Life happens.  To everyone. 

Personally, I've been having a midlife crisis, faced with the very real prospect of being old unwanted unloved and alone.

I'm speaking in terms of finding a mate, and establishing a relationship.  Finding the love of my life for the rest of my life. Looks like I can bid that idea farewell.

I'm 58 years old.  As I've been heard to say more frequently these days:

 "Men within my age range are either in a long term relatioinship or married, gay, or dead."

It is very painful to have to face the prospect of being totally alone in the world, in terms of having no living relatives.   I have a sister who is much older than I am, and if life events continue in chronological order, she will leave this Earth before I will.

This is the reason I gave up on having a family at 35, more than 20 years ago, besides the fact that I was not married. 

For many people, marriage is not necessary to have children, but for me, it is, and yes I'm an idealist.  My husband would have had to be an active participant in parenting, and other aspects of family life.

Go for a younger man?  Nope.  I don't do "Cougar", and I'm not exactly cut out to be a nursemaid to a man much older than I am.

Cutting off posibilities? No, just coming to terms with the inevitable reality that my time for courtship and romance have passed. 

To say I'm not happy about it would be an understatement.  I'm furious, sad, and nearly inconsolable.

I did try to make a love connection, but the man turned out not to be the man I thought he was. 

I'm not putting myself through that again. 

I can honestly say that I have been in love only twice in my life.  My high school sweetheart, and the man I met in college, the man who I thought would be my husband, and who maintained a relationship with me, and said nothing about his own marriage four years ago. 

I don't wish him well.  In fact, I hope he experiences more misery than one person can possibly stand, and when that happens, that he suffers much more pain than I'm enduring now.

Bitter?  You betcha!  I wasted my life on an asshole. There were absolutely no signs.  Not one, and I'm not exactly stupid.  I would have seen them, and left him immediately.  One thing I have never done, and will not do is knowingly fool around with a married man!  Because of his bullshit, now I'm too old to be appealing to anyone else. Men don't want women their own age.  The men in my age group go for the younger women if they're single.

Don't let the photo avie fool you.  It's not current.  I had just turned 50 years old when it was taken. That was eight years ago.  Funny how just eight years can totally destroy your looks and everything else about you when you get old.  My late Mom had good genes, and my Dad was good-looking, too.  I guess I got my genes from some distant branch of the family tree.  I fall way short in the beauty department.

My face is now wrinkled, as is my neck. I have bat wings, but most of that is from weight loss,  I just have a little less elasticity there now, and the skin flaps have turned into bat wings. Wrinkled bat wings.   No breasts, just hanging, shriveled skin. Of course, I don't really have to worry about any of that.  Only medical personnel and the undertaker will be seeing me naked.

I keep wondering what I did to merit the punishment that my life is, and has been for the past 18 years.

I feel like a prisoner on Death Row must feel. A prisoner in my own life.  I go through the motions of life.  Wake up, shower, eat, do chores, eat, watch TV, eat and go back to bed.  Kind of like "Lather, rinse, repeat".

If I had known my life was going to turn out this way, I would have never had the Duodenal Switch.  It was a tool to help get me on a better road, get me back to life, a better life, and it didn't.   I never expected the weight loss to magically "fix" everything that was wrong in my life, but I did expect it to help a little, just one scintillionth, but it didn't.  I guess someone has to be the negative statistic.

I just wish it didn't have to always be me.

I met with my dietician and my surgeon's PA today (8/7/15), to address the issues with my last labs...which were the worst I've ever had.

Diagnosis: Protein calorie malnutirion, prealbumin tanked. multiple vitamin deficiencies, possible PTSD.

The nutrtional correction plan -

Since my insurance will not pay for TPN unless I am totally unable to eat normally (read: dang near dead), it is not an option for me.

The game plan is follow-ups every other month until nutritional issues are resolved. My GP will work closely with my bariatric team to help me get

my nutrition back in order.

I had a very severe emotionally traumatic event which made me sort of like a zombie.  I was walking around, going about my business, or so it

seemed, while my body was literally eating itself...using muscle tissue as a source of protein.  I had begun the process of getting back on track

myself prior to my bariatric visit today, so my labs drawn yesterday for today's (8/7/15) appointment showed my prealbumin beginning to rise,

but still tanked.  The burning, stinging and swelling in my legs was due to my body using muscle tissue as a protein source.  It has stopped, within

48 hours of returning to immediate post-op shake consumption levels (4-5  8oz shakes daily), in addition to high protein food sources - shrimp,

cube steak, chicken livers, sausage, pork chops, cottage cheese, Greek yogurt.   Wish I could afford some sea scallops - 23g of protein per serving, and scrumptious broiled or braised in butter!

