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Number Six is simultaneously "weirdly comforting" and "infuriating." It feeds (ha!) my hysteria about accuracy and nutritional information in MyFitnessPal. 

Argh. I uploaded several photos, and I swear to god I created new albums to put them in, but they're all just "Uncategorized" now and I can't seem to move them or create a new album or anything?? What is going on? Is it because I have an Adblocker enabled or something? Argh, again.

I'm tired and have a headache. I think I'll go to bed and see if I can fix this tomorrow. Hmph. 

EDIT: Okay, I either fixed it or made it worse. I REALLY need to go to bed. Good night, OH.

I'm still ridiculously irritated that OH ate one of my blog entries from a couple weeks ago, and that's part of why I haven't come back to update in a little bit. Ugh. Give me back my slightly thoughtful screed, Obesity Help! Give it back!

Anyway.

I am doing okayish. Been consistent about tracking during the workweek (even though it is such a bummer, omg, and it drives me crazy when I have to choose a best-guess food item from MyFitnessPal's database instead of just scanning something—but that's my madness to live with). I've gone over in calories a few times but not by shocking amounts. I have been a little reckless on some weekend days, but honestly not as bad as I'd feared when I mentally gave myself permission to not track on weekends. 

I feel brittle and raw this evening. I am so unbelievably stressed at work. This is honestly the first job I've had in a long, long time (maybe ever) that is mentally taxing to this degree. Frankly, I've had a lot of jobs where I didn't have to, uh, challenge myself too much. And now I'm making a lot of mistakes. My anxiety is through the proverbial roof. I spend a majority of each workday with my heart racing and my mind blanking because, well, anxiety etc ad nauseum. It's exhausting. And the worst part is that I don't have a real sense of perspective or proportion about mistakes on the job. Everything is The Worst Thing Ever and I am The Worst Employee Ever and Nothing Will Ever Be Okay. Which is numbing to the point where I make more mistakes than I would have otherwise (of course) and lack a feeling for how I'm actually doing for someone two months into the job. Do I suck? Am I okay? I have no idea! Fortunately my boss is an A+ communicator so I'm, like, functioning. But my head is a mess and physically I am very, very tired because a near-constant sense of panic is pretty goddamn tiring. 

What would really help would probably be someone who could sit down with me and strategize some concrete ways to (A) get on top of all the things I feel are slipping away form me and piling up and getting lost in the shuffle aiiieee, and (B) help me stay on top of things once I'm out of freak-out mode. Maybe I should get in touch with my old therapist or take advantage of the EAP at work. We'll see. I've been here two months. It's not sustainable to exist in this state of perpetual self-induced terror. Dunno exactly what I'm gonna do about it but if I'm still feeling like this on, say, Friday evening I'd better do something. 

How else am I doing? Woefully under-exercised! I got sick again. (Third time since goddamn Boxing Day. This cold season has been the absolute worst ever. I haven't been the only one relapsing once or more, but—knock on wood—I seem to finally be over it.) Being sick kind of killed my ability to work out for a week or so, and I just haven't made time for it since. Oops. My husband and I did get a pretty decent walk in on Sunday: about 1.8 miles down to the local Buddhist temple for their annual Sukiyaki Dinner fundraiser, and the same distance back up some very serious hills. That was fun and felt good. Need to hop back on the treadmill but in all honesty it just isn't going to happen tonight. Or tomorrow, probably. Maybe I can set a nice, obtainable goal for myself and feel better about life by obtaining it: I'll work out For Real on Friday after work. Hey, I bet that'll help with ye old anxiety, too. 

I'll put a reminder in my phone now. 

Oh, and my body decided to have a period this month despite my explicit instructions to the contrary. (I'm on birth control and skipping spacer pills because seriously, to hell with my period.) That could be contributing to my general sense of fragility and weirdness. (Like, I got all Weird About Food at the grocery store earlier tonight. Usually I can be pretty chill while food shopping but tonight I was just stalking around in a fugue state of sadness/self-pity/rage because I wanted lots of things that I'm not supposed to have and oh, the resentment and bitterness and inner turmoil.) (Yeah, anyway, that's not unheard of for me but I bet this time it's a stupid menstrual thing.) (Ugh.)

Seriously, why can't I tag blog posts anymore? I want to tag things! I'll finish up with a couple self-indulgent work restroom mirror portraits so you can see my darling EShakti dress: 

My 23-Feb entry disappeared, and then the one I just posted is showing up as 23-Feb instead of 24-Feb. Halp??

