Almost Overweight...Again

Feb 08, 2016

This is not a happy post.  This is not an inspirational post.  It is blunt and harsh and real.  A legitimate meldown.

My weight has been steadily creeping up.  No surprise.  It's been going in the opposite direction from what I want to see.  The more focus and effort I try to put into restarting weightloss, the more my body and head resists.  This is miserable.  I haven't felt this helpless and doomed since before surgery.  It feels impossible.  I'm just not that strong of a person I guess.  I try to make good choices.  I really do.  I wish I could show you my meal plans and tell you what I turned down.  That for lunch today I took the bread and avocado and dressing off my grilled chicken avocado club sandwich and only ate 1/4 of it and my side was a cup roasted vegetable soup (no cream).  I wish I could show you how I drove past the fast food on Friday and came and ate my chicken-shredded lettuce salad.  I'll be the first to admit I'm not perfect.  I just got back from mardi gras.  Where I had a (ONE) beignet, yes I did.  And I'll admit I consumed alcohol.  And I ate oysters.  But I also walked a lot.  And I have a sleeve.  And I can tell you that I ate less than my much thinner friends.  WHAT GIVES?!!!!!!!  

I feel pretty helpless right now.  I told you I'm not perfect.  And I know I never will be.  And yet that feels like what's demanded of me to lose weight again.  I want to collapse into a pile of self-pity.  What's worse is, the more I try and fail (because...I'm not perfect), the more critical I become of myself.

You guys, I really truly feel like I'm doing all that I can.  I know that's lame.  I know you're thinking "c'mon Bonnie, you could've not eaten xyz."  I'm really not sure.  I actually do feel like I'm doing my best and my best isn't cutting it.  I'm not trying to make excuses or rationalize.  It's just that this is really hard.  Really hard.  Really really hard.  No bones about it.  Knowing how wonderful and liberating it was to lose the weight makes regain all the worse.  I know what's waiting for me.  I know what I'm leaving behind.  

This is as hard as it was pre-surgery.  And I couldn't lose weight then.  Not for all my life.  Not for as much as I wanted to be thinner.  Not for as much as I needed to be thinner.  Not with all the social pressures and stigma against being fat.  I couldn't lose weight then even though my calorie allotment was much higher.  I couldn't lose weight then:  what makes now any different?

I'm not the first and certainly not the last to experience regain.  I used to see others who got sleeved 1-2 years before me and see them regaining and I'll admit I thought "that won't be me."  If you're reading this right now and think "that won't be me"--just bite your tongue!  And make sure to stick to the plan!  

So today after my weekend vacation I weighed in at 164.2.  Gasp.  15lbs. over my lowest and a good 12lbs. above maintenance.  When I logged my bmi, it was 24.9.  ONE TENTH of a point away from being overweight.  If that can't scare me back on track, I don't know what can.  Will my new milestones be counted by how much weight I've gained?  

Someone just suggested I seek help or counseling something like overeaters anonymous, etc.  I suddenly felt very defensive.  I really wanted to say "buuuutt I don't have a problem!!"  They say acknowledging you have a problem is the first step.  But I honest-to-goodness am not there yet--I still dont' think I have a problem.  I know for a fact that my friends eat more than me (lots more--like twice) and weigh less than me!  They eat the bread on their chicken sandwich.  I'll admit I was a little taken aback when I received this kind piece of advice about seeking help.  See my blog a few months ago "I could lose weight if I wanted to."  I still feel like it's all a conspiracy.  My body sucks at metabolism.  I believed that before my surgery and I believe that now.  

My husband tries to be helpful and responds with tidbits like "No it doesnt.  You were able to lose a lot of weight when you restricted your eating after surgery."  Yeah.  By starving.  Except back then it didn't feel like starving because my restriction was so strong.  Now it does.  I had to eat like 500 calories a day to lose this weight.  Like hair falling out malnourished eating to lose weight.  Is that honestly what I have to do?!  I don't know why I thought it'd be different now.  That I'd suddenly turn into a normal healthy person.  I've only ever lost weight when I was eating sub-1000 calories.  And I don't think I can do that now.  I'm not superwoman.  I don't think that makes me an overeater in need to counseling.  Maybe I'm still in denial.  Maybe my body sucks.  I'm feeling totally and utterly helpless right now.  I wish somebody could understand and comisserate.  And help.  I just want someone to say "you don't have a problem.  We all have struggles.  Your body struggles to metabolize efficiently.  But unfortunately if you want to lose weight you need to make some changes.  You poor baby.  I know it's hard.  But you're not far from the mark.  You've done amazing things.  And you've only gained 15lbs."  

It's not easy!!!  I don't know what to do.  I'm just not good enough at this.  Maybe I don't have enough self discipline.  Whatever it takes, I apparently don't have it.  

Meltdown over.  Back to my hot tea.   

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05/26/2010
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Aug 26, 2009
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