JennaKopanyi
checking in, updates on me
Aug 29, 2011
This journey has been interesting so far, many ups and downs and for the most part I’ve taken it in stride. Even though I’ve reached many goals, it never ends. The diabetes monster will always be lurking around the corner, the urge to fall in to lazy behaviors will always be there. Time management will always be something I wish I could improve. Such is life. Life goes on, and it gets better each day.
I few months ago I revised my weight loss goal from 125 to 129 as I was sure I wasn’t going to lose any more weight. Not sure where I would have to lose it from… but when I got on the scale this morning for my weekly accountability Wii Fit informed me that 125 was a reality and not a pipe dream (125.4 to be precise). I’m still kinda floored by it. Will I maintain it? I doubt it. Will I care if I go back to 127-129? Oh heck no. Even though people piss me off when they tell me to stop losing weight that doesn’t mean that still want to lose more. I don’t. I just hate being told what to do by people who don’t live in my body. I’m happy with my body. Sure I’ve got loose skin, who doesn’t? I don’t care. I look great in clothes, I’m happy naked too, and my husband is very, very pleased with this transformation. Smart man.
We’re exploring more and more foods. In the past we were eating cauliflower crust pizza, but as the time comes closer and closer that I will start absorbing more fat again, we are trying to cut back the fat a bit and find a very balanced diet. Last night we have pizza on multi-grain and flax flat outs. As a pizza, I can eat about a half of one (shared mine with my son) and was full and happy with it. And got in more fiber than I would have in the cauliflower incarnation. Still tweaking the cauli-crust recipe, some times I mix in greek yogurt or cottage cheese so I can cut back on the mozzarella going in the crust, and we’ve been adding flaxseed meal to the mix in hopes of making it a little crunchier. He’s very brave with my experiments and will try everything. He’s honest about what he likes and is less fond of, and we’re got a great variety and rotation going on. Those of you who don’t know me well, I was the world’s pickiest eater prior to surgery. I still don’t eat a lot of things such as onions, beef, pork, deer, scallops, clams, cooked peppers, tomatoes that aren’t pulverized into ketchup or smooth sauce, etc etc, the list could go on all day, but I won’t.
My mom and grandma are flying in on Wednesday. Mom will be evicting her tenant the following day. My little family and I will be moving into that house and out of our 1 bedroom condo. My little brother (28) will be moving home from Albuquerque and renting out the basement and bringing my favorite cat (Shady) and his cat home with him. I’m very excited for this move, it means we will be able to have another baby (not right away but I can start planning and that’s exciting). We’ll be renting out the condo for around the price of the rent of my parents house (so if anyone is looking for a condo in Leesburg, VA let me know) crazy the change in the cost of living from one state to another even though the two residences are only 30 minutes apart. I’m not very excited about winter on the mountain again, but sacrifices will be made :)
My cousin is getting married on the 10th, I’m taking off the 9th to help her prepare, and I’m very excited about all this. When we move, we’ll be closer to this cousin and the rest of her family, which is awesome since we’ve been becoming closer emotionally over the past year. I’ll also be closer to my friends (yay!) even though my husband will be further away from most of his.
As for mom herself coming, I’m already bracing myself. I know that even though right now I’m excited about all this fun stuff coming down the pipe, nothing is set in stone and nothing sets me off more than a few days in close proximity to my mother. Hopefully I’ll have enough Wellbutrin in my system to deal with her more calmly and not let her get to me. I see the psychiatrist the day after mom gets here, so we’ll see if she has any suggestions. In the meantime, I am really looking forward to seeing my grandma :) and really wish my dad was coming with them, but he said he’ll come out and visit us when he is permitted to leave the area (his boss is being very possessive at the moment due to his department changing offices). Sigh.
Oh well. I’m out of steam now, so I’m going to go away now. At least for a little while. The nice OH people have approved my before and after photos so they’re up now, check them out, it’s pretty mind blowing.
Take care!!
Today Is MY Day
Jul 19, 2011
Check out this scariness...
damn.