On the more serious side, this is a dangerous place to be if you're a DSer.  Nevertheless, you are still human, and life happens.

I'm hoping and praying for healing and recovery from my current condition, and I'm putting in work to beat this as well.

As always, I'll keep you posted.

In case you missed it...I, at nearly five and a half years out, found myself with a boatload of deficiencies, and Protein Calorie Malnutrition.

I dropped 20 pounds in two weeks, got the most horrendous case of brain fog I've ever had. Brain fog goes along with Lupus and Fibromyalgia,

too which I also have, but because it was so bad, I'm blaming it on PCM.

The catalyst for all this was an emotional blow that I never saw coming.  I've seen a lot of game playing in my time, some more astounding than

others.  I had been walking around in a state of shock since April.  Not doing what I knew I should be doing.  Describing my state as being

stunned is an understatement.  I felt like a friggin' zombie!

I'm better now.  I'm drinking my shakes in an effort to get my protein levels back where they need to be.  I'm taking my vites.  Not the bullshit

vites, the high-high octane variety.  25,000IU -A.  50,000IU- D3.  400IU- E  2,000mcg K1.  4 Centrum Completes daily.  5000 mg UpCalD (2

packets daily for the Calcium Citrate).  Klor-Con EF for potassium (like the Fizzies drink tablets I had as a kid.  Remember those, Baby Boomers?)

After all that over the course of a day, it seems I wouldn't be able to find the time or space to eat...WROnG!!!

Chicken livers for breakfast.  Scrambled eggs with cheese and bacon for Second Breakfast.  On the road, so Double Cheeseburger from

MickeyD's  for lunch.  Afternoon snack - 2 hard boiled eggs and a slice of liverwurst (from a country market where I purchased barbecue meats

for the holiday)  Dinner - Popeyes two piece with red beans and rice, and some hushpuppy shrimp. Snack 1 -20 oz protein shake, with egg mixed

in.  (I was a little afraid of this one, because of all the talk about salmonella, but so far, so good!)  Online-time nutrition: 1 20 oz. Dark Chocolate

Protein shake  ( I make my own flavors with extracts and baking ingredients, like Herhseys Special Dark Cocoa)  I got my grams in today!      YAY ME!!!!

 Weight up today from 143 - 155.8.  We'll see how much of it was water when I weigh tomorrow.

Well....

My last labs are sucky in so many areas....AEDK's, B's,  Protein...

In a nutshell, I am in the middle of PCM  (protein calorie malnutrition), deficiencies in several key areas...just downright bad labs.

I will be going to a local hospital, on order of my PCP (she got the labs back...finally) and having a PICC line placed, and most likely, an infusion nurse will come to my apartment and administer the nutrients I need.  My PCP says no port, unless PCM becomes a recurring issue.

These past five years, I have been trying to teach every healthcare professional I come in contact with about the DS in general terms, and about mine in particular.  I keep a home file with lab results in it.  and I consult with the St. V's (Saint Vincent's-Carmel, IN) dietitians, PA's and surgeons regarding my labs. My lab here has a neat little portal called NoMoreClipboard.com where you can securely view your labs, and often see the results before your doctor does. 

Up until now, only a few blips, except I had not been able to keep my calcium levels sufficient to prevent osetopenia, which turned into osteoporosis.  I had Reclast infusions this year and back in 2013.

Here's what happened:

I had a very severe emotional blow involving myself and someone I thought I knew, but didn't know at all.

Apparently, I was spotty about taking my vites, and for the past couple of months, was not supplementing my protein. 

I now have Protein Calorie Malnutrition, as well as a number of other deficiencies.  My eyes are ok..for now.  I can still see at night.

All of you know what can and *will* happen if you, as I have said in my responses to others, "get sloppy" with your vites and your nutrition. 

That's what's happening to me now. 

I have dropped nearly 20 pounds in two weeks, now at 149.8 pounds (just weighed, moments ago), down from my maintenance weight of 165/167. 