Today was mostly about me being stressed at work. Just internal head-stuff mostly, trying to get a handle of keeping track of things that need tracking, knowing how to do things, etc. I'm so happy to be there but I really wish I could just fast forward to the part where I know how to do my job. It will be a happy day when my presence saves my boss work instead of creating more work for her. But such is the life of the newbie, I guess. Trying to be philosophical about it, keep things in perspective, etc but I do take this specific type of stress very hard. I'm working on taking it one task at a time and being more aggressive about time management. (Blah blah; sorry, this is boring!)

A lovely thing, though, was taking my parents out to celebrate my dad's birthday. We went to our favorite Italian restaurant and I did okay. Ate about half a small salad and demolished a cup of my very favorite lentil and Italian sausage soup. Then I had some mozzarella with marinara that I intended to mostly share with my parents and sister but, uh, kind of ate most of myself. (No regrets! It was delicious.) I eschewed dessert. I was actually feeling pretty sane so it didn't bother me that Mom and Dad and my sister each ordered dessert; I was happy for them to do so. I lived vicariously through them. Normally, over the past year or two, I might not have ordered my own dessert but I would have helped myself to many bites of theirs, or talked someone into splitting something with me. But no bites! No sharing! That's nice. I'd love to hope that's a permanent shift, but I know myself well enough to understand it probably isn't. I'll just have to remain vigilant.

Tonight is also a great example of why tracking my food, water, and exercise can make me a little crazy. (Or a lot crazy.) I've been doing great at tracking this week (well, since I started on Tuesday.) But the restaurant we went to tonight isn't a chain and as far as I know doesn't make nutritional information available. So I had to guess. I had to find things in MyFitnessPal that looked like they might be kind of close to what I ate, maybe, I hope. I do not care for this. If I'm going to track, I only feel okay if I can be reasonably sure what I'm entering is accurate. That's why one of the pitfalls for me when I'm tracking is that I default to things with scannable barcodes. It's an accuracy hangup, and it's really weird and unhelpful but honestly I don't know if this is going to change. Whenenver I eat at a restaurant or someone else's house or whatever (while I'm tracking) and have to enter best-guess stuff, I always make a note that I'm estimating and enter what I really ate—but it still disturbs me, like, way way more than it should. (It's not so bad if my husband and I are cooking at home and I can take the time to enter everything accurately as a "recipe" into MyFitnessPal, but once it's out of my hands...!) Anyway, I hate guessing and I am so bothered that my diary for today is technically inaccurate. ¯\_(?)_/¯ 

My estimates for what I ate for dinner put me over my calorie goal, so I had some extra motivation to hop on the treadmill when we got home. I'm glad I did that. Now I'm pleasantly sleepy and will put myself to bed. Tomorrow? No tracking, ha! I'll try to keep to "the rules" more or less, but I am taking the weekend off from MyFitnessNemesis. <3

(I don't anticipate updating daily, but I am trying to build some momentum and accountability, so it feels like the right thing for now.)

Major disappointment today: literally no time to exercise. Immediately after work my husband and I had to run to a committee meeting for the org where we volunteer, then grab a couple things at the grocery store, now home and...it's already past my bedtime and I am in danger of falling asleep at the keyboard. I know it's important to carve out time to exercise, but today it felt impossible. Part of that is the ever-present fatigue, which was definitely made worse today by how lousily I slept last night. Just bad sleep, and plenty of nightmares. Here's hoping tonight will be better.

On the upside, I came in under my MyFitnessPal-generated calorie goal, so...yay? 

Tomorrow will also be a challenge since we have friends coming over to game pretty much right after work, but in that case I think I can talk myself into squeezing in maybe fifteen minutes on the treadmill before they arrive. We'll see. I'll try. I really don't like the idea of going two days in a row without dedicated exercise time. 

There was cake in the office break room today as part of a celebration for folks with February birthdays. I sang along to Happy Birthday but then went back to my desk and eventually contented myself with a protein bar. (Such martyrdom!) Sigh. Every time I resist something like that, it makes it a little less difficult to resist next time. Besides, it's helpful that I only recently started this job—if I'm thinking of myself as someone who has never eaten sweets at the office, it's easier to be that person, if that makes sense. (Rather than being the person who ate five cupcakes last week but turns down doughnuts today, you know?) A new job feels like a new chance to be a slightly more responsible version of me, and I don't want to mess that up. (Even if literally no one at work pays attention to what anyone else eats; it's an in-my-head thing, but that's a powerful type of thing, so.)

