Impress
3/8/07
Mar 08, 2007
The product is as easy to apply as shown in the video. If applied properly, it is undetectable under clothng. I tried a pair out today, under a v-necked camisole. I applied the tapes at approximately 6 a.m., and they've stayed in place comfortably for 12 hours so far.
Anyone larger than a D cup won't get great results, but if you wear a D or smaller, it's worth a try while you're awaiting plastic surgery. They're good for special occasion clothes but too costly to be a daily solution to droopy boobs. You can buy them at:
https://www.bringitup.com:444/cgi-bin/storeforge.cgi?action= item&id=1009
3/7/07
Mar 07, 2007
No fanfare, no parade, no grand celebrations, but yesterday marked my one year anniversary of my roux-en-Y.
Time to reflect and take stock. I am NOT the same person as I was a year ago:
I have changed physically for certain. While I have not lost as much as I'd hoped to lose (I really had hoped to lose at least 100 pounds by now), I'm very grateful for the 86. I am disappointed and often wonder if I'll ever get to 100, but have to keep telling myself that I'm incredibly fortunate to have regained my life and my health and that if 100 is meant to be, it will be. If it is not meant to be, so be it.
I am no longer diabetic. I haven't taken any diabetic meds in 10 months. I no longer suffer from fallen arches and don't have foot pain. My heels no longer crack and bleed. I don't get winded readily. I'm stronger physically and have lots more energy. I have found a physical activity other than sex that I enjoy (trikking).
I have also changed psychologically and emotionally. I now have a greater sense of self worth than I did a year ago and I am less likely to be a doormat for a man. That is a sign of personal growth, but I still feel very awkward about the choices I make with respect to men.
I am beginning to feel like I fit in with the regular crowd and that I no longer stand out as the fattest one in the room. If I want to stand out, I do so with flashy clothes and my sense of humor. Previously, I stood out as fat but funny.
I still have very bad days where I feel like I look like a house and nothing I put on my body looks flattering or attractive. I still have lots of body image issues to work through. I desperately want to feel pretty. Some days, I kid myself a bit and think it's possible. Most days, I consider myself of exceedingly average looks with a few nice features.
These days, I enjoy clothes shopping. I struggle, though, with the urge to buy anything and everything that fits. This is a carryover from my pre-surgical days when I'd be grateful to find anything that fits and would buy it because to find something that fits at those larger sizes is a rarity. Now I get to be choosy and I have to keep repeating the mantra that just because I can buy something doesn't mean I should.
Overall, this has been a very, very positive experience. Certainly, there have been days that have included physical pain. There's been a learning curve and lots of struggle. Every minute has been worth it and I would undergo the surgery again in a heartbeat. I am one of the very luckiest women I know.
___________________________
It's been a few months, so it's time to revisit the list of 30 goals. I still have a way to go:
- Not cringing at turnstiles—DONE.
- Walking comfortably through the center aisle of a schoolbus.
- Throwing out my diabetic meds—DONE.
- Sitting in a single-unit schooldesk with room between my belly and the desk—DONE.
- Not needing a seatbelt extender on airplanes—DONE.
- Not being the fattest one in the room—DONE.
- Being able to walk the Yale Loop—DONE.
- Buying naughty things from Frederick’s and Victoria’s Secret.
- Going for a haircut and not feeling embarrassed when they pump/raise the chair.
- Asking the salesgirl to find it in a smaller size—DONE.
- Choosing any seat I want, not just the one that looks sturdy.
- Turning heads—DONE.
- Crossing my legs—DONE.
- Not having waistbands or bras cut into my flesh—DONE.
- Being picky about clothes—DONE.
- Dancing without everything bouncing.
- Reading the scale by looking straight down.
- Not being afraid of the scale in any doctor’s office—DONE.
- Flirting and not looking like a fool—DONE.
- Wearing sexy shoes—DONE.
- Not feeling like a freak at swimming pools and beaches.
- Handing off my fat clothes to someone—DONE.
- Borrowing skinny clothes from someone—DONE.
- Being able to wrap a regular sized towel all the way around me at the gym.
- Not having to wedge my ass into the seats at a baseball stadium or hockey arena—DONE.
- People not recognizing me—DONE.
- A man loaning me his jacket out of chivalry, and the jacket is way too big on me—DONE.
- Really wondering, “Do these jeans make my butt look fat?” without already knowing the answer.
- Not shying away from cameras—DONE.
- Not wondering, as a man picks me up and twirls me around, whether I’ve just given him a hernia.
2/26/07
Feb 26, 2007
Overall, I've been fairly happy. There have been setbacks, though. One guy I dated (Tony) told me that he couldn't see himself dating anyone bigger than him, which made me feel like I was still enormous. Then in the next breath he also told me that he thinks I'm beautiful from the neck up, which made me feel hideous.
I told Tony that despite all the pain of surgery and the subsequent work and all that I had accomplished, in under ten seconds he successfully negated a year's worth of success and reduced me to feeling like utter crap.
Then Tony had the gall to ask that I continue to date him. I told him that he'd found my biggest insecurity and that he couldn't have hurt me worse if he kicked me straight in the teeth.