Great, you say...no, it's not.  My PCP's loss limit was 160, no lower, due to some other health issues that I have that are unrelated to the DS, but which the DS helped.  I know, it doesn't make sense, but in a nutshell, medicines I needed to control Systemic Lupus Erythematosus flares could not be taken at the dose I needed for my body weight, which had been helped along by prednisone.  The solution was to lose the weight, so that I could better control the Lupus. The weight loss worked, I was able to utilize medicines that would not work before, and I had even begun Voc-Rehab to try to get off disability and into a new profession - Registered Dietitian  (or Dietician- both spellings are correct), specializing in nutrition for weight loss surgery patients in general, with a special affinity for DSers, since there are seemingly very few dieticians who can wrap their heads around DS nutritional requirements..  I have taken classes toward that end, but I stopped last year to have excess skin removed from my thighs, which was causing abrasions and infections, and negatively impacting my health.

I already have a BA in Telecommunications, and up until 1997, my life's work was radio news - heard but not recognizable on sight, as TV journalists are. Actually, I like it that way, as you can do what you love, and still have a normal life, unless of course you do a lot of public appearances, which I did not. 

What I want to do *now* entails getting a BS in Nutrition, doing a nutrition internship, and then extra training in bariatric nutrition. In years, the equivalent of a Doctoral program, if done straight through from undergrad.  RN would not give me enough latitude.  NP might, but it would be the same thing I'd have to do for the RD, so...you get the picture - six of one,  half a dozen of the other, and I would actually be a specialist with the RD limited to bariatric surgery patients, with the latitude of doing general nutrition if I wanted to.

Anyhow...I've got lots of stuff in front of me right now, first and foremost, getting my nutrition back on track.

Now for the wisdom.

Newbies...take your vites.  Everyday. Get your protein grams in.  Everyday.  If you need to supplement with shakes, do it.   Develop strategies to deal with major life events without allowing your nutrition to go to Hades in a hand basket like mine has.  Even normies have dietary issues when life deals them blows.  Emotions impact dietary habits across the board.  Lost loves and loved ones, family issues.  They can be deadly for both normies and DSers.  The difference is it can kill us more quickly, and is an especially ugly way for a DSer to die. 

I am determined that the thing that was supposed to give me a better life, which up until now, has, will

*not* be the thing that takes my life away.

All this said...would I have the DS again?  In a heartbeat.  I knew exactly what I signed up for.  I researched, asked questions, and for the last five years, did exactly what I was supposed to nutritionally.

Emotions took over in my situation, and I got sloppy. 

Learn from my situation. 

And most of all, circle the wagons and lend me your support, as I fight against what has become severe malnutrition.

I have a good PCP and a good hematologist, both have been with me for a long time, and have been absolutely the best to work with for my Lupus and Fibromyalgia.  On the plus side, both come

from countries where they have seen and treated malnutrition much worse than what I'm

looking at right now.  They are a husband/wife team, in the same office, so if I reach one,

communication with the other is nearly instantaneous.

In that respect, I'm extremely blessed.

I'll keep you posted. 

Today's weight -165.2 pounds. 

Smack dab at the low end of my beginning college weight range. 

I was 18 going on 19.

Wow.  Just Wow.

I hope I'm not in for a "butt chew" at my PCP appointment Tuesday!

More than once, my doctor has asked me if I'm done, and she set the 160# limit to finish losing. I feel OK, but had Total Protein, Prealbumin, Vit. D and HgB(Iron) flagged in my last labs. It may have been because of my skin reduction surgery, and reserves were not built back up.  They weren't in the "tank" category, but  I am planning to ask for a spot-check of the levels in question, though. 

The good news is that my PTH is out of the hundreds, and normal at 57. 

I'm also going to ask about a referral to an endo at St. V's in Indy, since there are more there who have experience with bariatric patients than there are where I live. I'm willing to do the drive, bus ride, or whatever it takes to get the correct care.

I had given up on believing in miracles, even though I'd been the beneficiary of them many times, even in the process of getting my DS. 

Somehow, it's always hard to see what's in the rear-view mirror when you're trying to move forward. It's hard to believe that it could happen again.  Personally, when I'm driving, I have to physically turn around and look when I'm backing up.  I don't trust the mirror completely.  It's just a reflection.  And that's great news this time! 

I was erroneously informed that I had "aged out" of the Voc-Rehab program that was going to help me realize my dream of becoming a Bariatric RD! I just got the news from my mailbox today!  I'm thinking I might be able to get back on track by summer, since it's too late already for Spring 2015.  That will give me enough time to tie up whatever loose ends I might have before I become a student again.