Zzz. Off to beauty sleep. 

PS: staying hydrated is for chumps. 80+ ounces of fluid today so I was basically peeing every five minutes all damn day. Bah! 

So today was my first day really holding myself to the higher standard I hope will get me back down to 170 and then (fingers crossed) to 160. It was kind of arduous but also not; the only really harrowing thing was that by tracking my food, water and exercise I was forced to think about how recklessly I've been eating and drinking over the past however many months. Definitely behavior not becoming of a bariatric patient. Even aside from stark reminders of past shame I'm not loving tracking. It pings a weird crazy-center in my brain and can be kind of a bad scene, so I'm planning to give myself weekends off from tracking. (Not from eating right and exercising, just from cozying up with my old nemesis, MyFitnessPal.) Maybe at some point I'll write a longer screed about why tracking food and exercise can make me a little nuts. But for today it was okay, and I think if I limit tracking to weekdays that should help keep the madness at bay. We'll see!

I even hopped back on the treadmill for the first time in forever, and whoa my god was the ever humbling. Let's hear it for a 24-minute mile, yeah! Yikes. And it didn't feel like taking it easy, not at all. I was short of breath throughout. But like I keep telling myself, it's not going to get easier if I ignore it. I know from past experience it won't be long till I get back into the groove with a more respectable treadmill habit. And once I've pushed through this embarrassing early period and rebuild even a tiny bit of endurance, I want to take that dance class I'm always talking about. So that's a goal. When I'm cranky and full of hate, I will remind myself that enduring these treadmill workouts are the best way to get to a point where I can keep up in a ballroom class or whatever. 

Yep. We'll see how this goes. Gotta put the brakes on. It'll be worth it. Blah blah. 

(Hey, unrelated, but where did my tags go? I used to be able to tag my OH blog entries, and I don't see that capability anymore. I'm bummed!)

Hey! What's up, long-neglected OH blog? Since I'm coming up on my fourth surgiversary in a week or so, I thought it would be a good time for an update. 

I feel like I say this every time I pop back in, but I've really got to get back on track making bariatric follow-up care part of my routine. For the last...ugh, now I have to do the math...21 months I've been "off the wagon" both in terms of seeking out the care I need and eating/exercising/supplementing the way I'm supposed to. I also sort of ghosted on my therapist, which probably wasn't a great idea either. (She had to cancel an appointment and I just never bothered to reschedule it, oops.) 

I have regained. (Dun-dun-dunnn) When I went to the walk-in clinic to get a sinus infection treated last month, I was up to 180 pounds. That's about 20 pounds more than I want to be and 10 pounds more than my "I am okay with this even if it's not ideal" max, so. That's something to deal with. What makes it challenging is that I still more-or-less like the way I look, usually, and it's so ingrained in my head that "if I don't look super fat then everything is A-OK!"—which basically puts me in a weird state of denial, which I have to fight. Regardless of how I look, things are not in fact A-OK. 

Things that are not A-OK:

1. I am back to being tired All The Damn Time, which really freaks me out because it means I'm getting less exercise, which in turn means I'm tired all the time, which means less exercise, which means more fatigue, etc ad nauseum. Ugly cycle, and difficult to break.
2. In addition to neglecting my bariatric-specific followup, I haven't brought my APAP machine in for a tuneup in...ugh, I don't even know how long. I ignored a bunch of "please, for the love of god, come see us and bring in your machine" calls from the medical supply place back in...December. I should get on that. I still do better with my APAP than without, but the machine is pretty obviously hurting for a bit of attention from the professionals. I think I've been reluctant to do this because (A) I am lazy and (B) I don't like to think about my stupid machine because I just don't want to have to use it anymore. I'm so grateful for my APAP, but at the same time it really is a pain in the ass. But letting it be an in-need-of-tuneup pain in the ass isn't exactly going to make it easier to live with, so I need to bite the proverbial bullet and figure out a time I can take it in. (Ugh.) 

Those two items (perpetual fatigue, neglected APAP) are the most notable things bobbing around in the Big Bucket of Not-A-OK.  

