recently, I still had a pair of (get this) acid-washed, tapered-leg overalls with pink ribbons running through the suspenders that my mom bought me for Christmas my senior year of high school.  I had already started gaining weight and they still had the tags on them.  I almost wish I had kept them!  Wonder if I'll ever get into that size again...