Marie Cicogni

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I don't know where time goes ... how itbeen three years since I last posted.

... and though 2019 was a fairly normal year, 2020 and 2021 were certainly not normal - at all for any of us. 

We all know all hell broke loose in March of 2020 - and then the longest year of my life began on April 1, 2020 - I was diagnosed with HPV P-16 Positive Base of Tongue Squamous Cell Carcinoma - throat cancer. By May 5, I was I was starting 3 extremely agressive sessions of chemotherapy (Cisplatin) and 35 sessions of radiation on my neck (5 days a week for 7 weeks).  On May 8 I had a J-tube installed in my "old stomach" for feeding and lived on a feeding tube for a year.

The two months of treatment were easy compared to the year of recovery from radiation and the remaining after effects of not only that but of chemo.  While I finally regained my ability to eat by mouth in late March/early April of this year, it is still a challenge due to a still sensitive throat, somewhat challenging swallowing, about 15% of normal saliva production and an always present coating of mucous while my body tries to compensate for the lack of saliva.

In the process of being on a feeding tube, I lost 55 lbs - from 174 to 120 pounds. My nutrition that year on the J-tube was cartons of liquid formula - that's it. I could barely sip water and hot tea. I wasn't able to take in (even through the tube) more than 900 +/- calories a day beacause each feeding would take a minimum of an hour plus, and was only about 300 calories each, plus trying to get as much water as possible (hydration) into the feeding tube took even more time.  

Imagine then starting to eat again - back to that place of ONE soft boiled egg filling up my pouch - how on earth was I suppose to EAT enough calories to maintain my weight and not continue to lose?  The criteria for having the tube removed was to maintain weight for a month without using the tube.  It took me 2 months to achieve that. And through forcing myself to eat through out the day - and eating (not our normal protein first then vegetables structured for weight loss) as much high fat and calorie foods as I could in addition to getting in protein and  vegetables - it still feels like I am eating all day long - to simply maintain 120 pounds. 

I certainly never saw myself in this kind of situation - but there it is, my friends!

But I'm a year and a half cancer free - and maintaining a normal, healthy weight and BMI.  Life goes on.

And a word about the type of cancer - notice I said HPV - Human Papiloma Virus - it's that stuff we are told to have our kids and grandkids vaccinated against when they are in middle school - THIS TYPE OF CANCER IS WHY WE HAVE THEM VACCINATED!

90% of sexually active adults will get HPV at some point in their lives.  There IS NO symptomology - and no test to determine if you have it. Most people's bodies will clear the virus out of their bodies within a year or so. Those whose bodies don't clear the virus can carry it for DECADES with no symptoms.  And at some point (mostly in adults over 40 - 50, or in my case, 70) the virus turns into cancer.  In some people it manifests as a genital cancer - cervical or anal.  In some people it manifests as an oral cancer.  If you are lucky enough to get the POSITIVE factor, it is highly (85-90%) curable with a highly agressive form of treatment and will not metastisize in other areas.  If you get the NEGATIVE factor, it has a much lower cure rate and poorer outcomes. 

What has and does get me through this day in and day out?  Courage, humor and grace.   Every day. 

My favorite humor in this?  Hey, the upside is that I lost all my regain - but I wouldn't recommend the diet.

Be well my friends - and here's to a better 2022. 

Yes, the 2018 Holiday Season is OVER! 2019 is two days away.   I don't care much for resolutions because, as we all know, for the most part none of us are resolute. 

I do need some direction in my head, though - a point of focus.  A word.  My word at this time of my life is MINDFUL - it applies to all areas of my life - in how I interact with other people (especially those I love), how I conduct my affairs, and how I treat myself to name significant ones. 

It's so easy to take for granted our relationships with others and ourselves.  It's too easy to overlook taking the time to say I love you - to hug your loved ones.  It's too easy to let our personal affairs slide sometimes because we think we're too busy.  And we are always the last on the list of "things" to take care of.  

This is my year to be mindful - especially with myself and my loved ones. 

• Mindful of how I conduct myself
• Mindful of what I eat
• Mindful of how I exercise my body
• Mindful of how I allow other to treat me

This week I read something said by the fictional character Meredith Grey (Grey's Anatomy) that, thank you whomever wrote the script,  truly resonated with me for this year - 

"So, do it. Decide. Is this the life you want to live? Is this the person you want to love? Is this the best you an be? Can you be stronger? Kinder? More compassionate?  Decide. Breath in. Breath out and decide."

Be mindful my friends.  Mindful of where you are in your life, what you are, what you want to be.  Be mindful of how you treat yourself.  Be strong, be kind, be compassionate - 

Happy New Year!

 

 

Merry and Happy everything!  

Six months later and I realize I've lost another 10 pounds - 25 more pounds to my happy place!

Time flies by and so does life - don't ever take anything for granted.  

I'm still not being perfect - but continuing to focus on eating mindfully.  