In the interest of not feeling shitty, I have taken some steps:

1. Scheduled a doctor's appointment! Finally! Not with the Center for Weight Loss Surgery, but with a primary care physician in our new neighborhood. I haven't had a regular doctor since the guy I'd been seeing retired...like, two years ago. (I know, I'm the worst.) But I have the appointment made and my boss's permission to rearrange my schedule that week so I can make it, and I even went today to get my C4WLS followup bloodwork done and asked the lab fax the results to my new doctor as well. I should have gotten my labs done, oh, probably like twice over the last 21 months and it feels good to finally get that taken care of. Scheduling an appointment with the C4WLS is a bit more challenging, but only because I just started a new job and can't really take PTO for another few months. (The other doctor's appointment is able to happen late enough in the day, and is so close to work, that I don't have to leave terribly early and my boss is fine with me coming in earlier to make up for it; the C4WLS is a little farther away and the logistics are just harder.) But I will perservere and get back up there soon(ish). It's important. I know it's important. I have to admit, part of me doesn't want to visit the clinic till I've lost some weight. I don't want to waltz in there at 180 after negligently failing to follow up with them for almost two years, you know? I realize that's terrible thinking, and I'm going to overcome it, but if I'm being honest? Shame is a factor that's keeping me from pulling the trigger. 
2. Stopped drinking caffeinated beverages after noon. I'm not supposed to consume caffeine period, but during a period of unusual stressfulness I let it creep back in (this was probably about a year ago) and it got WAY WAY WAY out of hand, so pulling back to Only Before Noon actually represents some meaningful progress. 
3. Working harder than I was before at not just eating everything I want, whenever I want. I'm still wildly imperfect and not eating on-plan, but take my word for it that I'm being a lot less reckless than I was a few months ago. Getting a new job with regular hours and weekends off is helping tremendously. I'm learning how important routine is to my overall well-being. It's so, so much easier to keep on track, or at least closer to the track, when my schedule is predictable. 

My biggest short-to-medium-term goal is to get more exercise. Now that my husband and I finally work similar schedules, we're able to do more together. Last weekend we got up early (!) on a Saturday (!!) to go to the park for a "Coffee with the Birds" event that culminated in a short walk through the woods. We're going to do it again next month, too. I'm way, way out of shape so I have to start relatively modestly with my exercise goals. Like, we went to the zoo the day before yesterday and I got pitifully winded just walking around. Two years ago that would not have been the case. So I think the key right now is just making exercise part of the routine, and once I'm back in the habit I can start challenging myself more. What I'd really like to do is take another dance class with my husband. Maybe next payday I can get serious about that. 

Anyway! Honestly, aside from the fatigue (and the frustration at having regained), I'm feeling pretty well. My mental health is doing okay, I'm excited about my new job (if somewhat intimidated), and I'm optimistic about getting back into a workable routine in terms of taking care of my health. Still very, very glad I got my vertical sleeve gastrectomy back in 2013. Life, overall, is good—and I think my decision to have surgery is a large part of why it's good now, four years later. 

Hey! How are you, OH? I've missed you. Things have been tumultuous around here, but overall it looks like Life Stuff is settling down some—and mostly in good ways. A quick recap of the last however-many-months: 

• In May, I was laid off from a high-stress, low-paying job that I loved very much and felt LOTS OF FEELINGS about this turn of events
• In June, I accepted a part-time job at a place I'd been volunteering—part-time so I could take some classes and process what happened at Former Job and just get a little breathing room and plan for whatever came next
• In August, an old friend came to stay with us while she looked for a job and tried to get back on her feet after a series of crappy events made her then-current living situation intolerable
• In September, my husband and I closed on a new house (!!!) (well, new to us—it was built in 1912) and in October we moved in...
• ...leaving our houseguest in our old place with our pack of horrible dogs while we dog-proofed the yard of the new house
• In December, still jobless, our houseguest joined us in the new house so my parents could finally sell the condo we'd been living in
• In January, she got a job!
• In February, she lost the job! ...and then a bunch of other stuff unraveled, and our already-deteriorating friendship went from Not Great to Nonexistant and she decided to go back to her home state. We are no longer in touch, but my husband and I both wish her well.

Woo, so yeah, lots of everything happening. Plus my so-called "part-time" job is not always so part-timey. Working a lot of hours, with a schedule that changes every week, makes it difficult to stay on top of things like "exercise" and "eating right" and although I'm not screwing up every single thing I do continue to struggle and at this point, imagine "struggle" is just how it's going to be for me—forever. I have recommitted to getting at least one protein shake a day, and my vitamins, and I'm staying reasonably active (thanks largely to my part-time job, which involves TONS of walking most days). 

