Oct 21, 2011

I'm having a hard time with my diet. The more that I think about the food that I won't be able to eat post-op, the more and more I want to eat! I even think about it WHILE I'm eating, then beat myself up for eating so much. I think that this whole process is a LOT harder than I thought it would be.

This Wednesday I went to a seminar down in Scottsbluff, NE done by my future surgeon, Dr. Holloway. The seminar and all the meetings that went a long with it really motivated me and got my spirits up.... for about a day. Then I lost my focus when I saw a bag of Halloween chocolates I "COULD NOT" live without. I'm sabbatoging myself, and I know it. But I still do it. I'm starting to have fears that I lack the dedication that it's going to take to really lose this weight, and that scared the ever-loving CRAP out of me. Because if I can't do it WITH the bypass, there is no way in the world I could lose the weight by myself. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck like this forever..... *sad face* 

On a slightly better note, I've been terying to excersize more. BUTTTTTT!! The more I excersize, I keep getting pains I don't have on a normal basis. For example: 2 weekends ago, I went for (maybe) a 30 minute walk with Jon and Moose on a Saturday night. Felt great the next day, so we decided to go on another walk. Still doing good. Monday I took Moose to a bikers trail and walked for almost an hour and a half! I was SO proud of myself. Tuesday, I went to the gym and did various excersizes for approximately an hour. By Tuesday night, my back was in KNOTS. Not one position made me comfortable. and now I have this shooting pain in my right heel whenever I stand up after sitting/sleeping for longer than an hour. The pain in my foot is still unbearable in the mornings, and my back is still giving me trouble. I talked to Dr. Holloway about this...basically he told me I'm too fat to excersize! HA! Talk about irony... but anyways, he told me that for now, I need to lose weight before I can start walking that much simply because 400lbs is A LOT of weight to be carrying around, and thats why I'm hurting. So for now, I have to "less straining" excersizes, like swimming, biking, eliptical, etc. AND dieting of course, which I'm having troubles with.

10 days from now will mark the beginning of my 4th month of "Dietary Guidance". I'm already halfway there, and I'm wracked with nerves. At first I wasn't worried about getting approved for the surgery because, to put it mildly, I'M FREAKIN' FAT! But now, having troubles dieting, I'm worried that SOMEHOW the insurance company is going to figure out that my motivation/dedication is a wee bit shaky. Hopefully, I'll be able to pull myself out of this FUNK, and get down to business!

All My Love,

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Aug 31, 2011
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