Normies are Overrated :P
Jul 18, 2011
So, of course I am not going to celebrate my surgiversary in a typical fashion. Oh no, there will be no special dinners for me, or a night on the town... I have decided to take this week to rededicate myself to my journey. To help me with this, I am doing the 5 day pouch test. Not because I think I stretched anything or ruined my surgery, quite the opposite, I see this as an opportunity to de-tox from bad carbs, grazing, boredom eating and any other nasty habits I may hae picked up lately and not been aware of. I also think it will serve to remind me of how far I'e come and how hard I fought to get the surgery.
Today draws day one to a close. I took in over 224 ounces of fluid today, I made great choices and pretty much all day-- protein shakes, MiO, Propel Zero, jello, homemade protein pudding popsicles, an I even tried a little soup. Yes, tried, got in about a tablespoon before I had to push it away, it was too sweet! Another reason why I wanted to do this was because sweet things weren't tasting as sweet to me as they did when I was a newbie and I wanted that feeling back, when something is too sweet, I can stay away from it better.
I think the Welbutrin helped me not be hungry today (oh yeah, feeling side-effect before intended effects), so it wasn't horrible. I was a little jealous of my husbands grilled cheese (well, just the cheese, he used chedar) but I survived it. One more day of liquids to go, and I'm feeling pretty positive.
I had my 1 year check up today (real surgiversary date is tomorrow) and everything was lovely. The things that were higher are lower than they were 3 months ago, and nothing is low-bad, so yay on me. The doctor is very pleased with my progress, as am I. Hubby and I will be doing pictures tomorrow (maybe, depends on intensity of Zumba, can't have pictures with me all red and sweaty)... we'll work it out. Here's a self-portrait, for giggles...
Almost A Year In Review
Jul 16, 2011
My diabetes is in remission. I exercise daily, I even do Zumba 2-4 times a week, I wear a bikini, I can walk for miles without getting winded, I can keep up with my son, and my husband is more in love with me than ever. He has lost about 80 pounds on thsi journey as well, just by supporting me and my dietary choices. What a guy!
Every coin has it's flipside. I'm tired a lot and I obsess more about my food and weight than I used to. I don't smoke or drink or eat to alleviate my boredom anymore and with these coping mechanisms stripped away I'm starting to show signs of ADD making me wonder if it was always there but I used other things to distract myself from accepting it before now.
For the first time in my life, I have no drama, no unresolved trauma, and I'm happy. but there's anger and frustation. My PCP told me I either had ADD or depression and wanted me evaluated, but the pyschologist she wanted me to see didn't take my insurance. So I call around for an entire week trying to find someone to take me. I found a lady but she couldn't see me for two weeks. Frustration was mounting... I went to see one of my friends in a professional (unoffical) capacity. She has a masters in psychology and knows me better than anyone else in the world. We've been through a lot of drama and trauma together. She's seen the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful, and the obscene and I've seen it from her as well. while she has her degree she isnt licensed so she told me I needed to see someone who was, but after talking to me about my concerns and going through a couple checklists she tells me she believes I have ADD both inattentive AND hyperactive. Apparently the hyperactive isn't just physical in some people it's mental. she said that for normies thoughts start in a steady stream, occassionally branch off or die off but for people like us it's like standing under a giant shower head with a million different drops falling and each drop is a thought. We never know which one will hit us or where it will take us or even if it will stick around for anything length of time. And this made perfect sense to me. She admitted that she wouldn't have said I had this in high school when we met but also realizes that I've always been a high functioning individual who has to pretend she's like everyone else. That was something I learned from my mother. Have to pretend everything is normal, I learned coping mechanisms very early on in life and I also became an amazing actress. I was so good at pretending that for the longest time I didn't know what was real. Anyway.
So last Wednesday i got my official evaluation and at first she wanted to dismiss the possibility of ADD right away and told me it was depression. as the eval went on longer she started to change her mind. By the end of the session she said she was goin to code me as "depression for now" and gave me a perscription for welbutrin (which is used to treat both disorders) and told me to come back in three weeks and we'll reassess.
This is my third day on the drugs, so far I'm not really feeling any different, but I'm told it takes time. I've never been patient but at least we're moving forward and that makes me feel positive.