As I ease myself back onto ye olde job market, I have to keep in mind that once I have a "normal" job again with a regular schedule it is imperative that I make time for meaningful exercise. Some friends invited us to their gym a couple weeks ago and I liked that a lot. It was a small place, and the balance was just right for me: plenty of individual attention, so I didn't feel lost in the back of a packed classroom, but not as intense as a personal trainer. When I do get a better-paying job I'm hoping to talk my husband into looking into joining. I'd also really like to take regular dance lessons again. There's a dance studio a two-minute walk from our new place, so that's got to be a sign, right? One other cool thing: the friend who invited us to her gym has also gotten me line-dancing once a week for the last few weeks. I am hilariously terrible at it but it's fun and although I wouldn't call it an intense workout, hey, it's keeping me active and trying new things. In other words, line dancing is exactly the sort of thing I hoped wls would make possible.

How are my stats three years out? Well, I was weighed at urgent care a few weeks or a month ago and the scale said 172. But more recently I went in for a Pap smear (FUN) and was more like 168. I'm calling it 170. Which...I'm not thrilled about, to be honest. But I know why I weigh that much: I eat a lot. And way too much of the wrong stuff. But overall I'm feeling much more in control and sane than I did, for example, last spring when things were unraveling at Former Job. For that matter, I'm feeling about 1000% better than I did over these last few months when things were getting tense and unpleasant with our houseguest. (Husband and I both did a lot of stress eating. And terror eating. And rage eating.) I want to be realistic; I'm not going to be eating like I did when I was eight months post-op. But I also need to hold myself to a higher standards than "whatever, I'll eat what I want". My goal for the next couple months is to keep track of what and how much I eat, get a lot of exercise, and just generally do better. I'd like to lose about ten pounds. I think that's realistic and sustainable. 

Usually I'm okay with how I look. I won't lie; I loved being down to 150 and sometimes I beat myself up for regaining so much. But I don't think I can quite manage to hang onto that; maintaining 150 would be a full-time job for me, and a stressful job at that. Aiming for 160 seems good. 

Other things I need to do: find a primary care physician, schedule a checkup at the Center For Weight Loss Surgery (I'm so overdue, argh!), consider not eating so many cookies. 

Anyway, I bought a bathing suit today. (If you're curious, I uploaded pictures to my album as proof that I did in fact do this thing.) It was fraught and weird and nerve-wracking BUT I was able to just walz into Fred Meyer, pull a few suits off the rack, and all of them fit. (Well, one set of bottoms were probably a size too small. But I could put them on!) Even if I didn't look amazing in each of them, they fit. I had choices. Off-the-rack choices. And I found one I liked. A relatively inexpensive off-the-rack bathing suit in one try. Even three years out, this stuff still gets me right in the feelings. I think options are improving for folks who wear plus sizes, but they're nowhere near where they need to be, and every time I'm able to do something like just go and BUY a bathing suit (as if it wasn't even a big deal!) I'm reminded of how crappy and unfair the fashion industry is to fat people. Needs to improve, seriously.

...I did not mean to go so long without updating, but there haven't been too many dramatic happenings in the realm of My Exciting Post-Op Bariatric Lifestyle. There has been Life Stuff, so much Life Stuff, but the worst of that seems to have calmed down for the time being. 

The biggest thing: about two months ago, I was laid off from my job doing marketing and communications work for a local nonprofit. I saw it coming (feeling compelled to create an iTunes "My Job Is In Peril" playlist is probably a pretty big red flag) but it was still depressing and aggravating. I am still sort of stewing in my ugly feelings about how it all went down, but honestly getting out of there was a good thing. Even unemployment was less stressful than going in every day wondering if this would be the day they finally let me go. Anyway, for now I'm working part-time at a place I love and I don't feel at all bad about working part-time at a pleasant job at a pleasant place and just letting the stress of the last ~9 months evaporate. Thinking about doing some continuing-ed classes or something with my downtime, once I'm a little more settled.

My eating hasn't been perfect but I feel more sane lately, and that sanity boost means I'm eating better. Not amazingly; I'm no bariatric role model. But not bad. Way better than I have in the past. And another upside to my part-time job: walking. So much walking. Like eight to ten miles on some shifts, which is great. It feels SO GOOD to move around again and not be tied to a chair in front of a computer all day. And I've been...decent...about protein shakes and vitamins. Getting better at water. Overall, I'm okay. And for the first time in a while I feel generally positive about the present and the future, so that's cool.