I said to him,
| After hearing what you've just told me--that I'm only beautiful from the neck up and that you can't picture yourself with someone who is or who ever was bigger than you.... In what world would I ever allow myself to be so vulnerable to ever be in a state of undress with you?! Are you crazy?! |
I continued,
| You've proven it yet again; here's the inherent difference between the sexes. You have no qualms about saying something so shallow or hurtful, whereas no self-respecting, decent woman would ever say to a man, 'You might be my ultimate, end-all, be-all lover, my Alpha and my Omega, if only you got those hair plugs.' No, no good woman would ever do anything so hurtful and mean. But a man? No compunction whatsoever. That's why women are so superior to men--we look beyond the surface. We look at character, and you've just shown me yours. A very wise woman once told me, 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them.' You've shown me who you are. I am grateful. |
Tony slunk away, knowing that there was no ladder big enough to get him out of the hole he'd dug for himself. What an idiot.
I was a basket case for days. It's amazing how deeply it affected me.
Thankfully, the man I'm seeing now (Robert) seems to think I'm beautiful. At least he treats me that way.
He's seen pictures and video of me from before my surgery, and is astounded at the change. I don't think he would have been attracted to me before I'd lost the weight, but at least he's not cruel. He's respectful, sweet, affectionate, appreciative, fun and kind. He bought me roses for Valentine's Day and took me to a wonderful restaurant. I bought him two sweaters and a Borat t-shirt (his favorite movie). It was the best Valentine's Day I have ever had.
I am still struggling with eating. A lot. That's undoubtedly why I haven't lost more weight. But it seems that Robert is good for me...I am so relaxed and happy when I am with him that I don't eat much or often. So it seems that some of why I eat is out of boredom and loneliness.
I know this will be a lifelong struggle.
I've gotten myself a new toy--a trikke (http://www.trikke.com). I have been enjoying it--it's a pretty good workout and a lot of fun, too. My new beau has one as well, and we've been enjoying riding them together.
1/7/07
Jan 07, 2007
I'm back down, to 172.4. I feel so relieved. I'm now wearing size 14 pants and 12/14 tops. I was fortunate that while I was visiting someone a couple of hours from here, I happened upon a discount clothing store where everything in the store was five dollars or less. Woo Hoo! I bought 4 tops and 4 pants. I needed them, and it was guiltless shopping.
My friend Karen suggested we take dance classes and we start tomorrow. I'm really looking forward to it. We're going to be taking salsa, cha cha, merengue for an hour, followed by country line dancing for another hour. That's two hours of aerobic fun, and it should help jump start the weight loss.
I did cancel my membership to the gym. It was pricey, and I was dissatisfied with the customer service I was receiving. Replacing it with the dancing should be fine.
This week, I turn 43. I'm having the time of my life. I'm dating aand I look and feel better than I have in decades. Literally, decades.
12/31/06
Jan 02, 2007
12/24/06
Dec 24, 2006
12/10/06
Dec 09, 2006
Yippee! The scale finally moved again. What a wonderful feeling. I'm starting to buy ladies' tops in size Medium. It's so WEIRD. Some things still require a large or even an XL. But XL is rare these days, and large is the norm. But I've bought 4 or 5 tops in Medium that fit, so I think my body is once again shifting, even if the scale hasn't been moving much. Some pants fit in a size 16. Some are good in a 14.
I find that being alone and at home is deadly for my weight loss. I eat from stress, from boredom, from lonliness. When I'm busy--and more importantly when I'm dating--I rarely think of food. Yesterday was a perfect example:
I had breakfast in the morning at about 9:30, met my date, had a wonderful day with him, and didn't put another morsel in my mouth until 6 p.m. I wasn't even hungry because I was having so much fun that food didn't even enter into my mind. That's why the scale finally shifted down 3 pounds from the day before.
The moral of the story is, DATE A LOT.
12/3/06
Dec 02, 2006
I know exactly why I've gained weight. Dad's back in ICU, my brother is in town, and we go out to eat with my mother. It's what the family does. I do so much better on my own. I have to find a way to put an end to this form of socializing without hurting them, or, alternatively, to find a way to control my compulsion to eat too much when I'm at a restaurant. It hurts physically to eat that way, and it hurts me psychically, when I see the numbers climb.
11/26/06
Nov 26, 2006
11/24/06
Nov 23, 2006
Only thing is, he didn't show up.
And he didn't call. I had communicated with him twice the day before, so he knew that dinner would be at 5:00. Unless he's lying in a pool of blood, there's no viable excuse.
He did me a huge favor. He put the final nail into his own coffin. I mean, I can (and have) put up with a lot from him, but humiliating me in front of my parents is the absolute worst. Of course, my parents were very low key about the whole thing; they noted his absence, made a remark questioning what in the world I see in him, and then proceeded to enjoy their meal. He wasn't spoken of again for the remainder of the night.
Still, he made me look like a fool, and I allowed him to do so. Consequently, I've learned a very valuable lesson: Feeling beautiful is wonderful, but feeling appreciated is just as important. Maybe moreso.
The scale climbed back up to over 180 today. I'm not pleased, but I'm not surprised, either.