I think my muse is back from her vacation. I want to start writing again, it's been 3 months... i re-read a lare portion of my story only to become angry when there was nothing more after one point. I wanted to keep reading it! It's a great story and while i know it needs some work, I need to see how these people end up and how they get to their destinies. So weird to say, because this story, this entire world is mine. Shouldn't I know things? I hate that my desire to write is so stop and go, I would love to finish this book and let other people learn to love it as much as I do... I don't know what's stopping me. It's one of the things I plan to work on.
So all in all, its been a wonderful year. I no longer feel like I am trapped and dying within my own body and that in itself is a freaking miracle!
Well, I've got to shower and shave so that we can go do a family outing my my husbands coworkers family. I hope all of you are doing well and have much sunshine in your lives :)
I'm Not Dead Yet
Jul 05, 2011
So. What's new with me? So glad you asked. See that gorgeous girl in my avie? not me, the one who actually has boobs! That's my cousin Alicia, she got married this past weekend and I couldn't be happier for her. She's got a baby girl will will be 1 the week after I turn 30. Her new husband adores her adn I have never seem her happier.
She's the cousin I share clothes with now as you might be able to tell from our picture. I learned today that Alicia and I have the same smile and the same nose. I never knew that before. It's not that I didn't notice, it's just that I was so focused on my own imperfections (such as the gap between my front teeth and my weight) that I didn't take the time to appreciate what I do have in common with my family. Alicia and I weren't close growing up, I was closer to her sister who is closer to my age, but not as close to either of them as I am now becoming. I've been jealous of them my entire life and only now can I see it. I've been jealous of Alicia's body since childhood, her blonde hair and green eyes too, but I've also been jealous of that entire section of my family. Did I want to live on a farm with them? Oh hell no! But I have always envied their closeness. They function like a real family. Sure the eldest (and only boy) picks on his sisters (all three of them) but you can see the love in his eyes when he does. I've always wanted that for my very own. Now that I am spending more and more time with them, i wonder why I didn't realize sooner that I could have had this decades ago. I am a part of their family, not a part from it. Every time I come by to visit I feel myself getting drawn deeper and deeper into this family unit and wonder how I could have ever felt like I didn't belong before. They are my family and we love each other. Alicia actually tells me she loves me, more than my immediate family does. At first I didn't know how to respond or react, now the "I love you too" just flows naturally.
So her wedding was at the justice of the peace on Friday, her "reception" was a huge party in her back yard on Saturday. We came, we socialized, we had a great time! We brought turkey burger mockafoni and even though there were like 3 or real macaroni and cheese dishes, our got destroyed (don't know if anyone realizes it was healthy or not...suckers)
Hey had many activities set up, such as they have a trampoline, swing set, horseshoes, badmitton, etc set up back there. And you know what? For the first time in 20 years I got on the trampoline. I played until I sweated (in my dress) and taught my two year old the joy of bouncing. This is why I am kinda red and shiny in the picture. I took pictures of Alicia's first dance with her new husband, took pictures and a video of her dancing with her father. this was the first of two daddy-daughter dances my uncle will have to do this year, it brought tears to my eyes, he doesn't enjoy making a spectacle of himself in public, but he did it anyway and you could see the love shining through him. this uncle reminds me so much of my grandfather that sometimes i can forget my grandfather is dead because hearing uncle Robert chuckle is indistinguishable from my grandfather's deep throaty laugh. their physical resemblance is also very confusing at times, so there can be tears from time but all in all being with them is happiness pure and simple.
In other news (follow up news):
My PCP thinks that I am either ADD/ADHD or depressed. My best friend (who though is unlicensed but has a masters in psychology) did an unofficial evaluation of me and concluded I am ADD/ADHD (both inattentive and hyperactive). My official evaluation with a psychiatrist is to take place on Wednesday the 13th. She's about a mile from my work, i was thinking about walking there since I feel a lot clearer after physical exertion and I would like to be at my best to get the most out of this. I want to be able to express all my concerns and feelings and I rarely am able to do that unless I prepare speeches, outlines, or have notes with me. After doing some research I agree with my friend's diagnosis but of course will listen to what the doctors tell me.
