Of Grief and Loss

Oct 26, 2017

When last I wrote, my grandmother was in hospice at home.  She was laughing with her daughters, granddaughters, great grandaughters, and even one great great grandaughter.  We were sharing memories, and making our final ones.  Sharing our love and compassion.

Around the beginning of October, grammy's pain began to worsen.  We had held out on the morphine because it made her loopy, and grammy was sharp as a tack.  Finally, we began using it, little by little, and the paranoia and confusion began to set in.

My mom and all my aunts had stayed by her side every day and every night.  I began taking weekends so that they may rest for the week days.  On the sixth of October when I arrived at her apartment, she was worse than I had ever seen her.

I'm a nurse, and she always trusted me in medical matters.  So when I came, I was able to get her relaxed enough to take her medication, and to fall asleep.  I kept her comfortable.  I medicated her every two hours, as was ordered by the doctor, from Friday evening until Sunday morning.  When I went to give her her medications at 0430, she had passed.  I was able to give her what she wanted.  She went to sleep, and she didn't wake up.  And I'm grateful she is no longer in pain.

I have so many emotions, but little ability to express them.  She was my biggest fan (well, her and my mom would have to fight over that one).  She was my matron of honor at my first wedding.  I loved her so much as a child that I used to ask her if she could be my mommy.  This was actually one of the last things she said to me before she couldn't recognize any of us anymore.  She was a rock.  She was a survivor.  She lost a son to SIDS, her high school sweetheart to suicide, and her 11 year old son just six months after that to a shotgun accident.  She raised four girls all on her own.  She devoted her heart and her services to spreading the word of Jehovah.  Believe or not, she had friends world-wide who live-streamed her memorial service on 14OCT17.

So, why this today?

Today, I am crying.  I feel such saddness, and a longing for her.  I am so appreciative to have had her in my life.  Stern and stubborn and unrelenting.  She asked me to become a Jehovahs Witness to meet her in paradise after the resurection.  I have a very hard time with that faith.  I can respect it, but I don't believe it can find a place in my heart.  I pray that God is everyones God.  With culture and social differences being our way of seeing 'Him'.  I want to see my grandmother again. 

Sorry.

I miss her.  And I guess today is a day for processing grief.  I'm a little angry today too.  But that has seemed to fade since the tears came.  I hope no one cares that I put this here.  FB is not a place to process this.  OH is not quite as public, and the post will fade shortly.  Thank you, everyone, for your support.

 

OH!  And she was getting after me till the end telling me not to go eating a bunch of cookies and gaining my weight back and getting fat again!!!!

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About Me
Tucson, AZ
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08/11/2008
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Apr 02, 2008
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