If you can imagine walking around feeling like there is a physical hole in your chest for the past few months, then that is an accurate description of how I've felt.  I also felt that this might be a direct result of ageism.  I think that some of that does exist, since most of the students and many of the instructors are young enough to be my children, or old enough to be my contemporaries, but for me to get this done, I'm going to have to put on blinders, and keep my eye on the thing that is most important - helping others who are walking the same road I walked more than five and a half years ago.  I hope I can do it this way.  If not, I'll find another way, and if that doesn't work, I look for yet another way. 

I may go to my grave seeking a profession that will help me help them.  If that happens, at least I will have looked, and tried to do something. Perhaps even as I'm writing this blog entry I'm helping someone in some way I may never know.

Nevertheless, as the romance author Susan Elizabeth Phillips said, as did my late Dad: "Anything worth having is worth fighting for".

In my last post...I was very close to my PCP's weight loss limit for me...no lower than 160 pounds...well,, I'm out of the "Danger Zone" now, at  168.6.  I'm not going to freak out about eight and a half pounds...but I will remain watchful.   I have "slept off" that amount before!

Nothing new in this boring little space where I live. I sometimes feel like a prisoner, serving out a life sentence, but really, aren't we all? We're trapped on this little spaceship called Earth, and if we're lucky, we may get a nugget of joy thrown our way every now and then.

Reminds me of a game my late Dad would play with our family dog, Toto. 

Toto would stay right by him and his easy chair when he came home from work; if he moved, Toto moved.  I think in terms of dog social order, he assigned Dad  "alpha dog" status.   Every now and then, Dad would reach into the doggie treat bag,grab a few, and toss one to Toto at random moments.  The way he would get up and dance around, toss the treat across the room, then run over to pick it up was his little doggy way of expressing joy.

I need a nugget in the worst way right now.  It's getting to the point where I probably wouldn't know joy if it ran up and bopped me over my head. I might possibly do what our beloved Toto did when he got older, and there was a nugget thrown his way.  He'd raise his head, watch it roll by, then put his head back down and continue being a little furry lump in the family room.  A few months after he began this behavior, Toto crossed the Rainbow Bridge, at the ripe old age of 15 (in dog years, I think that would be 105).

A life without joy is really no life at all.

Actually, I'm already ensconced in it.

My weight this morning, 158.2  - My PCP doesn't want me lower than 160.  That's not much lower, but it seems in the past week, my "Freight Train"(DS) has decided to be a runaway again, with no encouragement from me!

I am eating well.  I am drinking 2- 12 oz protein shakes a day, in addition to my food. I'm taking my vites.

Soooo...WTF IS GOING ON HERE???

I can feel the bottom of my pelvis through my butt when I sit!   I did feel it to some degree before...but not like this!

Just weighed myself prior to bedtime (way past, but I'm just now going) and I'm now 164.8.  That's probably the day's fluid consumption.

I expect to be around 160...or lower...by the time I get up.

This is pretty scary....

OH Friends and Family:

I owe you  *way* more than one.

Over the past several days, you were witnesses to my complete meltdown, after I learned that I had "aged out" of the Voc-Rehab program in my

state, that paid for books and tuition for those who were college bound.  Add to that the fact that I qualify for pretty much nothing in terms of

services, because I had a well-paying career prior to becoming disabled.  At least, that's the way my state works now, and you have the

ingredients for said meltdown. 

I will be refilling my tranqulizers today.  They're beginning to help.

At the beginning of this blog, I was hopeful, optimistic, had my sights set on fulfilling my dreams, with my biggest obstacle, 257 pounds of excess weight gone.  Unfortunately, the majority of comments throughout my life "...if only you'd lose weight...", in my case, have not rung true.

I've slugged it out, my psyche battered and bloodied beyond recognition, trying to make reality of  the dreams I had  of helping those who have struggled and been traumatized by obesity as I have in my own lifetime.

Today, Thursday, October 23rd, 2014,  I'm calling the bout.   No more swimming against the current.   No more attempts to punch, claw or kick my way through insurmountable obstacles.  I'm done with that.

A complicated, drawn out process to complete the medical issues I needed to tend to before resuming Voc-Rehab have been accomplished.   I would have been finished with my program and on my way to internship had I not gone ahead on the recommendation of my advisor to complete my  surgeries before resuming my studies. 