I finally figured out WHY I am a boredom eater. Eating is something I could always do cheaply, legally, readily available. Bored? Have a cookie, eat this, make that then eat it. Eating takes time away from whatever else you were doing, it's mindless pleasure and for that brief amount of time it lasts, my brain to slow down and not exhaust me for a little while.
I've never been addicted to anything though. I smoked to give me something to do with my hands while I drove (I hate drivin, it's very boring), I drank because it was the only way I could let myself lose control, I never was able to get high during my brief experiemntation so that was a total bust. Gambling just doesn't thrill me. Casual sex was an interesting diversion but now I'm in a committed relationship. So I had sugery, can't use food as freely as before to alleviate boredom, not allowed to smoke or drink, I get laid frequently, but not every time I'm bored... my old standby diversions are pretty much lost to me, which is part of why this is surfacing now.
The other part? All my life I've had to have something bigger than life to focus on. Until about 5 years ago it was the PTSD from the multiple sexual assaults. Once those were dealt with I met my now husband. On our 3rd date I got pregnant, then my grandfather died when I was being induced, then my baby had to spent 10 days in NICU, then came the wedding, and the decision to have WLS, the surgery itself, and the weight loss. All very big things. If these weren't big enough I drew in drama or created it inside my head to the point where it would distract me from the reality of what I needed to focus on or deal with. Now that I have a normal life, I don't know how to deal with it, normal was not anything I was prepared for and I am trying to do everything in my power to not mess it up. I want this life, this healthy body, this wonderful family, my amazing husband, my friends. And yet I have all this anger, and this distractability at work. I can't stay on one thing for any length of time and I refuse to start anything, even things I love. I am perfectly happy once I am doing them, i just can't seem to get started.
I'm doing Zumba now, 2-3 times a week and i feel so much better after those classes, the instructor takes me seriously when i tell her i want to work til i sweat and sweat til i drop.
There are many other things/reasons/symptoms involved, but I don't feel like getting into them right now or with everyone. Besides, I need to wrap this up and finish the laundry, the kitchen, get some sleep... where was i?
Ahh, so I'm still here, even if I'm not as active on OH. I still log my food, I still weigh weekly. i still do all the things I am supposed to do, I'm just losing my socialness. Which is also distressing. I loved the person I was becoming before this set in. I loved being out going and social and in charge and in the thick of everything. I was becoming the person i was meant to be before my emotional stunting, before I hid behind who I thought I should be, before I hid in my protective layer of fat. I'm already turning down invites to things I know I want to do because in the moment I just don't feel like it, afterwards, i regret it. But I will get through this. I have an amazing husband, great friends, fabulous family (for the most part), and more support than many people can imagine. I'm seeking the medical help I need, so I'm going to be okay, I just need to take this leap and get where I am meant to be mentally.
I may be way off bases with this babble and that's fine, but before you tell me that, ask yourself first, how well do you know ME, the real me, and how much of what you are thinking about saying has more to do with you and your own situation, how much is true advice and how much is projection? I'm not looking for answers, I just wanted to share what's going on in my world and in my mind because some people were asking.
Take care, I've got a many more tasks to attempt to complete before bed time, and I'd like to see to as much as I can.
Getting Help
Jun 17, 2011
*I can't focus at work
*I'm always very very busy
*I can't seem to prioritize
*I obsess over trivial matters and tasks
*I don't have time/make time for things I really enjoy (I haven't written in weeks)
*I'm very easily angered
*I'm very easily offended
*I'm snacking a lot at night even though I know better and feel guilty the entire time
*I'm irritated by other people and take a lot of advice the wrong way
*I run between exhausted and super energetic rarely with any happy medium
This is the complete opposite of a me I recognize. And it's distressing. I realize I may need medication, but I'm not sure what type. Has anyone else gone through this? If so, what did they say was wrong with you? What did they give you? Anyone who really knows me, knows that the fact I'm even considering medication for something mental, will understand that this is huge. I grew up believing that if you had to resort to medication or couldn't fix things yourself then you were a failure. Let me clarify that this upbringing is not something I project onto others. If you need/chose to medicate that is your personal choice and I do not judge any by the same standards I've been raised to judge myself. It's like when I feel I was disgusting at my high weight, I don't associate "oh so n so weighed more than that so since at x number of pounds i was disgusting they must be hideously disgusting at xx pounds!" no, not at all. every person is seen foremost in my mind as a person and not by their size or issues. I'm hardest on myself, and nicest on my friends and loved ones. Just wanted to make that clear since I've unintentionally offended people in the past who overidentify with me and take what I say as a personal attack on them. It's not. This is my blog, it's all about me :)
Now I know better, sometimes you just need help. I'm not expecting a cure all in a small small. I don't expect it to do much more than help me focus to make the changes I need to. Kinda like WLS, sure it reduced my stomach size, but I have to make the right food choices, milkshakes can slide right on through, can't they? I just need a little help, and I'm grateful I can recognize it.