It's been an interesting year.  I sent the friend with benefits on his way - it seemed simply useless.  I went to Norfolk, VA at the end of June for a meeting professionals conference with other Sacramento associates - my first time there made it an enjoyable trip.   The end of July I went to Honolulu to my 50th class renion - was on the planning committee - another fabulous (albiet quick 4 nights) trip "home"!  Got to catch up with many friends!  

As off the wall as it may sound, somewhere along the line this summer the "the ex" and I have grown (platonically) closer - he calls it "best friends" (how about best friends without  benefits?  ).  We both acknowledge that though we chose to divorce, we still love each other and want to be in each other's life - in whatever form that takes. Neither of us are seeing anyone.  We spend a wonderful 10-day vacation in Princeville/Hanalei, Kauai in October and are already booked to go back next year for 2 weeks - 1 week with family and 1 week with friends.  

All this is being said as a reminder to post ops that LIFE goes on in spite of where our heads are.  We CAN if we choose to continue to be mindful of what we stick in our mouths.   

Remember that this Holiday Season!  And also remember - PROGRESS NOT PERFECTION!  

Hugs - 

So I'm 10 days in from my June 11 blog post - got my head on straight - and in 6 days have lost 2.8 lbs. I have chosen to dedicate to a low carb/moderate fat program - as I should have been doing all along.  DOH! 

And while I am not being PERFECT, I am eating mindfully and am making PROGRESS.  Thank you Dr. Connie Stapleton, for reminding me of that - Progress Not Perfection.   

My target is 20-22 carbs a day and 90-100 grams of protein a day.  And of course, the requisite minimum of 8 glasses of water a day.   I'm at the point where I am finally feeling leaner intestinally, rather that bloated all the time.  Getting in walking almost every day at least 30 minutes - or (lucky me) a good, healthy sexy encounter with my friend with benefits (I am not looking for another relationship right now after being widowed 26 years ago and 2 subsequent divorces).

  

This is probably on my tracker, but I like to see it ...

Highest Weight - 225 1/15/2005

Surgery Weight - 195 6/15/13

Lowest Weight - 130  5/26/2006

Happy Weight - 140-145  1/20/2008

Highest Regain Weight - 192  2/28/2018

Current Weight - 179 6/21/2018

I can do this!  

So Can You!

 

I am now 13 years post op - and life just keeps on happening - you have to know that, especially you who are just beginning your journey.   LIFE JUST KEEPS ON HAPPENING - head battles just keep on happening. 

In the last 6 years I have:

• 4 years ago had a now 43 year old son collapse mentally from Bi-Polar disorder - he has lived with me since and it has been a constant struggle to keep him from self-medicating in addition to his bi-polar meds
• Walked away from a marriage because of my son - I love my ex but he does not have a clue about mental illness and it's impact on a family. I am grateful that we still remain friends
• Have finally retired from 49 years of working full time but am SEMI retired as I still need supplemental income
• Have continued regain from the stresses of head battles. 

I always have to take advantage of those moments of clarity where I am in the headspace that got me to have WLS - I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired to coin a 12-step phrase - I'm not really sick - but definitely tired of living in this regain.

13 years ago 'NEVER AGAIN' was my mantra - well, wisely say never say never again because unless you control your headbattles and are EVER VIGILENT, that creeping regain is always banging at the door.

This morning I weighted 180.6.  Amazingly 3 pounds down from a week ago on my way to a 5-day conference.  Today I am cognitive of what is going in my mouth.   Another coined phrase from 12-step (which I am not personally involved in, but have family and friends who are) ....

JUST FOR TODAY.  Let's get through today.

Love and light ... 

 

 

Gaad .. I don't realize how long I go between posts .... almost 2 years! 

Well, much has changed in the last year and 10 months - my daughter is finally finalizing her divorce from the abuser - I left my job a year ago - have been on unemployment since February.  Filed for bankruptcy last October - am in the last phase of that.  Not my proudest accomplishment, but a necessary one as at 61 the realistic odds of finding work are pretty low. 

My BF and I spent much time working on our relationship and our individual issues and I moved back in with him last September - and we got married in December.   Through all the crap of the last 2 years I managed to gain another 10 lbs, so am at a total 30 lb regain from my "happy weight of 135" .... I finally got my head out of my hiney and am back on my vitamins, protein shakes and beating the carb monster down.   A little over a week of vitamins and protein have already made a difference, so maybe soon I'll start heading down the scale.  The one "battle" I still have is alcohol .... even the 1 or 2 a night are, I'm sure, making a negative impact on my ability to lose. 

So I am jumping into my WLS community with 2 feet - into my efforts with the Weight Loss Surgery Foundation of America and being VP of Events, and on the Chapter committee.  We are organizing chapters around the country and as head of the Northern California chapter I am starting a peer support group.  I think it is more for me than anyone else!

Life always goes on, my friends, and so we need to be mindful always of where our heads are with our eating.  HEADBATTLES!   They never do go away.

Love to you with yours!

