Jul 30, 2015
It's been one week since my last check up with my PCP and I've lost two pounds. I'm happy with the loss. It's not much but I will take it. I'm finally moving in the right direction and permanently under 200 lbs. I'm 196 and dropping. He started me on Tramadol for my back but hasn't cleared me for any exercise until I see an orthopedic surgeon. I made my appointment with them and the earliest I could get in is the 19th of next month. I can't wait. I'm so tired of hurting all of the time. I just want to be fixed up and back to normal, or even semi normal.
I want to get into counseling about my eating habits but there are no therapists in my area (within 50 miles) that deal with eating issues. I really want to deal with my relationship with food. It's very difficult to have an addiction to something you need to survive. That's like telling an alcoholic they HAVE to drink a sip of booze once every hour or two but can't have more than that. It's torture. I want to learn to deal with it. I also need a healthy relationship with my body. I do not see myself the way I truly look. I always see myself as morbidly obese no matter how skinny I get. When I weighed 130 lbs I was in a size 7 jeans and I still saw my body as if I were the same size as I am now. While I know I'm losing weight now, when I look in the mirror what I see is someone who is growing in size. I appear to be getting larger and larger. Now this isn't true of course but I see that to be true. When I was in a size 7 I thought I looked Like I do now. Now when I look back at pictures from that time I look thin, almost sickly thin. I just need to learn to accept my body. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to love my body. I don't know how to truly see my body the way it really looks. How many ppl do you know have NO idea what their body truly looks like? Bizzare when you think about it.