Please share your experiences and maybe together we can all get through this.
Cold&Anger
Jun 15, 2011
I now realized I stopped being cold when my weight stabilized. About a week ago I increased my calories from 800-1000 range to 1200-1350 range. I started losing weight again, and the cold came back. Anyone else notice this happening to them? You'd think the opposite would be true, burning calories more effectively should keep you warmer, shouldn't it? I mean it's called BURNING! Sheesh.
I don't know where all this anger I have exploding from me each night comes from. I'm not a angry person. I have a great life and things are going the way they should. But I get so irritated all the time and very easily. I'm yelling a lot and it's upsetting my husband. He hates seeing me this angry. I wish I understood the root. Is it hormones? Should I seek medication? I don't think I need cousnelling because as I said, my life is pretty fantastic. I think I just need to carve out a little more me time and get decompressed. The blow ups happen when my kid can't seem to let me do anythin gunless he is clinging to me either emotionally or physically. I feel like a bad mother. Maybe I shouldn't have had a kid. I thought I'd be a better mother than this.
I've dealt with a lot of the anger I have with my own mother so I don't think that's it either. Sigh. Tell me this is normal, and then tell me that it will pass. Please.
Fun In The Kitchen
Jun 13, 2011
Breakfast Cookie Bars:
Original recipe was for cookies but I prefer to e able to know exacly how much of the ingredients are in each serving so I poured it like a cake batter and baked then cut into 12 bars. Here's my version
3/4 cup applesauce
1 large egg white
1/4 cup almond slivers
1/4 unsweetened coconut flakes
1/4 cup banana protein powder*
1/4 cup cookies n creme protein powder*
1 square baking chocolate
DaVinci SF syrup
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 cup ideal**
1/2 tsp baking powder
1/2 ground flax seeds
Toast almond slivers and coconut flakes, set aside
Mix applesauce and egg white together, set aside
Mix all dry ingredients together
Melt the baking square with a splash of flavored SF syrup in the microwave.
Blend all items together let sit for 5 minutes.
Make into cookies or pour into a cake pan. Bake at 350 for 15 minutes.
*use any flavor protein powder you want as long as it equals 1/2 cup. Baking chocolate may be omitted if your flavors are better without it. I added this to the original recipe because teh almond joy ones I made weren't very chocolately. I love chocolately.
** I used Ideal, ut you can use any sweetener you like, I would recommend a granulated one, batter is runny enough as is.
Modified "Not Cake"
Original recipe stolen from www.genaw.com "Linda's Low Carb Recipes" i think she even borrowed it from someone else. My mods make the not cake more cake like
4 TB Butter/Margarine
4 TB Applesauce
3/4 scoop perfect chocolate protein powder*
3/4 scoop banana protein powder*
3 TB defatted Peanut flour
1 lg egg white
1 tsp baking powder
Soften butter in microwave, add all othe ringredients, pour into pre-greased baking pan, bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes or unil firm.
*Same as before, any flavors protein powder you want, make it a total of 1 1/2 scoops
Tuna Casserole
3 cans tuna, drained
16 cauliflower, cooked, coarsely chopped
2 cans green beans, drained
2 tb butter
1/2 cup chicken broth
6 ounce mexican blend cheese
1/2 cup cream or milk (I used 1.4 cup of each since I was low on cream)
old bay
Mix all ingredients together (except old bay), pour into casserole dish, top with old bay, bake at 350 covered for 20 minutes, uncover and cook for an additional 15-20 minutes
Logical Insanity
Jun 12, 2011
I am ten and a half months out from RNY gastric bypass surgery. I was keeping my calories around 1,000, my fat under 45gm, carbs under 80, and protein between 130-140gms. I still had a few pounds I wanted to see gone. Nothing doing. In fact I'd repeatedly gain and lose the same 5 pounds, for 3 months. I figured, okay this must be where my body wants me to stop since it's not doing much other than typical fluctuations...