March 8 - inner circle friend tells me at her mother's funeral that she and her husband are separated
March 9 - another inner circle friend tells me she has quit her job and is entering therapy for emotional abuse from her employer
March 10 - I learn my brother & sister in law have been relieved of a property management position they held for 25 years
March 12 - my "room mate/friend" has a flashback to abandonment issues from his childhood (because I was home late from work), gets mad, drinks, gets madder, and proceeds to tell me to get my sh** out of his house ... 
March 13 - I move in with my daughter & son in law at his invitation
March 17 - brother (above) is taken to emergency delusional and in diabetic shock (extremely hi blood sugar) and dehydration from stress
March 19 - SIL looses it, physically attacks my daughter and then he decides he's done with the marriage and moves out 

Will it please stop?????????????????????????




 

Interesting .... week this week .. full of many emotions, concerns, thoughts ...

One of my best friend's mom passed away about a week ago - drove down to her funeral service (Sacramento to Lompoc - 6 hours) - nice to see Sam anyway, to give her that "I'm so sorry, I know how your feeling about mommy passing away" hug - she told me that she and her husband are living separately .. more pain for my sweet friend. 

On this overnight trip I also met up with 2 other friends. One I haven't seen in 7 years -had dinner, watched a movie - remembered why I enjoy his company so much - he's just a sweet, nice, adorable, dorky guy. I'm happy to have him back in the circle of my life.

The other friend was my first serious crush in Jr. Hi. - I talked to him briefly about a year ago, knew where he worked - and on a spur of the moment decision, called then dropped in on him at his job ... it was really nice just saying hi and realizing what a truely regular guy he is!  Will get to meet his wife in August at a class reunion.

Got home Mon night - heard from another very close girlfriend that she finally quit a job she's been extremely unhappy at for a year now.  She is an emotional wreck.

Then found out Tuesday night that my brother & sister in law were terminated from their 25-year position as managers of an 80-unit duplex complex, have to be out by the end of the month - and they are moving to Idaho.  They are devastated - bewildered - and at 66 my brother knows he will be hard pressed to find work.  So after 25 years of dedication and very little benefits, they will be living on social security and unemployment.  What a crock of shit.

And my housemate/"buddy" is at a pity party over issues with his ex-wife.  She takes every opportunity to dig at him, guilt him, etc., and he buys into it every time.  It's over - their marriage - why can't they just simply walk away from hurting each other?

And I still need to figure out what to do about my financial situation which is growing more critically ill every day.

Thank goodness it's friday ... 

I find it amazing that my journey through WLS began 5 years ago ... after a lifetime of weight struggle.  And that journey continues ... it will never be over.  After 2 1/2 years of remaining at a very stable 135 lbs, over the last 2 years 20 lbs have crept back into the picture. I can only look in the mirror and ask the lady looking back the question ... why?  Carelessness ... lack of commitment. All the things on the check list that we were suppose to watch for.  Life ... I think life getting in the way is a lot of it .. though, wasn't it life that got me 100 lbs overweight?  That was my excuse.  Funny ... those headbattles never DO go away. Death of my mommy, divorce, changing jobs, losing a job due to the economy, being on unemployment for 9 months just as credit card interest rates skyrocketed ... credit issues mounting ... a new job that pays 65% of what the last one did ... fear ... uncertain relationships ... LIFE> it doesn't change because we have weight loss surgery. 

So as my dear mommy used to say ... I've just got to pull up my big girl panties and deal with it! Deal with finances, weight gain, relationships .... LIFE ...  PAY ATTENTION!

The thing is ... life is good in many respects and I am absolutely grateful for all the good things in my life ... and at the same time terrifying as I have serious issues to deal with and no one to really turn to ... being a single orphan has it's disadvantages ... 

And so it goes ... today is the first day of the rest .... guess it's time to make a difference ...

love to you all!

And life continues evolving - I am 8 days short of 2 years out.  

PHYSICALLY - Today I weigh 136 lbs.  Today I am still absolutely grateful for this surgery and th elife it has given me back.  Every single day I am aware of my eating - of what I can eat, what I can't eat - what I eat that I shouldn't - how it affects my weight - how much water I drink - how much protein I eat - did I take my vitamins today? did I exercise today?  How am I physically feeling and why? How is my nutrition affecting how I am feeling?  Did I exercise today?  

It all remains an every day evaluation.  This is what we wanted - this is what we need to do!

EMOTIONALLY - My mom's house just sold and I have moved on (after living with her and in her house for seven years).  My ex finally moved on when the house sold (he rented a room from me) (as odd as it sounds we make much better friends than spouses).  The last three weeks have been ones of closing (emotional) doors and opening new ones....ending chapters and starting new books.  DOING THE BRAIN SURGERY THAT STOMACH SURGERY IS NOT to insure that I will not return to who and what I was 2 years ago.

Life is good - I am strong and confident - depending on myself to make my way in this world and depending on myself for my happiness and sense of fulfillment... taking full responsibility for everything that happens in my life - good, bad and indifferent.  And I love it!!!!!!!!!!!

Do your work, people!  You will succeed - if you want to.  Take responsibility for your own physical and emotional health!

Love to you all who are struggling as well as succeeding!

Marie