That's a big part of my problem.  I am too trusting of others, believing that they have my best interests at heart.  I should have known it was not his job to help me find a way to finish.  It's his job to discourage and keep as many off of Voc-Rehab as possible or find the least expensive route possible, to save state funding, especially when it comes to African-Americans who want to take the educational route and resume or start professional occupations. Service occupations only, no matter the prior education level.   Had I been among the thousands of unskilled and or uneducated who are placed at second-hand charities processing filthy items from the donation boxes, everything would have been fine.  Even one of the program coordinators who works at the largest such organization, a partially deaf woman, was not willing to help or answer questions. I was simply not worth the financial output to them.  They knew that my immune system (autoimmune disorder)  could not handle exposure to such filth as can be found on those donations, but wanted to put me there anyway. In laundry (they call it Processing).  It was that, or nothing. Unfortunately, I still have to patronize their stores, as it is the only place I can afford to buy clothes and other items when I need them, as well as StVdP (St. Vincent de Paul).  Salvation Army goods in my town are way too filthy.  I'd be too afraid to catch something from even being in the store looking, and the largest organization  always has better items than the others.

Quitting has never been any part of what I'm made of, until now.  I have in the past always been a fight the powers-that-be type, but there comes a point where you have to look at a situation and determine whether there is anything further to be gained from continuing to challenge the obstacles that are blocking achievement of that goal.

To borrow lyrics from the song "The Gambler" - "You've got to know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em."

After talking to a few relatives, sleeping on it, and trying to come up with other options, it has become clear that it's time to cease and desist pursuit of this effort.

I thank those of you, my Obesity Help family, who made the extra effort to contact me on the boards,  by PM and  some of you, even by phone. 

I listened, took notes, and internalized those positive interactions, and factored  in all of them  during my decision-making process.

I'm in the process of cleaning out my own apartment, getting rid of stuff I no longer need, doesn't work, and clothing that is too large, and has been stored forever.  I only signed a six month lease, in view of moving, so I'll have to find somewhere to live quickly, even if it's the homeless shelter.

Things like this are only supposed to happen to people who don't try, who sit around doing nothing to improve their situation.  I was not one of them, but yet nothing worked.

As I have said before, I think if I were younger,  this story may have had a different ending.  No one is interested in helping a 56 year old African-American woman change her life and help the lives of others. And no race card to be found here, for those who would accuse me of "playing" said card. 

This was my last, best hope at getting back to a normal life.

It seems most of my life, especially the past 15 years, the bright spots have been short and fleeting, with the dark times ever-present and lingering. I've had more cloudy and stormy days than sunshine in my life.  Perhaps I'm one of those people who was born to receive all the worst life has to offer.

I cannot take much more of this kind of life.  I knew that this weight loss journey would not magically change things for me.  That's not what I was looking for.  The fact that I did put forth the effort, to no avail, is the most painful, gut-wrenching part of this entire situation. All I wanted was just a little bit of the wonderful I read about in the entries of others who are regulars on OH.

Someone I spoke with on the phone yesterday suggested ministry as an option.  I've been there, too. In fact, one of the ideas I had was to try to partner with my church in providing bariatric supplies (protein powder and vitamins) at the local food pantries, and at the several that they manage at their outreach centers,  for bariatric patients like myself, or even just folks who needed them, due to malnutrition.  No takers, or at least, not from me.  And my presentation was flawless.  Groomed, business-like, armed with facts.  enthusiastic.  All fell on deaf ears. I don't even feel welcome at services anymore, and I haven't been there in person for at least two years.  I developed the online attendance habit when my Dear Mother was making her transition two years ago.

I have often told my sister that I will probably be one of those people we have often read about or heard of in the news.  Someone who will just pass away, unnoticed, to be discovered weeks or months later. There have been several in my hometown, a couple of them were high school classmates, very intelligent AP students, in student government leadership.  We served in Cabinet positions together.  I recently read another news story about a woman who went that way for three years before anyone noticed she was gone.

I know for a fact that this has absolutely nothing to do with holiday blues.  I've made a conscious effort to ignore holidays for several years now.  I cross them off the calendar just like every other day of the year.

Again, thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my blog.  The information about the procedure is real, my enthusiasm about the DS is real. It works.  You'll lose weight, but life won't be wonderful.  In fact, it may very well be worse.

Had I known life would turn out this way for me, I would have never had the surgery.

For those yet to have the DS, keep going for it.  It may make life wonderful for you, or not.  You'll have to be the judge of that.