I've found myself snacking at night a lot, and it was frustrating me. I plan out my meals finding the perfect blanace to stay in the levels given to me by my NUT and then I'd snack uncontrollably at night.
On Wednesday I decided enough is enough. I started increasing my calories, intentionally, making sure that I was eating good calories and not just snacking on junk. It worked. I was actually hungry, my body wanted more food (food with good nutrition) and now I'm no longer eating compulsively. I can stop. Not only this but I've started losing weight again. I hit my goal, I've lost 100.2 pounds and I'm estatic.
I've still got people telling me to stop and just generally being negative in any event so I try to not discuss it with them. They don't seem to understand that I've still got redistribution and bounceback to get through. I'm not sickly. a couple pounds will not make me look emaciated, though it will make a difference in my final weight after bounce back.
So I'm eating more and weighing less, who knew? I still work out 5 days a week plus Zumba once a week and we try to get out to the pool after work. I'm very active, so yeah, I think the lightbulb has finally gone off, I need to eat more. Increasing calories has terrified me in the past, but I'm okay with it right now. I understand my body needs more fuel. I think that starving (even though I thought I was doing so well) was the reason I've been unable to focus at work. Now that I'm eating more calories I'm more focused. Of course part of that might be that I was finally talked to about the amount on time I spend on OH during my work hours (even though I get my work done in a timely manner). I think I just needed someone to call me on it to motivate me. He's been giving me more to do and I've been finishing old projects so all in all I feel like I'm in a better place with my work. And now my body is doing what it should, so yay!
Still being kinda klutzy and stupid on some things, though now I wonder if that happens when I need to eat, like a cross-warning as dizziness and low blood sugar used to be my barometer for when I needed to eat, now I just get clumsy, stupid (and maybe even cold is a part of it). Yesterday when we were getting dressed after swimming I lifted my leg to put on my shorts and cracked and scraped it on the cement table they have out there. I saw my knee cap move and I have a nasty scrape. I went to be early and took some tylenol and it's no longer paining me, but it scared the crap out of me.
Today I spent a lot of time baking "not cake", breakfast bars, tuna casserole, TSP mockafoni. I cleaned and rearranged and went to the pool for an hour (DS decided it was his turn to bleed and fell into the bug trap that another kid left open~face first of course so his nose isn't pretty but I'm pretty sure it isn't broken). We ate when we were hungry, go tthings done, watched the rain storm that cut our pool time short and generally had a good night. DH came home and we hace cauli-pizza and I told him about all this (including my starvation mode theory). He wondering what the heck was fuelling me if not calories? I don't have a lot of fat left to burn and if I was burnign fat you'd think you'd see it on the scale, so that's a curiousity. All in all he thinks I'm doing the right thing in increasing my calories though he looked skeptical at first (he's of the school "If you eat less and are more active you will lose weight" since it's always works for him) This life after WLS is a learning curve for both of us and we're kinda taking everything one day at a time and going from there.
I'm thinking 1300-1500 calories a day for me, fat and protein are just fine as mentioned above, carbs can probably increase to 90-100gms as long as I am getting 25g of fiber out of it. Fiber makes all the difference in the world! Finally starting to have daily or at least every other day bm's (yeah you knew you cared about that) which makes me feel more... normal :)
Well, that's all I've got for now. I have to go input my creations into the menu planning/meals part of my nutrition tracker before bed so i have an easier time of things over the next week. I may even post some of the recipes, who knows what tonight might bring... the child is alseep, saaay maybe I'll go have that wonderfully fun type of exercise that doesn't actually burn a lot of calories.... seriously, input that activity into the activity tracker, you'll be astounded....
sweet dreams, my friends!
picture of me taken yesterday when I realized I had met my 100 pounds lost goalLooking Back to Look Forward
Jun 06, 2011
I don’t even know how to talk about this. I tried it with a picture on FB and got torn down for it. But I’ll try here anyway…
I ran across a picture of when I was getting ready on my wedding day. My cousin was doing my hair while a coworker was doing my make-up. This cousin is the one I can now exchange clothes with. You can see that she is half my size in the photo, it’s quite obvious. I am now her size.
