Blargh.

Aug 15, 2018

So. In early July I got all Motivated™ and was doing really well with my exercise and eating for, like, two weeks. Then something snapped and I went off the rails. This snapping sensation and subsequent derail coincided with or was a symptom of a spell of Very Bad Depression™ which I'm just now (in mid August) clawing my way out of. It's been a weird month and a half, for real.

Anyway, I gained a bunch of weight. Had a follow-up appiontment at the C4WLS today and, oof, up to 181. I think that's the heaviest I've been post-op (well, maybe matching the record I believe I set sometime in early 2017) and I do not care for it. I've got some mental health stuff going on (see aforementioned depression) but I'm working on it. "Working on it" includes but is not limited to: Seeing my counselor, getting back on the Wellbutrin I straight-up forgot to have refilled several months ago and never followed through on refilling (!), and scheduling an evaluation with a neuropsych to see what's up with ye olde executive functioning. Is it ADHD? Is it a learning disability? Neither? Something else entirely? Just a series of deeply entrenched maladaptive coping mechanisms to work around certain basic life skills I never bothered to master? We'll find out! I hope!

I also scheduled a couple tests I was supposed to have had prior to today's appointment at the C4WLS but forgot (I really do worry about my brain these days), reordered the CPAP supplies I desperately need—that was another source of procrastination and shame so it's good to get that out of the way, and...what else? A couple other items on the to-do list got tackled today. Gotta build momentum. I do feel better knowing a few of those tasks have been taken care of.

Anyway, back to my weight. Considering all the brain stuff and other stuff going on, my ARNP at the C4WLS suggested that for now I just keep on keeping on with food and focus on getting, like, any exercise. Take a walk. Just walk, once a day. I think I can do that, at least most days. I know this sounds kind of pitiful/noncommital, but there have been days recently where I truly Could Not. Other days I probably could have pushed through the brain fog and exhaustion, but didn't. I'll push through on the days I can. I have to. Because of the weight gain + brain stuff etc, my ARNP wants to see me back in about a month. I think that's good. I'm glad of that.

So. Not really seeking advice or anything, just venting/sharing. I know what needs to be done and for now I'm kind of in triage mode, just trying to do what I can in manageable steps. Not a thrilling or inspirational update, but it is what it is. Really hoping I'll be feeling and doing better by my next visit to the C4WLS in September. I think I will be.

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