brownblonde
I've Reached the summit...now what?
Apr 01, 2015
Okay, so maybe not the summit summit. I still wanted to get down to 138.5 "half my weight" but you get the idea. I lost the weight. Now what?
For years I heard people say that maintenance was the hardest part and would think "oh give me a break!!!" That's like saying it's tougher to pay bills when you're all paid up--shouldn't being there at that long-fabled and truly prized mecca of a goal weight be much better than only dreaming about the possibilities?
First off I would say no, maintenance is not the hardest. Near-maintenance is the hardest. Perhaps not coincidentally, this is where I find myself. All of the inspiration to lose weight is taken away--but you still want to lose weight. Today I weighed 157. On me that looks like a tight size 6 or loose size 8 jeans. Not skinny by any means, my former self would have probably thought I needed to eat a sandwich! But surrounded by my early-20s peers I sometimes feel downright fat. But the worst part about it is I know I could do better. I am totally sedentary. My 84 year old grandmother walks her dog around the block twice a day--and I think she gets more activity than I do! I'm just not where I want to be for my twenties. Some of us may disagree--some may remind me that this is "all about health" (please refer to earlier post about wanting some of the cosmetic benefits of WLS too), some may tell me that my BMI, while on the high side, is still in the normal range. Some may come at it from more of a "what did you expect" and "your results are great considering where you came from." But to be honest I feel like I'm a few meters from the top of Everest--what a waste to just make camp here--or worse, descent!
Why do I think it's harder? Well for one it's lost its newness. The compliments stopped coming in ages ago. I used to wake up practically every morning and race in to weigh myself. Ahh those were the days weren't they? Now the scale and I have an embittered relationship. It'll give me a 0.2lb. loss only to give me a 1lb. gain the next morning! The clothing isn't as exciting. I used to have to replenish my wardrobe every few weeks. Now I'm just looking to go down 1, maybe 1 1/2 sizes (to make it a solid 4). It's just not as special any more.
And combine that with (tapping my stomach) "hey, is this thing on?"....I'm beginning to worry that my tool has stopped working! Okay, so that was overdramatic. When I sit down to any kind of dinner with "normal" eaters, I know it still works. But now I eat like a normal person normally should...you know, 1/2 of the portions. I guess it makes sense that eventually we would have to eat like normal people, or else we'd starve ourselves to death, right? But recently this realization has been quite frightening to me. Like I had a serious surgery and it's hard for me to maintain, much less lose the weight!
Let me break that down for us. The calorie gods say that if I'm a normal sedentary person of my gender, weight, and age, I should be able to eat about 1850 calories a day and maintain. HOLY CRAP. Let's just say that the 5lb. gain was a small adjustment and forgive it--that still means I'm eating 1850 calories on a normal basis! Yikes! Again, and I had my stomach cut out. DOUBLE CRAP. I cannot believe that, can you? Well I didn't believe it so I started tracking my calories on myfitnesspal. I was told that I needed to eat 1350 calories a day to lose 1lb. per week. That seems like it should be doable. Again, my head is screaming at me "you had WLS!!" Well here is what I have concluded dear readers. I have concluded that I eat more than 1350 calories per day. But, even on my bad days, I'm pretty sure I do not eat over 1850. I have found that I typically eat around 1500 calories per day and that's probably pretty average. I have an occasional day around 1700 calories, but I also have occasional 1200 calorie days. So if you're following my math, you are thinking the same couple things I was: 1) I knew I should've paid better attention in math class. My math is wrong!, 2) I must be eating more calories than I fess up to, 3) maybe I get fewer calories because of my metabolism, 4) It failed, I knew it, call the Chinese delivery man pronto.
Today I'm convinced it's #4. The problem with all this dieting is, well I was never good at dieting. It made me think about food more. I tried to cheat the system. There was always another Monday for me to begin again. And so today, that mentality has won. Things I NEVER thought I would ever do after having VSG, let alone have done in one day. I keep trying to remind myself one day does not maketh the eating habit.
But back to the math. If I'm tracking my calories right, and I'm eating under 1850 calories a day, there is really only one conclusion; I cannot eat 1850 calories and maintain, much less lose a pound a week on 1350 calories. I'll be honest right now you guys. I feel exactly as I did 5 years ago before WLS. I feel helpless. Like this is never going to work. And it doesn't make it much better that I "only" want to lose 20lbs. In fact, I'm terrified now to discover that what I need to eat to maintain apparently doesn't satisfy my appetite. I have NEVER been successful at this on my own. And right now I feel alone, very alone. The more I try to diet, the more my diet spins out of control. I always focused my maintenance plan (which, just for the record was successful for 3 1/2 years) around the notion that life was about balance. I forgot about calories, did do some of the things like protein first, but mostly just didn't overeat, and religiously never ate more than half of my portion. I do not know what happened, but that stopped working.
Ok, now swtiching gears. I also think I'm uncomfortable about the idea of not having to lose weight. I have always had weight to lose. Beyond my magic goal weight was a dreamed up Utopia. Any problem in life could be fixed if only I lost weight. I've had some things going on the past few months to disrupt my happiness. Aha! I thought. "It must be my weight." I took some serious soul searching to realize that a little bit of my sudden push and desire to lose these 20lbs. is the belief that everything will be better if I just lose the weight. I will say, in all honesty, weight is a distraction from other things. It kind of drowns them out. It's a nice scapegoat. What a wonderful feeling to think that if I'm only a little prettier, thinner, etc. the world will start going my way.
Being at goal weight also scares me because it's so...boring! I'm at a very strange point in life. One I've never been at before. I'm about to finish my graduate degree in May. I don't know what to do with myself. I know there is professional development, etc., but all my life I've had clearly-defined goals. Graduating highschool and gpa, and applying to college, and resume and clubs, and applying to grad school, and getting published and gpa. ON and on and on. I don't really have that next thing I need to work towards education-wise. And I don't yet know if I will be challenged professionally or not, or if it'll mean the same thing to me as the educational goals. I'm feeling a little lost. Strangely similarly I kind of feel that way about the fact that I recently got married. I remember when I was first dating my now-husband how I celebrated every bitty baby milestone. "This is our 2 month anniversary" "6 months down" "first birthday with you" "first Christmas together", etc. And then there was the engagement. And being engaged and planning the wedding was so fun. And then the wedding came and went and now we just are. Don't get me wrong, it's great. And part of the being great is that it is without the same kind of insecurity and work that dating took. But that part of my life is also settled. Once I've lost all the weight...what on earth will I do with myself??!!
Well that covers so many topics. Many more than I thought I would write about. Sorry for the meandering. I have just had a lot on my mind recently. Dear God, please God let me lose the rest of this weight.