It breaks my heart that I let myself get as big as I did. It’s not just that I look at it and feel I was unattractive, though in part this is true. I wish I could have been more beautiful for my husband on our wedding day, he’s an incredible man and deserves the best.
The outside packaging was the physical aspect of how bad I let my health get. I had no business promising forever to him when I didn’t know how long I had. I was refusing to take care of myself. I was as bad as my aunt. I found excuse after excuse to not get the weight off. They were good ones too. I couldn’t balance blood sugar, insulin, breast feeding, and exercise. How hard did I try? In my two week pre-op diet I was off medication completely, I haven’t been back. So how hard did I try to get healthy before I turned to weight loss surgery? It might not be the easy way out, but it was the cheapest way for me. Now that the weight is gone and I’ve watched it leave I understand what I could have done differently. I eat as many carbs in a day now that I used to consume per meal, no wonder my blood sugar was out of control. Did I really need those all you can eat wing nights?
Yes, I loved food, I loved feeling full, and I was killing myself. I didn’t exercise when I was pregnant because I didn’t ask what exercises were safe. I didn’t work very hard at all after the birth of my son for my wedding eight months later. When I exercised I had less milk and I used that excuse to not do it. I’m a jerk. I’m ashamed of myself and the excuses I clung to.
So on my wedding day I got married at my heaviest weight. My husband tells me that he saw me walking down the aisle toward him and he nearly passed out he was that overwhelmed by me (in a good way). I’ve even told him that I wished I were healthier/smaller/prettier for him on our special day. His response? He probably would have passed out, no almost to it. I know he loves me and sees me as beautiful no matter what weight I’m at, but the eyes of love are not the same as the eyes of good health.
We are our own harshest critics and I’m picking at something I can’t go back and change. I’m very grateful for the life I have. My husband is amazing and I’m glad that the rest of our days will be in good health. I’m excited that we have a longer expected time together and that I won’t end up helpless due to diabetic complications. I don’t want to be taken care of, I want to be a healthy able bodied full partner in my marriage. Now I can be. Is it not normal to wish to have been able to start life together that way? I know I can’t take back yesterday and I really wouldn’t. I do not regret marrying him, my sadness only comes from not taking care of myself better and not being everything I could have been.
I was too focused on fixing the mental before that I neglected the physical. Now I seem to be in the other extreme. I’ll find my balance.
At the end of all of this, I have learned a few things about myself. I’ve figured out my real motivation to maintain. It’s not in a dress size or the number on the scale. It’s about family and friends and selfishly getting as much time with them as I can. I want to be healthy and feel good and not worry about dying prematurely. I want my husband to be proud of me and I want to watch my kid(s) grow up happy and healthy.
The great thing about the surgery I chose (other than getting the weight off, getting off insulin, and fixing my gastric paresis) is that it’s a maintainable dietary change. My husband can eat what I do and he doesn’t complain. He looks forward to my experiments in the kitchen and loves eating healthier. He’s down about 90 pounds himself just with the dietary changes we’ve made. Our son loves my low carb creations and eats them happily. I can be an example to him, know I’m making good food choices and that he’s going to do the same. I won’t be packing away 2 pounds of bacon in a meal and then turning around telling him he can’t do the same. Because diabetes is no prevalent in my family this surgery and subsequent dietary changes are going to give him a fighting chance against the disease. The same with our next child. Teaching him good eating habits and leading by example are probably two of the greatest gifts I can give him (love and support not withstanding).
No more yelling at myself over eating something I know I shouldn’t. No more reminding myself that I can very easily gain weight back. I know these things, and I don’t need to try to guilt myself into good behavior. I have a wonderful life and I need to be around to live it with the most amazing man I’ve ever known and our child(ren), because really, what could matter more? I’m healthy NOW, and I need to stay that way for life.
About Me
Before & After
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