And it continues...

Feb 09, 2016

Haven't been here in forever! Quick update. I am still fat. The end. 

 

Yes, I am still fat. No, I will likely not ever be able to have the surgery I want (need). My husband lost his job two years ago. He found a new one, but it has no benefits. No insurance. No surgery. Also, I was diagnosed with Sjogren's Syndrome and, frankly, it's kicking my butt! I have become disabled because of it and I cannot work. So maybe surgery wouldn't be a good idea? Maybe it would kill me? Maybe it's best for me to remain obese and just try to cope as best I can? Sometimes, in life, you're faced with things that you can't control and you just have to endure. You just cope. Day in. Day out. You deal with each trial as it arises and, above all, you trust in God -- there is always a reason for things and most of the time they are for your benefit. Think about it. Haven't most of us become better people because of what we've had to endure? Aren't we more understanding, less judgmental, more patient, wiser? For those reasons, isn't suffering a good thing? When I leave this life, I want people to say that Lynda was so funny, smart, talented, loving, patient, and strong. I want to be thought of as a good mother and a good friend. That I always had a kind word and was always willing to share my knowledge, my wisdom, my support, with others. I want to be spiritually strong. I want to develop my character and my talents. Those are the things that endure long after we leave this life. Not our bodies. That's nothing. That is nothing more than material made from earth that will return to earth. Temporary. 

I can't develop my body anymore. I can't force it to become what I want it to become. I have Sjogren's. I am hypothyroid. I have non-alcoholic fatty liver disease. My body is shit and my looks have been destroyed. So I have changed my focus. I'm in school, majoring in English and I have some high hopes of becoming a writer. This, I can do. 

I can't change my body, but I can change my character

I absolutely love learning. I love literature. Bring up the subject of Charles Dickens with me and I. Will. Nerd. Out! Mentally, I am in my element. Spiritually, I am appreciating what really matters. Emotionally, I am becoming stronger. But physically...physically I'm decaying. But that's okay. That's to be expected. I'm almost fifty, what should someone who has lived for five decades expect? 

Life isn't like a video game, where you improve and level up and become stronger with the passage of time. Life is more like an exchange: you gain spiritually but pay a price physically. 

Alrighty then. I have been morbid enough, I guess. I'm talking as if my death is imminent. It isn't but let's face it, when you are almost fifty, morbidly obese, and beset with other illnesses, can you really expect to live another fifty years? I'm guessing I have about twenty years max, probably more like fifteen. That really isn't much time -- we all know how time has an absurd tendency to speed up the older we get -- so I'm focusing now on what really matters: not my body, my being

Thank you for staying with me while I plumb the depths of my psyche. 

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